Advice on homosexual adultery needed.


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Guest LiterateParakeet

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Does anyone know whether my husband is possibly a threat in terms of sexual abuse?

In my (not professional) opinion, I would be more concerned leaving my children with someone who has a pornography problem, then a homosexual. Of course, you did say your husband is also looking at pornography...

We can't tell you what to do, of course, but I will say that it concerns me that he is still not telling you the complete truth. Whatever you decide, you have my support...I can certainly understand if you choose divorce, to be honest, staying with him would be harder for me to understand, but I would still support you. Keep praying. I'm sorry to say that either way you go is likely to be painful. What I mean is...don't make your decision based on pain...stay or go...it's going to hurt either way.

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I wouldn't be so concerned about the homosexual activity as the porn addiction. He's already escalated to gay porn and acted on it, what's not to say that he won't eventually be led to child porn. . . and then what? Pornography has become such an insidious, destructive force to families and society.

I'm sure it has happened, where grown men and women involved in adult pornography venture into child pornography. But I don't believe homosexuals are more prone to child pornography or child abuse, than those that are heterosexual.

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There's a few errors in logic here.

First there is a difference in viewing porn and being addicted to porn. Second we haven't figured out the why's of the gay porn and gay behavior. if he is gay then there's not really an escalation really just him acting on what's already there. Third there's really not enough correlation between viewing of any porn leading to viewing child porn. Pedophiles in and of themselves operate a wee bit different, usually a very set type of personality seeking particular things, very little of it sexual at the root.

I've heard and read evidence to the contrary, and I've seen the life of a person close to me change dramatically because of her husband's escalating porn addiction, so there's anecdotal evidence. But I know you're disinclined to agree, so I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree. As for myself, his porn addiction coupled with his tendency to lie would keep my eyes wide open.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Third there's really not enough correlation between viewing of any porn leading to viewing child porn. Pedophiles in and of themselves operate a wee bit different, usually a very set type of personality seeking particular things, very little of it sexual at the root.

Soulsearcher, I have to disagree with you about whether or not there is enough correlation. Whether or not there is enough evidence depends on whom you are trying to persuade. Intellectually speaking...you are probably right. However, as a mom, I have heard enough stories of boys and men that went from porn to either child porn or actually molesting children, to keep my children away from anyone that I know is involved in porn... And since we don't always know who is viewing porn, there are other safety measures.

I understand your point about pedophiles and I agree...but I still stand by my previous point about pornography.

If homosexuality were the only factor, I would have more than my usual concerns.

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I'm sure it has happened, where grown men and women involved in adult pornography venture into child pornography. But I don't believe homosexuals are more prone to child pornography or child abuse, than those that are heterosexual.

Neither do I and i don't think I claimed so. I think that a heterosexual man (assuming he is) who has to turn to gay porn because the "normal" stuff doesn't do it for him anymore and then ACTS on it would be, to me, a risk as far as then getting bored with that and turning to something else, like child porn. And I do believe that those who engage in such things eventually become sensitized enough to it that it doesn't become such a big deal to go one further and act on it.

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I've heard and read evidence to the contrary, and I've seen the life of a person close to me change dramatically because of her husband's escalating porn addiction, so there's anecdotal evidence. But I know you're disinclined to agree, so I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree. As for myself, his porn addiction coupled with his tendency to lie would keep my eyes wide open.

Again you are comparing an actual addiction in the case of the person close to you. One can become addicted to many things, but indulging in these things doesn't always lead to addiction, there tends to be other factors involved with this. There is a difference between what can happen and what must happen in every case. Just because porn is bad doesn't mean that all situations it's involved in end in worst case scenario. So while he has "viewed gay porn a number of times" there's no evidence of an addiction. Many people view this site a number of times a day, do we assume there is an addiction or just an interest?

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I believe that viewing pornography regularly is an addiction. You're free to disagree with me. Pornography is by its nature addictive and destructive. Not even in the same universe as chatting on an innocuous message board. Again, disagree if you'd like, but that's where I sit.

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This may seem harsh but I think you need to decide sooner than later if you are staying or leaving. It will be much harder for you to leave once the baby is born.

I would insist on counseling, get to the root of things and then decide if you are divorcing or working it out....... however, doing all that together and then try to make the decision to leave (if that is what needs to be done) vs doing it seperated and making the decision will be very emotionally different situations for you after the child is born.

You don't necessarily have to divorce right now, you can legally seperate allowing for child support, visitation schedule, etc to be worked out and then take your time with making the decision. He can be there when the baby is born, in fact I would still encourage that. But make some of the harder decisions now, it will make doing what you have to later easier.

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Soulsearcher, I have to disagree with you about whether or not there is enough correlation. Whether or not there is enough evidence depends on whom you are trying to persuade. Intellectually speaking...you are probably right. However, as a mom, I have heard enough stories of boys and men that went from porn to either child porn or actually molesting children, to keep my children away from anyone that I know is involved in porn... And since we don't always know who is viewing porn, there are other safety measures.

I understand your point about pedophiles and I agree...but I still stand by my previous point about pornography.

If homosexuality were the only factor, I would have more than my usual concerns.

This is where we get some of the problems floating around out there. I fully understand about protecting and taking measures to protect kids. i've helped raise 5. the issue is When we toss out facts or "what really happened" in favor of " well i heard this story" which tends to feed a lot of fears but glosses over many facts. When we already consider something "bad" we'll accept many things we hear about it that enforce that point of view without digging very deep or trying to get the "whole truth" What many of the stories you've heard probably leave out is that while there was an escalation from viewing porn to molestation was that there were many many warning signs long before porn entered the picture that were ignored, so porn was one of the first outlets that was there. Yes porn played a part, but it wasn't the cause. I'm not defending porn to the LDS, I'm more than aware of the stance and agree it CAN lead to bad things, I've seen it my self in a few cases though never seen it escalate from "normal" porn to kiddie porn( unless it was a rapid change when first exploring or as comfort about not being caught rose), but we have to be careful about assumptions.

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I believe that viewing pornography regularly is an addiction. You're free to disagree with me. Pornography is by its nature addictive and destructive. Not even in the same universe as chatting on an innocuous message board. Again, disagree if you'd like, but that's where I sit.

The only issue i have is using the word addiction. Being it does have a set definition then the use of the word should match the real meaning of the word. Also perception is key, we've seen a number of people addicted to this site and it's ruined a few marriages and lives. It's how you perceive the particular activity and it's personal meaning to you.

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Neither do I and i don't think I claimed so. I think that a heterosexual man (assuming he is) who has to turn to gay porn because the "normal" stuff doesn't do it for him anymore and then ACTS on it would be, to me, a risk as far as then getting bored with that and turning to something else, like child porn. And I do believe that those who engage in such things eventually become sensitized enough to it that it doesn't become such a big deal to go one further and act on it.

I didn't say you claimed so :] I made a comment of my thoughts based on what you posted.

I did want to add, however, that regardless of one's pornographic preferences—I personally would choose not to have it in my life. I've been there and done that with my exhusband. I will never put myself through that again. It certainly is a valid concern to be cautious, even paranoid perhaps, with someone that lacks such self control that they are dishonest, deceitful and turn to pornography to outlet frustrations/soothe fetishes etc. With my exhusband, for example, he viewed adult pornography but the women portrayed in his fantasy roles looked to be teenage. While most people don't consider teenagers to be little children, they are still children. During our marriage, I was very concerned that he may become involved with a student (highschool) because of his interest in pornography that showcased young—very young looking women.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Soulsearcher...maybe we should start a new thread rather than hijack this one, but if you don't mind, I am really interested in discussing this some more with you. It is not my intent to argue, I agree with much of what you say and I am curious about other points.

First, I am curious...where do you think one crosses the line from viewing porn to addiction. I can agree with you that there is a difference...I don't think everyone is addicted from the first time they see it or even a few times. I am unclear though where to draw the line.

Second, if you wouldn't mind elaborating more on this, "What many of the stories you've heard probably leave out is that while there was an escalation from viewing porn to molestation was that there were many many warning signs long before porn entered the picture that were ignored, so porn was one of the first outlets that was there. Yes porn played a part, but it wasn't the cause."

Ok, my stories (I realize they are anctedotal to you and anyone else reading this, they are real to me.) The closest was my nephew. His father was heavily into porn and I had a bad feeling about the son. I couldn't give a reason, maybe it was the Spirit warning me. I didn't ostrasize the boy, but I didn't let him be alone with my children (or his father either). My nephew was later arrested and served time for child molestation.

A close friend of mine was molested by her brother and he told her later that he did it because of porn. I guess seeing the pictures wasn't enough after awhile, and no girlfriend?

Finally, another close friend of mine found out her husband is into porn and had been for years (I think we can call that an addiction???)...Later she found out that he was into child porn as well. (he is active in the church, I never would have guessed...) To my knowledge he has not molested anyone, but I wouldn't leave my children alone with him...

So thinking about this...perhaps you are right that there were warning signs, I don't know and I was fairly close to these cases...except for the first one, I knew all the parties involved. Whether or not there were warning signs the end result seems to be the same. Is that not cause enough for extra caution when one know that a person is involved with porn. I don't need to know that there were previous warning signs...porn itself signals that something is wrong...

As someone trying to protect children (which I hope is ALL of us whether we are parents or not) wouldn't you argree? We don't need to know which came first the chicken or the egg, the porn or something else... We need to try to prevent what all to often comes next...

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An addiction isn't about how long you have done something. It has to do with if it controls you, negativly impacts your life, becomes an obsession, etc. Simply looking at porn over the years does not mean it's done any of those things.

Molestion does not mean predator. There have been many young men who got involved in porn and then it progressed to wanting something real. sometimes young men from conservative homes are afraid of that first move and they do pick an easy target that is close to them (sister, neighbor, etc). Those are very sad situations but that does not mean they are child predators.

Yes all this is an emotional subject and it can be hard to seperate the stories and myths from a discusison of facts. Yes it's a good idea to start a new thread.

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So I'm rational in thinking all straight people are a danger to children as well? I mean straight men like females, so really all ages of females would apply? They already shown an attraction right?

Are you intentionally ignoring what I wrote just to be contrary? If so, congratulations, you have succeeded.

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There's a few errors in logic here.

First there is a difference in viewing porn and being addicted to porn. Second we haven't figured out the why's of the gay porn and gay behavior. if he is gay then there's not really an escalation really just him acting on what's already there. Third there's really not enough correlation between viewing of any porn leading to viewing child porn. Pedophiles in and of themselves operate a wee bit different, usually a very set type of personality seeking particular things, very little of it sexual at the root.

Where are the errors in logic?

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So I'm rational in thinking all straight people are a danger to children as well? I mean straight men like females, so really all ages of females would apply? They already shown an attraction right?

I think we live in a world full of stereotypes and assumptions. From the 70's some people have been trying (very unsuccessful in my opinion) to link homosexuality to child abuse.

An interesting reading here:

Facts About Homosexuality and Child Molestation

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Thanks for your thoughts. Obviously there are a lot of emotions involved at the moment and I'm questioning a lot of things.

The bishop says that my husband is definitely dealing with an addiction and has recommended the addiction recovery programme for him. He is also going to arrange counselling for him.

I guess it's down to me now to decide what to do. It's going to take a lot of praying I think...

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Guest LiterateParakeet

An addiction isn't about how long you have done something. It has to do with if it controls you, negativly impacts your life, becomes an obsession, etc. Simply looking at porn over the years does not mean it's done any of those things.

So you are saying some are not addicted, just perverted? That doesn't make me feel any better. In my book, perversion is worse than addiction.

Molestion does not mean predator. There have been many young men who got involved in porn and then it progressed to wanting something real.

Call it whatever you like, if they are a danger to children that is what matters, not the labels.

Edited by LiterateParakeet
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Guest LiterateParakeet

Thanks for your thoughts. Obviously there are a lot of emotions involved at the moment and I'm questioning a lot of things.

The bishop says that my husband is definitely dealing with an addiction and has recommended the addiction recovery programme for him. He is also going to arrange counselling for him.

I guess it's down to me now to decide what to do. It's going to take a lot of praying I think...

I am glad your husband is going to counseling. I will pray for you both.

Again sorry for what you are going through.

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  • 6 months later...

Hi, I found this post and was amazed how similar your situation is to my own. And how quickly I found it when I found out my husband cheated on me a few days ago. If anything that should be a testament to me of how God works...but I haven't been feeling very religious since i found out. Never the less, I thought I would add to this post in case you wanted to talk to someone in the same boat.

My story is about the same as yours except I had our baby a few months prior to finding out, and we have been dealing with the porn addiction for over a year now.

we haven't talked with anyone yet even the bishop b/c we are in a new ward, but he agreed to try counseling.

I'm kind of going nuts because I don't want to tell anyone about it and at the same time really want to talk about it.

I would really like to hear how things turned out/are going. thanks

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I wanted to add a caution here. If a person in this situation continues to have sex, at all, with their spouse they need to ALWAYS use a condom. It would be terrible to not and find out the spouse was lying all along and spread a disease like AIDS to you. You can not afford to trust them that far no matter how insulted they might be.

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So I'm rational in thinking all straight people are a danger to children as well? I mean straight men like females, so really all ages of females would apply? They already shown an attraction right?

When a loved one does something you didn't think they were capable of, the imagination runs wild. My friend kept debt secret from her husband and he asked her if she had a boyfriend too or a drug problem. When a spouse does something sexually repulsive, it is hard not to wonder what else they are capable of.

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When a loved one does something you didn't think they were capable of, the imagination runs wild. My friend kept debt secret from her husband and he asked her if she had a boyfriend too or a drug problem. When a spouse does something sexually repulsive, it is hard not to wonder what else they are capable of.

I fully agree that it's hard not to wonder, the only thing i do wonder is if we are aware that the fears aren't always rational. Fear can be a healthy thing and it these cases a way to protect one's self, however it can come to a point of being irrational and damaging to both parties. At some point we have to balance fear of the mights with calm rational thought.

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The vast majority of pedophiles are heterosexual males, even if their victims are boys. Anyway, no matter what, you should get tested for every STD out there, since heterosexual couples also do anal sex.

In my situation, I was fortunate that all of my STD tests came back negative, since I think my ex-husband did cheat on me, with a woman.

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