Family Issues


Ruck
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Before I start, I just want to say that its a lengthy read. If you do read it and just want to comment that my life is messed up, then right on at least I'm not the only one to think that haha. I would like your opinion personally.

In July 2008 I got married to my wife. Everybody said that I rushed the decision because I was only 19 at the time, but I had too many friends die young that I decided to live each day like my last. I fell in love with my wife and I was going to get married and get sealed. I would have my family and have them be mine forever. In Nov 2008, I was sealed. Both my marriage and my sealing seemed to be at the disapproval of my mother but she supported me. I always got the feeling that she didn't like my wife, but I felt that it was more or less the "nobody is good enough for my baby" attitude that she seemed to have towards all my other girlfriends growing up.

Well last year, my parents got a divorce. Totally shocked me. They had their problems, but they usually worked through them. Personally, in my eyes, the problems really started when she got on Facebook and started meeting friends. Then she would go on "trips" to see lost friends and family. The worst part about it was the fact that she went from Utah to Missouri for a week, getting back on the day that her first grandchild was going to be born. Luckly she was here in time to see my son born.

After my son's birth and before the divorce was final, my brother got married in a haste. He knew the girl for probably two or three months. I had no big issues with it, just I wish they knew each other a bit more. At that time, I wrote both my parents a letter about my reasons to get married and start a family. I gave them the letter along with a copy of the Proclamation to the Family. Sadly, both saw it as a reason to push my religion onto them.

My mother finally left Utah and went to live in Oklahoma with her boyfriend. My brother and his wife had a daughter, which my mother never returned to see. When people ask her why, she says that she isn't running away but just needs a new life.

My father started dating a close family friend, who was basically like my brothers and I sister. Glad he is dating but hate the fact of who it is. We work together, and when I ask to borrow his truck to take something to the dump or borrow a tool to get a home project done he says no. When my wife's family offers to help, he gets offended that I didn't ask him even after times I have.

The worst of it all is my father adopted my brother and I when we was around 6 and 7 years old. Our biological father was abusive, on drugs, and basically worthless. He has come around to all his kids he has fathered to ask for forgiveness. All the brothers (4 in total) have forgave him except me. I still have major issues with how he left us, and just the various rumors I hear. Also, I know I must forgive him, as Christ would have, but it is something that will take time and I have to work towards. Anyways, my brother has now returned to talking to him, calls him Dad, has his kids calling him Grandpa, and talks about how great he is.

Its sad to say but my family has been torn apart. My son hasn't seen his grandma since he was 5 months old. My neice hasn't seen her grandma ever. My brother and Dad don't talk to each other because of my brother going back to the other guy. Situations around my Dad and his new girlfriend is just ackward. My mother's boyfriend wants me to be friends with him, when I have no real desire to know the guy.

In my Patriarchal Blessing it says to be an example to my family but how do I go forward doing that? I have talked to my Bishop and he gave me the letter idea. But other than that, he just talks about how big of a heartache that must be and to keep being an example to my family.

There is no real person to blame it on, but I keep looking for answers to question I don't know to ask. I guess I am looking for how to move forward from here. Any advice will be appreciated.

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In your shoes, I'd try to avoid the drama as much as possible and focus on your immediate family (wife and baby). Practice being polite, for those times when you can't avoid those who will try to start stuff.

Do you and your brother live near enough to get together often? What's your wife's family like? I'd focus energy on those relationships that work.

It's painful when family members don't do what one would expect from them. That said, what can you do but move forward with your life? It's important to acknowledge the sadness of it, but not to remain "stuck" there.

My kids have some grandparents they've never met - while they're curious why (what can I say? They don't care to come see you?), that "hole" is filled with aunties and uncles and cousins, and the other grandparents.

We readily preach the ideal, but reality is often more complicated and messier. Best wishes to you as you move forward.

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In my Patriarchal Blessing it says to be an example to my family but how do I go forward doing that?

...

I guess I am looking for how to move forward from here.

Advice: Stop being your parent's kid/counselor/baggage carrier, and focus on being your wife's husband, and your child's father.

Sitting back and watching melodrama is far superior to being involved in it. You want to be the good example? Be the island of calm in the sea of chaos. Have your marriage succeed. Reach your 5, 10, 15, 20 year anniversaries.

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Be a good example to the family that you are patriarch of. Be an example of making a family work, in spite of coming from dysfunction.

My parents were both 19 when they got married. They both came from families with problems. They didn't have 2 nickels to rub together, but they had each other. They made each other the most important, and when the kids came along, they raised us to love each other, work hard, serve those around us, and love Heavenly Father, mostly by their example. We didn't have a lot of material things, but my upbringing was rich in the Gospel, in music, in fun things, laughter, hard work, and love. All nine of us are happily married. I'm the youngest and I've been very happily married for almost 13 years, largely to the credit of my parents' example. I'm so thankful to them for putting aside what they learned growing up, moving away from the drama, and being determined that their family would be different. And we are. I have the best family in the world. I hope I can give that to my kids, too.

It can be done. Emotionally leave your parents and their craziness, cleave to your wife and children, and build the kind of family you want for them. That's the best way you can set an example.

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In your shoes, I'd try to avoid the drama as much as possible and focus on your immediate family (wife and baby). Practice being polite, for those times when you can't avoid those who will try to start stuff.

Do you and your brother live near enough to get together often? What's your wife's family like? I'd focus energy on those relationships that work.

It's painful when family members don't do what one would expect from them. That said, what can you do but move forward with your life? It's important to acknowledge the sadness of it, but not to remain "stuck" there.

My kids have some grandparents they've never met - while they're curious why (what can I say? They don't care to come see you?), that "hole" is filled with aunties and uncles and cousins, and the other grandparents.

We readily preach the ideal, but reality is often more complicated and messier. Best wishes to you as you move forward.

My brother use to live a few streets down from us but he is moving out of the state. As for my wife's family, most of them live 30 minutes away except her parents and they are all over the world since her Dad is in the Navy.

Thanks for the advice I was given already by everybody. A part of me feels like I need to take it upon myself to fix everything but I just didn't know how to go about doing that. Maybe somethings aren't suppose to be fixed.

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Ah, the "fix it" mentality. It is a wonderful quality- to have the desire to make everyone's lives good and wonderful. However, it can also result in some major problems when we let it run rampant. Mainly, you will find yourself dealing with feelings of depression, anxiety, and unwarranted guilt. There are some things we just cannot fix. They are not in our control. We have to be able to recognize when something is not in our control to change, when it is not our responsibility and it is okay to let go.

My mother suffers from a very strong "fix it" mentality. She tries every way she can to make everyone's lives perfect and fix all their problems. She is so plagued by this mentality that even when just seeking a confidant or wanting to talk through a problem, she feels she has to fix it. If people around her are feeling upset, anxious, or like things aren't going right, she feels that it is her fault and she needs to fix it. A small example- a few days ago I was at "grandma's" house to spend some time with the family and help watch my nephews. Things were pretty hectic and scattered, and my mother hadn't had a chance to prepare dinner for everyone. When my two-year-old went in the kitchen to look for something to eat and I was trying to pry away from helping my nephew with his homework to help my son, I asked "Are you hungry?" And my mom immediately started apologizing and sounding frustrated because she had not made dinner. Ergo- she thought it was HER fault my son was hungry because she didn't make dinner yet, and she had to do something to fix it.

The thing is it wasn't her fault, and it wasn't her responsibility to fix it either. While this is something that can be easily addressed with little problems, it is very difficult to do so when you are dealing with much larger problems. We have some drama going on with our family too. There are a lot of things my mom thinks she has to fix... but these are things that are just out of her control.

Look at your own situations and try to simplify them. What is your responsibility? What are you in control of? What can you affect and change? Anything else is out of bounds and something you need to "let go" of. The happiness of your family members is under the control of each of those individuals. Not you. The way they live their lives is based on their choices. Not yours. You can't make things all better. They have to figure it out for themselves.

Being an example is sometimes all we are capable of doing. Do what you know is right, take responsibility for those things that are under your stewardship (your wife and children), offer kind words and advice when your family wants to talk to you, and that's really all you can do. Tink about it in respect to the big picture too- God gave us our agency. He knew we would misuse it and make mistakes. If he came in and "fixed" all our problems for us, we wouldn't be able to learn and grow from them. He wants us to find our own way through our own decisions. He doesn't want to force us down the correct path. It has to be our choice.

So it is with you and your family. If you were capable of "fixing" all their problems and did so, what would happen? They would just create more problems for themselves because they didn't learn anything. Case and point- my older brother is terrible with his finances. He keeps getting himself into debt and binds where he cannot afford his bills. When he gets in these rough spots, he goes to our mom and she bails him out. Then what happens? He ends up having the same problem all over again. It wasn't really "fixed". It's just being perpetuated, because he isn't learning from his mistakes and changing his decisions to get a better outcome. Some day, he's going to end up in a bind mom can't fix for him, and then he is going to HAVE to learn how to deal with it on his own.

It's okay that your family is having problems. I think everyone has someone close to them going through some kind of drama if they are not going through drama themselves. It's going to happen. It is the result of our mistakes and not so good choices. Just recognize what you can and cannot control and do what you can. Fixing the world is a very very slow process, because it involves much more than just cleaning up the consequences. It involves changing the mindset of those creating their own problems so that they will make better choices. That takes time, patience, gentle persuasion, kindness, love, compassion, understanding, discipline, and motivation. It also means we have to focus on ourselves quite a bit, because it is our own choices that we have control over, and we just have to hope that we make the best choices we can and that others will learn from our example.

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Not much to add. Just want to add my voice to the "it's time to focus on your wife and kid" It's hard but sometimes you have to let go and just do what you can. Right now that's all you can do.

And don't feel to bad, lot's of families are messed up. Oh the stories I could tell if I were inclined to air dirty laundry. lol

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