should i tell my old girlfriend's recently new boyfriend?

[bonanzafan]

i had a girlfriend who was having sex with me. she started seeing this other guy, her home teacher, during times while i was busy with work and school...while she and i were doing all these things. i thought we were a couple. now they are together. while he was gone for three weeks she and i still saw each other. should i tell him? i hurt so bad. i want girls like her to not be doing this to guys. her last relationship, previous to me, was with a married member of the church who she worked with; and this relationship did not completely end until she and i had been dating for three months. also, this new boyfriend has his mission call and is scheduled to leave in three months.

Edited June 11, 2011 by bonanzafan

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Bonanzafan, I'm sorry to say I think you are going to feel worse before you start feeling better. I certainly don't mean to be insensitive to your pain, but I think it is important to speak plainly.

I think you need to see your doctor and be tested for STDs. And it goes without saying that you need to see your Bishop as well...this is one of those things that may hurt more in the beginning but is necessary to feel better eventually.

I am wondering...you don't have to answer this, but be honest with yourself...WHEN did you know that she was in this previous relationship with the married guy?

Now to your actual question...I would say it is your choice, but keep in mind that he is going to view you as the "angry ex" and probably won't believe anything you say. Hopefully, he will make good choices.

I think your main concern right now should NOT be her and the new boyfriend, but taking care of yourself and getting YOUR life back on track...i.e. my advice to see your doctor and your Bishop.

If it helps though, girls that are that permiscuous are generally (IMO) covering some deep pain with that sort of behavior. It is very likely (again my opinion) that she has more pain before she met you or the others than you can possibly imagine. But you can't fix that for her. You need to do what you can to heal your heart/life and move on.

I am sorry for your pain.

[slamjet]

It seems to me the best course of action would be to tell this prospective missionary to NOT have a girlfriend before he leaves on his mission. It will just muck things up with "dear johns" and what not. As for their relationship, I would hesitate to tell him anything about you, her, or anyone else. You're delving into things that, quite frankly, may not be any of your business, that is, their relationship.

Plus I agree with Parakeet, you'll come across as sour grapes.

But then again, I don't know the whole story so take my advice for all the worth you paid for it.

[bonanzafan]

thank you guys. thank you for your advice and warmth. i really appreciate it.

[Just_A_Guy]

I have it on very unscientific authority that fewer than one girl in four "wait" for their missionary.

Two years from now, if you hear they're engaged, you might want to begin asking yourself these types of questions. But right now: I don't see any need. Whatever this girl did, I doubt she deserves to spend a lifetime fearing that you're going to come back into the picture and reveal her sordid past to every single guy with whom she gets remotely serious.

[SuperChris]

I have rather different advice than everyone else here: tell him. As soon as possible, and hope she hasn't ruined his chance of honestly leaving to serve a mission. Simply having her in his life jeapordizes that chance. (Yes, it takes two to tango so to speak, but the girl you seem to be describing would in all likelihood be the instigator.)

If I am following her rather convoluted and overlapping relationship history correctly, has already ruined one marriage, then cheated on that guy with you for a while, then cheated on you with her current boyfriend (just dating counts, if she put you under the impression that you were 'in a relationship'), and then cheated on him with you even though she is ostensibly his girlfriend (slept with you while he was out of town, if I am understanding your explanation correctly). If this was a part of her past she was trying to change that would be one thing, but the fact is this girl is a wrecking ball and the kid she's dating needs to be warned about her continuing behavior.

I disagree that it is unlikely that she'll wait for this guy to return from his mission; rather, I would say that it's a foregone conclusion. I'd honestly be surprised if she even waits for him to leave.

As was said, she does not deserve to have you chase her the rest of her life revealing her sordid past to anyone with whom she gets serious. Although her sexual history is the business of anyone she considers marrying - amongst other things, it's part of a necessary honesty with each other - it is a general rule that it's her job to share it, since it is partially an honesty issue. And it's not worth your time or effort to keep track of her and what she's doing in her relationships. However, this specific case is one where it is extremely unlikely she'll be honest with him, and she will jeapordize his ability to serve an honest mission. Much like I'd warn a friend if I happened to learn a girl he was dating had a past like this, the guy she's dating should be warned. Do not be afraid of seeming like an upset ex-boyfriend. If she has not slept with him, and you tell him, and then he subsequently does, then he can not say that nobody warned him.

I would also reccommend following the advice of taking care of yourself - get tested for STDs (given the behavior you've described, who knows who else she slept with while you were with her), and talk to your bishop.

[ruthiechan]

If she is not in your ward, you should probably talk to her Bishop as well, and express the concerns you have about the evil influence she is having on other men.

I would tell the new boyfriend too, but before you do, pray about it. Read your scriptures. Be sure to follow the direction of the Spirit in knowing what to do. It's not that you are just an angry boyfriend, it's that you actually care about what happens to the other men she's gotten involved with. Keep that perspective in mind and you'll do well.

[Martain]

If she is not in your ward, you should probably talk to her Bishop as well, and express the concerns you have about the evil influence she is having on other men.

I would tell the new boyfriend too, but before you do, pray about it. Read your scriptures. Be sure to follow the direction of the Spirit in knowing what to do. It's not that you are just an angry boyfriend, it's that you actually care about what happens to the other men she's gotten involved with. Keep that perspective in mind and you'll do well.

I agree with Ruthie. I fell it is aboslutely correct for you to schedule an appointment with Her bishop regarding these issues. If he doesn't know, he needs to.

The issue comes down to repentance. If she has fully repeneted and been fully forgiven, then you have no right to tell the other guy because in the eye's of the Lord, it never happened.

Although you were in a relationship with this daughter of God, you hold no stewardship. Once you have notified the proper priesthood authority figure of what has happened and what is happening... your job is done.

It will be his call whether or not to tell the young man. Perhaps he'll simply tell the young man that he doesn't want to be seeing this lady at this time romantically because of personal issues she's dealing with.

Basically, leave the hard decision to those who have the stewardship and responsibility to make the hard decisions.

That's my thoughts anyways.

[Martain]

It's a very risky proposition to steady the ark.

[FanOf31]

Tell the new man and don't talk to her again

[mrmarklin]

Her relationship with her new man is none of your business. Stay out of it.

Have you spoken to your Bishop about your repentance?? If not, you should.