Getting service when there is an adult male at home

[dahlia]

I have begged and pleaded with my son to do some of the yard work. I have a service that mows the grass, but it costs extra to trim the bushes, etc. I want him to do it, but between work and starting grad school, he claims he doesn't have the time (he has time to date, but I digress...)

The elders are always looking for something to do, and this really isn't much, but I wonder if I should ask for their help or just beat my son into submission? I have tendonitis and even if I felt 100%, isn't there a point where the mom doesn't have to do this kind of work and the son steps in?

Sometimes I wonder if there is a psychological component to his behavior. He will often say, 'you can do it,' while I remind him I'm not as young as I look. I am58 and sometimes think he says I should do certain things because being able to do them means I'm not getting any older.

So, should I ask for the elders' help, or beat the boy?

[Guest]

I say both.

[pam]

Wow dahlia. I am in EXACTLY the same place you are.

[seeking_peace]

Every time I have the missionaries over for dinner they ask if there is anything that they can do for me. They really are looking for service opportunities. Ask them.

[Guest fadedleaf]

I want him to do it, but between work and starting grad school, he claims he doesn't have the time (he has time to date, but I digress...)

Please believe me when I say I'm trying to be polite when I ask this, but why is your son still living at home? Is he a sixteen year old boy that finished school early? - If you're 58 I don't think he's a teenager; however, that doesn't preclude the idea, either.

The elders are always looking for something to do...

I personally never offer service to those I think they do it their self.

, and this really isn't much, but I wonder if I should ask for their help or just beat my son into submission? I have tendonitis and even if I felt 100%, isn't there a point where the mom doesn't have to do this kind of work and the son steps in?

I can't believe I'm saying this - rather in shock - buy my mother believes that if you live under her roof then you mow the lawn and any other household chores. On my many adventures I once lived on a farm, which often times was not very fun but necessary.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a psychological component to his behavior.

See "laziness".

He will often say, 'you can do it,'

In which case you turn to him and say, "No, 'You can do it.'"

So, should I ask for the elders' help, or beat the boy?

With a stick, and don't stop swinging until your hear it break. If he strands up get another wooden plank, rinse and repeat.

Ok, sarcasm aside, you should never beat anyone - situation depending of course. I feel like this situation touches home for me, because I have a slothful cousin that does the exact same thing sometimes. His mother is constantly picking up after him; I don't presume that parent turned caretaker does not correct, but exacerbates the situation. Perhaps a good foot to rear talk will help him see the light.

Edited August 20, 2011 by fadedleaf

[Dravin]

I say both.

Ask for the Elder's help in beating the boy.

In which case you turn to him and say, "No, 'You can do it.'"

Or you just say, "Yes I can. Now go do it." It reminds me of my 12 year old brother who when asked to do something plays the "I don't want to!" game. My response?* "I don't care, do it."

*When babysitting him or when asked to relay a parental directive.

Edited August 21, 2011 by Dravin

[Suzie]

Ask for the Elder's help in beating the boy.

Dahlia, you shouldn't have to beg your son. What is exactly the situation? Is he living with you and paying the bills or you are paying for everything?

[dahlia]

Ask for the Elder's help in beating the boy.

Ha ha. I just came from an event at church and found out that the elders have been down with some kind of food sickness. Neither one of them looks fit for yard or beating duty. There's no way I'm going to have puking elders on my front lawn, so this will have to wait.

Yes, my son lives with me. He is going to grad school and saving money by living with me. For a family-centered religion, I'm surprised at the comments here. He does his share of the work and takes care of his own laundry, etc., but yard work isn't really something he does, since we have the lawn service.

[Suzie]

He does his share of the work and takes care of his own laundry, etc., but yard work isn't really something he does, since we have the lawn service.

Well, the thing is...if he is living with you to save money, then it means you're helping him in the saving process by supporting him (in whatever way you do). It's really not a matter of whether or not he does the yard work (is there really a choice when you're living by your parents so you can save?)...but the fact that he is aware that you cannot do it because of your health issue.

[Guest fadedleaf]

My second thought is, if he doesn't want to participate in lawn work then he should help pay for the service. This method is more family centric, I would imagine, because it does it does not involve any violence. He will eventually have to learn responsibility and money management, so why not start at home?

[beefche]

-->dravin!

Is he not part of the household? Then he needs to contribute towards it. You may not be requiring him to pay rent or pay for utilities, but he can certainly help with housework, yardwork, and other household care/maintenance.

BTW, do you know your home teacher? Ask him for help. If he can't, he certainly knows who in the ward could help you. And please understand, almost all the men in my ward (the active ones) WANT to help. I've called my home teacher before for a couple of house type of things and he thanked me profusely for asking him for help.

[dahlia]

I am reluctant to ask my home teachers for anything, even though they offer. They are both new doctors, one with 5 kids (including a newborn), one with 2 or 3 (including a little baby). They hardly have any time at home as it is, I'm not going to ask them to do anything short of putting a tarp on the roof after a tornado.

I like the idea about making my son pay for the extra lawn service work. Yup. I think he has two choices - pay for the work or do it himself, between now and Weds, no more time.

I'm curious - the elders always ask can they do something for me. OK fine, that's part of their 'job' while they're on their mission. I wonder if these young men, often still teens, are that helpful at home, of if their mothers wouldn't like to smack them upside the head sometimes themselves?

[Dravin]

For a family-centered religion, I'm surprised at the comments here.

Why? You don't think the comments about beating him into submission are serious do you? I'm guessing not because you started the jokes down the road so what is it that surprises you?

It may not be the situation but your post conjures the image of a son who is benefiting greatly from a supportive mother who allows him to live at home while he's pursuing school who blows off his mother's request to do something that is physically difficult for her to do with a "You can do it." It may just be your frustration bleeding through (combined with a lack of information on our parts) but he comes across (in the OP) as being ungrateful and disrespectful and is where the responses are coming from.

Edited August 21, 2011 by Dravin

[MorningStar]

I have begged and pleaded with my son to do some of the yard work. I have a service that mows the grass, but it costs extra to trim the bushes, etc. I want him to do it, but between work and starting grad school, he claims he doesn't have the time (he has time to date, but I digress...)

The elders are always looking for something to do, and this really isn't much, but I wonder if I should ask for their help or just beat my son into submission? I have tendonitis and even if I felt 100%, isn't there a point where the mom doesn't have to do this kind of work and the son steps in?

Sometimes I wonder if there is a psychological component to his behavior. He will often say, 'you can do it,' while I remind him I'm not as young as I look. I am58 and sometimes think he says I should do certain things because being able to do them means I'm not getting any older.

So, should I ask for the elders' help, or beat the boy?

I would tell him, "Living at home means you're not getting any older." Also, I would ask the missionaries to come over and help me beat the boy.

[Still_Small_Voice]

I also have tendonitis. What has helped with my tendonitis is "MSM" and "cayenne pepper." I try to take 2,000 to 3,000 milligrams of MSM everyday. The cayenne pepper is also in capsule form. I try to take 1,200 milligrams of that everyday. I take 600 milligrams in the morning and another 600 milligrams at around 5 P.M. Do not take cayenne pepper too late at night unless you like to feel the burn.

Edit: Expect to take it for at least 30 days before you see results.

Edited August 21, 2011 by Still_Small_Voice

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

Here is a thought, and I am surprised no one even made this comment before. While you are affording your son an opportunity to save money and finish out graduate school, you also are enabling him to be "mothered". He is a grown man. What would he do if he were on his own, in his own house with a family? Would he expect his wife to do the yard work?

Here is what actually should be done.

1) Cancel the yard service.

2) Inform your son that you or he are no longer paying for the yard service at all

3) offer to pay him the amount of money that he was paying/you were paying for the yard service.

4) If the work is not done to your satisfaction each week - no payment at all.

5) Furthermore, tell him he has 90 days to find a place of his own because it is time that he lives on his own and fends for himself.

6) stick to your guns.

The reality is that by having him not do any lawn work is showing that he is not willing to respect you or the home. Regardless of him doing his own laundry. For him, he is acting like a child and needs a swift kick out the door. There are many people who are in grad school that have more responsibilities than he does. They have house payments, families, jobs, church callings, and they are able to manage.

Yes, having the missionaries over will help out greatly because not only is it an opportunity for them to help out, but it gives them an opportunity to be out in the public doing service. We have had the missionaries over helping us with our lawn work on several Saturdays and it was always fun working alongside them. Neighbors ask who the young men are.

[rameumptom]

Talk to your home teachers. I'll bet they can help out once in a while.

[pam]

I also have tendonitis. What has helped with my tendonitis is "MSM" and "cayenne pepper." I try to take 2,000 to 3,000 milligrams of MSM everyday. The cayenne pepper is also in capsule form. I try to take 1,200 milligrams of that everyday. I take 600 milligrams in the morning and another 600 milligrams at around 5 P.M. Do not take cayenne pepper too late at night unless you like to feel the burn.

Edit: Expect to take it for at least 30 days before you see results.

I'm trying to figure out how this fits into the conversation.

[MorningStar]

I'm trying to figure out how this fits into the conversation.

She said she had tendonitis and that makes it hard for her to do yardwork.

[MorningStar]

Seriously, your son has a pretty sweet deal. He has a job, lives at home with his mother rent-free, gets away with not chipping in, and he dates. He is taking advantage of you and I would tell him to either find himself a roommate or take some responsibility for the home he has been blessed with. If he moves out, then accept service from the elders. My parents let us live with them for a while, but we helped remodel their kitchen, cooked at least half the time, bought our own food, and cleaned up our messes.

[LittleWyvern]

I'm curious - the elders always ask can they do something for me. OK fine, that's part of their 'job' while they're on their mission. I wonder if these young men, often still teens, are that helpful at home, of if their mothers wouldn't like to smack them upside the head sometimes themselves?

If you do it right, your thinking changes when you go on a mission. "Taking upon the name of Christ" becomes as literal as it's going to get. Your entire outlook changes. You're in a way trying to represent Christ, which is a big challenge. Sure, some of the elders might have been lazy at home, but if they ask you every time they come over if you need any help I think they've caught the vision. You have the opportunity to ingrain that in their heads a little.

[Madriglace]

I am single living on my parents property (my own apartment, living there to help care for the place as they get older ... 79 & 80 yrs young) ... I pay rent, all the utilities for the property except their house and do what ever needs done around the place that they ask and hold down a full time job plus outside interests and church callings. I started paying rent when I was a freshman in high school with my first summer job ... it wasn't much but it was a start. My question with all due respect is ... in your situation and what he is being handed ... what are you teaching him??? Like my dear grandmoter uses to tell the family of 8+ she raised alone ... "You don't work, you don't eat."

My suggestion ... figure out the cost of the yard service plus the trimming the trees ... he can either pay for it or do. Stand your ground ... being disrespectfull to you is unacceptable ... and he is going to be no prize in the husband department either! Time for him to cowboy up and act like a man.

As for your home teachers or the elders or the high preists ... please allow them to magnify their callings and receive the blessings they have been promised.

[FairChild]

If he has time to date that must also mean he has money to date as well. Tell him what needs to be done and ask him how he could accomplish it. Offer the choice of doing yard work or the choice of paying for having it done. I wish you great blessings as you work with your family to do those things you need to do to have a loving and healthy (did not use the word happy here, but hope it comes with the package).

FairChild

[lizzy16]

I wonder if these young men, often still teens, are that helpful at home, of if their mothers wouldn't like to smack them upside the head sometimes themselves?

I'm sure some are lazier at home. My brothers pretty amazing. He hasn't left for his mission yet, but he is the hardest worker I know and has always sacrificed a lot to help my family. On his mission he'll be just as helpful to others :) I'm quite proud of me.

[beefche]

:) I'm quite proud of me.

lizzy, quite full of self-confidence....