What do I do?

[photogirl]

My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years and we have a beautiful little girl. Yesterday, I asked my husband why he doesn't talk/text me anymore when we first got together/married [not the first time I've asked either]. He responded by saying, we have nothing to talk about.

I am devastated. I couldn't get out of bed until 2pm [and yes I know I should be taking care of our child, but he didn't have to go to work until 3]. I can't even think about what he said without crying. I am not a cryer.

I haven't been happy for some time now, and now to hear this, I don't know what to do.

We are planning on getting sealed in December [which has been a long time coming, but it's hard to get him to church, we've both been members for our entire lives] but now, I'm thinking we're not even friends so what is the point of getting sealed?

We hardly talk. He comes home from his job and gets on the computer or the phone with one of his bandmates or friends who play Star Wars mini's and that's that. Then we go to bed.

I try to talk to him and start conversations but he answers with yes, no, maybe, i don't know, I guess, uh huh, etc. Or just one sentence that ends the conversation.

What should I do?!

[NeuroTypical]

He responded by saying, we have nothing to talk about.

I am devastated. I couldn't get out of bed until 2pm [and yes I know I should be taking care of our child, but he didn't have to go to work until 3]. I can't even think about what he said without crying. I am not a cryer.

So, how often do you get devastated and can't get up the next morning based on something your husband says? Just guessing here, but if the two of you have communication issues like that, he's probably avoiding communicating. Six words and you can't get up until 2pm the next day? And you were supposed to be taking care of your kid? That seems a bit extreme...

Would it be possible to hear his side of this story? I'm guessing that's the only way to have us give good valid advice.

[Bini]

I haven't been happy for some time now, and now to hear this, I don't know what to do.

May I ask why you were unhappy prior to this incident occuring? Sounds like there is much more to this story than what has been unfolded. If you haven't already done so, have a sit down with your husband and share your feelings. There have been times in my marriage where I've felt that my husband hasn't been on the same page as me and I can't figure out why. Then I'm reminded, after having a heart-to-heart with him, that he's not a mind-reader. Sometimes these things can be resolved merely by communicating as opposed to keeping it swept underneath the rug. If you've tried talking with him and it hasn't made much difference, have you considered consulting your bishop for guidance?

[photogirl]

So, how often do you get devastated and can't get up the next morning based on something your husband says? Just guessing here, but if the two of you have communication issues like that, he's probably avoiding communicating. Six words and you can't get up until 2pm the next day? And you were supposed to be taking care of your kid? That seems a bit extreme...

Would it be possible to hear his side of this story? I'm guessing that's the only way to have us give good valid advice.

Quite frequently when my husband says things of this caliber. It's devastating to have your only friend to tell you that he has nothing to say to you. I said, I should have been taking care of her, but he was there taking care of her before he left for work, so it's not that extreme. He can take care of her for a few hours.

It's not avoiding conversation. He says he has nothing to talk about with me. He says he already knows everything so there's nothing more to say.

And no, there's not really a possibility of hearing his side of the story. Sorry my info isn't enough for some guidance.

ETA: I don't lie in bed all the time. This is the first time. It's been a really long time that I've been sad, so I'm SUPER upset about it and I am at a loss. I don't really know what else I can do to make it better.

Edited September 14, 2011 by photogirl

[photogirl]

May I ask why you were unhappy prior to this incident occuring? Sounds like there is much more to this story than what has been unfolded. If you haven't already done so, have a sit down with your husband and share your feelings. There have been times in my marriage where I've felt that my husband hasn't been on the same page as me and I can't figure out why. Then I'm reminded, after having a heart-to-heart with him, that he's not a mind-reader. Sometimes these things can be resolved merely by communicating as opposed to keeping it swept underneath the rug. If you've tried talking with him and it hasn't made much difference, have you considered consulting your bishop for guidance?

I've been unhappy because I don't have any family or friends that I can speak with on a regular basis. I have one friend but she is not a member and she would not understand the WHOLE deal just parts. So I can't really go to her for advice or comfort.

I moved to his town when we got married and I don't know anyone here. But I don't need a lot of social interaction. I'm a bit socially awkward.

I've sat down with him several times since I've been feeling sad and down, and sometimes I feel as though we've made progress, but then the next day I'm down again because it seems he's forgotten everything we've talked about.

I've thought about talking to my bishop and I even mention marriage counseling a few months ago, but we've/I've done neither.

It's hard for me to talk about it because it makes me really upset and I hate crying in front of people. But obviously, it needs to be done.

We're not on the same page and he's more interested in getting gigs for his band or promoting it online all day than sitting down and talking about us.

I just wanted some advice on what I could do to make it better. Because I don't know what else I can do from what I've been doing everyday.

[Bini]

Quite frequently when my husband says things of this caliber. It's devastating to have your only friend to tell you that he has nothing to say to you. I said, I should have been taking care of her, but he was there taking care of her before he left for work, so it's not that extreme. He can take care of her for a few hours.

It's not avoiding conversation. He says he has nothing to talk about with me. He says he already knows everything so there's nothing more to say.

And no, there's not really a possibility of hearing his side of the story. Sorry my info isn't enough for some guidance.

Here's another idea.

How about doing a date-night once a week? It doesn't have to be fancy. Plan a movie and make dinner reservations. Hubby and I always have things to talk about after catching a movie at the cinema. We'll critique it and tell each other what we liked or didn't like about the plot. A date-night is a great way to enrich a marriage. So maybe think about some "couple activities" you could get involved in. Make some new memories and new conversation is sure to arise.

[Bini]

I've been unhappy because I don't have any family or friends that I can speak with on a regular basis. I have one friend but she is not a member and she would not understand the WHOLE deal just parts. So I can't really go to her for advice or comfort.

I moved to his town when we got married and I don't know anyone here. But I don't need a lot of social interaction. I'm a bit socially awkward.

I've sat down with him several times since I've been feeling sad and down, and sometimes I feel as though we've made progress, but then the next day I'm down again because it seems he's forgotten everything we've talked about.

I've thought about talking to my bishop and I even mention marriage counseling a few months ago, but we've/I've done neither.

It's hard for me to talk about it because it makes me really upset and I hate crying in front of people. But obviously, it needs to be done.

We're not on the same page and he's more interested in getting gigs for his band or promoting it online all day than sitting down and talking about us.

I just wanted some advice on what I could do to make it better. Because I don't know what else I can do from what I've been doing everyday.

OK I'm following you. I would still encourage you to consult your bishop for guidance. I'm a very private person too and don't easily open up to people, so I can understand where you're coming from. Sometimes it helps having a mediator in situations like this, someone who is unbiased and doesn't take one side or another.

[Jennarator]

Ask how his day was at work? Ask him questions that might start a conversation. Not that you need to make it sound like you are giving him the third degree, but just as you make breakfast or dinner, or get ready for bed. When he gets home home from work greet him like you have missed him.

I know these things sound like you are putting him ahead of you, but hopefully he will do the same back to you, at some point.

How about taking about interesting things your daughter does during the day?

Ask him who or what types of things he is voting for of an election is coming up. Ask if he heard about such and such on the news.

I like the movie idea, too. It can be fun to talk about or even mock a movie. :)

[photogirl]

Ask how his day was at work? Ask him questions that might start a conversation. Not that you need to make it sound like you are giving him the third degree, but just as you make breakfast or dinner, or get ready for bed. When he gets home home from work greet him like you have missed him.

I know these things sound like you are putting him ahead of you, but hopefully he will do the same back to you, at some point.

How about taking about interesting things your daughter does during the day?

Ask him who or what types of things he is voting for of an election is coming up. Ask if he heard about such and such on the news.

I like the movie idea, too. It can be fun to talk about or even mock a movie. :)

I know you said hopefully he'll do the same back, but my husband is not a very considerate person. He's very vain and self centered. He's told me the entire time I've known him that he is the best looking person ever and that there is no way that I'm better looking than he is. I know, in a way he is only joking, but he's probably told me a grand total of 10 times that he thinks I'm pretty, but then he adds, not prettier than he is.

I know I'm making him sound like a complete loser, but he's really not. When he's doing the right things, he's very kind and compassionate and everyone loves him, but when he puts his band and other agendas over the church and his family, he tends to be a bit of a jerk.

I'm not entirely saying no to your idea and I may even try it, but it's hard when I realize he may never reciprocate the kindness.

[and yes I'm aware we're supposed to be kind without expecting someone else to be kind to you. But you have to understand he's basically my best friend and the only person whom I am comfortable talking to about anything. So it's hard to be best friends with someone who had nothing to say to you and won't show the same respect you show them]

[Jennarator]

My only other suggestion, go to counsling without him. SOunds like he won't go. If he will, great!

[photogirl]

My only other suggestion, go to counsling without him. SOunds like he won't go. If he will, great!

Well when I asked if he'd go with me a few months ago he looked stunned and said, well I thought we were fine. But he agreed to go with me if I wanted him to. We just never have been.

But it makes me feel like I'm being delusional about our relationship if he really thinks we are fine.

[Jennarator]

You opinion of where the relationship is just as important as his. Perhaps the counsler can get him to talk.....even just a little. Good luck!

[skippy740]

Uhhh... welcome to married life?

Amazon.com: The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (9781886941977): Melissa C. Orlov: Books

I just finished this book because I have ADD. One of the areas it talks about is how much focus and attention happens in the beginning of a relationship... but as the 'newness' wears out... it becomes "status quo" and finds other areas for mental stimulation.

I'm not saying he has ADD. However, it is a common thing that happens.

Based SOLELY on your original post, I would **HIGHLY** recommend getting and reading this book.

[Guest Godless]

But it makes me feel like I'm being delusional about our relationship if he really thinks we are fine.

No, it means that he doesn't fully grasp how much this situation is affecting you. You need to send him a clear message to let him know that you're not happy and that something needs to change. If you feel that he's spending too much time with his band, then tell him so. Try to get him as committed to the marriage as you are.

edit: Skippy's right, it may just be that the cutesie lovey-dovey aspect of your marriage has faded away. It happens. Heck, it's happened to me before (in a relationship, not a marriage) It's not the end of the world so long as you and your husband are able to work through this rather than allow it to tear you apart.

Edited September 15, 2011 by Godless

[photogirl]

Uhhh... welcome to married life?

Amazon.com: The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (9781886941977): Melissa C. Orlov: Books

I just finished this book because I have ADD. One of the areas it talks about is how much focus and attention happens in the beginning of a relationship... but as the 'newness' wears out... it becomes "status quo" and finds other areas for mental stimulation.

I'm not saying he has ADD. However, it is a common thing that happens.

Based SOLELY on your original post, I would **HIGHLY** recommend getting and reading this book.

He doesn't have ADD. It's more of a selfish problem.

And I really don't want my marriage to be like this, so no, no welcome to marriage life. I want more.

[skippy740]

Get the book.

I didn't say that he had to have ADD for you to benefit from the book.

(It is possible that he has undiagnosed ADD.)

I never knew how much my ADD affected my marriage until I read this book. And until then, I never knew how selfish my actions could be seen and perceived.

Please, get the book. It WILL help - both you and him.

Edit: BTW, with 40 reviews and 35 of them being 5-star reviews (and 0 1-star reviews)... you ought to just read the reviews to get a feel of what's covered in the book.

Edited September 15, 2011 by skippy740

[photogirl]

No, it means that he doesn't fully grasp how much this situation is affecting you. You need to send him a clear message to let him know that you're not happy and that something needs to change. If you feel that he's spending too much time with his band, then tell him so. Try to get him as committed to the marriage as you are.

edit: Skippy's right, it may just be that the cutesie lovey-dovey aspect of your marriage has faded away. It happens. Heck, it's happened to me before (in a relationship, not a marriage) It's not the end of the world so long as you and your husband are able to work through this rather than allow it to tear you apart.

I've sent VERY clear messages and he says, there is nothing more I can do for you.

This is not first time thing. This has been going on for quite a while. I've tried many things. I've tried sitting down and telling him how I feel and how I see things [i.e. he spends too much time with other things, rather than with his family, etc] and he gets defensive and starts pointing fingers at me. [which I take FULL responsibility for my actions and I even begin conversations by saying I don't do this, I don't do that etc.]

We've never been cutesy, etc. I'm not a very romantic person and never have been. I don't like cutesy stuff. He doesn't have to be 'in love' with me, but I would like if he would love me as his partner and mother to his child and to show that love.

[photogirl]

Get the book.

I didn't say that he had to have ADD for you to benefit from the book.

(It is possible that he has undiagnosed ADD.)

I never knew how much my ADD affected my marriage until I read this book. And until then, I never knew how selfish my actions could be seen and perceived.

Please, get the book. It WILL help - both you and him.

I will look it up. Thank you.

[skippy740]

By

William Heflin (Bethesda, MD USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (Paperback)

What I found to be especially helpful about this book are Ms. Orlov's insights about how couples misinterpret the symptoms of ADHD. For example, the author describes how an ADHD spouse who isn't being properly treated can appear to be uncaring and preoccupied with matters that take attention away from home and family.

Ms. Orlov explains that the non-ADHD spouse often reacts to this by feeling unloved.

These feelings lead to further misunderstandings.

When all of this falls on the heels of a very passionate courtship (that wonderful ADHD ability to hyper-focus) both partners are left wondering where they went wrong.

"The ADHD Effect on Marriage" explains in very concrete terms how this cycle of action, reaction and reaction to the reaction can wreak havoc on a marriage. Ms. Orlov offers her expertise and advice without laying blame. Her approach is balanced. The book is easy to read, with lots of examples. I highly recommend it to anyone interested in improving a relationship effected by ADHD.

If this review describes you at all, you'll find this book to be a real eye-opener. It was for me.

[ChooseTheSun]

It's devastating to have your only friend to tell you that he has nothing to say to you.

Maybe a good place to start is getting some friends? I don't know any guy/husband who'd want to be their lady's only social contact. Staying in bed and crying for hours may be dramatic, but it won't make him pay more attention to you -- it may have the opposite effect. Also, if counseling is a passive way to get him to pay more attention to you, or to get the therapist to take your side and plead your case to him, it will backfire for sure. If you are that sensitive to rejection, life will be pretty difficult, especially when baby grows up. What about for every minute you spend mentally critiquing him, spend five looking at yourself and the role you play in the marital dynamics? The alternative is to dwell in righteous anger all the way to divorce court.

[photogirl]

Maybe a good place to start is getting some friends? I don't know any guy/husband who'd want to be their lady's only social contact. Staying in bed and crying for hours may be dramatic, but it won't make him pay more attention to you -- it may have the opposite effect. Also, if counseling is a passive way to get him to pay more attention to you, or to get the therapist to take your side and plead your case to him, it will backfire for sure. If you are that sensitive to rejection, life will be pretty difficult, especially when baby grows up. What about for every minute you spend mentally critiquing him, spend five looking at yourself and the role you play in the marital dynamics? The alternative is to dwell in righteous anger all the way to divorce court.

Okay.

I'm not that sensitive to rejection. But when it happens every day from someone you love it has an effect. [and since when is it okay to be repeatedly rejected by your spouse?] I moved to a town that is basically off the map for him. I don't make friends here because I'm really selective with who are my friends. Call me snooty, but I don't make friends just so I have something to do. And also, 90% of the population here are over 60 or do drugs constantly. Not exactly a large choice of friends. [i do have friends that live 2 hours away, but I really don't want to speak unkindly of my husband. He really is a great person. I do not think it wise to speak of his faults to his mother or my family or to people who are biased.]

Counseling is not a passive way to get him to pay me more attention. This is not a pity party. My husband does not talk to me at all. About anything. That's not a marriage. We are strangers. I didn't come here for people to feel sorry for me. I came here for advice on what to do because I have run out of options.

And he doesn't know I've been crying. I don't make a spectacle of myself.

[Delanie]

I second the idea of counseling... if only for yourself. YOU need an opportunity to be heard.

Can I ask what your relationship was like as you dated? How long was your courtship?

[photogirl]

I second the idea of counseling... if only for yourself. YOU need an opportunity to be heard.

Can I ask what your relationship was like as you dated? How long was your courtship?

We dated for 3 months and were engaged for 3 months. So not very long, but I knew him before we dated for 6-8 months before hand.

So not very long, but I KNEW I was supposed to marry him.

[Blocky]

First off, I can without a doubt see how that would be very disturbing to hear and really hurt your feelings. I'm pretty sure my reaction 5 years ago would have been the exact same.

Today though, my reaction would be different. Our marriage took a turn for the better the moment I decided to really focus and work on who I wanted to be as a person. By this I mean I made sure I did the things that were important to me. I worked on my relationship with Heavenly Father, I got better at things I wanted to know how to do, etc. Before I spent a lot of time feeling worried, anxious or overly concerned about my husbands problems and it left me feeling empty and hollow and with no energy for anything important. I never stopped loving him, and I have always enjoyed doing things for him. I didn't forget him to focus on myself. This wasn't a matter of ignoring him and it all being about me. It was a matter of me not worrying about his choices (too much computer, not very nice with me, didn't seem to want to be around me, etc) and worried about my own.

I began to like who I was more, and my husband wanted to be around me more because I was like how I used to be. More positive, carefree, less emotionally controlling. This may be the totally opposite of your situation, but I'm just letting you know how it was for me. I spent so much time thinking about things that bothered me that it just wiped me out and it was ridiculous.

Going to a counselor for myself and then as a couple was a great thing, also. I had some ideas about 'how things are' there were simply not correct. I didn't have a very good idea of how to deal with situations that weren't going to have the results that I wanted. My husband also didn't always deal with things in a 'healthy' manner. When he'd feel stressed, bored or judged he'd automatically tune out. Becoming aware of these bad habits made it so we could change it. We're happier than ever. Now, if my husband said that to me, well, I wouldn't get to the point where I was nagging (he probably sees it that way) about talking to me. I know how to let him know what's I'd like and what's important to me, and he usually obliges because he likes to see me happy. When he doesn't, I don't take it personally. In essence, I respect his agency.

I hope things get better for you. If you're like me, I'd advise you not to talk about it when you're upset, because nothing ever gets solved when I'm upset. Maybe there's couples out there who when they get in a heated argument things get resolved, but that's not me! When I'm feeling 'emotional' I try to bring in some humor. Best of luck!

[FunkyTown]

This is something I've seen before.

I want you to stop for a moment and think about the last conversation you had with him.

What was it?

If it was "So and so got in to the peanut butter." "She pooped her pants." "She cried and cried today. It was so hard!" then maybe... And don't take this the wrong way... Maybe he's right and you really have nothing to talk about.

What you need to do is try to find something to talk about. Learn to dance. Get a hobby. Take a class from the university in photography(Which I would assume you're interested in based on what your name is). Read a book. Study ancient philosophy. Learn to play an instrument. Join a choir.

I'm not condoning what your husband said, but you can't change him. You can only change yourself. If you have nothing interesting to talk about, then find something.

When you first get in to this, he'll be a little upset. You've always been there for him on his terms. Now, you'll be out doing something which means you won't always be available. It will drive him crazy in a bad way, and then it will drive him crazy in a good way as he sees the new you.

I've been unhappy because I don't have any family or friends that I can speak with on a regular basis. I have one friend but she is not a member and she would not understand the WHOLE deal just parts. So I can't really go to her for advice or comfort.

I moved to his town when we got married and I don't know anyone here. But I don't need a lot of social interaction. I'm a bit socially awkward.

I've sat down with him several times since I've been feeling sad and down, and sometimes I feel as though we've made progress, but then the next day I'm down again because it seems he's forgotten everything we've talked about.

I've thought about talking to my bishop and I even mention marriage counseling a few months ago, but we've/I've done neither.

It's hard for me to talk about it because it makes me really upset and I hate crying in front of people. But obviously, it needs to be done.

We're not on the same page and he's more interested in getting gigs for his band or promoting it online all day than sitting down and talking about us.

I just wanted some advice on what I could do to make it better. Because I don't know what else I can do from what I've been doing everyday.