Lies and Dishonesty in marriage

[hope2heal]

Lies, lies, lies. I truly thought that he got into this nasty, disgusting world (massage parlors/prostitution) by accident. He told me from the beginning that he went to get an "innocent" massage and then it turned bad, and he just didn't stop it. Lies!!! I actually felt bad for him~~he had this massage that went bad and he didn't think he could tell me, thought I would leave him, so he figured since he was going to Hell anyway...~~turns out, she was topless when it started. Uhhh, legit massages aren't topless.

So basically he purposely chose to cheat on me. This is really hard! All this time I thought he was better because his was "accidental", of course.

I think any husbands that are struggling with "hidden lives", and are contemplating telling their wives, please tell her everything in the beginning! It's so much harder finding out after months and months of therapy! You may not want to risk losing her, but if you aren't honest from the beginning, you'll lose her any way. The lies and dishonesty hurt as much, if not more than, the act itself.

I slipped. I thanked him for his honesty, and then I called him a bad name.

I'm sad. I feel like I'm in a marriage of lies. All the while I thought I knew everything, and while it hurt like heck, I knew I could get through it because he was finally being honest.

I guess my question is, can I continue in a marriage that's filled with deception?

[honestabe]

Definetly not, I currently have a sister that is going thru the same type of thing...however she is knieve enough to think that he is going to change (after 16 years of lies & deception). Does your husband express true remorse? is he willing to go to counselling? if not...talk to a professional counsellor about how you are going to be ok and deal with the lies & basically abuse from someone who is supposed to love you. I dso believe that most people deserve a second chance depending on circumstances. There is a point where a person needs to draw a line and protect themselves & children if there are any. Past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour. Check around do some reading...,.MOST people that cheat etc. say sorry, and then sooner or later do it again. If you want a life of hell then stick around for awhile or even years, decades.. there are decent people out there. IMHO

Edited June 23, 2011 by honestabe

[Jennarator]

Lies, lies, lies. I truly thought that he got into this nasty, disgusting world (massage parlors/prostitution) by accident. He told me from the beginning that he went to get an "innocent" massage and then it turned bad, and he just didn't stop it. Lies!!! I actually felt bad for him~~he had this massage that went bad and he didn't think he could tell me, thought I would leave him, so he figured since he was going to Hell anyway...~~turns out, she was topless when it started. Uhhh, legit massages aren't topless.

So basically he purposely chose to cheat on me. This is really hard! All this time I thought he was better because his was "accidental", of course.

I think any husbands that are struggling with "hidden lives", and are contemplating telling their wives, please tell her everything in the beginning! It's so much harder finding out after months and months of therapy! You may not want to risk losing her, but if you aren't honest from the beginning, you'll lose her any way. The lies and dishonesty hurt as much, if not more than, the act itself.

I slipped. I thanked him for his honesty, and then I called him a bad name.

I'm sad. I feel like I'm in a marriage of lies. All the while I thought I knew everything, and while it hurt like heck, I knew I could get through it because he was finally being honest.

I guess my question is, can I continue in a marriage that's filled with deception?

I so agree, lies are way worse than the sin itself! I would have rathered that my ex told me the truth about his stuggles as the happened so we could work them out together.

[MorningStar]

I think in these situations, parts of the story are told because the unfaithful spouse is testing it out to see what your limit is. He thought you would leave him if he told the whole story, but now that you stayed with the false info he gave you, he thought it might be safe to tell you the rest. This approach really backfires and they are much better off coming completely clean about everything. It ruins whatever little trust that was built after the first devastation.

Have you considered a trial separation? That's how I would approach it. Praying for you.

[Jennarator]

I think in these situations, parts of the story are told because the unfaithful spouse is testing it out to see what your limit is. He thought you would leave him if he told the whole story, but now that you stayed with the false info he gave you, he thought it might be safe to tell you the rest. This approach really backfires and they are much better off coming completely clean about everything. It ruins whatever little trust that was built after the first devastation.

Have you considered a trial separation? That's how I would approach it. Praying for you.

My ex never did learn that lesson. He always lied. Even when I found out, tried to work with him, than helied, again.

Perhaps a trial seperation is a good idea. That owuld give both husband and wife a chance to figure things out. Hopefully both parties will realize that they are still married and not cheat, tho.

Talk to a counsler or bishop, or both, as well. (whether or not the husband wants to go to counseling.)

I think realationships are based on trust. No trust means it's very hard to have a "normal" realationship.

[coruscate]

I think in these situations, parts of the story are told because the unfaithful spouse is testing it out to see what your limit is. He thought you would leave him if he told the whole story, but now that you stayed with the false info he gave you, he thought it might be safe to tell you the rest. This approach really backfires and they are much better off coming completely clean about everything. It ruins whatever little trust that was built after the first devastation.

I agree with this. I know how hurt you must be feeling right now. When my husband cheated on me, he said they'd only kissed. He stuck to that story right through counseling. I didn't find out until 6 months later when the VD symptoms appeared that it went further.

My husband and I are still together, though, and we love each other very much. I decided to give him a second chance (even after the whole truth came out) because of something I read. I can't recall the source (some marriage book), but it said that men who cheat once may be willing to change. If they do it again, it indicates a pattern that they probably will not break. Our therapist expressed his opinion that that's why someone who commits adultery has one shot to repent.

It's up to you and your specific circumstances, of course, whether you think you can get past such a betrayal. I just wanted to let you know that there are people who gave it a second chance and made it work.

[honestabe]

I agree with this. I know how hurt you must be feeling right now. When my husband cheated on me, he said they'd only kissed. He stuck to that story right through counseling. I didn't find out until 6 months later when the VD symptoms appeared that it went further.

My husband and I are still together, though, and we love each other very much. I decided to give him a second chance (even after the whole truth came out) because of something I read. I can't recall the source (some marriage book), but it said that men who cheat once may be willing to change. If they do it again, it indicates a pattern that they probably will not break. Our therapist expressed his opinion that that's why someone who commits adultery has one shot to repent.

It's up to you and your specific circumstances, of course, whether you think you can get past such a betrayal. I just wanted to let you know that there are people who gave it a second chance and made it work.

Not to be negative but if he lied for how long the first time and thru counselling and six months after that you found out the hard way! How do you know he isn't hoodwinking you now? The problem is that you don't....I would hope that he is telling you the truth but someone who shows those kinds of qualities...in my opinion should tell someone they can't be trusted!!!IMHO

[hope2heal]

That's what scares me. He didn't cheat once either. It's been about 5-6 different times. (He can't remember the exact number). So it makes me think that this is truly something that can't be stopped. Throughout his cheating period he saw numerous counselors, and was unable to stop. I'm a good wife. We have a very active intimate life, more so than any of my other girlfriends. I don't know what else I can do to get him to stay faithful to me.

I'm not "the bad girl" that he wants. He's always been attracted to that type... I'm too "Molly" I guess. I haven't changed though, I was this way when he married me, why did he even ask?

Edited June 23, 2011 by hope2heal

[sweetiepie]

I read your posts and just tried to imagine how I would feel, and truthfully, I can't! I hurt just trying to imagine how you are feeling. I see and agree with you saying that if it was one of those things that he "accidentally" fell into and Satan got his grips on him and he didn't know how to get out of it, it is one thing. But lying and finding out that he was actually looking for it is another.

I have been married for 14 years (5 kids) and it would take a lot for me to give up on what we have built together, and once I thought adultery was absolutely unforgivable, but now I see why I would try so hard to keep what we have together to make it to eternity. (Now, luckily we have not had anything close to that issue, but I do think of what I would do if we did)

The way that it kept going on and he went looking for it is scary. I don't know how I could be with him again sexually after he decided he wants that instead. Only you and HF can decide, and only you can tell as his wife if he really is broken about the whole thing and wants eternity with you. If he is completely in despair and will do anything to keep your marriage, that is a good thing, but can you get over the hurt (yes, with HF help), and forgive and trust him to be faithful.

Hard to tell when you thought you knew your husband before, but as of right now, what do you see in his eyes? Despair and grief, and you can still see who you love in there who only wants to be with you forver, or is this someone different now who you aren't sure can get over this "habit"?

[honestabe]

First off...I want to tell you that him cheating on you has NOTHING to do with you. I know that is easy to say and that is not how it probably makes you feel but it is the truth. It is something only he can figure out and change. I wish you the best of luck throughout your decisions.

[coruscate]

Ditto to what honestabe said! I know it's tempting to wonder what you've done wrong, but don't do that to yourself. It isn't you. And if it's been 5 or 6 times, I think it's past time to get out of the relationship. You deserve way better than that. We all do.

Not to be negative but if he lied for how long the first time and thru counselling and six months after that you found out the hard way! How do you know he isn't hoodwinking you now? The problem is that you don't....I would hope that he is telling you the truth but someone who shows those kinds of qualities...in my opinion should tell someone they can't be trusted!!!IMHO

I don't know for sure. But at some point, you have to trust someone has changed. The affair was 10 years ago, and I'm pretty sure I would have seen something in the meantime if there was anything to see. He's not a subtle guy. It only took me two weeks to discover the affair. He's also become much more active, has several callings, and works part-time for the church.

Maybe I'm crazy to have forgiven him and started trusting him again. I wonder the same thing every once in a while. But I can honestly say I don't regret it.

[MsMagnolia]

ok first off let me say... get yourself tested for std's. Secondly.. the only person who can decide if your marriage is over is you and your husband. Go to the Lord with your heartaches. Only through the atonement of Christ can your husband stop the madness and the hurt and destruction to your family. Only through the atonement can your wounds be truly healed. That is the power of the atonment. My prayers are with you dear sister.

Mags

[MorningStar]

I have a question. Did this stuff come out because he volunteered it or because you found evidence?

[hope2heal]

I told him I wanted him to take a polygraph test, (which is what my counselor recommended) and then he came forth with the info. That has me worried too.

[JudoMinja]

Marriage is between TWO people and can only be nourished if both are putting in the necessary effort. If dishonesty and infidelity are tearing your marriage apart, it is time to do some analyzing, which is what it sounds like you are trying to do.

No matter what the other person has done, I believe the first step should always be to analyze yourself. What are you doing that you need to change (no matter how good of a spouse you are there will always be something you can work on)? How can you enrich your marriage?

Now, when you've thoroughly analyzed yourself and are making an honest effort to build your marriage back up, then it is time to analyze your partner. Does he seem to be caught in his destructive behavior and fighting because he doesn't want to change/improve, or is he putting forth the same "effort" you are? If it is the former, no matter how much you try your marriage is going to keep falling apart, because he isn't holding up his end. If it is the latter, even if he is struggling and taking his time and bringing you a lot of heartache, your marriage can still work if you are willing to continue through this with him.

It is always hard to make judgment calls like that about another person, because while you can see/feel what is going on inside yourself, you can't see inside another person. That is why it is important to pray. The only one who knows the heart of your spouse is the Lord. "Trust in the Lord, and lean not unto your own understanding". If you are feeling prompted to stay and work it out, do so. If you are feeling prompted to leave, do so. Whatever way the Lord leads, if you follow you will not go astray.

[MorningStar]

I told him I wanted him to take a polygraph test, (which is what my counselor recommended) and then he came forth with the info. That has me worried too.

I mean, at the beginning of all of this, what led to your suspicions and to him confessing? Did you have to drag everything out of him? If he felt the need to confess to you on his own, that would be a positive sign.

[hope2heal]

No, he didn't confess. I found the information on his phone, of all places. He says he was going to take his secrets to the grave. This leads me to believe that he had no remorse or guilt about his actions.

[i80anon]

I think any husbands that are struggling with "hidden lives", and are contemplating telling their wives, please tell her everything in the beginning! It's so much harder finding out after months and months of therapy! You may not want to risk losing her, but if you aren't honest from the beginning, you'll lose her any way. The lies and dishonesty hurt as much, if not more than, the act itself.

I guess my question is, can I continue in a marriage that's filled with deception?

No you can't. And apparently it's also difficult to continue if you're afraid there will be further deception in the future, because it's happened each time in the past (just ask my wife, who understandably doesn't trust me even though things are going really well right now).

I've observed that any marriage that begins without full disclosure is eventually doomed to divorce (sometimes it takes decades, but it seems inevitable). Disclosing after marriage only works if you're never going to do it again - and I have yet to see that situation actually work.

[Just_A_Guy]

He says he was going to take his secrets to the grave. This leads me to believe that he had no remorse or guilt about his actions.

For what it's worth (probably not much): No, it doesn't. It just means that he feared the anticipated consequences of full disclosure more than he feared the anticipated consequences of keeping the secret.

It's one thing to decide that you didn't sign up for what he's now putting you through, and ending the marriage on that basis. I can respect that decision. But I would respectfully suggest that you not complicate things by assuming you know exactly what he's thinking/feeling about the situation.

[garryw]

I'm not saying what you should do, but if I were you I would not tolerate anything. In my case it only prolonged the inevitable to sit around hoping she would change. And the lies never end, they just produce new ones.