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Hahnzee

My husband watches bad movies

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My husband and his entire family swear all the time and watch movies that have tons of swear words and innapropriate scenes in them. I have always voiced my opinion and had it made known I'm not okay at all with watching movies that have excessive swear words and bad scenes. Many times I walk in to find my husband watching such movies and I ask him to turn it off. He refuses to. He says I'm being a martyr and that if he can't watch those movies then we can't watch anything but church movies. I believe we need to set a standard together of what we will and wont watch. He thinks I should just simply not watch those movies with him but I believe it shouldn't be played at all in our house because it brings a bad spirit into the home and I can hear it no matter where I am in the house. I've brought up every argument such as would he be watching it if the prophet were in the room everything and he just thinks he is totally fine. I am at a complete loss of what to do because I refuse to lower my standards.

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You can't change him. But neither should you lower your standards.

From personal experience I think that some of the bad spirit that movies like this brings into a home are from the contention. He thinks its ok and you don't. You feel bad that he won't be more respectful. An unresolved disagreement will always bring bad feelings of one sort or another.

What I finally did was ignore it. I asked that my husband turn down the sound so I couldn't hear it. Then I shut the door to the room I was in and watched something else, read scriptures or listened to uplifting music. As our children came along I took them with me. It wasn't very fun for him to watch garbage by himself when we were all having fun in the other room. ;) Eventually my wonderful husband realized that there were more imporrtant things to be doing than watching R-rated movies.

Prayer and fasting helped . Arguing just make it all worse.

I wish you all the best with this issue.

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What are 'bad movies' in this context? Swear words alone? Swear words and sex scenes? Violence? What about films showing combat - lotsa violence and probably some swearing? What if the film is historically accurate? What about movies that make women out to be stupid, helpless appendages to men, in capable of thinking and acting on their own? Do you have a problem with those?

What I'm getting at is, is anything rated 'R' appropriate in your eyes?

This sounds more hostile than I mean it to, I just wonder about this self-limiting aspect of church members. There are plenty of interesting films that are 'R' rated. Some may have cursing, or gee whiz, flash some skin. C'mon. There's no way I'm going to give up art or history or politics because someone drops the F bomb.

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Guest mirancs8

Continue to be an example to him by your own actions. One advice would be don't get overboard with constantly bringing it up to him. He knows how you feel, Now you just need to continue to set the standard by your own examples.

Be patient it may take time... a long time for him to change. In the end he has to want to change. No matter how much to bring it up it might end up causing unnecessary anger between you two. It's like someone who might drink or smoke, they have to want to change for themselves not because of someone pressing that they should. Be positive and supportive but show by your actions that you opt for the higher road.

I think we all do something whether big or small that might be seen as inappropriate etc.

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What are 'bad movies' in this context? Swear words alone? Swear words and sex scenes? Violence? What about films showing combat - lotsa violence and probably some swearing? What if the film is historically accurate? What about movies that make women out to be stupid, helpless appendages to men, in capable of thinking and acting on their own? Do you have a problem with those?

What I'm getting at is, is anything rated 'R' appropriate in your eyes?

This sounds more hostile than I mean it to, I just wonder about this self-limiting aspect of church members. There are plenty of interesting films that are 'R' rated. Some may have cursing, or gee whiz, flash some skin. C'mon. There's no way I'm going to give up art or history or politics because someone drops the F bomb.

Although I agree with this post in the regard that we need to define what constitutes a "bad movie", even thought I am generally on the liberal isde with a live and let live attitude, the line is drawn with me when the live and let live infringes on the respect for another and the infringes upon another's rights.

One things I would have to ask the original poster, is did this issue just come up suddenly. Generally speaking when a couple meets, falls in love and marries they have already determined whether or not they are on the same pagean when it comes to values and likes or dislikes for entertainment.

If this has been oongoing even when you first knew your hhusband and his family (which seems to be the case since entire families don't usually abrupty change their value systems), then you may have a problem conveying to your husband and his family why the "bad movie watching" is a problem for you now when it was tolerated at an earlier time.

This being said though, I am thinking the problem is not so much the movie content as the lack of communication within your family in discussing what your family values are, and secondly, respecting each others beliefs and values.

For instance, in our home the F-Bomb is NEVER appropriate ever. We just don't like the word and associate it with low life and always have before we ever joined the church, during our times of both activity and inactivity in the church. We are a second marriage and our children grew up in two different households but none of our children were allowed to use objectionable language and we believe that they will lessen their chances of progressing and succeeding in life if they make a habit of talking trash.

We are not as hung up on sexuality. No we do not watch porn at all. But a movie with love scenes is not nearly as big an issue as the F word is. This evening we were both shocked and appalled when someone on our Facebook said that her Mother (grandmother to her child) bought her a book called "Go to F-ing Sleep" to read to her child. No such book would have been allowed in our home, and there is no way we thought that was funny as many did.

On the other hand we are less concerned with the flashing of skin scenes (however children do not live in our home). And we do watch TV shows like Criminal Minds and NCIS that have scenes of violence but no F-Bombs since they are prime time TV.

In any event, we all have certain issues we find objectionable. Within the home it is important that couples define what is appropriate and what is not, and definitely respect each other in regards to not offending and disrespecting the others values.

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I am at a complete loss of what to do because I refuse to lower my standards.

Did he do any of that before you were married? If so, didn't you lower your standards by marrying him?

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I believe we need to set a standard together of what we will and wont watch.

Is that what you mean or do you mean that you should set the standard and he should just do what you tell him?

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My husband has no qualms about R rated movies. He loves horror films and war films and doesn't mind swearing. The Number One thing that has brought peace to our house regarding the 'tv war' is that several times a week I'll take the kids out and about and tell him 'watch what ever you want'. I think the reason this makes him so much less defensive about what he's watching when we're home is because he doesn't feel like I'm trying to control him.

Your dilemma seems a lot less about whose right and wrong and more with how to communicate without making your spouse defensive. If my husband thinks I'm trying to control him, he'll dig his heels in and whatever it is he thinks I don't want him to do, he'll make double sure he's doing it. I know, I know, not exactly the best attitude to have, but it's true, that's how he is. Instead of lovingly showing him how he's wrong (hahahahahah, like that would accomplish anything) I just be extra sweet to him, ask him if he'd like me to make him a sandwich, give him a big sloppy kiss and tell him I'll see him later, I'm going in the other room because I don't like what's on tv and can you please turn it down... I want my bubble bath to be quiet and relaxing. Now, it is fair that I have to be sweet and nice to him because he wants to do something so rude? It doesn't really matter, I get what I want and he gets what he wants and we still love each other.

Of course it didn't start out like this. I can say I understand a lot more about agency now than before I was married to him. As far as bringing a bad spirit, I don't think his shows do that as much as make it hard for the Spirit (capitalized) to be there. But, if I'm doing my thing in the other room or outside, I'm still feeling it. I think we have a loving Heavenly Father who will guide us if he are worthy and ask for his help, especially if we are in a situation we can't control, like being around a bad movie. Because in a lot of ways, I see this as a situation you can't control. You are married but he's his own person. I highly suggest being sweet to him about it and seeing if that helps. If not, at least you know you've done all you can to help the situation and you'll be emotionally freed up to feel good about what you're doing without worrying too much about him.

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Many times I walk in to find my husband watching such movies and I ask him to turn it off. He refuses to. He says I'm being a martyr and that if he can't watch those movies then we can't watch anything but church movies.

I would take him up on on this. Some guys are 'all or nothing'. So call him out on being lukewarm. Throw out all your dvd's and VHS tapes, etc and bring home videos that the church has produced or any church/religious/LDS related shows that you both can agree on, even the hymns on CD and play them on medium volume in the kitchen or somewhere in your home where most of the traffic is and let them play all day in a loop to invite the Spirit into your home.

My wife told me once that I spend too much time on the internet. I told her she spends too much time watching pointless shows on tv and any time she was ready to cancel our cable bill along with our internet bill I'd be ready to do it. She never took me up on that challenge. We all have our standards and our comfort zones and various diversions. By the way, the vast majority of my time online is spent networking, researching, studying, etc, and almost never playing games or being entertained.

Edited by skalenfehl

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My concern is him respecting your feelings, him wondering if you are respecting his.

I had an interesting discussion on this nature with my sisters today. We all grew up in the Mormon bubble of Utah, and one sister spent the summer working at Philmont Scout Ranch where she suddenly found herself not only the minority, but the dreaded Utah Mormon. In conversation with the few other Mormons there, she found herself feeling a little bad about some of the things she did watch/play.

Personally, I apply more discretion to my entertainment than mere ratings. I have watched Rated R movies and I do play some M-rated video games. I put this with the good, better, best. The conversation today made me wondering that even though I deem these activities "all right' they're probably not the best use of my time.

You may have brought up every reason under the sun, but did that list include how the movies make you feel? Do you trust him to set standards for himself using his own intelligence? If so, does he know that?

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First off, he's done this ever since you've known him and his family. So I think it's a lot self righteous to try to set some sort of standard now. You should have dealt with this BEFORE marraige. Actually you did. You tacitly accepted it.

Second, get another TV/DVD player. They're not so expensive now. We've got several, and all the kids have moved out. My wife and I don't have the problem about what to watch because we can each do what we want.

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Did he do any of that before you were married? If so, didn't you lower your standards by marrying him?

No while dating we didn't do very much movie watching...and he knew that I would never watch such movies...ever! When we did watch movies we would pick together so of course it would be appropriate. I never would have imagined him acting the way he is now before we got married.

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Wow I came here to get good advice. I never expected such rude, judging answers saying I'm being self righteous?! I just moved here around his family so I didn't find out this about his family until AFTER we were married

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Wow I came here to get good advice. I never expected such rude, judging answers saying I'm being self righteous?! I just moved here around his family so I didn't find out this about his family until AFTER we were married

And that's the type of thing that can't be helped, of course. From the sounds of your posts now, it seems you really did not expect him acting this way. If you had known, would you have married him?

So let's focus on answers describing what you can do now.

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No while dating we didn't do very much movie watching...and he knew that I would never watch such movies...ever!

And it sounds like he doesn't expect you to either. Did you ever discuss the appropriateness of media before marriage? Sounds like you expected him to agree with your standards while his thinking was he won't be asking you to go changing yours.

You may have brought up every reason under the sun, but did that list include how the movies make you feel?

The problem is that this easily turns into emotional blackmail. Not that it must mind you, but it is really tricky to communicate strong negative emotion like she's apparently feeling without it coming out like (sometimes purposefully):

"If you cared about me you'd agree with me or concede the issue."

Only problem is it cuts both ways.

Do you trust him to set standards for himself using his own intelligence? If so, does he know that?

I think the fact that she doesn't find his standards acceptable and is arguing with him over them is a fair indicator that she doesn't trust him to set his own standards (less the not agreeing part and more the arguing part) and that she wants, rightly or wrongly, to enforce her own upon him.

Edited by Dravin

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Guest mormonmusic

Regardless of what the definition of a bad movie is, I think our opening poster is facing what many of us face -- lack of agreement between spouses.

I would suggest this. There MUST be something he really wants from you that you won't give up. Next time he brings it up, be willing to give in on that item "provided we come to an agreement on bad movies in our home". If the movies are important to you, it will be worth the sacrifice.

I used this technique with bedtime. I don't really enforce it, as due to long working hours, I usually use the time after 9 pm to be with my children. Perhaps not a great approach, but it works for me. My wife, on the other hand, is a bedtime Nazi. She is constantly mad at me that I don't enforce it, so the kids get out of bed and come into my office and we talk etcetera.

Well, my wife is not big on family prayer for some reason. Never enforces it, it only happens reluctantly if I initiate it. To her, its just another obstacle to getting kids into bed. (Which astounds me given the emphasis on it at Church, and the fact she belongs to a die hard MOrmon upbringing).

The other day, with school starting, she demanded I support her better with a set bedtime -- enforced by both of us. I agreed, -- provided she supports me in family prayer.

How nice it was to have her call family prayer the other day!!! And to have a good attitude about it when I call it because she knows I'll put the kids to bed right after. So, negotiate.

I use negotiation all the time. When kids want something, they find themselves doing all the jobs they forgot about before I'm willing to leave the house with them for the thing they want. My daugther wants an iPod, well, then I'll buy it, but I want her to perform with me at the next music night at my house in my jazz band. While they still get a lot of things with strings attached, I've never thought it fair that they get to extract everything they want from me while I have needs that are unmet after repeated kindness in teaching, training, begging, pleading and asking. Negotiate your way into clean movies in the house.

If that doesnt' work, settle for a separate TV room if you have room in your house. He can watch all his bad movies in there away from you if he won't cooperate on a common standard of movies that is consistently enforced.

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Guest mormonmusic

Wow I came here to get good advice. I never expected such rude, judging answers saying I'm being self righteous?! I just moved here around his family so I didn't find out this about his family until AFTER we were married

I hear this as a common theme here. People come looking for advice and then they get these questions which imply they are being hoity toity or something!! I support Hahnzee in the question, and I do agree that the tone can be far less than supportive, particularly when people post concerns about the behavior of others. Everyone wants to hold the person with the concern responsible!!!

Regarding whether she knew this about him before she married him. I would never hold anyone accountable for the things they didn't know about a spouse before they married them, provided they spent a reasonable amount of time with the person to get to know them before they got married. Why? Because you learn TONS aabout a person AFTER you marry them no matter how hard you try before marriage. This is particularly true in our LDS religion where we don't give the relationshipa whirl commonlaw.

So, hang in there with the questions Hahnzee -- and everyone -- let's stop being so judgmental!!! I see that as a common bi-product of our religion. For all of its good -- it OFTEN creates a side to people that is judging and definitely not supportive when we should be.

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From previous strings on this topic I understand that many LDS believe that R-rated movies are discouraged by church leadership. This belief is strong enough that many say they would not watch Passion of the Christ because of the rating.

So...if the movies mentioned in the OP are rated R, perhaps a calm discussion on what standard the family is going to have is needed? If they are PG-13 or lower, then perhaps this should be a matter of agency. Then, maybe hubby needs some headphones as a special present?

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One things I would have to ask the original poster, is did this issue just come up suddenly. Generally speaking when a couple meets, falls in love and marries they have already determined whether or not they are on the same pagean when it comes to values and likes or dislikes for entertainment.

If this has been oongoing even when you first knew your hhusband and his family (which seems to be the case since entire families don't usually abrupty change their value systems), then you may have a problem conveying to your husband and his family why the "bad movie watching" is a problem for you now when it was tolerated at an earlier time.

This being said though, I am thinking the problem is not so much the movie content as the lack of communication within your family in discussing what your family values are, and secondly, respecting each others beliefs and values.

appalled when someone on our Facebook said that her Mother (grandmother to her child) bought her a book called "Go to F-ing Sleep" to read to her child.

I agree about the communication issue. It seems that appropriate entertainment in the home would have been addressed before marriage. if it is a sudden thing, then maybe something else is going on. Dunno, but it seems odd to me.

btw - the "Go to F-ing Sleep" book is supposed to be for parents, not the kids. She shouldn't read it to the children.

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Wow I came here to get good advice. I never expected such rude, judging answers saying I'm being self righteous?! I just moved here around his family so I didn't find out this about his family until AFTER we were married

How long did you know your husband before marraige? He didn't swear then? Frankly I find that a little incredible. You didn't even meet his family before marraige? I find that a little incredible too.

But I'll take you at your word.

And assuming it's true, you didn't do any due diligence prior to marraige?? Didn't discuss your various interests and tastes?

I gave you good advice:;)

My good advice remains the same. You probably can't change your man. Get your own TV/DVD player.:D

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Guest FixingTheWrongs

Is his family influencing him when he is around them? If so I think you will be fighting a loosing battle. He could be getting peer pressure to behave this way.

When I got married I didn't mind seeing R movies if I thought they were good. My wife wasn't as open to seeing them but she did like and owned a few R romances(I.E. Pretty Woman). It took about a year, with no deals, negotiation or talking on our part to loose the desire to see them. It just kind of grew on us that we shouldn't see them. If your husband is in situations where he is always around people who are viewing them this won't work and trying to change him will just make things worse in your relationship. In our case we'd be watching them alone so with no source or common enjoyment we lost interest. Now when we look at a preview and see that it is R we just say thats to bad and go on to other things.

Though I think my wife would drag me to see the Twilight movies even if they were R. :D From the preview, I think this last one might be.

Edited by FixingTheWrongs

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Guest mormonmusic

Some of the Kumbayah members of this forum think I should be "supportive".

Yep, you got it.

Sorry, all I have is realistic advice.:eek:

Given harshly, such advice usually falls on deaf ears. Also, blaming the problem on lack of due diligence before marriage doesn't help much now that she's in a committed, legal relationship. All that does it make the person have regrets and cause angst.

And don't forget the old maxim "people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care", so, for many people, using a judgmental almost blaming tone tends to nullify any pearls of wisdom you may have.

And finally, to your "you should have set expectations before marriage" advice...you can't hope to identify every single situation which requires common expectations before marriage. Stuff comes up that you never would have imagined as you experience life with your spouse. Further, in my experience, people will agree to all kinds of things before marriage when it's all theoretical and they want to get the girl or their man. After marriage, you find out what they are REALLY willing to commit to. I would say the first few years of my marriage were typified by mostly broken promises in relation to the setting expectations talk before we got engaged.

I think we would all do well to temper the rabid emphasis on personal responsibility for everything and recognize that sometimes, life happens to us, delivering things we never anticipated even though we did our best to structure the terms of the relationship beforehand. And sometimes, life is just difficult.

And by the way, you can improve your circumstances at home. Negotiating is one way to do it. Also, try to live by the policy of joint agreement. Check it out at Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice.

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I agree with the other poster that said just set a good example for him. When he wants to watch movies you don't like then ask him to at least turn down the volume and go to another room and do something else. If this behavior started after you got married then maybe seeing a marriage counselor might help, maybe a counselor can help you guys communicate better and find out why he's all of a sudden acting this way.

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