Help me out


pooter1
 Share

Recommended Posts

My son has a college ex-girlfriend coming to see us for a few days.We live in a very small house.He and I are in a fight because I won't let her stay in his room while she is here. I told him I could get in trouble with the church if I allowed it.He said "Show me where it is written" I don't know where it is writtten.Does anyone know where it is written? My son is inactive and he 22 years old and does not understand.Anyone know where this is written?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think you would get "in trouble" with the church for sins committed by your "adult" son.

If it's your house, it's your rules. Not much more complicated than that.

"Sorry son, you know I'm LDS, and I will not allow an unmarried couple to stay in my house. You're welcome to stay here if you like. If you both come, I'm happy to have everyone over for dinner and whatnot. But no, the two of you will not be sharing a room in my house."

And that's the end of it. You don't need to explain yourself.

Dependent children sure have a lot of ways of creating the image that they have more power than they actually have, don't they!

Edited by Loudmouth_Mormon
Link to comment
Share on other sites

We live in a very small house.

Who's house is it? If it is yours you get to make the rules*. If it's his than he gets to make the rules, if you're splitting the rent/mortgage/ownership than you're kinda on equal grounds for making rules.

* This seems the more likely scenario considering his age.

I told him I could get in trouble with the church if I allowed it.He said "Show me where it is written" I don't know where it is writtten.Does anyone know where it is written?

You aren't going to get in trouble for your son's behavior unless you are encouraging it and such very much isn't the case from the sound of things.

Edited by Dravin
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You aren't going to get in trouble for your son's behavior unless you are encouraging it and such very much isn't the case from the sound of things.

And "trouble" from the church doesn't have any meaning. It isn't like the bishop is going to put you in time out or something.

The church very much relies on teaching correct principles and then allowing the members to rule themselves.

I'm just not sure what "trouble" you would get from the church since it isn't you that would be possibly disobeying the Law of Chastity.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok, so maybe it's asking for a little more trouble but what I would do is print out a paper titled "HOUSE RULES". Then I'd say I didn't even bother looking for anything from the church because house rules come first and here they are in print.

Now for the personal story. I was 20 years old and living with my boyfriend. We were going to visit my family. I thought it was silly that I was going to stay in my sisters room and he was going to stay in the living room. Why couldn't we just both stay in the living room, we were living together for goodness sakes! Well, my parents stuck to their rules, saying it was their house, their rules and that was how it was going to be. I grumbled but obliged. Fast forward about 2 years, I'm married, just had a baby and want to get back into church. My parents example of sticking to what they believed to be appropriate gave me a good basis for my goals of what I should have in my life. Also, I was able to turn to them for encouragement, it meant a lot to me knowing they were happy for me to be changing my life for the better. They were my example when I needed one because it was hard to choose the right.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And "trouble" from the church doesn't have any meaning.

There are disciplinary measures, official or unofficial, within this church that I think a large number of people have in mind when they think of being in trouble with the Church, they just aren't applicable to this situation because she wouldn't be doing anything wrong let alone anything to be disciplined about.

I will confess that when I was thinking about encouraging behavior I was thinking about how encouraging abortions could get one in trouble (using the above sense) and short of an outlandish scenario church discipline (spiritual consequences are always applicable though) for encouraging sinful behavior probably isn't even hypothetically applicable here. I was mostly mentioning encouraging the behavior to contrast how we get in "trouble" for what we do, not what others do.

Edited by Dravin
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Angel, I would encourage you not to make the Church the "bad guy" every time you take a moral stand. At some point, you need to find it within yourself to say "I love you, but what you are doing violates my own personal moral code and I will neither condone it nor enable it". Blaming the Church just reinforces the notion of Mormons as a bunch of sheeple mindlessly doing whatever our leadership tells us to; and it gives your son a perception of you that I doubt will reinforce your relationship.

However, since you're pretty much already committed in this case (having told your son that the Church does prohibit it), the following may be of help (though it was given in the context of same-gender relationships, I think it might apply to your son as well) (source here).

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: At what point does showing that love cross the line into inadvertently endorsing behavior? If the son says, ‘Well, if you love me, can I bring my partner to our home to visit? Can we come for holidays?’ How do you balance that against, for example, concern for other children in the home?’

ELDER OAKS: That’s a decision that needs to be made individually by the person responsible, calling upon the Lord for inspiration. I can imagine that in most circumstances the parents would say, ‘Please don’t do that. Don’t put us into that position.’ Surely if there are children in the home who would be influenced by this example, the answer would likely be that. There would also be other factors that would make that the likely answer.

I can also imagine some circumstances in which it might be possible to say, ‘Yes, come, but don’t expect to stay overnight. Don’t expect to be a lengthy house guest. Don’t expect us to take you out and introduce you to our friends, or to deal with you in a public situation that would imply our approval of your “partnership.”

There are so many different circumstances, it’s impossible to give one answer that fits all.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Angel, I would encourage you not to make the Church the "bad guy" every time you take a moral stand. At some point, you need to find it within yourself to say "I love you, but what you are doing violates my own personal moral code and I will neither condone it nor enable it". Blaming the Church just reinforces the notion of Mormons as a bunch of sheeple mindlessly doing whatever our leadership tells us to; and it gives your son a perception of you that I doubt will reinforce your relationship.

That's a great point JAG.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As others have said, you are the parent and it is your house (unless he's sharing rent payments, then this is a little more complicated). It doesn't matter how old he is. If he wants to stay at your house, he needs to follow your rules. If he doesn't like your rules, he can get a hotel.

You probably brought up getting in trouble with the church because you didn't want to be the "bad guy". It makes it sound like you are saying you would let him do it, BUT as a member of the church you don't want to get in trouble for breaking the rules. That makes your position weak, and it paints the church in a bad light. You need to be the strong one and take a stand for what YOU believe, not what the church says you should believe. If you believe it is wrong for him to share a room with his girlfriend, then it is not allowed while under your roof. It doesn't need to be any more complicated than that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My son has a college ex-girlfriend coming to see us for a few days.We live in a very small house.He and I are in a fight because I won't let her stay in his room while she is here. I told him I could get in trouble with the church if I allowed it.He said "Show me where it is written" I don't know where it is writtten.Does anyone know where it is written? My son is inactive and he 22 years old and does not understand.Anyone know where this is written?

Don't allow him to emotionally blackmail you.

"Son, you know my standards. When you're in my house then you will live by my standards. If you choose to not associate with us because you disagree with my standards I will be heartbroken, but I will never stop loving you or praying for you. Now... No, you girlfriend will not be staying in your room."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As others have said, you are the parent and it is your house (unless he's sharing rent payments, then this is a little more complicated). It doesn't matter how old he is. If he wants to stay at your house, he needs to follow your rules. If he doesn't like your rules, he can get a hotel.

You probably brought up getting in trouble with the church because you didn't want to be the "bad guy". It makes it sound like you are saying you would let him do it, BUT as a member of the church you don't want to get in trouble for breaking the rules. That makes your position weak, and it paints the church in a bad light. You need to be the strong one and take a stand for what YOU believe, not what the church says you should believe. If you believe it is wrong for him to share a room with his girlfriend, then it is not allowed while under your roof. It doesn't need to be any more complicated than that.

Even if he's paying rent there should be a level of respect for parental moral standards.

My son paid rent. $100 for his room. The verbal rental agreement, as stated by me, was: No girls in your room.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All of these comments are great!! You have given me the courage to take a stand.Its My house,My rules

its gonna be war but Im gonna have stick to my standards. Thank you all.

It doesn't have to be a war. Just state the rules and don't argue. No yelling. No anger. Just the facts.

If he yells and screams, well... that's another rule. "No yelling when discussing anything in my house."

Always say I love you and if you have to walk away from an young adult child who is yelling that's ok. We all have consequences for bad behavior.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My son has a college ex-girlfriend coming to see us for a few days.We live in a very small house.He and I are in a fight because I won't let her stay in his room while she is here. I told him I could get in trouble with the church if I allowed it.He said "Show me where it is written" I don't know where it is writtten.Does anyone know where it is written? My son is inactive and he 22 years old and does not understand.Anyone know where this is written?

Dont blame it on the church. The church isnt a justice system. You are responsible for you, the church isnt going to discipline you. Start with that. Its not CHURCH rules. Its YOUR rules.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dont blame it on the church. The church isnt a justice system. You are responsible for you, the church isnt going to discipline you. Start with that. Its not CHURCH rules. Its YOUR rules.

I don't see where she's blaming the church. She's asking questions. No harm in that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have children that are not married, have young children and come to visit. This was also hard for me. Our kids, every one of them, married or not, KNOW without a doubt that we do not condone living together before marriage. They also know they are family and we love each other very much and we are all close. We do allow our children/partner to be together when visiting us. We let them know we love them just where they are at. This may not work for everyone, but it works for us. When together as a family.....this issue is NOT discussed......we are together to love each other and if there's a need for private talks, that can wait for another time. We do hope that our family love will soften hearts and change minds; and pray for that end. Meanwhile, we love one another and accept one another no matter personal choices.

Edited by shine7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why are you using the church as a scape goat when this sounds like it is YOUR rule? I had plenty of friends in my early twenties who were not allowed boyfriends/ opposite sex to sleep in their room, and they were not members. Religious or not a house rule is a house rule. You pay the bills for the roof over his head so he needs to listen and respect you and your house! Tell him if he wants to sleep in the same room they can pay $200 at a hotel to sleep in the same room with her.. okay, maybe don't go that far.. haha

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A few points with which I agree:

The Church really couldn't care too much about your house rules unless they're breaking your covenants.

If it's your house, you get to make the rules.

And a couple of more things:

It makes you sound weak to say it's the Church when it's not. Your son might be interpreting this as you're okay with his friend staying in his room but you're too afraid of the Church.

If your son has no intention of obeying your rules, he and his friend, being adults, are able to take their own money and stay in a motel while she's in town.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hmm.

Some posters are being a bit harsh to Angel

Telling her don't blame the church, or don't use the church for arguments with your son wont help her.

Sister, i'd advice just to tell him that out of respect for you, love for you, you would prefer if she not stay with you.

I'd say pray for him. Pray that he may be able to have a good spirit. Remind him as it says in 3 Nephi that the spirit of contention is of the devil.

Pray that the lord might inspire you in which way to deal with your son, and why not take the oportunity to pray that the lord might bless you to help him, and to bless him with the desire to become active agian.

I think the most effective way you can say where it is written is. The 10 commandments "Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.

Also Read Ephesians chapter 6: 1-4

I pray that the lord might guide you in your struggle and your tribulations with your son. I hope that one day you'll be able to see him active again. It is never too late.

Also look at D&C 119-121

Good Luck and have patience sister. :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wasn't blaming the church.I thought I would be in trouble with my recomend somehow but maybe Im wrong.I thought it was against our beliefs to let unmarried men and women sleep in the same room and if I condone it then Im saying its all right which I thought it wasn't all right.Oh well. To tell you the truth there are some people on here that make me very nervous.This is why I absolutley HATE HATE to give talks.I know I will say something wrong and I will look stupid because I know Im not as smart in the gospel as others.This proves my point.Some people take what I say wrong and I would hate to do that with a talk. I wish I understood better but I don't but I am trying.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wasn't blaming the church.I thought I would be in trouble with my recomend somehow but maybe Im wrong.I thought it was against our beliefs to let unmarried men and women sleep in the same room and if I condone it then Im saying its all right which I thought it wasn't all right.Oh well. To tell you the truth there are some people on here that make me very nervous.This is why I absolutley HATE HATE to give talks.I know I will say something wrong and I will look stupid because I know Im not as smart in the gospel as others.This proves my point.Some people take what I say wrong and I would hate to do that with a talk. I wish I understood better but I don't but I am trying.

It's a public forum. The best thing to do is ask the question then flesh out what's constructive. Everything else, leave it behind. Nothing to get nervous about. You have a legitimate question. It's sad there are those who made you the instigator.

In short, it seems the general consensus is that your temple recommend would not be in jeopardy. And the general advice is that it's your home. It's not out of place for you to have rules that anyone who steps foot in your home need to follow. I doubt you let anyone smoke in your home. Why is this any different? If they don't like it, they can get a hotel room. The support is on your side.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

angel, you have the Holy Ghost to help you make your decision, this is what He does for us:

ps.....you are an intelligent being, in the image of God........

“An intelligent being, in the image of God, possesses, every organ, attribute, sense, sympathy, affection, of will, wisdom, love, power and gift, which is possessed by God Himself. But these are possessed by man, in his rudimental state, in a subordinate sense of the word. Or, in other words, these attributes are in embryo, and are to be gradually developed. They resemble a bud, a germ, which gradually develops into bloom, and then, by progress, produces the mature fruit after its own kind. The gift of the Holy Spirit adapts itself to all these organs or attributes. It quickens all the intellectual faculties, increases, enlarges, expands and purifies all the natural passions and affections, and adapts them, by the gift of wisdom, to their lawful use. It inspires, develops, cultivates and matures all the fine toned sympathies, joys, tastes, kindred feelings and affections of our nature. It inspires virtue, kindness, goodness, tenderness, gentleness and charity. It develops beauty of person, form and features. It tends to health, vigor, animation and social feeling. It develops and invigorates all the faculties of the physical and intellectual man. It strengthens, invigorates and gives tone to the nerves. In short, it is, as it were, marrow to the bone, joy to the heart, light to the eyes, music to the ears, and life to the whole being. In the presence of such persons one feels to enjoy the light of their countenances, as the genial rays of a sunbeam. Their very atmosphere diffuse and thrill, a warm glow of pure gladness and sympathy, to the heart and nerves of others who have kindred feelings, or sympathy of spirit…” (Parley P. Pratt, p. 101-102 “Key to the Science of Theology”)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Im wrong.I thought it was against our beliefs to let unmarried men and women sleep in the same room and if I condone it then Im saying its all right which I thought it wasn't all right.

People have been responding to the scenario given which is that of you not condoning the behavior, and if you don't condone the behavior you can't possibly be in 'danger' of Church discipline. I imagine most were assuming your non-condoning of the behavior didn't hinge upon the possibility of Church discipline and thus pointing out you aren't in danger of Church discipline was not meant to imply that you should condone the behavior. Also there are many things we are supposed to do, and things we are not supposed to do, the majority of them don't carry the possibility of Church discipline with them but that doesn't mean they aren't part of our beliefs or what is taught.

I think a source of possible confusion is the word allow in your OP can have various implications and in the tone you used it is akin to statements like, "I will not allow my son to become a musician!" or "I will not allow my son to smoke!" which carries with an implied "it cannot happen" rather than a more literal, "I will not give my permission for it." So it reads more like, "Look if you do this against my wishes I'll face church discipline! You don't want that!" rather than, how you may have meant it, "My moral standards disallow condoning/giving permission for your behavior."

Edited by Dravin
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share