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Mistie

Damaged goods?

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The thing that's wrong with the idea of "damaged goods" is the thinking that a person, especially a daughter of God is "goods." You are a person. A daughter of God, and since He is a King you are a princess, an heir to God's kingdom.

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I was actually trying to be "funny" by saying damaged goods. I couldn't think of a different metaphor to use. I just wondered if I would be looked down upon

Mistie, you would be surprised how many divorced people there are in the church. A good friend of mine is divorced and remarried. She had four children, and her husband (who had previously been a Bishop)...left her. She remarried...while she still had children at home...her 2nd husband had children too.

In one of my wards, the Bishop and his current wife were both on their 2nd marraiges...as was 1/2 the ward...or so it seemed to me.

I don't think anyone will look down on you.

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step dad had a dream of how he would meet my mother..

lol dont ever call yourself damaged goods.. all people are different, all make different mistakes. in a sense were all damaged because all have sinned and come short, but that doesnt mean you wont find yourself a man.

my step dad didnt marry until he was thirty and loved the fact that me and my brother were older because he wanted nothing to do with babys and diapers....

he wanted young men.

youll find him as long as you dont give up :P

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Mistie - you will be judged by others. It's human nature. It also seems more prevalent in the church, but that's just my opinion. All you can do is ignore and keep your head up.

No one can tell you when you should start dating. That is a deeply personal question and that is between you and the Lord. You need to do what is the best interest of your kids. My advice to you is go to the Lord and seek his counsel. You will know when the time is right.

For me it was about 2 years after my divorce before I started dating. Even the thought of dating made me sick at first. It seemed vulgar to even talk about. Eventually those feelings changed. I still remember my first date after the divorce. It was my first "first date" in nearly 14 years. I was a mess. In the end though the Lord knew what was in store. A scripture that helped me tremendously after the divorce and one that I still live my life by today is from Proverbs chapter 3 verses 5-6

5. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

A few months after some casual dating I met a very special lady who changed my life. Just shy of a year later I married her. Trust in the Lord. He knows what is best and he knows the path you need to follow. If you do this you will find peace and true happiness, regardless of where that path takes you.

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I believe you have to change your outlook on who you are looking for. I had gotten married to someone older than me with three children. One almost finished with high school and two not much younger that lived with thier dad in another state. I was 27 with no children and no experience in that area. We were in very different places in our lives. I had trouble relating to her needs and she couldnt understand mine. We have since parted ways. The best chance you have to make a connection with someone is to be close to the same place in life. I would not suggest finding someone that has never been married or never dealt with children. If you can share some of the same experiences then it is easier to relate to each other. You are not damaged goods.

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Some thing to keep in mind age doesn't relate to maturity and that is what you need a mature man and age is secondary.

Next you will need a man that is ready for a real challenge in life as you already have 5 kids and the odds of you and a new man not having kids is very small unless there are medical reasons this can't happen, no you don't have to tell us.

You need someone who first loves you, second loves kids and third someone who is like minded as you in how to raise all the kids that maybe or come into the family, you are willing to live your life with no matter the challenges life hands you and life has already handed you a few.

Lastly you are young, seem to have a good attitude and just let things go there natural way go to dances, go to social events and if asked if you have kids be up front and tell them only answer the question don't go any farther.

Example," Do you have kids? yes and that is the end, if they want to know how many make them ask, why because each question and each answer are either building blocks or deal breakers and besides most guys who are in your ward and single that attend the dances and socials will fill the new guy in on you quite well anyways. See they see you every Sunday, they know how you dress, how you dress the kids, how the kids act, how you act around them and most of all how you really feel about your situation.

I am much older than you but I do have my little guys every other week and yes even I am watched how I act with my kids when I have them and it gets around quite well without me saying a word. Just so you know they all notice how much the kids like being with dad and how much dad likes being with them.

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I'm 35 and been married and divorced twice and have 5 kids, and neither man is/was LDS (nor was I for that matter). I recently became active again in the church (after converting in 2000 and being inactive almost ever since). What I'm wondering is if my situation will keep me from meeting an LDS man, falling in love and getting married? From my perspective it's as though I'm "damaged goods".

thats a pretty harsh view of yourself.... All of us are fallen in some way or another. and considering that one of the reasons we are here is to have children I don't think that having children onboard already at the start of a relationship should have a negative influence, if both individuals honestly care for each other. I would say try to find someone who is capable of supporting such.

Unless someone is looking for someone perfect I wouldn't be too much concerned about it. I know multiple guys in the church that have married women who already have kids, so I don't think it should be terribly difficult.... altho how much it is or isn't probably depends more on where you live than anything else (IE local culture).

Edited by Blackmarch

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Hi Blackmarch,

I don't mean to make it sound like I view myself harshly. I DON"T consider myself "damaged goods" because my kids are my life and I would never want to change anything about my life to not include them. What I mean by damaged goods is that the men that I've met since my divorce over 3 years ago, non-LDS mind you, have turned their nose up to me thinking that I'm just out looking for a sugar-daddy. Or, the other half think that I'm easy since I have 5 kids. I don't ever give anyone the time of day if they do not have the same values as I do. Here in Green Bay I don't think such a single man exists! There are not any single males in my ward so it makes trying to "date" even harder. The point of this thread was to ask if LDS men would run away from a woman (like most other men) who had 5 kids...

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Mistie

I married a lady with several challenged kids and ending up adopting them when their dad just couldn't handle the child support thing. We are divorced now because of a life issue that came up and when I started to get things corrected, she decided it was time to find a new man and she did so. Yes he is a member of the church and they were married the day after our divorce was final.

What I am saying here we all have baggage in this life and whether you find someone who will marry you also depends on how much you love him and realize life is not all fun and games. Real life will sneak in and test you to see if you really do love each other. That is when the real test of love will begin for me it was when she decided to just not love me anymore and she still has a lot of anger towards me. Sees that everything she did is ok and that I am the one who has all the problems.

As to there not being any single men in your ward the church is world wide so why shouldn't you be looking world wide? In this day and age we have no idea where our eternal companion might be.

The lord has laid my road out for me and now all I have to do is find someone that is on the same road going the same direction as me. Will I find someone maybe not in this life but there is always the next. Having said that I don't believe my father in heaven will leave me alone in this life with small children in my life as it sets up a bad example for them and their mother already has them wondering what marriage really is and is not.

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Guest mormonmusic
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If I was in your shoes, I'd be looking forward to the day when my kids are grown up. As a middle-aged man, I think I would consider more easily marrying someone whose kids were close to being self-sufficient so I didn't have the financial challenges of raising 5 children.

So, while I think there are some really stellar guys out there that will willingly jump into an instant family, the ones who might be put off by that may be a lot more amenable to a situation where you have five kids that are self-sufficient adults or at least close to being that way.

The practical issues Skippy came up with earlier are important to consider, and these issues would be less important when the kids are older and able to look after themselves.

However, I also met a man who married a very nice woman who has a son with cerebal palsy. The son is wheelchair bound, totally incapable of speaking or even thinking clearly, unable to look after any of his bodily needs, and immobile. But the man loved the woman and married her, and loves her son, notwithstanding the financial and lifestyle implications of the son with cerebral palsy. They are out there when love is strong enough.

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The point of this thread was to ask if LDS men would run away from a woman (like most other men) who had 5 kids...

Absolutely not. You are a family package ready to go, there is nothing to run away from. Assuming the individual wanted a good size family, all the "work" like pregnancy, birth, is taken care of. Move to Utah. That's what I did. I converted in New England, there were exactly 3 other active single people in my ward, 2 female, 1 looking for a relationship. I had to look elsewhere.

I know what you were trying to convey by "damaged goods" but bouncing back from 2 divorces, taking your 5 kids and reactivating yourself and your family in the church isn't descriptive of "damaged" at all. That's strength, and a testimony that is battle tested.

I would personally be intimidated by 5 kids, because I don't even have 1, and the idea of 1 scares the crap out of me. I would fail you as a companion in that aspect. But that's a commentary on me, not you. If "he" isn't in Green Bay, then look for him somewhere else.

You would be "damaged" if your divorces or inactivity was what defined you, if you let your past "own" who you are right now. That's damaged. I know everyone has picked at you for saying "damaged" and I'm sorry for getting in line with them. We just want to make sure you don't actually believe something like that.

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Hi Mistie. I am just a little older than you. I don't think you are damaged goods. I joined the church a few years ago. I have never been married and don't have any kids. I used to think I was the old maid of our ward because I wasn't married. Most of my ward was married by 25. There's not a lot of adult single activities for anyone my age in our ward but I want to say keep trying.

I think if we keep our standards high one of these days we will attain true love.

You have 5 precious children and I hope you will find the right man to love you and your family. One of these days it will work out. :)

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Hi Blackmarch,

I don't mean to make it sound like I view myself harshly. I DON"T consider myself "damaged goods" because my kids are my life and I would never want to change anything about my life to not include them. What I mean by damaged goods is that the men that I've met since my divorce over 3 years ago, non-LDS mind you, have turned their nose up to me thinking that I'm just out looking for a sugar-daddy. Or, the other half think that I'm easy since I have 5 kids. I don't ever give anyone the time of day if they do not have the same values as I do. Here in Green Bay I don't think such a single man exists! There are not any single males in my ward so it makes trying to "date" even harder. The point of this thread was to ask if LDS men would run away from a woman (like most other men) who had 5 kids...

thanks for the clarification. I think most men would be more respectful than that in the church.

I don't know how easy it will be to find someone who's ready to take on multiple kids at once but I don't think it will be terribly difficult (probably won't be a cake walk either)... and it is going to be different from location to location.

Edited by Blackmarch

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My cousin had 3 children then became single. He only dated lds women with multiple children, that was his choice. I took a different route and dated (mostly) women without children. The damaged goods theory is nonsense. What is logical however, is to accept that some men have already made their minds up regarding children. My cousin and I are clear examples. Just look past men like myself and find ones like my cousin. Problem solved.

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Mistie, even though this thread is old, and I don't know if you will even be back to read it, garry resurrected it so that it came to my attention. I had taken a break from lds.net and was not on the site this summer, so never saw your original post.

After my divorce, I married a woman with 5 children (4 at home). She had been married more than once before as well. Marrying my sweetheart with what some may term as "baggage" has been amazing and wonderful. I love my step children immensely, and cannot imagine being without my wife. The circumstances didn't matter nearly as much as the person she is, and how perfectly and uniquely we fit one another.

So, from my perspective, the answer to your question of whether your life's path will keep you from meeting a LDS man to marry, I emphatically say NO!

Just be the best person you can be, and what has happened won't really matter. Anyone too shallow to take the time to get to know the real you, and not simply judge you on your situation, is likely not worth marrying and being a father figure to your kids anyway.

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I'll admit I haven't read every reply in this thread. I'll just give my 2 cents and leave it at that. Mistie, based on all that I have read and see, I'll just say that I don't think you'll have any problems. I have my doubts with my own personal situation and my future, but lets put it in the Lord's hands and let him guide us. When you are serving the Lord he is bound and will bless you. Focus your life on Him and let Him be your guide. You and your children's life will be blessed. I am pulling for you.

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I have the same feeling so often. I'm 23 years old, divorced, new to the church, and a mother of two. I always wonder when a good man is going to scoop me up. I wish it would happen, but keep your head up. I have found that men in the mormon church are awesome.

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