Husband's brother in prison for child porn

[Guest sunflower2011]

I'm having a very difficult time dealing with this. My husband had a porn addiction, which I did not know about until I was pregnant with my first child. It went on for about 10 years off and on while we were married. I gave him an ultimatum and said he gets counseling or I'm done. He finally got counseling and seems to have been clean, but he still has warped points of view. His brother was just put in prison and his parents don't think he should be there. They think what he did wasn't really that bad. His parents have said some very hateful things to me.

My husband sides with his parents on many major issues, this one included. He basically tells me he will support his parents over me. He tells me I should do whatever it takes to keep the peace and to have a fun time with his parents.

I don't enjoy being around his parents. Lately, I have this feeling in my gut that his dad is a child molester and I would never ever accuse anyone of that without having evidence, but I've seen strange things. My husband yells at me and tells me I'm crazy. He doesn't trust my gut feeling at all.

I am just at my wits end here. I cannot stand my husband anymore. I am not attracted to him. All of this stuff has just made my life miserable when I'm around him or with his family. I don't know what to do. My husband has mostly overcome his addiction to pornography, but he says if her were to be put in a situation where he was tempted, he might still view it. He doesn't fully trust himself, which of course makes me not trust him. I just feel like there is no end to this.

At what point do I say I am finished? I day never goes by that I don't think about my husband's addiction or about his brother or his parents. I can't live like this. I am just at a loss here. I do not get a long with my husband at all. We are always fighting. It's not good for our kids. I'm just feeling so alone in this and do not know where to turn.

[AGStacker]

Why do the parents think the brother shouldn't be in prison?!

[Guest sunflower2011]

They believe that the brother hasn't hurt anyone by simply viewing child porn. My husband's dad told me he hasn't hurt anyone. His dad said that what he has done isn't that bad.

I believe what he has done is horrific....those are real kids and who knows what else he has done or what it may lead to.

[Guest sunflower2011]

They believe that the brother hasn't hurt anyone by simply viewing child porn. My husband's dad told me he hasn't hurt anyone. His dad said that what he has done isn't that bad.

I believe what he has done is horrific....those are real kids and who knows what else he has done or what it may lead to.

.......and among other strange things that have happened with husbands dad, this quote from husbands dad has to make me wonder about him.

[AGStacker]

They believe that the brother hasn't hurt anyone by simply viewing child porn. My husband's dad told me he hasn't hurt anyone. His dad said that what he has done isn't that bad.

I believe what he has done is horrific....those are real kids and who knows what else he has done or what it may lead to.

While I DEFINITELY agree that someone viewing child pornography is DISGUSTING and ABSURD it is not the same as someone who molests children. But of course if someone is viewing child pornography they'd eventually want to or try to do that.

So has the brother committed a horrible sin? I would say yes. Has he actually hurt anyone besides loved ones and himself? No. He hasn't harmed a child that you know of. Is he SEVERELY deceived about pure love and charity? DEFINITELY!

He needs Christ's atoning sacrifice now more than ever.

1 Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come!

2 It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.

Children; so pure and so happy. Makes me want to cry.

Edited July 29, 2011 by AGStacker

[Guest]

Do you have children? If you feel in your gut that anyone is not safe for them to be around, you absolutely listen to that, no matter what anyone else says. This is experience speaking. Things in my husband's family are very fractured because of our choice to protect our children, but I don't care! My kids are safe. Period. However, my husband stands with me. It's hard to imagine how I'd feel if he didn't, but I do know that the safety of children in my charge would be paramount.

[beefche]

While I DEFINITELY agree that someone viewing child pornography is DISGUSTING and ABSURD it is not the same as someone who molests children. But of course if someone is viewing child pornography they'd eventually want to or try to do that.

So has the brother committed a horrible sin? I would say yes. Has he actually hurt anyone besides loved ones and himself? No. He hasn't harmed a child that you know of. Is he SEVERELY deceived about pure love and charity? DEFINITELY!

He needs Christ's atoning sacrifice now more than ever.

1 Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they come!

2 It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.

Children; so pure and so happy. Makes me want to cry.

Not to be a nitpicker in a supportive thread, but when anyone views porn (child or otherwise), they ARE hurting someone. The person in the pic/video. Because no matter how one obtains the porn--either by purchasing it or getting it "free"--it is creating a demand for it. The greater the demand, the more supply is required. Thus, a child in that pic or a future child in a pic is damaged by the supply/demand for porn.

[prisonchaplain]

There are a whole mixture of issues presented in the OP. Some involve a broader discussion of child pornography, the reality of the children abused to make it, etc. BUT, all of that is political, sociological, and perhaps current events. What concerns me more is the discussion of family relationships. So, only based upon what's written here, I see:

1. The husband accepted his need to fight the addiction. He is mostly clean, but like a recovering alcoholic, admits his weakness, and need for continuing accountability and support. This should not cause you to distrust him, but to support him as he seeks to remain pure, for you, and (I assume) for God.

2. His parents want to support their child. OF COURSE! This is not an academic or political debate about pornography. These are parents who want to see their child in the best light possible. So, they downplay the sin in order to feel less ashamed about what he has done. Objectively, they are wrong. However, you come across as mighty cold and unloving to argue the point with them. They are not lobbying for law changes, they are trying to love their son in a very difficult circumstance.

3. You told your husband you had a gut feeling his dad was a molester??? Youch! It seems like you are trying to drive a wedge here. Do you want your husband to choose sides? Must he love you or them? You two are to be one flesh, but he's still to honor his mother and father. In fact, so are you.

If you have a gut feeling, don't let him/them babysit your kids alone. But keep those suspicions to yourself, until you have something objective to go with them.

Your situation is hard, and you've surely endured a difficult set of circumstances. It might prove better to pull together, rather than to push apart.

[AGStacker]

Not to be a nitpicker in a supportive thread, but when anyone views porn (child or otherwise), they ARE hurting someone. The person in the pic/video. Because no matter how one obtains the porn--either by purchasing it or getting it "free"--it is creating a demand for it. The greater the demand, the more supply is required. Thus, a child in that pic or a future child in a pic is damaged by the supply/demand for porn.

My apologies. I agree with what you are saying. I did, however, say that it did hurt the viewer's family or loved ones. I did not say that it didn't hurt anyone.

[Guest sunflower2011]

Not to be a nitpicker in a supportive thread, but when anyone views porn (child or otherwise), they ARE hurting someone. The person in the pic/video. Because no matter how one obtains the porn--either by purchasing it or getting it "free"--it is creating a demand for it. The greater the demand, the more supply is required. Thus, a child in that pic or a future child in a pic is damaged by the supply/demand for porn.

That's what I was trying to get at. Thanks for saying it so well.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Sunflower, it seems like you are looking for advice about whether or not to stay with your husband...I am so sorry you are in such a painful, and confusing situation, but none of us can help you with that decision. Counsel with your Bishop, and more importantly with the Lord.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS about ANYONE you think might be a danger to your children...it doesn't matter if it is their grandfather, uncle or father. You are their mother, their first line of defense. Protecting them is your first responsibility!

[MbpLCSW]

Wow Senior Moderator (prisonchaplain) You could not be more off on this. In fact what you wrote is destructive and borderline offensive. This wife has been traumatized by her husbands pornography addiction. Trust can be regained when he has earned it. When he is taking his parents side over his wife's, and continuing to act out (even if it's less) he is not earning trust back.

This family sounds like a very enmeshed unhealthy family. Your response was playing right into the codependent behaviors of the family. You Minimized the problem, ("He is mostly clean"). Can I "mostly" be worthy to hold the preisthood. I understand that addiction is difficult to overcome, but a consequence of his acting out is lost trust. Can I "mostly" be faithful to my wife and then expect her to trust me cause "most" of the time I'm not looking at pornography?

If she has a gut feeling about her father in law then she should listen to her gut! Her safety and her childrens safety are the most important things. With a family that is clearly co-dependent and has sexual addiction issues (husband and brother) then her feelings are valid. Her claim of him being a molestor may or may not be true but her gut feelings are real and she should act on them.

"keep those suspicions to yourself, until you have something objective to go with them."

So she should raise the red flag only after the children are molested???

"You two are to be one flesh, but he's still to honor his mother and father. In fact, so are you." Sometimes honoring our father and mother is setting some firm healthy boundaries with them. Continuing to allow them to enable destructive behaviors is NOT honoring them.

My profession is working with these problems and it infuriates me when I read such destructive advice to someone who is clearly hurting.

[AGStacker]

I want to comment on honoring parents. Surely we should honor our parents. How do we this? By living obediently to the Lord's commandments and not our parents.

[MarginOfError]

I don't think misinterpreting what prisonchaplain is trying to say.

Wow Senior Moderator (prisonchaplain) You could not be more off on this. In fact what you wrote is destructive and borderline offensive. This wife has been traumatized by her husbands pornography addiction. Trust can be regained when he has earned it. When he is taking his parents side over his wife's, and continuing to act out (even if it's less) he is not earning trust back.

I'm going to say some really unpopular, but really important things here. First, I find it curious how in LDS culture, the only victim in pornography addiction seems to be the addict's spouse. The addict is at least an equal victim, and gets to carry guilt, shame, humiliation, and a loss of social status. The spouse gets sympathy. Part of this is because we have put such a social stigma on pornography, that the addicts live in fear of being found out, which only adds more stress to the addiction, which feeds the cravings, from whence a vicious cycle follows.

While I understand she has been traumatized by his addiction, she's not expressed any understanding of the fact that overcoming addiction is first and foremost about the addict. If he's willing to admit his slips and discuss them, he's in a far better path to recovery than if he feels he has to hide any use for fear of spousal wrath.

This family sounds like a very enmeshed unhealthy family. Your response was playing right into the codependent behaviors of the family. You Minimized the problem, ("He is mostly clean"). Can I "mostly" be worthy to hold the preisthood. I understand that addiction is difficult to overcome, but a consequence of his acting out is lost trust. Can I "mostly" be faithful to my wife and then expect her to trust me cause "most" of the time I'm not looking at pornography?

Yes, you can be "mostly" worthy to hold the priesthood. It's a state that the vast majority of us men are in. Should she trust him because "most" of the time he isn't looking at pornography? That's an irrelevant question. She should trust him if he's willing to admit his pornography use and seek help to overcome. Failing to give him trust because he isn't 100% successful exacerbates the problem. It doesn't heal it. Trust comes from honest communication and unconditional love--from both spouses.

If she has a gut feeling about her father in law then she should listen to her gut! Her safety and her childrens safety are the most important things. With a family that is clearly co-dependent and has sexual addiction issues (husband and brother) then her feelings are valid. Her claim of him being a molestor may or may not be true but her gut feelings are real and she should act on them.

"keep those suspicions to yourself, until you have something objective to go with them."

So she should raise the red flag only after the children are molested???

This is entirely off base. Of course she should trust her gut. But if she goes and makes accusations without any evidence, she could still ruin his life for nothing. The proper course of action is to not allow her kids to be in a situation where they can be harmed. Using the shaky connection "your sons are perverts so you must be a child molester" to openly disqualify him is slander unless evidence can be produced. Yes, protect your children. But protecting your children does not justify unfounded accusations.

"You two are to be one flesh, but he's still to honor his mother and father. In fact, so are you." Sometimes honoring our father and mother is setting some firm healthy boundaries with them. Continuing to allow them to enable destructive behaviors is NOT honoring them.

There's no evidence of destructive behavior on the part of the family. Just a whole lot of cognitive dissonance. I'm surprised that, as a professional, you don't recognize cognitive dissonance. The situation calls for empathy, not condemnation.

My profession is working with these problems and it infuriates me when I read such destructive advice to someone who is clearly hurting.

I won't deny that she's hurting. However, I think she carries a lot more responsibility for the status of her marriage (and likely other relationships) than she has willfully claimed. It's human nature to do so, but I'm not prepared to throw all of those around her under the bus based on her statements when they run a common thread of "everyone else is doing it wrong."

[applepansy]

Wow this whole thread is just plain sad.

1. Sunflower, trust your feelings. Its the Holy Ghost talking to you.

2. If you don't trust your inlaws there is probably a reason. You don't need to be verbal about it with them but stand your ground and just say No. Keeps your kids close when you're with your inlaws. Keeping the peace is not a good enough reason to not keep your children safe. At the first sign there were issues with my inlaws not honoring my wishes when they were tending my children, they didn't EVER tend again.

3. We are commanded to leave mom and dad and cleave unto our spouse. Your husband should be on your side.

4. Talk to your Bishop.

[applepansy]

There are a whole mixture of issues presented in the OP. Some involve a broader discussion of child pornography, the reality of the children abused to make it, etc. BUT, all of that is political, sociological, and perhaps current events. What concerns me more is the discussion of family relationships. So, only based upon what's written here, I see:

1. The husband accepted his need to fight the addiction. He is mostly clean, but like a recovering alcoholic, admits his weakness, and need for continuing accountability and support. This should not cause you to distrust him, but to support him as he seeks to remain pure, for you, and (I assume) for God.

2. His parents want to support their child. OF COURSE! This is not an academic or political debate about pornography. These are parents who want to see their child in the best light possible. So, they downplay the sin in order to feel less ashamed about what he has done. Objectively, they are wrong. However, you come across as mighty cold and unloving to argue the point with them. They are not lobbying for law changes, they are trying to love their son in a very difficult circumstance.

3. You told your husband you had a gut feeling his dad was a molester??? Youch! It seems like you are trying to drive a wedge here. Do you want your husband to choose sides? Must he love you or them? You two are to be one flesh, but he's still to honor his mother and father. In fact, so are you.

If you have a gut feeling, don't let him/them babysit your kids alone. But keep those suspicions to yourself, until you have something objective to go with them.

Your situation is hard, and you've surely endured a difficult set of circumstances. It might prove better to pull together, rather than to push apart.

Frankly PC I'm a bit shocked. The only way to help a child (no matter their age) is to be honest about what they have done and support them in the consequences of their action. Saying that their son shouldn't be in prison for viewing child pronography is just plain wrong. They aren't helping their son by justifying his crime. Good Grief!!! It didn't hurt anyone? It most certainly did and will continue to hurt innocent children.

The studies are pretty clear about the danger to children these men are. Viewing child porn is just one step down a very dark path.

I do agree that pulling together rather than pushing apart is the right thing to do but she already stated that her husband is taking his parents side. That concerns me. Does he think viewing child porn as a victimless crime too? And even if he doesn't he is not supporting his wife nor is he trying to earn her trust.

I have the same sympathy for the addict who is working to recover as I have for the spouse who is trying to cope and trust again. If this father is seeing child porn as victimless he's not earning his wife's trust.

[MarginOfError]

Frankly PC I'm a bit shocked. The only way to help a child (no matter their age) is to be honest about what they have done and support them in the consequences of their action. Saying that their son shouldn't be in prison for viewing child pronography is just plain wrong. They aren't helping their son by justifying his crime. Good Grief!!! It didn't hurt anyone? It most certainly did and will continue to hurt innocent children.

The studies are pretty clear about the danger to children these men are. Viewing child porn is just one step down a very dark path.

I do agree that pulling together rather than pushing apart is the right thing to do but she already stated that her husband is taking his parents side. That concerns me. Does he think viewing child porn as a victimless crime too? And even if he doesn't he is not supporting his wife nor is he trying to earn her trust.

I have the same sympathy for the addict who is working to recover as I have for the spouse who is trying to cope and trust again. If this father is seeing child porn as victimless he's not earning his wife's trust.

I don't think you're getting what was PC was either. As I say this, I wish to emphasize that I absolutely agree with what you've said about child pornography, it's victims, and how atrocious a crime it is. But when parents discover that their children are guilty of such a heinous act, often times they try to make justifications, not to lessen the guilt of the child, but to lessen their own sense of guilt and failure. It isn't unlike the stages of grief.

It is extremely hard to tell if their justifications are statements that they don't believe the crime is as serious as the rest of us do, or if it is an attempt to mitigate their own feelings and pain.

so, with a slight rephrasing, the parents need empathy, not ostracism.

[beefche]

Am I one of the 2 people that understands what PC is talking about?

In no way shape or form is PC condoning child pornography or the viewing of it. He is trying to explain how the parents could be feeling. He's trying to explain why they are standing behind their son. PC even goes so far to say that is wrong, but he is also saying it is understandable.

He is also saying that addicts are not 100% clean immediately--it takes time to be able to completely walk away. So, expecting a spouse to be perfect is completely irrational.

And I agree completely with MOE.

MOE and PC

[beefche]

Wow this whole thread is just plain sad.

1. Sunflower, trust your feelings. Its the Holy Ghost talking to you.

2. If you don't trust your inlaws there is probably a reason. You don't need to be verbal about it with them but stand your ground and just say No. Keeps your kids close when you're with your inlaws. Keeping the peace is not a good enough reason to not keep your children safe. At the first sign there were issues with my inlaws not honoring my wishes when they were tending my children, they didn't EVER tend again.

3. We are commanded to leave mom and dad and cleave unto our spouse. Your husband should be on your side.

4. Talk to your Bishop.

Why does she need to see her bishop?

[MarginOfError]

Why does she need to see her bishop?

Come now...what kind of mormons would we be if we didn't take all of our personal problems to the bishop?

[MbpLCSW]

Accountability is not condemnation. Believe it or not I actually agree with a little of what you said. First off, the husband is a victim of pornography and he is fighting against something that is very difficult. We should have empathy for him,... That doesn't mean she should condone any of his poor behaviors. That doesn't mean that a wife should turn a blind eye to his behaviors that effect her marriage, her emotional safety, her life. We should have an attitude of love, compassion, and accountability.

Trust comes from enduring humility, honesty, accountability and consistent actions. Not unconditional love. I agree that him being honest about relapses will ultimately build trust and yes he should feel comfortable enough to do that... and humbly accept the consequences of his actions.

You throw out some of my questions as irrelevent yet fail to explain why? I personally would rather have no evidence be produced when it comes to child abuse. So erroring on the side of caution is fine with me. Your suggestion

" The proper course of action is to not allow her kids to be in a situation where they can be harmed". This most likely will hurt feelings and send messages to the father in law. According to your logic, how dare she do that if she doesn't have objective evidence?

Your response reminds me of a common response when a child comes out and says they've been molested. Somehow, someway, the child becomes the bad object. How dare they stir the pot? why would they make up such lies? This is wrong. Yes, this woman has a part in this mess, I never said she didn't, however, she needs some space and boundaries in order to heal, not "you need to start trusting him and forgive" crammed down her throught.

As for your cognitive dissonance mumble jumble. You sure made quick assessment after reading a few posts on a blog.

I don't think misinterpreting what prisonchaplain is trying to say.

I'm going to say some really unpopular, but really important things here. First, I find it curious how in LDS culture, the only victim in pornography addiction seems to be the addict's spouse. The addict is at least an equal victim, and gets to carry guilt, shame, humiliation, and a loss of social status. The spouse gets sympathy. Part of this is because we have put such a social stigma on pornography, that the addicts live in fear of being found out, which only adds more stress to the addiction, which feeds the cravings, from whence a vicious cycle follows.

While I understand she has been traumatized by his addiction, she's not expressed any understanding of the fact that overcoming addiction is first and foremost about the addict. If he's willing to admit his slips and discuss them, he's in a far better path to recovery than if he feels he has to hide any use for fear of spousal wrath.

Yes, you can be "mostly" worthy to hold the priesthood. It's a state that the vast majority of us men are in. Should she trust him because "most" of the time he isn't looking at pornography? That's an irrelevant question. She should trust him if he's willing to admit his pornography use and seek help to overcome. Failing to give him trust because he isn't 100% successful exacerbates the problem. It doesn't heal it. Trust comes from honest communication and unconditional love--from both spouses.

This is entirely off base. Of course she should trust her gut. But if she goes and makes accusations without any evidence, she could still ruin his life for nothing. The proper course of action is to not allow her kids to be in a situation where they can be harmed. Using the shaky connection "your sons are perverts so you must be a child molester" to openly disqualify him is slander unless evidence can be produced. Yes, protect your children. But protecting your children does not justify unfounded accusations.

There's no evidence of destructive behavior on the part of the family. Just a whole lot of cognitive dissonance. I'm surprised that, as a professional, you don't recognize cognitive dissonance. The situation calls for empathy, not condemnation.

I won't deny that she's hurting. However, I think she carries a lot more responsibility for the status of her marriage (and likely other relationships) than she has willfully claimed. It's human nature to do so, but I'm not prepared to throw all of those around her under the bus based on her statements when they run a common thread of "everyone else is doing it wrong."

[beefche]

Accountability is not condemnation. Believe it or not I actually agree with a little of what you said. First off, the husband is a victim of pornography and he is fighting against something that is very difficult. We should have empathy for him,... That doesn't mean she should condone any of his poor behaviors. That doesn't mean that a wife should turn a blind eye to his behaviors that effect her marriage, her emotional safety, her life. We should have an attitude of love, compassion, and accountability.

Trust comes from enduring humility, honesty, accountability and consistent actions. Not unconditional love. I agree that him being honest about relapses will ultimately build trust and yes he should feel comfortable enough to do that... and humbly accept the consequences of his actions.

You throw out some of my questions as irrelevent yet fail to explain why? I personally would rather have no evidence be produced when it comes to child abuse. So erroring on the side of caution is fine with me. Your suggestion

" The proper course of action is to not allow her kids to be in a situation where they can be harmed". This most likely will hurt feelings and send messages to the father in law. According to your logic, how dare she do that if she doesn't have objective evidence?

Your response reminds me of a common response when a child comes out and says they've been molested. Somehow, someway, the child becomes the bad object. How dare they stir the pot? why would they make up such lies? This is wrong. Yes, this woman has a part in this mess, I never said she didn't, however, she needs some space and boundaries in order to heal, not "you need to start trusting him and forgive" crammed down her throught.

As for your cognitive dissonance mumble jumble. You sure made quick assessment after reading a few posts on a blog.

Perhaps you missed this part of MOE's response:

This is entirely off base. Of course she should trust her gut. But if she goes and makes accusations without any evidence, she could still ruin his life for nothing. The proper course of action is to not allow her kids to be in a situation where they can be harmed. Using the shaky connection "your sons are perverts so you must be a child molester" to openly disqualify him is slander unless evidence can be produced. Yes, protect your children. But protecting your children does not justify unfounded accusations.

I'm not sure where you got "you need to start trusting him and forgive" thought from MOE, but he said keep the kids away from him, but don't accuse without evidence.

[iinarihoudai]

Okay, I am going to post something here that is very difficult.

My mother did not protect me. Her failure to do so has hurt me more than she can ever know. She had many reasons:

Dad came from a bad family he just needs understanding,

It's been a long time since anything happened (but inevitably something would happen again),

Some days he can hardly believe he's the one sexually hurting us so it's not really him that's doing it (I agree that he was at times possessed, however, it was his choices that allowed it to occur in the first place),

Since it's not happening all the time it's not really abuse,

The police would take us away from her,

We need to keep the family together,

Note how compassion, charity, and a desire for family togetherness kept me and my siblings in a damaging situation. These are righteous desires and traits that became twisted and led to many years of cognitive dissonance and pain. I've gone through counseling, I'm happy with my life and I have my own family now. But sometimes, something will come out of the woodwork and I find myself feeling a victim all over again.

You do not want to risk this with your children.

Women's intuition is a very real thing. Trust it. Do not allow your children to be cared for by your husband's parents. And yes, I mean both because it's easy for Grandma to say, oh I gotta run to the store for a minute I'll be right back, and leave your children alone with Grandpa.

Presentation of concerns matter. You do not want to falsely accuse anyone. However, what is proof? Catching the perpetrator in the act? The word of a child?

So often, a child's word is discounted, not trusted or believed.

Stranger danger is largely a false idea. It's easier to abuse someone if you are in a trusted position in the family (blood related or not) because the child is either afraid to say anything or is not believed.

Also, sexual abuse does not always physically hurt. It can actually feel quite nice. . . which compounds the psychological trauma, the shame.

We have all said, darn it, I wish I had listened to myself! I had a gut feeling but I didn't pay attention and now this happens! Well, be the mother you want to be, the mother your children need you to be, and listen.

[prisonchaplain]

Wow Senior Moderator (prisonchaplain) You could not be more off on this. In fact what you wrote is destructive and borderline offensive. This wife has been traumatized by her husbands pornography addiction. Trust can be regained when he has earned it. When he is taking his parents side over his wife's, and continuing to act out (even if it's less) he is not earning trust back.

Once again, this thing of "taking sides." Why must their be sides? Husbands and wives are to love each other. Parents and children likewise. Must he hate his mother and father to win his wife's trust? Keep in mind, my counsel was not to entrust their children with the father (whom she does not trust, due to gut feeling). Rather it was to not voice those concerns directly, without evidence. I agree that if she's feeling that way, she should not leave the children alone with him. I did say this.

Additionally, I suggested she help her husband with accountability, not give him a blank check of trust. What concerned me was that when he admitted he was still struggling (a sign of honesty and openness), she turned that into a reason to distrust--a weapon.

This family sounds like a very enmeshed unhealthy family. Your response was playing right into the codependent behaviors of the family. You Minimized the problem, ("He is mostly clean"). Can I "mostly" be worthy to hold the preisthood. I understand that addiction is difficult to overcome, but a consequence of his acting out is lost trust. Can I "mostly" be faithful to my wife and then expect her to trust me cause "most" of the time I'm not looking at pornography?

Again, you confuse my counsel to be a support and an accountability partner, rather than turning his honesty and openness into weapons to use against him, as license for sin. I simply suggest the wife help him in his pursuit of recovery, rather than building up a case against him.

If she has a gut feeling about her father in law then she should listen to her gut! Her safety and her childrens safety are the most important things. With a family that is clearly co-dependent and has sexual addiction issues (husband and brother) then her feelings are valid. Her claim of him being a molestor may or may not be true but her gut feelings are real and she should act on them.

Again, I did say she should not leave her children alone with the father. But, to say to her husband, "I feel your dad is a molestor," with nothing to back it up, puts him in a no-win situation. She can protect her child, without airing groundless accusations that wedge her husband from his parents.

"keep those suspicions to yourself, until you have something objective to go with them."

So she should raise the red flag only after the children are molested???

I said to not let the children be alone with him, but publicly accuse someone who has committed no known act is okay???

"You two are to be one flesh, but he's still to honor his mother and father. In fact, so are you." Sometimes honoring our father and mother is setting some firm healthy boundaries with them. Continuing to allow them to enable destructive behaviors is NOT honoring them.

I totally agree.

My profession is working with these problems and it infuriates me when I read such destructive advice to someone who is clearly hurting.

I seriously doubt that your profession encourages people to voice groundless accusations about child molestation, based only upon gut feeling. I further doubt that it would encourage a spouse to simply leave her husband, when he seems to be open, honest, and seeking recovery. Finally, as I've repeated about five times, I certainly agree that the OP should protect her children by not leaving them alone with a man she suspects of being a molestor.

For the record, we do not leave our daughters alone with any man, regardless of the relation, or gut feeling.

[lchri134]

I get a sense from what you have been saying that your real question is your relationship with your husband and if you should continue working things out with him. This is such a personal and difficult decision and one that needs to be taken to your Heavenly Father. It sounds like you don't have such a good relationship with your husband right now, whether that stems from his long addiction, trust issues, his family, or that you just can't stand him. I think that asking your Heavenly Father, and yourself if it is worth it is a good start. God doesn't want you to be unhappy, and he would help you either way, if it is better for you both to separate, or to work it out.