I feel like I'm losing the battle :(


Dr T
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I really feel like MS is slowly winning the battle. I can't walk well at all, forget too much, and am sleepy all the time. I'm really worried. Work has been very stressful lately and I feel like I can barely function sometimes. I've tried and tried to follow my ethics to not be a whiner but I need to let somebody know how I feel. I feel like I'm losing this battle and it's not who I've been my whole life (to this point).

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I really feel like MS is slowly winning the battle. I can't walk well at all, forget too much, and am sleepy all the time. I'm really worried. Work has been very stressful lately and I feel like I can barely function sometimes. I've tried and tried to follow my ethics to not be a whiner but I need to let somebody know how I feel. I feel like I'm losing this battle and it's not who I've been my whole life (to this point).

I know better than to say I completely understand, but I have also had a backward slide with my illness that's lasted almost a year now, and it has not let up. I am a shell of what I was a year ago, and can sympathize with how terrifying it is to feel your body disintegrating with no relief in sight.

I am extremely fortunate in that I do not work, though I miss it terribly. But I well remember going to work every day and forcing my body to do things it just couldn't do prior to winning my disability claim. Every moment was pure hell.

Have you considered disability? I know giving up working is a depressing milestone, but if your body is wearing down, forcing it to do things it's simply not able to do is probably exacerbating your illness. What do you think? Is that true?

MS is a horrible disease. I've been so impressed with how positive you have stayed since you became ill, and know that things must really be bad for you to have started this thread. I get that, and you have my heartfelt sympathy.

Elph

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I really feel like MS is slowly winning the battle. I can't walk well at all, forget too much, and am sleepy all the time. I'm really worried. Work has been very stressful lately and I feel like I can barely function sometimes. I've tried and tried to follow my ethics to not be a whiner but I need to let somebody know how I feel. I feel like I'm losing this battle and it's not who I've been my whole life (to this point).

One of the hardest lessons in life is the realization that we spend our whole life as mortals - there is no cure. Life as a sickness with no cure that will always end in death for everyone. We can try to focus on something positive - like being glad for each day of life we have - the truth is that there are down days even for the best and there are joys even for the most miserable.

I am sorry about your MS but neither of us can change that - yet. We can only go on the best we can and if nothing else think that someday someone will say to themselves - This is hard but Dr T found a way to go forward - even in his darkest hour - maybe I can at least try as well.

The Traveler

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Thank you all for your comments. I feel glad I can vent here on LDS.net Jenn. I have not looked into disability and am concerned it will not cover my living costs and that is stressful. Thank you Elph. I've tried to stay positive. Today has been really heavy. Traveler, you're right. Thank u. :)

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Guest DeborahC

Dr. T, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Depression can be so difficult to deal with.

On a lighter note:

Once when I told a woman I was depressed, she told me that I needed to go and take out my best cup and saucer and have a tea party and invite all my favorite aunties.

Auntie Sadness/Depression, Auntie Anger, Auntie Frustration, Auntie Self Loathing, and any other Aunties that need to be addressed.

Then I need to have a heart to heart with each Auntie for one hour where I can cry, and indulge myself with every feeling I have.

Then after the hour is over, I can pick up my tea cup and saucer and tell my Aunties the tea party is over and it is time for my Aunties to go home because I need to clean up my cup and saucer and put my tea party stuff away.

After the tea party is over and Auntie Depression does not want to go home and creeps into my thoughts, I gently tell Auntie Depression that the tea party is over and I told her she has to go home, so I can focus my energy and thoughts on something else that will make me feel better.

And remember, this is 2011. It's ok for a guy to have a tea party if he needs it!:D

It is good to address my feelings when I need to, but it is also good to place a time limit on those feelings so I can mindfully switch over to do something that I enjoy.

This exercise is helpful, but sometimes when in the thick of emotions, it is sometimes difficult to remember to do it. It takes mindful practice.

Next time I'm depressed, feel free to remind me to have an Auntie Tea Party!

You're in my prayers -

Have your Tea Party, then try to get out and get some sunshine.

Then make a list of your many blessings.

Life is good!

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Dr. T, I didn't realize you were dealing with MS. I'm so sorry you have to deal with such a tough disease. Its ok to whine occassionally, especially when you have a particularly bad day or hour or minute.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

EDIT: Disability is a tough one. It was a place I didn't want to go and the process was difficult. I understand your worry over finances. It was my worry too. But I found that as long as we paid our tithing things work out. I kept working until I didn't have a choice. I have Fibromyalgia, Hashimoto's and my body no longer absorbs iron from food or supplements. I pushed to keep working until I had no choice. My body gave up and it was not a good time. Before you get too sick to take care of ADLs take care of finances even if it means disability. It will make life easier later.

Edited by applepansy
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My sister had MS. I saw the struggles she went through: loved nature, horse back riding, very active. To be stuck in a wheelchair for 10 years was a very difficult thing for her.

Sometimes, we have to accept a "new normal" in our lives. We just cannot do the things we once did. Nor should we expect to. At 50+ years of age, I cannot physically keep up with many people half my age in physical work or exercise. Still, I can change my focus. Where I once did lots of camping, hiking in the mountains, and winter survival stuff; I now can slow down some and enjoy nature photography, bird watching, disc golf, and a few other things like it.

So, find your "new norm". Select new things you can do, and do them for as long as you can.

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Thank you SCDoyle. Yes, I've taken betaseron (intermuscuar 3 times a week) which messed up my liver then transitioned to Copaxone which is subcue every day but my neuro is sending me to UCSF to meet with a team to see what they want to do in my treatment. I'm happy to hear it really helps your mom. :)

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My wife has lower back problems and her Dr recently prescribed aqua therapy which is basically working with a physical therapist in a warm inside swimming pool doing a series of stretches etc and then a certain amount of time with the water jets aimed directly at her lower back while sitting on an underwater stool at the end of the session. She has found relief that nothing else has been able to help with including meds and normal pt. You may ask your Dr about it. It's non-intrusive and a good warm bath is calming for just about anyone. With my osteoarthritis I was thinking about asking my Dr for the same treatment. :)

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