Husband vs Sister: Stuck in the middle

[Backroads]

So feeling very much stuck in the middle of something right now.

Last night Husband and Sister got in a big fight after emotions boiling for a few days. There was some yelling, lots of tears, me being the mediator. There was an hours-long talk afterwards where both parties claimed to be at an understanding, but I don't think Sister is taking it as well as she claims--and frankly, I understand why.

I had a heart-to-heart with each of them and have a pretty good understanding of where both of them is coming from. I know when I first came to this forum I was full of worries about my upcoming marriage, but I don't feel I'm rehashing any of those red flags. The problem is that my husband grew up very differently--not necessarily better or worse--than my family. My family and his have very different perspectives on respect, relationships, behavior, etc. My husband and sister also have very similar hot-tempered personalities. Both are convinced they are absolutely right on the matter.

For what's it's worth, I'm a little more on my sister's side and a little more furious at my husband. But I do feel it's my duty to be there for him and I hate to be the wife who says "You're a horrible person because you upset my sister". I also don't want to be the daughter/sister who gets married and abandons her family of birth.

I know this is going to get messy at some point. I predict my mother will be contact me at some point to criticize my husband and chastise me for no being my husband's helpmeet and not listen to me when I say I'm already talking to him and saying "that's no excuse" when I attempt to explain my husband's side of the story.

What bites is that my husband and my family get along quite well 99% of the time.

I'm sorry this fell into a rant, but I'm still a newlywed and not sure how to handle such things.

[Ruck]

Two quotes of advice:

The first was advice that my wife's grandpa gave me my wedding day. This is advice for you alone. He said, "There is three rings in marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

But the second quote of advice is serious and comes from a few different people throughout my life. Remind both of them that they come from different backgrounds and were raised different ways. Both need to remember that when it comes to issues dealing with each other that they are dealing with the feelings of another person and to take that into account next time they talk. They might have to give some ground with each other, but you hate being stuck in between the two and refuse to take sides.

[beefche]

I'm confused. Why are even trying to mediate? Aren't they both adults? Why do you need to pick sides? Why would your mother get involved--it isn't as if ya'll are in grade school.

[Backroads]

I'm confused. Why are even trying to mediate? Aren't they both adults? Why do you need to pick sides? Why would your mother get involved--it isn't as if ya'll are in grade school.

Just my point. I don't think I'm taking sides... and that is kind of a crappy feeling. As far as I know, my mother isn't even aware of this.

But herein lies the problem: Sister and my mother have a very close relationship. I'm sure Sister will be saying something to her. My mother likes my husband very much, but they did have a small tiff a few months ago (nothing serious that was resolved within two hours) and I still wound up hearing about being a helpmeet. It's hardly as if I choose to involve my mother.

You hit on a good point with that, though. One of my personal issues on which I am constantly working is the fact that I'm a people-pleaser. I want everyone happy and getting along. I know I shouldn't care what anyone thinks about this issue, but I have yet to develop a strategy for such a situation as this.

[beefche]

Ok, first, you said:

For what's it's worth, I'm a little more on my sister's side and a little more furious at my husband. But I do feel it's my duty to be there for him and I hate to be the wife who says "You're a horrible person because you upset my sister". I also don't want to be the daughter/sister who gets married and abandons her family of birth.

You may say you are not taking sides to yourself, yet you are feeling there are sides to take and you've aligned your loyalty with your sister.

I do understand about being a people pleaser, since I suffer from that same malady. But, remember, nothing and no one is more important than your husband and marriage. For you to get involved and try to be mediator with your husband and your sister/mother is not a good idea at all. You are choosing to become involved and try to resolve issues that may not need resolving. It may be a matter of difference of opinions or judgments. And by placing yourself in that position, you are not at odds with your husband.

[Blocky]

Sometimes I wish I could just turn emotions off for a while. But that's not practical:P Once I was at my parents house and there was an incident in which my husband kicked my sisters dog. My sister was crying, my husband was mad, and my parents were horrified.

It was a hard situation. They couldn't even talk to each other about it because, well they didn't want to because they were mad. I'm glad to hear that your husband and sister are at least talking/arguing about it. Perhaps they'll come to an understanding and it can even strengthen their relationship.

Oh and if you're wondering about the dog incident. My sister had a very aggressive untrained miniature pinscher and it was trying to bite my kid and my sister wasn't stopping him. So, my husband went over and kicked the dog away and carried our child inside. It could have been handled better on all parts, for sure.

[Dravin]

Oh and if you're wondering about the dog incident. My sister had a very aggressive untrained miniature pinscher and it was trying to bite my kid and my sister wasn't stopping him. So, my husband went over and kicked the dog away and carried our child inside. It could have been handled better on all parts, for sure.

I'll be honest, I'm with your husband on this one. Remove the owner from the picture, you have a dog trying to bite my child. An animal trying to bite is a threat (even if it's a tiny dog, there is still a danger of infection and in the end it's threatening physical harm, I'd punt a cat too if it was threatening to scratch if it didn't run away when I went to grab my kid), punting the dog to remove it from the presence of the child so you can carry said child inside seems reasonable to me (now chasing the dog down and bludgeoning it not so much).

I'm sure Sister will be saying something to her. My mother likes my husband very much, but they did have a small tiff a few months ago (nothing serious that was resolved within two hours) and I still wound up hearing about being a helpmeet. It's hardly as if I choose to involve my mother.

I don't know the exact situation involved, but while support can be expected from a spouse they are still adults that should be able to handle interpersonal conflicts by themselves. I suppose it really depends on the situation, whether I felt if it was just simple disagreement or if it was attacks. One will trigger a protective response, the other is just life.

Edited September 6, 2011 by Dravin

[Backroads]

Thanks, y'all.

[Backroads]

Ok, first, you said:

You may say you are not taking sides to yourself, yet you are feeling there are sides to take and you've aligned your loyalty with your sister.

I do understand about being a people pleaser, since I suffer from that same malady. But, remember, nothing and no one is more important than your husband and marriage. For you to get involved and try to be mediator with your husband and your sister/mother is not a good idea at all. You are choosing to become involved and try to resolve issues that may not need resolving. It may be a matter of difference of opinions or judgments. And by placing yourself in that position, you are not at odds with your husband.

Thanks so much for this. :) You're absolutely right. I suppose I do feel that my husband was more in the wrong, but I have expressed as much to him (alone, just the two of us) and I feel we discussed that part out. Last night before going to bed I figured he's my husband, for better or for worse. I prayed about the whole thing last night and woke up with several thoughts--including I'm crazy about my husband. Your post sort of reaffirmed my thoughts, so thanks.

[beefche]

Hey, I'm great at telling other people what to do. It's a gift--just ask my husband.

[FunkyTown]

Thanks so much for this. :) You're absolutely right. I suppose I do feel that my husband was more in the wrong, but I have expressed as much to him (alone, just the two of us) and I feel we discussed that part out. Last night before going to bed I figured he's my husband, for better or for worse. I prayed about the whole thing last night and woke up with several thoughts--including I'm crazy about my husband. Your post sort of reaffirmed my thoughts, so thanks.

You could, when they try to ask your opinion on it, say "In the immortal words of The Biebs, 'I was like: Baby, baby, baby oh! Like Baby, baby, baby, no! Like baby, baby, baby oh.' - Think about it. The answer will come. He's kind of like a mini-Buddha."

[apexviper13]

Just my point. I don't think I'm taking sides... and that is kind of a crappy feeling. As far as I know, my mother isn't even aware of this.

For what's it's worth, I'm a little more on my sister's side and a little more furious at my husband

Yes, you're taking sides. You're taking your sister's side. They're both adults or at least of adult age so just staying out of it is the best thing you can do. But you're married to your husband, not your sister (lol).

[Backroads]

Yes, you're taking sides. You're taking your sister's side. They're both adults or at least of adult age so just staying out of it is the best thing you can do. But you're married to your husband, not your sister (lol).

Is it possible to support my husband as my husband and still be angry about what he did and said?

[Guest]

Is it possible to support my husband as my husband and still be angry about what he did and said?

Address it with him in private (not around your family), if you need to, then try to let it go. As far as your family goes, they- and he- need to see that you will be loyal to him, unless he did something really heinous, which he didn't. He was protecting your child. Good for him. It was your sister's responsibility to take care of her dog, and your husband's to take care of his kid. She didn't do her job, so he had to do his.

[Guest]

I know this is going to get messy at some point. I predict my mother will be contact me at some point to criticize my husband and chastise me for no being my husband's helpmeet and not listen to me when I say I'm already talking to him and saying "that's no excuse" when I attempt to explain my husband's side of the story.

.

You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.

If you want to stick up for him, explain his side. But only once. Then refuse to engage Change the subject. If that doesn't work, say something like, "I love you, Mom, and I'm not going to discuss this any more." She's injecting herself where she doesn't belong. There's no room for her in your marriage. Make your loyalty to him and your love for her clear, and then insist that she drop it. Hang up if you need to. She'll get the message eventually.

[Backroads]

Oh, the dog situation is NOT my story here, btw. That would be Blocky's.

[JudoMinja]

Is it possible to support my husband as my husband and still be angry about what he did and said?

Yes.

Let's not think about it as taking sides here... Think of it instead like this- Your husband and your sister had a disagreement. If you had absolutely no other information, there would be no issue about taking sides. It would simply be- you want everyone to be happy and to get along. Well, sometimes that won't happen. Sometimes we will disagree. That doesn't mean you are picking and choosing sides. It just means that sometimes, we as people, do not always see things the same way, and that most definitely includes married couples.

You won't always see things the same way your husband does. You will have moments where you clash, and that's okay. It is okay for you to have an opinion that differs from that of your husband. What is not okay is for that difference to drive a wedge between you. It is also not okay for you to absolutely ignore those differences and always stifle your opinion to be in "support" of your husband. There needs to be some healthy conflict. You need to address and talk about your differences and make some compromises.

Right now, this is more than just a disagreement between your sister and your husband because you got involved. You are going to form an opinion about it too, and you can't be a "third party" mediator very well because it will not be possible for you to remain emotionally distant about the situation. Your opinion is going to be at odds with at least one of the people involved, and you will just need to talk it out and smooth it over, which it sounds like you did.

So... It's okay. Things like this WILL come up again. Don't be afraid of making your own opinion known. Don't feel like you have to get involved and solve or fix everything either. If it doesn't concern you, leave it be. Let them figure it out for themselves- they're adults too . If it does concern you, speak up. Don't try to be the distant mediator. Hash out your disagreements in a healthy, constructive way and get past them so that everyone is happy and getting along again.

[Guest]

Oh, the dog situation is NOT my story here, btw. That would be Blocky's.

Oh heck, you're right. I'm sorry. I am so sleep deprived. LOL

[Guest mormonmusic]

Had a similar situation a few weeks ago, but it didnt' degenerate into tears and yelling, but did resort to disrespectful comments and behavior from my Sister-in-law, who booked herself and her kids into our house for THREE WEEKS without our permission, with no money, and nothing to do. It caused a huge fight with my son (8 years old) and my sister-in-law when their kids fought constantly. And my sister-in-law spoke to my son in ways that made me see red. My 8 year old son behaved real badly.

My solution -- get some physical distance away from the family so there isn't much interaction for a while. Let it simmer into one of those experiences. Build bridges on both sides, but stay loyal to your husband, don't talk behind his back, but be loving to your sister. I have a friend who "sees both sides" when he's caught in the middle.

You can deal with any complaints/offers to discuss it with family be referring to the position you are in -- stuck in the middle, seeing both sides, and how difficult it is to be in the middle between two people you love. That affirms both of them, and may shift the discussion into an arena where you don't have to take sides, and can be loyal to both of them.

[Backroads]

Everything exploded last night after my brother's wedding reception. I don't remember ever hurting this badly. My mother pretty much ignored me all week, then told me last night that my husband and I ruined the day for her. After my husband I and arrived home, she texted me to tell me that she and my father will not be speaking to us for awhile. They assured me of their love for me, but they say they are "disappointed" in me and my husband.

I'll say what the argument between my sister and husband was about. We went on a camping trip with my husband's teenaged brother and cousin. As I have said before, my husband and his family swear. I also find them to be wonderful people. My family and I do not swear. This caused some ill feelings. While I think all my sister wanted to do was express her distaste for swearing, she wound up treating my husband and his family horribly the entire weekend. At last, my husband told her to shut up. I am very mad he did this. My sister then kicked him so badly his leg bled. Like I said, immediately afterwards there were apologies and a talk that lasted hours. When it was just me and my husband, I expressed my feelings to him very clearly and we had a great talk.

Now my parents are saying how horrified they are at my husband for he and his family's language--even though they knew he swore before we were engaged. My mother cried last night as she talked to me and said how she always wanted better for me.

Yes, worries about my husband (then fiance) is what brought me to this forum, but I sincerely believe we resolved those issues long before the wedding.

I am taking mormonmusic's advice to heart. Maybe my parents' need distance. Maybe I need distance.

But I am hurting so badly right now. My husband had to give me a blessing this morning.

I don't exactly like my husband's langugage, but he always watches it when he is around me and my family. It is not as if he swears every other word.

But more importantly, I think there are so many more important things than to worry about than swearing. My husband and I talked about this all last night. He knows he has behaviors to work on and I know he tries. But my husband sees the good in so many people. He never judges and I think he has an eye for what is really important. In all honesty, I think my family is being judgmental. I appreciate the values they instilled into me and I follow those. But after last night I feel my parents think there is nothing more important than clean language and that nothing else matters.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong and my husband is a horrible person. But his actions have always told me otherwise. He is caring of others and has a testimony. Yes, I wish he would clean up his language anymore, but some of the finest people I have ever met swear. I work with a bishop who swears like a sailor.

Maybe this distancing will be good, but it hurt me so badly.

[Dravin]

Wait.... your sister physically attacked your husband, to the point she drew blood, over a disagreement and you were a little more on her side (going by what you said in the OP)?

[Backroads]

I agreed with her on the swearing. I also do not believe my husband had any right to tell her to shut up in the manner he did.

I have really thought about her attacking him over the past few days and the more I think about it the more upset I am with the situation. I sound horrible. It infuriates me that she drew blood, but it infuriates me that he yelled at her and told her to shut up. I think they both acted instinctively. He was tired of being nitpicked and criticized, so he yelled at her. My family doesn't yell, so I think she reacted physically.

[Dravin]

I don't care how 'correct' someone's position may have been, as soon as they physically attack* my spouse they have set themselves in opposition to me. Honestly in your shoes (same sex sibling attacks my spouse) it would have taken all my will power not to require being pulled off said sibling.

* I suppose some self-defense exception exists out there, but it's not applicable to the situation you are describing.

My family doesn't yell, so I think she reacted physically.

If the roles were reversed, if your sister yelled at your husband and he physically attacked her the cops would have been called. Was your sister at your reception? In similar circumstances she'd not have been at mine.

Edited September 10, 2011 by Dravin

[Backroads]

Dravin, thank-you so much. This is exactly what I need to hear.

[Blocky]

Oh, the dog situation is NOT my story here, btw. That would be Blocky's.

Sorry, I always have to make things more confusing:D

Hang in there. I think your parents taking a little time is good. I hope they don't become too involved because it sounds like the main two participants, your husband and sister both acted badly, both admit it and are both willing to forgive.

Swearing is NOT the end the world. If he's able to control it better around certain people, it's even less of a big deal. Him telling your sister to shut up is totally lame, but again, sometimes we get upset, emotions run high, we say things we wish we hadn't. For your sister kicking him, I understand why she did it but that's not an excuse. I hope they can still get along after this.

I understand the hurt your feeling, when people you love are fighting is a horrible feeling that can permeate your very being. Give everything time, it really will help, do something fun with your husband. Pray for peace, I'm sure glad the atonement is not only for repentance, but for support also.

Edited September 10, 2011 by Blocky