My husband's online relationship

[kimzirker]

Can someone please tell me what I should do now that I've discovered my husband's online relationship? I'm so devastated. I talked with him today and I believe he will go see the bishop with me (don't count him there until he's there). He doesn't know that I've read the conversations or seen any pictures. He just knows that I know he was on a singles facebook and that he was involved inappropriately with a girl and that he broke our marriage covenants by sharing a part of his heart with someone else. Where do I go from here? Is there any hope of ever saving this marriage of 17 years and 5 children? Does anyone have any advice to help?

[Guest tbaird22]

Go to da bishop :)

[shine7]

kimzirker,

This must be a huge shock for you, having invested years and life and body/soul into the marriage. YES, both of you go to the bishop immediately.....but if husband refuses; go yourself. Of course, there are most likely underlying reasons your husband chose to do something so disloyal.....but you don't know what yet. The challenge is that you are hurt and he may have underlying reasons that would cause him to do this. Be careful to not throw out a bunch of accusations right now. This situation most likely needs the help of a counselor for both of you to face it and to get through it together.

Edited July 27, 2011 by shine7

[twinmama]

kimzerker,

My heart reaches out to you. First I would like to say that I know the pain, disappointment and deep sense of betrayal that you must be feeling, firsthand. What you are feeling is very real. You need to know... more than anything else right now... that you are very much loved by your Father in Heaven. You are one of his chosen and beloved daughters and he has not forgotten you. Please go to the bishop. Allow him to give you words of guidance and comfort.

Encourage your husband to visit with the bishop. Then go together... to visit with the bishop, to marriage counseling, weekly date. Despite how upset you may be, make every attempt to do this with in a manner which is consistent with the gospel...remember that the gospel is meant to build us up, to bring us to repentance, to draw us closer to our Father in Heaven. You can save your marriage. It will take time and work, but it will require an honest effort on both your and your husband's part.

[kimzirker]

I really do appreciate the replies. I am so shocked. He sent this girl flowers, had explicit texting conversations, told her he loved her, and started making plans to meet her. Last weekend he went to the city where she lives and visited her dance studio where she teaches. I approached it very well. And I think he responded well to that. But last night he was just angry and said he was done talking about it and it was time to move on. It hurt even more that he didn't even pretend like he felt bad. He SAID he felt bad, but he acted so arrogant and haughty. I just wanted to go postal. I want to just scream and yell and thrash around like a crazy lady!!!! I want to log onto that app and send her a picture of his family. (he pretended to be 28 instead of 40 and shes 22) We are seeing the bishop on Sunday though. I am hopeful that will help. I keep telling myself that he's not processing it and doesn't realize the magnitude of what he's done. But that really doesn't heal my heart. It makes ms feel alone and unloved. How do I continue to share a bed with him and not burst into tears every single second of the day? how do I keep the kids from knowing anything? I told them yesterday that I got some bad news about a loved one and that's why I was crying all day. Again-thanks for the support. I really don't have anyone to talk to about this.

[Guest]

Do everything you can to make copies of any evidence you've found and put it away in a safe place, away from your house. Start saving some money. Protect yourself and your interests, but quietly. Best case scenario, you'll have a little nest egg. Worst-case, if he leaves you high and dry you won't be totally broke and you'll have evidence to take to court.

[girlygirl]

I agree with Eowyn, make sure you copy all of the facebook evidence down that you can, print it, and keep it somewhere! I have heard that facebook is extremely effective evidence in court... Not to say that it will boil down to that, but if he starts denying things- make sure you have the evidence!!!

[kimzirker]

Yes. Thanks for that advice. I actually already did that already. I feel ashamed for sneaking onto his phone to do that though, but I took pictures of everything and I am keeping it in a safe place. Even that just makes me feel dirty. Like a liar. Like I betrayed his trust. My state is a no fault divorce state anyway, so I'm not sure why I even thought to do it. Just didn't want him to be able to lie and get away with it.

[Gwen]

It may be a no fault divorce but it may come into play when deciding custody or alimony. It does not make you a liar or betraying his trust to protect yourself. You should not have to protect yourself from your husband. Talk to a lawyer.

His behavior, going on your discription, is more than just "We've been unhappy and this lady at work ... and... and.... it just happened.... I got carried away". There is never an excuse but that I could see myself being more forgiving of that.

What he did was planned, premeditated and continued by concious action. That's not something that just happens and thus in my mind is likely to be repeated. He had to set up the account, maintain it, keep it secret, lie to the women he was targeting. I'm sorry but I would say he knows exactly what he's done.

And I'm going to stop now because I'm not exactly giving supportive advise.

[Just_A_Guy]

Start saving some money. Protect yourself and your interests, but quietly. Best case scenario, you'll have a little nest egg. Worst-case, if he leaves you high and dry you won't be totally broke and you'll have evidence to take to court.

Depending on your state, this may be legally problematic even if it is financially sound. I'd recommend you get a lawyer in your state to green-light this, if that's what you're thinking of doing.

[kimzirker]

Thank you for that information on the money. I'm not concerned about being left high and dry. If I stored away anything it would be some pocket cash. I am thinking that is completely unnecessary though-so not part of my plan. I'm not really looking for an exit strategy. I'm looking for healing. Both for me and my husband. I think it's possible, but I'm a pollyanna. Each day, though, I am becoming painfully aware that he doesn't even feel sorry. He had the audacity to be mad at ME and treat me poorly last night!?!? I'm just holding on until the meeting with the bishop on Sunday. It's really taking all I can muster up to not scream and go crazy. I'm being civil. Understanding. Helpful. But my heart is so broken. Each day I find that my understanding heart is getting more and more angry. 'Wait for Sunday. Wait for Sunday' is my constant mental chant.

[shine7]

praying for you

[seeking_peace]

I’m so sorry that you are dealing with your husband’s infidelity. An emotional affair is at least as devastating as a physical affair

I dealt with the same basic thing three years ago. Although my husband did exhibit remorse, he still sometimes got angry with me. I think that it was a defense mechanism-- a way to fool himself into thinking that it was not all his fault and that he was not a “bad person.”

I suggest that you look into therapy for both of you. If he won’t go, go by yourself. You need someone to talk to and express your feelings to. You are grieving the death of your ideal life.

My marriage ultimately failed, but we were able to work things out for a while. I discovered the emails the end of August, by November I was well on my way to recovery, was able to laugh and listen to love songs again. I thought that we were going to survive.

Until on New Year’s Day when I discovered that he was back in contact with her. At that point, I honestly quit trying. I told him that once he decided that he wanted to be my husband, I would start being a wife again. That went on for about a month. Then he decided to leave me. A week later, our bishop pulled him in and basically told him to man up and do the right thing (her husband had talked to their bishop, and he called ours). He tried for a few weeks, but by April he was, once again, lamenting his loss. He found an online forum and posted how torn he was and how he couldn’t choose which woman he wanted to spend his life with. I eventually told him that, “Sometimes not choosing is a choice.” And gave him a date by which he had to commit to me or move out.

I joined a support group on this site and it was my lifeline (in fact, that’s how I found this site. I googled “LDS infidelity support”). It was nice to have other people to bounce feelings off of. People that were going through the same things and trying to save their marriages. The creator of the group that I joined is no longer active on this site, and there wasn’t a lot of activity after a while. So one of the other women started a new group. I don’t know how active it is, but it might be nice for you to check it out and maybe get some support.

[kimzirker]

I guess I have to give it more time than just a couple of days then?? Haha. My gut tells me he's probably still involved with her right now and that's why he's acting the way he is. Well, if that's the case then that's it. Can't have both. And his relationship with her isn't even real. I can't force someone to be with me or be the kind of person that I deserve. It's so hard and scary just thinking I might be on my own with my kids. I've been a SAHM all these years, but was premed when we met. I have been going to school lately and I'm only a couple classes away from applying for nursing school in the spring. Thank you everyone for the encouraging words and prayers. One day at a time, right?

[salifeline]

Your husband needs help for his Sexual Addiction. I am sure you have just touched the tip of the ice berg, of his online habits. He, and you need some real help with your struggles now. Not just marriage counseling, but help from a qualified, trained addiction specialists. You are in pain, he has been caught, and things are tough right now.

[garryw]

It may be a no fault divorce but it may come into play when deciding custody or alimony.

All 50 states are no-fault. I tried to use my ex's extramarital activities in court to get more custody because she exposed the children to them (she didn't try to hide anything). Didn't help with me custody, or prevent her from raking in alimony.

no fault means no fault apparently.

hope for the best but expect (and prepare for!) the worst.

[Outshined]

By all means make an attempt at therapy; sometimes things like this are a sign of an emotional problem that is manifesting itself through immature behavior.

I have unfortunately known a few guys who went to Iraq with me and had marital problems when they came back; they thought they wanted a different partner, but the issue was actually one they had with themselves. The mind is a funny thing sometimes.

Before burning the bridges, make sure the relationship is beyond hope.

[Guest StuardMart]

The only reason is to discuss with your husband that both of you try to save the relation ship.If you have some demerits in your self and also some behavior problems then you also have to correct your self.Be patient and talk to him with love.Now a days you should not refuse him in any matter. Your pure love can save your relationship lady.

Information on franchises

Edited August 6, 2011 by StuardMart