How far would you go?

[ctr123]

How far would you go to save your marriage? Would you stop going to church? Would you cut all ties to the people you have gone to church with for years? Would you even give up LDS.net?

I know how important keeping a family together is but would Heavenly Father want someone to give up so much inorder to stay married?

Just looking for different things to think about on this subject. Thanks!

[applepansy]

I would give up LDS.net. I would NOT cut ties to the Church or my Heavenly Father and Savior in any way.

Our very first priority is to our Heavenly Father.

If my husband asked me to choose between him and my Heavenly Father, he'd lose. God always comes first.

Edited August 2, 2011 by applepansy
typo

[ctr123]

But what if he's not saing that you have to give up Heavenly Father, just going to the LDS church. He's not LDS and you are and he wants to get closer to Heavenly Father with his wife but not thru the LDS church.

Does that change anything?

[slamjet]

It's a matter of prospective. I would give up every relationship if I was forced to make a choice. I did it once, but for evil. I know what it's like to loose everything, it sucks. But I then gave up my evil life for the Gospel. Why? I learned the gospel and got an eternal perspective about life and the hereafter. So yea, I can say I would give it all up.

[Bini]

But what if he's not saing that you have to give up Heavenly Father, just going to the LDS church. He's not LDS and you are and he wants to get closer to Heavenly Father with his wife but not thru the LDS church.

Does that change anything?

Depends on the person. And it depends on if the gospel is important to that person. If the Lord comes first, then there's no coin-toss, so to speak.

[applepansy]

But what if he's not saing that you have to give up Heavenly Father, just going to the LDS church. He's not LDS and you are and he wants to get closer to Heavenly Father with his wife but not thru the LDS church.

Does that change anything?

Not for me.

The Church is Christ's church. I have made covenants with my Heavenly Father through baptism to attend my meetings, pay my tithing. I have made further covenants in the temple.

[JaneDoe]

The things that are saving my marriage are: daily scripture study, prayer, fasting, attending the house of the Lord. If I wasn't doing these things, my marriage and eternal salvation wouldn't stand a chance.

[ruthiechan]

But what if he's not saing that you have to give up Heavenly Father, just going to the LDS church. He's not LDS and you are and he wants to get closer to Heavenly Father with his wife but not thru the LDS church.

Does that change anything?

When my husband and I were separating, but before we separated, I told him I thought about giving up being Mormon for him. Then after giving it some thought I realized that I'd just be living a lie and that if he ever required it of me, then he wasn't the person I married anymore because the person I married would never want to make me miserable.

He nodded and agreed with me, and spoke about a corollary with me.

So for me? No, I would not because when we married we'd made an agreement. I'd be able to practice my religion and I would not force him to do so.

There are things to get closer to Heavenly Father that does not have anything to do with the LDS Church. Bible study, prayer, family home evening, etc. You can do those things together. If he has a particular church he wants to go to perhaps you can switch between churches.

However, all that said, do you know what his problems with the Church are? This is very important when trying to understand your husband's view point.

[JudoMinja]

Where do you stand spiritually? Do you believe that this is the True Church restored on the earth today? That it is the Lord's church and where you need to be to make and keep sacred covenants with the Lord? If you believe this, why would you give up the church for anything, even a marriage? If you aren't too sure about it and believe you can find the Truth in another church, I can understand giving it up for your marriage... The key is understanding where your personal faith and commitment lies. Is your husband, by asking you to leave the LDS church, asking you to deny your faith? The answer to that question will depend on the extent of your faith.

If I were only semi-committed to the church and did not have a strong testimony in all its teachings, I might not have a problem with going to a different church for a non-member spouse. However, that isn't the case for me. I have a very strong personal testimony of the truthfulness of this church. If someone asked me to give that up, it would be like asking me to renounce my soul. I couldn't do it. I would rather lose that marriage than lose my soul.

Slightly different, but my ex at one point asked me to deny my faith. He was overwhelmed with all the hardships we were being put through and a painful tooth infection we couldn't get looked at for lack of insurance was his final straw. He was up in the middle of the night in terrible pain and asked if I would pray for God to take his pain away so he could sleep. When He didn't do it, my ex wanted me to renounce my faith, to deny my belief in God. He was angry... and I was terrified, but I wouldn't do it. I knew that God does not always answer our prayers the way we would want Him to and that He wouldn't do something for us that we couldn't do for ourselves. The "lack" of an answer did not at all shake my faith. I could not turn away from what I felt in my heart of hearts to be right and true, no matter what my ex wanted me to do or what I feared he would do to me for not complying. That moment ended up being one of several testimony building moments in my life. That strength and fortitude of my testimony that I felt under pressure helped me understand and build a stronger commitment to what I know to be true.

Figure out what is in your "heart of hearts". What do you KNOW to be true? Then don't turn away from it. Don't renounce it for anything. Do not deny your faith, whatever that may be. If your faith in the "church" is not that strong, okay. Maybe seeking the truth in another church with your husband will be what you need. But if a knowledge of the truthfulness of this gospel has become a part of you, a part of your soul, and you deny that... it will tear you apart. And who knows.. Maybe standing up for what you believe and explaining why you will not go to another church will soften the heart of your husband. Your resolve to not be swayed in your faith might get him questioning what is so wonderful that you won't give it up.

[Gwen]

I was once told anytime a relationship is costing one person to give up who they are then it's time to consider it quits. So the question becomes is the church just something you do or is it part of who you are?

He was up in the middle of the night in terrible pain and asked if I would pray for God to take his pain away so he could sleep. When He didn't do it, my ex wanted me to renounce my faith, to deny my belief in God.

I know a man whose wife was in a lot of pain. She thought it was a stomach virus or something so he gave her a blessing to make the pain go away so she could sleep. Her pain almost instantly went away. She also had the impression to go to the ER anyway. Turned out she had apendicitis (?sp). The pain went away because it ruptured. She ended up in surgery all night cleaning up the mess and trying to prevent more serious issues. Careful what you ask for?

[MarginOfError]

On the other hand, I know a woman who left the church when it became a point of contention between her and her husband. Yes, she had made a covenant to the Lord and to the church, but she had also made covenants with the Lord, her husband, and to her children. The simple truth is, if you're forced to choose between the Church and your marriage, then you're forced to choose which covenant you're going to keep. It's a crappy spot to be in.

In most situations, I'd support leaving the Church if continued activity meant the end of your marriage. Being divorced is hard, especially if you have kids. But I would encourage a great deal of resistance before actually coming to that point.

Oh, and that woman who left the Church to appease her husband...her husband later changed his mind, and initiated the process to bring the whole family back into the Church. That almost certainly wouldn't have happened if she had chosen the Church over her husband.

[Just_A_Guy]

But what if he's not saing that you have to give up Heavenly Father, just going to the LDS church. He's not LDS and you are and he wants to get closer to Heavenly Father with his wife but not thru the LDS church.

Does that change anything?

One thing to consider is, were you practicing LDS when the two of you were married?

If so, then he's pulling a bait-and-switch on you and his controlling behavior, IMHO, ought not to be tolerated. What else will he make you give up in order to "strengthen your marital relationship"? Hobbies? Friends? Your extended family?

On the other hand--if you weren't a practicing Mormon when you married, then frankly you've kind of pulled a bait-and-switch on him (even though it was doubtless with the best of intentions) and you should probably give him more leeway.

[girlygirl]

When I was first dating my husband he was not a member, and in fact atheist. He was so adamant there was no God that it really started rubbing off on me. He refused to go to Church too. I slowly started to feel my testimony weaken (when you love someone you also grow to love what they stand for and believe)... Feeling myself slacken in my Church attendance and visualize our future together with our two opposing views I thought about my future without Church. And no, I realized I couldn't not go to Church for him. I decided everything he loved and admired in my opposed to other regular run of the mill non lds girls is from how I was raised and Church. I realized everything I hated and wished he didn't do was because he didn't go to Church. So the answer was pretty simple. Hang onto the iron rod!

[RipplecutBuddha]

I would not give up the church for any person. It would be an excruciating decision, but I would rather be divorced than leave the LDS Church.

If I married as a member, whether my spouse was a member or not, I would stand firm. I have been a member all my life, and nobody has given me sufficient reason to leave the church. If my spouse were to give me the ultimatum to either leave the church or leave them, I would wave bye-bye in their face. The covenants I have made with God trump any covenants I can make with my spouse including temple marriage because the validity of the temple covenants depends upon the faithfulness of both people.

If my spouse were LDS, then left the church and demand that I do likewise, I would refuse. Not only would she have broken her covenants, but she would have talked me into breaking mine as well. If we both left the church, then no covenants would remain valid.

No, I would never leave the church for any family member or spouse or child.

[Gwen]

I have to agree taking more of the relationship history into account is important. I also know a woman that left the church for her husband. They married (neither knew of the church), had children, he was nearly killed in a work accident and she stood by him through it all. Then they found the church, he wasn't all that into it but he was baptized and raised his children in the church because that is what she wanted. After years of being active members he retired, kids obviously grown, and he wanted to return to "his" church. They discussed it and decided it was better to go to church together than apart. She felt he had devoted enough of his life to her desires so she would go with him for awhile. Who knows if they will come back.

[seeking_peace]

I don’t think that I could give up the church, my friends, or my extended family. If he’s asking you to give up everything, he’s trying to isolate you. That’s the first step down a scary road.

If the marriage were strong and fulfilling in all other areas, I might consider a compromise: I’ll go to church with you 3 Sundays a month, but you will need to allow me to study on my own and attend the temple periodically and Sacrament meeting once a month.

I certainly wouldn’t give up my entire faith. I would be especially reluctant if there were other areas of stress in the marriage. I would need to hold on to my faith to help me through.

At least that is the way I feel right now. I used to say that divorce would never be an option, too. But I’m now divorced and happier than I was for most of my 23 year marriage.

My father gave up his activity in the church because it became a source of contention between he and my mother (lt’s a long story, but basically they were both members for years, and then my mother became disillusioned). I don’t think that she ever asked him to give it up, he just wanted to avoid the tension that it brought into their relationship. He still considers himself LDS, still wears garments (they both do-which I think is weird), still believes much of the doctrine, he even recently asked his bishop for a blessing, but he hasn’t been to church in 15 years. They’ve been married for almost 53 years and are very happy.

Look at what brings you the greatest joy and peace of mind. Is it your relationship with your husband, or your relationship with the Lord? Don’t give up the most important relationship for a lesser one.

[Someday]

Where do you stand spiritually? Do you believe that this is the True Church restored on the earth today? That it is the Lord's church and where you need to be to make and keep sacred covenants with the Lord? If you believe this, why would you give up the church for anything, even a marriage? If you aren't too sure about it and believe you can find the Truth in another church, I can understand giving it up for your marriage... The key is understanding where your personal faith and commitment lies. Is your husband, by asking you to leave the LDS church, asking you to deny your faith? The answer to that question will depend on the extent of your faith.

If I were only semi-committed to the church and did not have a strong testimony in all its teachings, I might not have a problem with going to a different church for a non-member spouse. However, that isn't the case for me. I have a very strong personal testimony of the truthfulness of this church. If someone asked me to give that up, it would be like asking me to renounce my soul. I couldn't do it. I would rather lose that marriage than lose my soul.

Slightly different, but my ex at one point asked me to deny my faith. He was overwhelmed with all the hardships we were being put through and a painful tooth infection we couldn't get looked at for lack of insurance was his final straw. He was up in the middle of the night in terrible pain and asked if I would pray for God to take his pain away so he could sleep. When He didn't do it, my ex wanted me to renounce my faith, to deny my belief in God. He was angry... and I was terrified, but I wouldn't do it. I knew that God does not always answer our prayers the way we would want Him to and that He wouldn't do something for us that we couldn't do for ourselves. The "lack" of an answer did not at all shake my faith. I could not turn away from what I felt in my heart of hearts to be right and true, no matter what my ex wanted me to do or what I feared he would do to me for not complying. That moment ended up being one of several testimony building moments in my life. That strength and fortitude of my testimony that I felt under pressure helped me understand and build a stronger commitment to what I know to be true.

Figure out what is in your "heart of hearts". What do you KNOW to be true? Then don't turn away from it. Don't renounce it for anything. Do not deny your faith, whatever that may be. If your faith in the "church" is not that strong, okay. Maybe seeking the truth in another church with your husband will be what you need. But if a knowledge of the truthfulness of this gospel has become a part of you, a part of your soul, and you deny that... it will tear you apart. And who knows.. Maybe standing up for what you believe and explaining why you will not go to another church will soften the heart of your husband. Your resolve to not be swayed in your faith might get him questioning what is so wonderful that you won't give it up.

Really good advice. Personally, my wife did ask me to give up friends - she is very jealous and insecure - fine, I did that - it was a sacrifice I was willing to make to help her be happy. I made that choice eleven years ago. Unfortunately, a few months ago she wanted me to quit my callings and cut off contact with my family. I drew the line there and told her it wouldn't happen, that both the church and my family mean too much to me. I believe that in a good marriage, these kids of ultimatums should not be happening. If they are, then I think you should take a good hard look at where your priorities lie and if this person truly fits into your eternal plans.

[ctr123]

Without going to deep I just want to say that I have a real testimony in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that it is the church is true and living the teachings and commandments can bring true and everlasting happiness. I also believe in the covents of marriage. I've been a member since I was 8 years old. I was inactive for about two years when my husband and I married. I returned to church after about three year into our marriage. And gained a true testimony about a year or so after that. Now 18 years and five kids latter here we are. I love my husband and I know that he loves me. Doing our own thing for so many years can really hurt a marriage. I don't believe that a marriage can truly heal without Heavenly Father and the atonement of Jesus Christ. I believe that slamjet had the answer to the question "how far would you go?" right, its all a matter of perspective. I can't imagine throwing away my marriage as easily as some have said they would over a difference of beliefs. Easily is probaly the wrong word. Just as I'm sure that some are thinking that they can't believe that I would consider going to another church.

Well to clarify (funny I know that none of you know my husband but I don't want you to think bad thoughts of him) My husband has not said to me You need to choose me or the church. In fact he has told me to go if I want to. but after years of doing this we are not happy together. We both have healing to do and we need Christ in our marriage. I don't believe that Christ is only in the hearts of LDS people. So if going to a Baptist church as a family and learning of Christ helps us to heal than shouldn't I try that. I also know that my faith is in the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I will always know the Book of Morman is true. I also believe that blessings will come to my family if we allow the spirit to lead us.

Thanks for your comments and giving me things to think about.

[Backroads]

Why does my theoretical spouse have such issues with me going to church?

[Backroads]

Without going to deep I just want to say that I have a real testimony in the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that it is the church is true and living the teachings and commandments can bring true and everlasting happiness. I also believe in the covents of marriage. I've been a member since I was 8 years old. I was inactive for about two years when my husband and I married. I returned to church after about three year into our marriage. And gained a true testimony about a year or so after that. Now 18 years and five kids latter here we are. I love my husband and I know that he loves me. Doing our own thing for so many years can really hurt a marriage. I don't believe that a marriage can truly heal without Heavenly Father and the atonement of Jesus Christ. I believe that slamjet had the answer to the question "how far would you go?" right, its all a matter of perspective. I can't imagine throwing away my marriage as easily as some have said they would over a difference of beliefs. Easily is probaly the wrong word. Just as I'm sure that some are thinking that they can't believe that I would consider going to another church.

Well to clarify (funny I know that none of you know my husband but I don't want you to think bad thoughts of him) My husband has not said to me You need to choose me or the church. In fact he has told me to go if I want to. but after years of doing this we are not happy together. We both have healing to do and we need Christ in our marriage. I don't believe that Christ is only in the hearts of LDS people. So if going to a Baptist church as a family and learning of Christ helps us to heal than shouldn't I try that. I also know that my faith is in the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I will always know the Book of Morman is true. I also believe that blessings will come to my family if we allow the spirit to lead us.

Thanks for your comments and giving me things to think about.

Thanks for the information. The original question sounded rather hypothetical, hence my earlier response.

I don't believe Christ is limited to the LDS, either. Far from it. I think it can do a lot of good for a relationship to attend a church together. It's a nice family thing and if the Spirit is there, the Spirit is there.

So... do you think it would help if you and your husband attended <insert church> together? Do you think shared spiritual activities such as prayer and reading <insert spiritual text> would be good for your relationship? I imagine they would do quite a lot of good.

Would your husband be happier if you reduced your amount of time attending the LDS church meetings but still continued personal prayer and scripture study?

If your husband or anyone's hypothetical spouse said that anything even remotely LDS was strictly off-limits, I'd call that a control/security issue and would more closely examine the relationship. Making you deny who you are is wrong. I think that's what people were getting at with the "throwing away a marriage over religious believes." NOT ALLOWING someone to have their own beliefs is a huge deal and a big red flag in a relationship.

But if your personal spiritual quest is completely overshadowing your spiritual quest as a couple, I think a little rearranging could very well be in order. Pray together, do other spiritual activities together, persue a relationship with God and Christ together, attend some church meetings together. Be LDS on your own time--and I realy hope your husband would be okay with that.

[NurseB]

I would give up LDS.net. I would NOT cut ties to the Church or my Heavenly Father and Savior in any way.

Our very first priority is to our Heavenly Father.

If my husband asked me to choose between him and my Heavenly Father, he'd lose. God always comes first.

Agreed 100%.

[james12]

Here's what comes to my mind in this difficult situation.

Why did God put the first commandment first? Because He knew that if we truly loved Him we would want to keep all of His other commandments. “For this is the love of God,” says John, “that we keep his commandments” (1 Jn. 5:3; see also 2 Jn. 1:6).

We must put God in the forefront of everything else in our lives. He must come first, just as He declares in the first of His Ten Commandments: “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” (Ex. 20:3).

When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.

We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.

...We should give God, the Father of our spirits, an exclusive preeminence in our lives. He has a prior parental claim on our eternal welfare, ahead of all other ties that may bind us here or hereafter.

...“Whatever God requires is right,” said the Prophet Joseph Smith (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, sel. Joseph Fielding Smith, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1979, p. 256)—and so Nephi slew Laban. And God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.

Had Abraham loved Isaac more than God, would he have consented? As the Lord indicates in the Doctrine and Covenants, both Abraham and Isaac now sit as gods (see D&C 132:37). They were willing to offer or to be offered up as God required. They have a deeper love and respect for each other because both were willing to put God first. The Great Commandment - Love the Lord

For me, to give up going to Church and partaking of the sacrament would be to give up my commitment to Him. Edited October 30, 2012 by james12

[mrmarklin]

How far would you go to save your marriage? Would you stop going to church? Would you cut all ties to the people you have gone to church with for years? Would you even give up LDS.net?

I know how important keeping a family together is but would Heavenly Father want someone to give up so much inorder to stay married?

Just looking for different things to think about on this subject. Thanks!

I would not stop going to church. That's a deal breaker FWIW.

[RMGuy]

I guess I see this as two sides to the same coin, so lets flip it.

Would anyone on the board expect, or counsel that if their spouse DOESN'T remain faithful to the church that this is grounds for separation?

I think it is possible for two individuals that love and respect each other to have different believe systems, and for the other individual to respect and support their spouse in those different beliefs. I think that a spouse that forces the other to choose to leave the church or face divorce is just as selfish and evil as an individual that forces a spouse to remain in the church or face divorce.

-RM