Advice on homosexual adultery needed.

[Mormon90]

I have never done this before, but could really do with some advice. I'll start with a bit of background information to set the scene of the problem.

I was born into the gospel and went less active when I was 15 for a couple of years. During this time I broke the law of chastity a number of times, including with my now husband who I met and got together with when I was 18. He joined the church 5 years before we met. We had a civil ceremony in 2009 and were sealed in the temple a year later.

When we got married, I was very honest with him about the mistakes that I had made in the time when I was less active. He also confessed to me his previous transgressions as I made it clear to him that I didn't want there to be any secrets within our marriage.

As far as I was aware, we were happily married. We had our problems, but we both regularly attended the temple, served in the church and had strong testimonies. We started trying for a baby once we were sealed, but we didn't get pregnant for a while.

In May this year, my husband confessed to me that he had committed adultery, with another man. He had gone on an internet chat site and arranged to meet a random guy, who he had sexual contact with in our home whilst I was at work. This happened on new years eve, so it had taken him 6 months to tell me. He didnt tell me everything at first, it took him about a week to tell me the full story, where I then discovered that this was something that he used to do before we were married. This was the third time he had met a man and had sexual contact in this way. I was devistated.

He is going through the repentance process, and I prayed long and hard at home and at the temple about whether I should stay with him. I felt like I should try to work it out with him, so I told him that I would try. A couple of days later, I found out I was pregnant.

Since him telling me, we have moved out of the house and the city where it happened and have started over. He is waiting for the Bishop and Stake President to decide how to deal with the situation, and I am trying my best to live with him and trust him again. However he still lies to me about things. Only little things, but it really bothers me because he tells me that he is being completely honest with me and that he has nothing else to tell me, but then I find out that he has lied about more little things.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Is it possible for someone battling with homosexual tendencies to get over it and be a faithful husband? Will I ever be able to trust him again? Any experiences or advice that may help would be appreciated. Thanks.

[skippy740]

Before you do much of anything else... get to a doctor and have yourself tested for STDs, HIV and such. Your health has been in danger without your knowledge and you need to know - not only for yourself, but for your baby.

I can't offer you much additional advice, but you need to do this. Today.

[Soulsearcher]

Personally I think one of the most important things is to figure out why he's having sexual contact with men. Is this an occasional fetish type deal, is he Bi, or is he a closeted homosexual living a marriage trying to appear "normal". Answering this could lead to a few bigger answers for you. I haven't been in this situation exactly, I've been closer to being in your husbands place and also talked to a lot of men who could be like your husband. If he's a closeted gay man then things could be more difficult for you. It possible he married to keep up appearances and do what society expected him to do. Doesn't mean he can't be faithful, but could make it harder. really it's not a huge difference from anyone being unfaithful in a marriage except solving the underlying issue could be harder. If it's a fetish or he's bi, then it more easily comes to a self control issue and counseling could work wonders. One could hope that the upcoming baby might help him focus, but it also could lead to more of a chance of him relapsing with all the changes and a possible lack of a sexual outlet at some point during the pregnancy. I'd have trouble trusting him again, but then i have trouble trusting anyone so I'm not the best to give advice on that.

My strongest advice is to find out the why, that's where you'll start to find your path.

[Soulsearcher]

Before you do much of anything else... get to a doctor and have yourself tested for STDs, HIV and such. Your health has been in danger without your knowledge and you need to know - not only for yourself, but for your baby.

I can't offer you much additional advice, but you need to do this. Today.

LOL i know you'd give the exact same advice if he'd slept with a few women right

[Bini]

LOL i know you'd give the exact same advice if he'd slept with a few women right

I would say, absolutely!

I don't care if the adultery is done with other men, women or both—if you're having sexual contact with other people, I'm getting checked out!

[skippy740]

Yes, but the medical risks seem to be even higher with someone who has had male homosexual activity.

[Soulsearcher]

I would say, absolutely!

I don't care if the adultery is done with other men, women or both—if you're having sexual contact with other people, I'm getting checked out!

You'll notice for the most part my comment was in jest. I agree with the advice, but don't see it given as much as it should when there's straight adultery. Did raise an eyebrow that it was the only advice given and just wanted to highlight it's always good advice not just in certain cases. LOL

Back on topic :)

[Bini]

I have a family member that is openly homosexual but it wasn't always like that.. The family had suspected that he might be gay but whenever the topic came up, he evaded the issue, neither addressing it one way or another. Through highschool, he made effort to socialise and date girls. But after graduation, he finally came out and told the family that he just wasn't interested in women and that he wanted to pursue a homosexual lifestyle. Since then he's become involved with a wonderful person, I personally can't envision him with anyone else, they're just sooo happy together. Anyway, my point is, I know this family member well and regardless of how torn he was (playing the part of a straight man), he would NEVER betray someone as your significant other has. So I guess what I'm saying is, someone who betrays and cheats, is someone who betrays and cheats. Being a "trapped" homosexual is no excuse and can be no more justified than a "trapped" heterosexual that wishes he was living another life with another woman.

So you got two issues here. Addressing the underlying reason behind WHY your significant other is interested in men and also the cheating issue. The two are completely different matters but I think people combine them as a way out to justify their actions.

[Guest]

I think that might be a dealbreaker for me, especially if he's not being totally and completely honest about absolutely everything now (which would be part of being totally contrite). Of course it's really hard to say for sure from the armchair.

[Bini]

Yes, but the medical risks seem to be even higher with someone who has had male homosexual activity.

This is true to an extent.

I know when I worked in the hospital, there was a lot of concern about STDS etc due to anal sex, which typically is associated with homosexuality but there is plenty of the heterosexual population that participate in this as well.

[Bini]

I think that might be a dealbreaker for me, especially if he's not being totally and completely honest about absolutely everything now (which would be part of being totally contrite). Of course it's really hard to say for sure from the armchair.

This particular situation would be a dealbreaker for me, no question.

I know I sit on a different boat than a lot of people regarding this subject, as I don't believe that people can choose their gender attraction. So for me, if my husband came clean about being attracted to men only, it would break my heart but I'd know that I can't make him happy in the way that he would be happy with another man. I also don't think it's fair to the family unit (especially if there's children involved) to be the guineapigs of a relationship consisting of a heterosexual and homosexual parent. If both parents were heterosexual or both parents were homosexual, at least, there is a connection and bond there..

[Vort]

LOL i know you'd give the exact same advice if he'd slept with a few women right

Anal sex, a central feature of male homosexuality, is a far riskier and more disease-laden form of sexual contact than heterosexual (vaginal) sex. Of course the advice to get tested for diseases is more obvious and more pressing in cases where such things have been practiced.

[Suzie]

I would say get tested right away regardless of whether he slept with men or women and regardless of the type of sexual intercourse he experienced. Anal intercourse it is indeed part of homosexual relations, but it is also part of heterosexual relations. Whatever happened, please get tested!

[ChooseTheSun]

My heart goes out to you and your family. There are plenty of men who identify as straight who engage in anonymous male sex -- the Center For Disease Control even established a seperate category for them ("men who have sex with men") because they don't think of themselves as gay, yet they feel compelled to pursue homosexual activity, typically keeping it hidden afterwards from their "straight" world. The issue is the behavior and what is safe for you and your family. You are describing high risk behavior from a physical health point of view but also emotionally devistating. Talk with a skilled family therapist and establish a realistic plan for the future. Good luck and keep strong!

[rameumptom]

A man or woman may have homosexual tendencies and still live a normal heterosexual life. That said, true repentance is difficult, long, and a process that will affect both of you for a very long time.

First thing is he needs to become straight up with you. No more lies. If he has an addiction to lying, or fears telling the truth, he needs to have counseling for it. Otherwise, you will forever remain skeptical of any repentance he claims to make.

Good luck to you.

[Mormon90]

Thanks for all your advice and opinions so far.

I told him to go and get tested straight away, and I am being tested tomorrow when I go for my midwife appointment. He was all clear so I will probably be fine too.

Does anyone know whether my husband is possibly a threat in terms of sexual abuse? He is training to be a teacher and I sometimes have doubts about whether he should be doing this. If he can't control himself and is deviant, is it likely that he may get involved with a student for the same kind of excitement? Is he a threat to our child?

I decided to call his bluff today and told him that I knew he was still lying to me, then more came out. Details that he had lied to me about such as whether he was wearing his garments and wedding ring when he cheated on me, that since telling me he has looked at gay porn a number of times online and been back on websites to talk to men but not meet with them. Is this a lost cause? I really dont know what to do anymore....

[Soulsearcher]

Does anyone know whether my husband is possibly a threat in terms of sexual abuse? He is training to be a teacher and I sometimes have doubts about whether he should be doing this. If he can't control himself and is deviant, is it likely that he may get involved with a student for the same kind of excitement? Is he a threat to our child?

I wouldn't overly think he's a risk for sex abuse from what you have told us. While his behaviors are less than desirable (referring more to the lying and cheating), unless he's really shown a reason to considered a danger to children i'd say this is an irrational fear at the moment. I'm also not sure he's not able to control himself and also not sure I'd call him deviant. Does he desire to control himself right now would more be my question. Again, until you know the why of his exploring homosexual activities, you really won't get a great many answers i don't think.

[Dravin]

Does anyone know whether my husband is possibly a threat in terms of sexual abuse? He is training to be a teacher and I sometimes have doubts about whether he should be doing this. If he can't control himself and is deviant, is it likely that he may get involved with a student for the same kind of excitement? Is he a threat to our child?

Are you worried because he's shown a lack of moral fortitude? Or because he showed it with men?

Personally I don't think the leap from cheater to child molester is established enough to be worried about in any concrete sense. Though I do understand the desire to think all teachers are paragons of virtue.

Edited July 12, 2011 by Dravin

[Soulsearcher]

I can understand that he's shown some moral flaws by committing adultery, but if he'd slept with a women and looked at heterosexual pornography under similar circumstances would you be worrying about the sexual abuse of a daughter or female student because of his actions? Or is it just the thought that because he's a sleeze ball that sleeps with men he'll also sleep with children?

You mean not all men that sleep with men also sleep with kids? I'm shocked, this goes against so many of the "facts" i've been told over the years. Whom ever should i trust any more ?

[Dravin]

You mean not all men that sleep with men also sleep with kids? I'm shocked, this goes against so many of the "facts" i've been told over the years. Whom ever should i trust any more ?

Heh, a discussion about the very subject was one of the first I engaged in on this board. Someone was convinced a sibling (I think) whom he found some homosexual porn on his computer couldn't be trusted to be alone with her son due to concerns of abuse.

Edited July 12, 2011 by Dravin

[Vort]

unless he's really shown a reason to considered a danger to children i'd say this is an irrational fear at the moment.

There is nothing irrational about fearing that someone who has shown an attraction to one type of sexual perversion might show an attraction to another. It may be factually incorrect and even unwarranted, but it is certainly not irrational.

[Soulsearcher]

Heh, a discussion about the very subject was one of the first I engaged in on this board. Someone was convinced a sibling (I think) whom he found some homosexual porn on his computer couldn't be trusted to be alone with her son due to concerns of abuse.

I still get the comments now and then, but admittedly a lot less than i used to. Wondering if attitudes are changing or if people are just smart enough not to say it to my face any more lol. I remember a friend was so worried about her gay brother in law being a danger in a few ways to her kids only to find out her straight temple recommend holding hubby was going after 14 yr olds and allowing their oldest son to "play" with younger siblings.

[Soulsearcher]

There is nothing irrational about fearing that someone who has shown an attraction to one type of sexual perversion might show an attraction to another. It may be factually incorrect and even unwarranted, but it is certainly not irrational.

So I'm rational in thinking all straight people are a danger to children as well? I mean straight men like females, so really all ages of females would apply? They already shown an attraction right?

[Guest]

I wouldn't be so concerned about the homosexual activity as the porn addiction. He's already escalated to gay porn and acted on it, what's not to say that he won't eventually be led to child porn. . . and then what? Pornography has become such an insidious, destructive force to families and society.

[Soulsearcher]

I wouldn't be so concerned about the homosexual activity as the porn addiction. He's already escalated to gay porn and acted on it, what's not to say that he won't eventually be led to child porn. . . and then what? Pornography has become such an insidious, destructive force to families and society.

There's a few errors in logic here.

First there is a difference in viewing porn and being addicted to porn. Second we haven't figured out the why's of the gay porn and gay behavior. if he is gay then there's not really an escalation really just him acting on what's already there. Third there's really not enough correlation between viewing of any porn leading to viewing child porn. Pedophiles in and of themselves operate a wee bit different, usually a very set type of personality seeking particular things, very little of it sexual at the root.