Civil Marriage?

[moocow]

I am 25 and dating someone who I want to marry, but we are not worthy for the temple. I've struggled with chastity issues for the past 5 years. He's struggled for the past 10 years. At what point do you decide to just get a civil marriage? Of course we could be sealed after we're married. But at this rate, I'm never going to get married because I'm never worthy long enough to actually make it to the temple. And yet I'm too ashamed to admit it to the world and my family that I suck at life and can't get married in the temple. It's always been a no-brainer that I would marry in the temple.

I know it's not right and God is displeased with me, but, is it sometimes acceptable to marry outside of the temple? I am otherwise a good member of the church and you'd never know it by looking at me that I have a problem. Repentance works and I have faith in it, I just can't seem to actually kick this and it's almost getting to the point that it's more harmful to my spiritual progression that I'm not married. It sounds weird, but I feel like I can't put off marriage forever. If I tried to repent and start over (and break up with my boyfriend) that would be another year or so and even then there's no guarantee that I will finally somehow overcome this. I'm sadly giving up trying now. I guess I just want to know if anyone else has had to make this kind of decision and how did it turn out for you?

If you're wondering, I love my boyfriend and DON'T want to break up with him. That's why I'm asking about civil marriages. Ha ha

Edited August 24, 2011 by moocow

[Guest]

Are you delaying marriage just to try to kick this? I was engaged for all of 3 weeks to avoid the problem. :) Missionaries advise cohabitating couples to get married, not to try to become celibate and chaste and then get married in the temple when they can. Unless there's a really good reason not to, I say get married and get on with things! You'll still go through the repentance process, but you'll be living a chaste life in the process as a married woman.

[Torch]

I agree with Eowyn. My wife and I were actually encouraged by our bishop to move our wedding date up after we had planned for a longer engagement. We followed his council and I have to say it was really good advice.

[JudoMinja]

I would advice talking with your bishop about the particulars of your difficulties with the law of chastity, as well as those of your boyfriend. This is because getting married will not "fix" the problem, but it could make it "easier". If either of you are dealing with an addiction to pornography or masturbation, having a lawful outlet won't necessarily make that go away. You may still struggle with your repentance, but this is something that you will conquer in your own time married or not. If you are simply having moments of weakness with each other, getting married means you don't have to worry about that any more! But- that doesn't mean you're not going to have problems.

So here's something to think about-

Do you think you will eventually conquer this weakness to the point that you can have complete self-control while still single?

Do you think it will be easier/harder or the same if you go ahead and get married civilly?

Will either option result in you becoming temple worthy? If so, which one(s)?

For others who have struggled with the law of chastity, getting married civilly first can be a stepping stone in easing the temptations and thus the repentance process, but this isn't always the way it works out. You need to carefully consider the specifics of your situation, which is why I suggest talking with your Bishop. He is prepared to guide you into making the best decision for your ultimate spiritual health.

[Blocky]

I was in a similar circumstance. We were advised to either get married (more preferable) or to break up. We got married. I'm glad we did! It was a long hard process of repentance but getting married did help, put things in perspective, also. The main negative was that after we got married and had a baby my husband decided to not be active in the church anymore. So, as of now I'm unable to be sealed to my family. Once you're civilly married, when you're sealed isn't just up to you anymore. So, that is a major consideration.

As far as getting married civilly, my parents were very happy, relieved and understanding as to why. Even if no one else knows about what you've been doing, the lack of having the Spirit in your life takes an enormous toll and will affect you. Getting right with your Heavenly Father and in a place where you can feel his love and influence consistently is really what needs to be your main goal, and most probably civil marriage will be an aid to that.

[moocow]

Thanks guys, that really helps a lot! I was thinking that since we did live together for a bit this summer, I would fall into that category of those who it would be better to just get married. I know I should have chose wiser in this relationship, but for me, my spirituality would be better if I was married.

[Guest mysticmorini]

since we did live together for a bit this summer.

You do understand that cohabitation can be grounds for excommunication don't you?

I'd say that in your case you need to get married ASAP

[MarginOfError]

You do understand that cohabitation can be grounds for excommunication don't you?

I'd say that in your case you need to get married ASAP

It can be, but doesn't have to be. There are a lot of factors I would take into consideration before leaping to Church discipline.

I am 25 and dating someone who I want to marry, but we are not worthy for the temple. I've struggled with chastity issues for the past 5 years. He's struggled for the past 10 years. At what point do you decide to just get a civil marriage? Of course we could be sealed after we're married. But at this rate, I'm never going to get married because I'm never worthy long enough to actually make it to the temple. And yet I'm too ashamed to admit it to the world and my family that I suck at life and can't get married in the temple. It's always been a no-brainer that I would marry in the temple.

You don't suck at life. You just happen to enjoy sex and have a hard time giving it up. I can understand that.

If you and your boyfriend are serious about each other and plan to spend the rest of your lives together, I would actually consider marriage a part of your repentance process. Remember that the sin in your life is that you are having sexual relations outside of marriage. Repentance would mean that you either don't get married and discontinue sexual relations, or you get married and continue your sexual relations (a part of, anyway).

But, marriage is a decision you should make jointly with your boyfriend. I don't have enough information from what's in this thread to give you a full opinion, so I'll leave it at that.

[prophetofdoom]

I would strongly advise getting civilly married. Once the hand has been in the cookie jar.... it is hard to turn back.

[AboutToLeave]

If the only reason why you are not yet married is b/c of temple worthiness, then get a civil marriage! The big up side that you have here is that your non-member friends and family can also attend!

Plus, if anyone starts to whisper 'Oh my, they aren't getting married in the temple! How scandalous!' you can just un-invite them!

Plus plus, with a civil wedding, you have so much more control over everything...and it will be YOUR special day, not just another ceremony cranked out by the wedding machine, while some of your closest friends and family members have to wait outside the building.

[Blocky]

You do understand that cohabitation can be grounds for excommunication don't you?

I'd say that in your case you need to get married ASAP

Sure, but that's a pretty scary comment when really that's not the normal reality of things.

I'd say most the time if you're willing to live with someone and you're happy with the relationship, go for it, get married. With the right attitude, marriage is a total blessing.

[Backroads]

Get a civil marriage. I think that sometimes LDS culture puts too much focus on the "temple marriage" for your original ceremony when it's really the sealing that counts. If anyone asks why you are getting married civilly, it's none of their business unless you and your boyfriend choose to make it so.

[LDSVALLEY]

Realize that civil or temple marriage might not solve your problems, it is one of personal control.

Of course it is much harder to as one person said to keep your hand out of the cookie jar once you've had a cookie.

Sinning and getting married does not make the problem go away. Sinning is the symptom of the real problem ( Personal Control) getting married in this situation is the band aid. It makes the symptom go away but the cause of the problem still exists.

You might both find the real problem surfacing again when the pressure of life and marriage exert themselves on your relationship and on each of you.

Temple marriage is better then civil marriage.

Civil marriage is better then no marriage.

Just make sure you solve the problem along with the symptom!

[Guest mormonmusic]

Get married civilly. Enjoy sex for a full year while knowing you are obeying the law of chastity, and then get married in the temple. You'll likely make mistakes if you try to keep your hands off each other now that you've done it, waiting for that year to pass. Get married, make physical intimacy sanctioned from a gospel standpoint, and then get married in the temple a year later. I wouldn't even debate that one.