I didn't know where else to go...

[augustbringsyou]

This is my first post. I've been living with quite a great deal of grief over the past few months and I really feel as if I've had no where else to turn. Looking for any support I could muster I found myself here.

Last June I was very blessed to be given the gift of my beautiful daughter. She was perfect. Everything that I could ever imagine had come true. There are no words to express how badly I had wanted to become a mother, and luckily it came very easily for me. After 2 months of discussions on "should we start trying now?" my husband and I found out we were expecting.

When my daughter was 2 months old my husband and I traveled to Maryland to visit his family. Everything was fine. The day before we left, while I was resting, my husband and mother-in-law brought my daughter upstairs to me where I was sleeping saying that she had some massive crying fit. I was able to soothe her, but she was not herself that day, and threw up a few times. The day we arrived home from our trip I noticed something very wrong. My daughter's leg had a very odd twitch. We rushed to the emergency room. She was transferred to a different hospital where tests were run. They found retinal eye hemorrhages, 2 broken ribs, and minimal bleeding on her brain (the cause of the seizures) all associated with what is known as Shaken Baby Syndrome. There are no words to describe what hearing such a thing did to me. Since neither myself or my husband, or anyone else for that matter, could provide any explanation for her injuries my daughter was taken from me at 2 months and placed in foster care. The next few months saw meetings with DSS, and interrogations by detectives. In October, because I was the primary caregiver of my daughter, I was charged with child abuse and arrested. Soon after my husband came forward and said that he believed that he was responsible. There are no words for that feeling either. While he was in jail he was convinced by his lawyer and parents (neither he or his family are members) to recant his confession.

After several months of court dates, my charges were officially dropped. My husband took a plea and was sentenced to probation. Naturally, while still married, we are not currently together. On July 8th we go to court. Im hoping that the judge will allow me to bring my daughter back home (Alabama). DSS doesn't want this to happen as they worry for the rights that her father might have. However, because of all of this-and having spent so long not being able to leave the state, I've been living in a hotel. Because charges were placed on me I was suspended from my job, and was left without a car. I reached out to my local ward here many times, not for monetary things like food orders, even though I probably should have asked, but more to the missionaries and my bishop for blessings of peace and comfort and strength as there have been many times where I never thought i would find the strength to get out of bed. I was new to the ward, so no one knew me. Me reaching out was solely out of faith, because i knew anyone upon hearing such a story would judge me....at least thats how i saw it in my head. After a few months it seems the members of my ward forgot about me. I have no car, so i haven't been able to attend meetings-even though I want nothing more than to do so. I want nothing more than to partake in sacrament, and because of my lack of attendance (not lack of faith) I feel that maybe I do not deserve to ask of more help, or didn't know how.

Shortly before my husband's arrest I found out that I was pregnant again. Not planned. It was by no means planned. However, looking back now I feel that this was a gift from Heavenly Father in many ways. This pregnancy has been in many ways the only thing keeping me from ending my life, and I think maybe its Heavenly Father's way of giving me a chance to experience all of the things I have missed with my daughter. Very few people know that I am expecting a second child. I haven't told any members at church. It's pride, fear, not knowing anyone-not wanting to explain this situation to everyone. How could I? What could anyone do for me? How could anyone possibly help? I can't even find a way to church, so how could I even expect help? Not only that, but the bishop quit returning my calls some time ago.

The hardest part of all of this is that I have been completely isolated from everyone. My family is home in Alabama. Luckily, I have several friends in my branch from home that check on me, that do know of the situation. I was unable to travel out of state until my charges were dropped, and since my daughter is still in placement, leaving here permanently isn't an option. So I sit in this hotel room-trying to convince myself that things will be okay, trying to hold on to faith, and finding it harder and harder to do so. Ive done everything that has been asked of me by DSS. Upon returning home for a visit in almost a year I even found a place that agreed to hire me. My parents have opened their home to me and my children to live. And if I am able to return home, eventually my life will be able to get back on track. If i have to stay here...I have nothing. I am so scared that I'll never be able to have my daughter. That that will be taken from me. If that happens, i have no idea how I can go on. As I said, my charges were dropped. Ive been clearned, legally, of any wrong doing. I'm hoping now that upon court I can be reunited with my daughter and return home and continue the life that was meant for us. However, my faith is wavering now-my courage is wavering, and I've never felt more alone. I don't know what else to do. What if it isn't enough?

I've never been perfect. I've been trying to figure out what I've done that has caused Heavenly Father to punish me so, even though my family constantly reminds me that He does not work that way. I just have felt so disconnected from the church, and I keep praying for anything...and thats how I found my way here. I know it doesn't make sense. I know all of this sounds like some awful Lifetime movie. I don't know what advice or support i expect to gain from here...I just...I didn't know where else to go...

[applepansy]

Your story breaks my heart.

I have a question. Was anyone else in the family investigated? From what you posted I got the impression that the child was hurt in Maryland.

I've never heard of a Bishop who stops taking a members calls. If the Bishop isn't taking your calls then call the Stake President.

Reach out to your ward again. You need to be in Sacrament meeting. Find a ride somehow no matter what it takes.

I'm sure you've been unable to post the whole story and I'm not asking you to. But you need to talk. The Bishop (or maybe Stake Pres, in your situation) should be able to help you get some counseling. A good counselor will be able to help you not only get through the feelings but also help you navigate the system and get your daughter back.

Then, first before everything else, remember that your Heavenly Father loves you. Jesus is the Christ. The atonement is for everyone. The atonement can heal a broken heart. Through the atonement you can find peace again. Miracles happen when we rely on Christ. Let it work in your life.

[Sunday21]

You have been through a series of horrible experiences! None of which are your fault..oh dear. The hardest thing for me to learn to accept is that one can be living the gospel as hard as you can and things still go wrong. Hard as it is to swallow, that's part of the plan. Even the best people get unbelievable trials. On a more practical note, the neighboring ward is probably just really disorganized. I would try calling the local family history center and getting the stake president's name and number and call there. After that try the relief society president. Hard as it is to believe some bishops, stake presidents etc are just unbelievably disorganized. We are praying for you!

[augustbringsyou]

Thank you. In all honesty I wasn't sure what I was expecting, I think I just needed to pour out my thoughts to something, and this was easier than doing to face to face. Part of the problem is that going through this, I isolated myself from many of those who would have been willing to help, or offer support and prayer. It's hard. Some of those I've told this to have been so heartbroken that they no longer talk to me, not because they feel I am responsible, but because they are so afraid to upset me further.

As far as the ward goes, I think part of the problem is that its so large here. I'm from pretty much the middle of no where, from a place where there aren't a whole lot of members and so its just a small branch. Everyone there is really close. Its just not like that here. And, I have a hard time asking for help. My bishop did offer to help me with counseling through family services, but when he told me what it would cost I just simply could not afford it. I am in a form of counseling, but I suppose the problem is that the only thing that can possibly help me is for this to be over. I don't even know what to ask for at this point. I think that might be part of the problem. I asked for visiting teachers, just to have someone to talk to, or maybe even make a few new friends-something that can distract me from this awful situation for a few moments each month and no one ever got back to me.

I did speak to my relief society president. Occasionally she will email me and tell me she is thinking about me. She took me to see the bishop to get a blessing when I really needed it. She is a sweet woman. However, I dont know how to reach out to people without sounding needy-desperate. My bishop once told me would ask around and see if he could help me find transportation and then never got back to me. Honestly I think ive just been lost in the midst of people. I've been trying really hard not to let it affect my feelings on the church, sometimes its hard though.

Ive never known anyone to go through something like this. I hate talking about it because I dont want anyone thinking im just wanting sympathy. I know some of this is pride, and im trying hard to overcome it.

Thank you both for your words, i know it may not seem like much to either of you-but really just the fact that you took the time out to respond to such a long and heartbreaking post without passing judgement is comforting.

[Sunday21]

Dear August,

You have the right to ask and get help. At some points in our lives, we all need a crutch. That does not mean that you are going to use the crutch forever, just until the leg heals. It is weak to use a crutch when you have broken your leg? No, it is a temporary measure until the leg heals.

Call that bishop once a week until he arranges a ride for you. Furthermore, and I speak as one who has served in the relief society presidency more than once, when you can not afford to pay for LDS counseling, it is up to the ward to pay for it. That's what all that fast offering is for! What's more, we are all needy-desperate at some point in our lives. Just imagine how we will be just before we cash in our chips...we will be very reliant on other people to do things for us. This is part of the cycle of life and there is nothing to be ashamed of! As a member of the church, you have the right to receive help and if your bishop does not know this, then the relief society president or stake president should. We are all operating out of the same manuals...or have these people decided to start their own religion? Ridiculous!

Edited June 25, 2011 by Sunday21

[applepansy]

August,

Its ok to feel needy and desperate and its ok to show it sometimes. You need help. The church can help with paying for counseling but its up to the bishop. Talk to him again and explain that money is an issue.

I was acquainted with a family who went through a similar experience as what you describe. The husband served jail time and was eventually reunited with his family. I do not know if they had any more children after that because they moved away. (She was a clerk at the grocery store where I shopped and the news did a educational segment on Shaken Baby Syndrome. Her family was participated.)

You need help to get your family put back together again. Please reach out for that help.

Contact your bishop and insist on a calling. You need to "lose yourself in service." It will help the depression and feelings of helplessness if you're able to help someone else. Get involved as much as possible. A hard thing to do ... But very very important.

Edited June 26, 2011 by applepansy

[Gwen]

I'm very sorry to hear of your difficult situation.

I'm a little confused, which state has taken your baby? Did your husband say why he thought he may be at fault? Had your husband ever done anything before that you thought was over a line or too rough or poor judgment with the baby? Have you researched any other medical explanations for such injuries?

Something you should to speak with legal counsel about.... you may need to leave the state, if they have one child because "you are a danger" then they may be able to take the second from you at the hospital. You may need to leave by the time you have that baby to protect you and the child.

Obviously you don't have to answer any questions I've asked or expound upon your situation. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I'm pretty sure I'm just a stone's throw from you. I also happen to know of a lawyer who isn't afraid to take on state services when they take a child unjustly, you may be able to get a consult if you aren't satisfied with the help you are currently getting. Just send me a message if you want to talk.

[LDSJewess]

I'm very sorry to hear of your difficult situation.

I'm a little confused, which state has taken your baby? Did your husband say why he thought he may be at fault? Had your husband ever done anything before that you thought was over a line or too rough or poor judgment with the baby? Have you researched any other medical explanations for such injuries?

Something you should to speak with legal counsel about.... you may need to leave the state, if they have one child because "you are a danger" then they may be able to take the second from you at the hospital. You may need to leave by the time you have that baby to protect you and the child.

Obviously you don't have to answer any questions I've asked or expound upon your situation. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I'm pretty sure I'm just a stone's throw from you. I also happen to know of a lawyer who isn't afraid to take on state services when they take a child unjustly, you may be able to get a consult if you aren't satisfied with the help you are currently getting. Just send me a message if you want to talk.

I was about to say the same thing regarding obtaining legal counsel. Not knowing what you think could have happened it is hard to assess, but the fact that your child had seizures and retinal hemorrhage is not in and of itself a diagnosis for shaken baby syndrome. Yes, those are symptoms but so are a numnber of other possibilities.

One of my grandchildren died at the age of 3 months. No broken ribs but the other symptoms of seizures and retinal hemorrhage were present. When he stopped breathing he was rushed to the hospital and the nurses kept referring to "his injuries" which confused me immediately because he had not incurred any injuries, just seizure and stopped breathing. But they were basing the possibility of shaken baby injury by the retinal hemorrhage which was present in the exam. My daughter and son in law were questioned over and over by the police in the hospital before the baby was even pronounced dead. As it turned out the medical examiner in the autopsy declared the cause of death to be "postural asphyxiation" which appearently was caused by the baby being at an age where he could turn over half way but did not yet have the strength or coordination to right himself which in turn cut off his airways and the seizures and the retinal hemorrage were symptoms of this event. Lack of oxygen can cause this and it can even be found in babies that die from SIDS although not as ccommon of symptoms.

This very tragic event was traumatic as it was to the parents and our entire family, and although we realized the police had to do their jobs especially in light of so many real abuse cases. But the investigation makes the tragedy even more traumatic. Sometimes the system wants immediate answers and are too quick to accuse. Had my grandson not died there would have been no autopsy and we we were told that the causes of what they thought to be "injury" may have gone undected.

I hope that you can have the cause of your baby's symptoms thoroughly investigated and legal counsel help as well because not knowing what happened will put a stain on you and your family.

Also if it can be truly be determined what these symptoms were, you can avoid them in the future as well as monitor the new baby too. Children that have symptoms like this can be prone to SIDS in some studies, and siblings can inherit similar symptoms.

This of course is providing there were no actual injuries, even unintended ones, but it is worth looking into.

As for the financial needs and counseling needs you have, be persistant with your Bishop and Stake President. Don't worry about looking needy. We all could wind up needy at one time or another. Right now you are in need. Perhaps in the future your life experience will come in handy to help someone else in need.

One more thing. Please do not feel less of a member because you are new or a convert. The LDS church is one of the strongest mission churches there is and converts are plentiful. We were all new at one time or another, and many will reach out to you if you reach out as well. As for the ride, ask people. Don't be shy about it. If you were in my ward and asked me, I would not hesitate to offer the ride and I am sure many others would as well without being asked by the Bishop. Also find out who is in charge of Visiting Teaching and make it clear that you need a visiting teacher.

And of course turn to Heavenly Father and pray for strength and answers.

You are not alone.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[skippy740]

I can't read the entire thread. Just way too emotional for me. You've got a very sad situation.

I wanted to ask (because it entered my mind), but is it possible that your daughter has brittle bone disease? I mention this because I recall an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition where the child was taken away because of the broken bones, and the father (or both parents) were arrested for child abuse. Later it was discovered it was brittle bone disease.

Watch Full Episodes for Free Online - Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - ABC.com

I'm not saying this is what happened to you, but I just thought of it, and wondered if it could also be an explanation of your daughter's condition... (assuming your husband wasn't truly at fault).

I wish you the best.

[Guest mirancs8]

This was just to emotional to read. I feel so sorry for you and what you are going through.

Keep strong.

[lost123]

Know of good things to come. Take courage in knowing that God is there for you. I have felt so terribly abandoned by church members before when I needed them most. It isn't intentional but I did wonder if God had forgotten me. Keep on keeping on, seek legal counsel, talk to your Stake President and remain faithful. Things will get better...even if they seem to get worse first.

Watch this:

We are praying for you.

[Gwen]

Broken ribs can be caused from a mishandled or difficult delivery. And yes sometimes it's not discovered for the first couple months.

[Backroads]

I am so sorry for you in this situation.

I truly would investigate other explanations for your daughter's situation. You are far from the first family to be accused incorrectly of abuse, though I do want to know your husband's reasoning.

Actively reach out to your ward. Someone there will care for you.

[Gwen]

I realized today I never asked about your daughter. How is she doing?

[sodapop]

It could be a misdiagnosis..

There are a lot of vaccine induced conditions in infants that are usually misdiagnosed by doctors as shaken baby syndrome. I suggest you do more research and get a lawyer, tell your lawyer about this and ask for opinions from other doctors. Sorry, I am not a doctor and I feel so bad about this. If I were, I would help to defend you in court. I'm not sure if i'm supposed to post links but this one is full of info about shaken baby syndrome misdiagnosis Shaken Baby/Impact Syndrome: Flawed Concepts and Misdiagnoses,

[augustbringsyou]

Thank you all for your responses. One of the things my therapist has encouraged me to do is to try and talk more openly about what has happened. I know that this may seem like a cop out in many ways, but im still taking baby steps.

When my daughter was first taken, and I finally found the strength to remove myself from my bed, I did nothing but research on other possible explanations. I emailed every other cause I could think of to my attorney (yes, i do have one). He got a medical expert to look ever everything and this expert said he could find no other possible explanation. However, my daughter suffered no neck injury, made a very quick recovery, and suffers no trauma now. To me, things still dont seem to add up.

My husband was able to give a detailed account of what he believes happened to police. Apparently it was enough to provide all the explanations thats everyone needed, and that was what led to him taking a plea of 5 years probation. The timeline suggested that this happened while we were visiting his family from NC in MD. However, he said that something else could have happened in NC, which resulted him being convicted in two seperate states.

My husband and I are not living together right now. My first priority is getting my daughter home, and that is impossible as long as him and I are together. Saying that breaks my heart, and im not sure where the road will lead us, but for the time being it just simply cannot be. I was cleared of any wrong doing-and I am going leaving to go home to my family regardless if I am able to take my daughter with me next week after court. I may be having to make a long journey each week from Alabama to North Carolina to see her, but thats just what I'll have to do. Since I have been cleared of wrong doing, have good results from therapy and reports from my visitations, I am not worried about losing this child-but I must admit that is one reason why I am so desperate to have this baby back home instead of here.

I appreciate all of the support some of you have given me. Please continue to keep my family in your prayers.

[Jennarator]

I am reading this at work and sobbing. Prayers coming your way.

Find someone to talk to. counsler might help, too. Not that you have done anything wrong, just to help cope. A blessing might help, too. Call the missionaries, in the area, if need be.