The "joys" of dating again after divorce - thoughts?


Recommended Posts

Hi everyone!

I've been officially divorced for almost 2 weeks now after a very long, grueling contested divorce that took over 2 years to become finalized. During all the trials I experienced associated with that mess, I became even more committed to the gospel than before, especially to seeing the divorce process through to its end and doing so the "right way". What I mean by that is following counsel President Kimball once gave - no dating, no looking about for romance, etc. until the divorce is legally official. I even kept my ring on until the very end (and then some) just to remind me of the choice I made to go about things in that way!

Aaaaanyway...after not being in the position of single guy for the past 10 years or so, it's really weird to be here again! Truth be told, I thought it would be awesome and while it is exciting to think about my future and starting all over again eternally with the right person, the human emotion aspect of dating, wondering, wishing, etc....well it plain stinks! It feels like all those crazy up and down emotions back in high school again when you like someone. I know it's part of the deal of being human and having emotions toward other people but it's seriously so annoying and distracting!

So yes, that last comment means I've become very interested in someone and in seeing where things will go her (fast, I know!). This is my first such interaction since becoming single again so maybe not being used to how this all goes has a lot to do with the emotional upheaval (not to mention that this is a long-distance thing, your thoughts and emotions play all kinds of tricks on you when you're waiting for that next contact from the person!). I guess my question is have any of you experienced similar emotions soon after divorce? Is it normal, does it get better to the point of just being a little more evened out and not so up and down? I wouldn't say I'm in a hurry to get re-married but it's definitely top priority for me going forward and I'm not looking to mess around, waste time, "enjoy the single life", etc.

Any input is appreciated!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was there. I think what you're going through is normal. I was really ready to get out there and find my next wife. I had to stop and realize though that I needed to make sure I was ok first. I needed to take my time and realize that she was out there if I took my time.

I got involved in some "internet romances" that did absolutely nothing to help my self-esteem. My advice is to take it slow. I know you are not looking forward to "enjoying the single life," but it typically doesn't come around twice so take advantage. Plus most single women, if they haven't been married before aren't looking to jump up to the alter as soon as possible.

Take your time and enjoy meeting people that even if they aren't the one, may become good friends. Yeah, there is still alot of drama even though you are older, it just comes with the territory I suppose. You just have to weed through it and you will find a gem. I think I got lucky because my new wife was someone that I knew growing up and we clicked immediately. But I had to take my time or I could have missed out on the best thing in my life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Funnily enough my first date with my hubby was on the same day my divorce was final.

Date someone that you can admire as being a really great person.

Don't take baggage from your old relationship into a new one...like 'so and so did this so I'm still afraid she might do that too'

Oh, and make sure your ex can't make your girlfriend miserable. That is the best thing I ever did. Protect that brave soul who dates you when you have an ex.

I'm excited for you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do some reading. There are books out there about making the right choice in partner after divorce that are very helpful. I highly suggest lots of reading to avoid making a mistake.

Edit to add:

I guess my question is have any of you experienced similar emotions soon after divorce? Is it normal, does it get better to the point of just being a little more evened out and not so up and down?

Most people will feel those emotions upon entering new potential relationships even right after a divorce is completed. Those feelings are felt whether a person is healed sufficiently or not, ready to make a sound decision in partner or not. And it will level out over time. So give it time and experience to make sure decisions are not being made off of the initial rush only. Making decisions off of those initial giddy feelings is dangerous at best. Edited by ryanh
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stay prayerfull. I somehow was married 3 months after my divorce. Some say that's way too fast, but I KNEW he was the right person for me. Still very happy. :)

I think you need to be mindfull of all of those involved. Keep your family in the loop. They can often be a good help. (i.e. my family never really liked my ex, but the immediately liked my current husband.) Sometimes others can see things you don't see. Love can be blind so trust the Lord and those in your family or friends.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest mirancs8

Yes had those same feelings. It's normal. I never liked the dating thing and this hasn't changed even after getting back into the dating scene.

The most important thing is to take your time. Make sure you are ready for that next step. There is no reason to rush especially when your previous divorce was so awful. I know that deters me from any sudden decisions. You'll know when that right person comes into your life whether it's now or 5 years from now.

Just have fun. Live your life and find happiness within yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good luck to your new boyfriend. Because no one will want to listen to you relate how your OLD baggage is just like mr. lucky now.

We guys HATE being compared to. My ex did this. My ex did that. Don't be surprised when a few of your dates hit the door running.

Good luck. I'm just being honest with you. It will take MUCH longer then two weeks to become single again.

Also, don't just go running off with singles guys because you can. Be decent and EXPECT guys to treat you like you are a flower. WAIT till marriage to have sex and you will have an honest man by your side because late in the game, most guys are used to sexual relationships and it may seem like it's not as big a deal. IT'S HUGE. Just because you have been sexually active for a long time with hopefully ONE man doesn't make the practice right for every one.

Don't divorce ALL your beliefs. Stay true to your self and expect others to respect your religious obligations.

Remember, you are still married to Christ. Be chase till the right one comes along and that will be your saving grace.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok I am recently divorced and I would like to date again but am scared of being hurt again.

I am older and have small kids. The ex found a new man before the divorce was final like months before and now she is living with the guy and no marriage date yet.

Yes we have small kids a 4 and 5 year old kids and it has messed them up a lot. My 5 year old son has asked dad when am I getting married mom already has a new man in bed. I told him that I would like to be married again but I am not looking yet. Then he told me what my next wife needs to be and it is cutie until you realize he is telling dad what he doesn't want dad to do to soon.

His list is my next wife needs to be tall, intelligent, love me and bubb's and Onni my two kids, love trees, hair on her head (dad is bald), love chickens, love horses, love being on a farm, dad needs to buy a farm, cows?, Dad has to buy horses and chickens, dad needs a truck (got that ) and get a tractor and all the tools to work it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey Slabbing. It’s good to hear from you. I’m sorry that your divorce was ugly and extended.

I think that your feelings right now are normal. Even though you’ve only been divorced for a couple of weeks, you’ve been alone for much longer and I understand your longing to be in a relationship again.

Any positive attention right now will feel good and be welcome. It’s great to laugh, and flirt, and tease, and feel attractive and desirable. That’s exactly what you need right now, but don’t rush into anything too quickly.

You need time to completely heal before you become part of a couple again.

Right after my divorce, a friend shared with me what his therapist told him: You are recovering from an emotional injury. Imagine an athlete with a major injury. He wouldn’t jump right back into the game full capacity. He would give the injury time to heal, and then ease himself back into the game. He would go through physical therapy, he would take small steps, and he would practice and stretch the injured muscle. You have to practice and stretch your injured heart. Take small steps. Ease back in to the game. Don’t rush back in full force.

Talking to your new lady friend is just what you need. She’s your physical therapy. But be careful that you are not jumping “fully in” too quickly.

With all due respect to Jayanna and Jennarator (who may be exceptions), in my observations most couples that rush into a marriage on the heels of a divorce don’t last.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good luck to your new boyfriend. Because no one will want to listen to you relate how your OLD baggage is just like mr. lucky now.

We guys HATE being compared to. My ex did this. My ex did that. Don't be surprised when a few of your dates hit the door running.

Good luck. I'm just being honest with you. It will take MUCH longer then two weeks to become single again.

Also, don't just go running off with singles guys because you can. Be decent and EXPECT guys to treat you like you are a flower. WAIT till marriage to have sex and you will have an honest man by your side because late in the game, most guys are used to sexual relationships and it may seem like it's not as big a deal. IT'S HUGE. Just because you have been sexually active for a long time with hopefully ONE man doesn't make the practice right for every one.

Don't divorce ALL your beliefs. Stay true to your self and expect others to respect your religious obligations.

Remember, you are still married to Christ. Be chase till the right one comes along and that will be your saving grace.

Wow, that’s a little harsh. I’ve re-read Slabbing’s post, and I don’t see where he compared his new girlfriend to his ex-wife. Nor did he reference wanting to have sex right away, or divorcing his beliefs.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good luck to your new boyfriend. Because no one will want to listen to you relate how your OLD baggage is just like mr. lucky now.

We guys HATE being compared to. My ex did this. My ex did that. Don't be surprised when a few of your dates hit the door running.

Good luck. I'm just being honest with you. It will take MUCH longer then two weeks to become single again.

Also, don't just go running off with singles guys because you can. Be decent and EXPECT guys to treat you like you are a flower. WAIT till marriage to have sex and you will have an honest man by your side because late in the game, most guys are used to sexual relationships and it may seem like it's not as big a deal. IT'S HUGE. Just because you have been sexually active for a long time with hopefully ONE man doesn't make the practice right for every one.

Don't divorce ALL your beliefs. Stay true to your self and expect others to respect your religious obligations.

Remember, you are still married to Christ. Be chase till the right one comes along and that will be your saving grace.

If you're going to respond to posts, you ought to show the poster the courtesy of at least actually reading them before you do. First, slabbing is a man.

Second, he said absolutely nothing, whatsoever, that would indicate he was going to have sex outside of marriage. In fact, he obviously went out of his way to follow the precepts of the Church regarding chastity, and intends to continue doing so. Your whole post is nonsensical . . . and creepy.

Elphaba

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 5 months later...

Hey all! Wow, I completely forgot about me writing this post beyond the couple of days after I wrote it and the initial responses that were made during that time. Thanks everyone for your input.

I guess I'm back with more questions on my mind that are sort of a continuation of the initial issues of dating again after divorce. So the deal is, I'm still looking, still forced to do the online dating thing for the most part (I live in Hawaii, SO hard to date here! At least for my age group and what I'm looking for). I'm hoping to take my kids with me to Utah for Christmas to be with family. Being that this (hopefully) presents a rare opportunity to actually spend time with and date people I've 'met' and become friends with online, and possibly even see if something might become more serious, I'm definitely looking forward to this trip. This presents a new dilemma, however. Being that I'll be traveling with my kids, it's almost guaranteed that if I do meet up with someone, there is going to be at least some interaction between my children (who are age 6 and 3) and these friends, one of which may potentially become a significant other. As I was thinking of this tonight, it occurred to me that this is the first time this would occur since the divorce. Previously, my children have 'met' the woman I referred to in my original posting, although just on Skype on my computer. They heard me talk about her in very general terms, mostly being referred to as "daddy's friend". Also, although that previous relationship did not materialize into what I had hoped for and ultimately ended, my children were with me over the summer and witnessed me interacting with this person quite a bit (phonecalls, texting, in addition to Skype - the point being that they have a sense that dating is something important to me).

So I guess my question is, what's the best way to go about this potential crossing of paths between my two young kids and a potential romantic interest? Pitfalls to avoid with the interactions that could occur? Ways to talk to my kids about it (whether beforehand, during, or after the trip)? Things not to say or do?

Just to give you an idea of a couple scenarios I can see potentially happening - one might involve me traveling to WA (on the way to Utah) to meet someone (also a single parent, of a 3 yr old), possibly staying with friends or on our own at a hotel, and spending a few days there (this one seems sticky - 'group' date, with 3 kids woohoo! Or having my kids stay with a stranger - no thanks!). The other scenario would be finally physically meeting and going out with people while in Utah, where I would be around my family (i.e. they could help watch the kids, yet the kids would probably still meet my friends).

I know some of you will probably flat out say, "Don't do it!" And that's totally fine! Whether that's the case or you have some knowledge and/or experience in such a situation, just give me your two cents, really not sure the best way to proceed here. Thanks!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I guess my question is, what's the best way to go about this potential crossing of paths between my two young kids and a potential romantic interest? Pitfalls to avoid with the interactions that could occur? Ways to talk to my kids about it (whether beforehand, during, or after the trip)? Things not to say or do?

Your kids are fairly young maybe that's good. I just know that blended families are difficult. Theres a reason why the divorce rate increases dramatically for second marriages. There is so much to consider now that your entering the dating scene with children. The most important thing is considering their feelings. Dr Laura (who I don't always agree with) stated that you should not get married after Divorce. I'm remarried and I can see why she says that...hehe It's very hard and if it wasn't for the gospel I'm sure I'd be single again.

I'd take things very slow...that's kind of a given. I'd pay very close attention to your childrens feelings. Don't discredit how they feel. Explain simply that you've made some friends and want to get to know them. Pitfalls to avoid? Don't commit to anyone until you've spent some significant time with them and their children. Just remember small irritations and annoyances on both parts are going to be huge mountains after your married and living together. Don't expect or believe that the potential spouse or her children will change after getting married.

If you find someone and you become serious, I'd read and discuss some books with her and make sure you are on the same page before your even engaged.

Amazon.com: Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today's Blended Family (9780609807415): Susan Wisdom, Jennifer Green: Books

I also recently got this book and it's amazing

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Breakthrough-Real-Life-Teach-Independent/dp/1590384415/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1321030815&sr=1-1

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share