My friend is homosexual

[RioDeJeneiro]

I have been friends with him for 8 years, since 6th grade. We are 2 days apart in age. He is like a brother to me.

I am an active member in the church and I am going on my mission january to Rio De Jeneiro portuguese speaking.

My friend is very contrary to the gospel. I used to smoke pot with him in highschool but cleaned myself up and no longer take part in that, and I have made this clear with him. He chose to still use drugs and he got into harder drugs like cocaine and exstacy, and goes out to bars and drinks, slept around with a few girls, and also has a pornography and masturbation addiction. I know all of these things because I have been his friend for a very long time.

I gave my input and exhorted him to not do these things and I do not want him to bring it around me, and he did his best to, but I got used to it. I tried sharing the gospel many times and his heart was so hard, the devil had his hooks in him that it never was a positive or learning experience for him.

He also abuses prescription medications, and this past weekend, he had a mental breakdown. He smoked a lot of pot combined with not sleeping for 2 days combined with prescription drugs where he had to be checked into a mental institute for a few days.

He now believes he is gay and this is a very hard thing for me to hear. It took every once of will not to break down and start sobbing in front of him, it is a severe blow to me. I love him so much, and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything better. I am getting the elders to come over today to give him a blessing, and I hope and pray to god for a miracle.

How should I handle my friend, Should I voice my opinion?

My opinion is, he is not gay, it is the drugs. He is so wrapped up in himself, like everything is about him and how screwed up he is. How can he have a normal loving relationship with a girl when he is addicted to drugs, masturbation, and pornography? Should I talk to him about this. This is so hard for me, all the while I thank the lord for this experience, because even though this is a trial, I understand this will refine me and make me a better person.

Please help me, if you have any similar experiences with a friend or relative or children coming out to you that they are gay and how you handled it and what the outcome is, please share because I have never had to directly deal with homosexuality with someone who is such a big part in my life.

HELP

[pam]

I have a son who is gay and has made some horrible decisions in his life. Enough so that he is sitting in jail right now.

However, he is still my son and I still love him to pieces. I just don't like some of the decisions that he is made. So my love for him hasn't dwindled. In fact in some ways it may have grown because I realize that because of drugs, some of his decisions were based on his need for that. I realize that he needs support and love to change his life.

Don't give up on your friend.

[beefche]

Yes, don't give up, but realize you can't change him. He has to want to change and make the effort himself. Honestly, I'm more concerned about the drugs and addictions than the homosexuality. As an addict, he is living only for his next hit (whether that is drugs or sexual). Until he is ready to make the effort, there is nothing you can do other than love him.

[ADoyle90815]

If you consider yourself a Christian who follows what Christ taught, you would love your friend unconditionally. I'm not being mean when saying that, but things like this are why some antis say that the LDS church hates homosexuals. I would only be concerned about his drug addiction as someone who is sick with the disease of addiction will do whatever it takes to get their next fix, regardless of any consequences.

[ldsz]

Hello Rio!

Congrats on your mission! That is awesome! Brazil is a great place to serve for sure!

I can relate to you in a way. I had a friend who is a member of the church who chose to be gay. It was strange for me because we would always talk about where we wanted to serve our missions, how awesome it was going to be to one day to go to the temple and marry there, and a bunch more super spiritual discussions. We even talked about what girls we liked or wanted to date! I don't know what happened... After graduating from high school, I suspect he had made friends with the wrong people and before I knew it he was gay and moved to California (I live in the midwest) and inactive. That really made me scratch my head. He is back in Ohio now but I rarely see him. He has changed so much.

I would agree with the previous two posts that he really is the one who has to what to change. For me, for any nonmember or inactive that I have encountered, I just strive to be the best example I can be and never to let my guard down.

I wish the best for you.

[LittleWyvern]

I would remain close to your friend and set a good, strong, and consistent (but not judgmental!) example for him. Accept your friend for who he is and help him as much as you can without lowering your own standards. Be there for him, and he will see that there's a better set of choices out there. Make sure he knows that you are somebody he can go to when things start collapsing around him for good advice and support. At the same time, though, don't act as an enabler for his bad habits: make sure he knows that you're there for him if he needs you but you're not somebody who holds all the "get out of jail free" cards. As far as his spiritual journey goes I think those things will help him tremendously.

[RioDeJeneiro]

Thank all of you for your advice, I really needed some. I have told him many times that I love him and even had a discussion after his blessing from the elders about somethings. Not much good came of it and I tried to explain what the priesthood is and why it is important to have authority to do such ordinances, but he really did not understand. He kinda sees everything as weird new age spiritual stuff, like he accepts it cause its "good energy" but, I feel like I just cast pearls before swine.

He knows he needs to stop using drugs and he is going to get counseling and go to a rehab clinic. I just can not help but to feel sad. I can not imagine what it would be like to not know that you can have a relationship with god and call upon him for help when you are faced with opposition. Even more so, I feel I could have been a better example and I feel partially responsible for the path my friend has taken. I feel like the devil has won one more soul and he is laughing in my face like "look here is your best friend and he is mine and I have complete power over him". I am very scared for him, I feel like I am the major source of good influence in his life and I am leaving for two years. I am scared when I return he will be so screwed up he will not even be the same person anymore. I beg heavenly father to have mercy upon him, because he does not know what he is doing. He does not know the magnitude of his sins.

How does homosexuality fit in with the church?

Where will people like my friend eric go in the after life? people who sin unknowingly

He is not interested in the church at all, but I feel like all of his willpower is gone and the devil has complete control over him.

Can there ever be a point in someones life where they have become so addicted and so screwed up in the head that they have basically zero willpower?

I just feel like crying about it mostly, it hurts. I want him to follow christ and receive knowledge and the blessings that come with studying the scriptures.

[LittleWyvern]

To borrow a way of thinking from one of my mission companions, sometimes people just have to hit rock bottom before they will change. But, far from being a bad thing, it is an amazing thing. Who is that rock that we hit? That Rock is Christ. Somehow, someway your friend will make that realization, either by observing the contrast between you and him or hitting his own rock bottom. Sometimes we have to be very low before Christ can build us back up again. But a building started the right way from the foundations will be a strong building indeed.

[pam]

I believe as well, that some have to hit rock bottom before they begin to get it.

[ldsz]

Same-Gender Attraction - LDS Newsroom

to answer your first question as to how it fits in the church

[shine7]

I know what you mean about just feeling like crying and what you want for your friend.

May I say that your example and sticking with your choices will be HUGE to him even if you don't know that or see it right now. The best thing you can do for him besides praying everyday for him, is that you are living close to Christ.

My best friend from high school is now lesbian. I love her like my right foot.....she is a dear dear friend, we are so close. When she told me her choice, I said: Friend, I will always love you like a sister.....your choice will never change that ever......but please know that I personally will not agree with what you are doing. Nevertheless, you will always have my love and support as the dear friends we are. I can't change her mind for her, but she has since then, confided times when she wonders if her decision was based on possible sexual abuse from her dad.....I just listen, care, love.

Edited September 19, 2011 by shine7

[RMGuy]

I think the answer to your question is in the first two words of your post.......

My Friend......

If that part is true, does the rest of it matter? Any of it?

Every one of my friends has problems and issues....every single one of them, and here's the thing. So do I. I'm grateful that they still love me and care for me.

I think you can share with him what you think and feel, but you need to make sure that you are sharing, not actively trying to change him. That needs to come from somewhere else. Inside himself, the spirit, etc We change when we want to....not when others make us. Remember it is the adversary that believes in force, manipulation, and conditions.

Your answer in my humble opinion was already discovered when you said the words...."my friend"

-RM

[Spartan117]

I just feel like crying about it mostly, it hurts. I want him to follow christ and receive knowledge and the blessings that come with studying the scriptures.

You can encourage and help your friend only as much as he will listen. It is one thing to grieve for your friend, and pray for the best for him. But be careful you don't get so involved that his wins become your wins, and his loses become your loses. Be the example of the things you want your friend to see about the Savior, the scriptures, and the church. And don't forget the best you're going to get out of this situation is he is going to choose for himself. In fact that is the only outcome to this situation, no matter what you do.

[cooling]

I'm not trying to be confrontational, but it does bother me to hear everyone saying, "They CHOSE to be gay." While the jury is still out on whether homosexuality is genetic or based on early childhood experience or both, the only choice in the matter is whether to act on those desires or not. Your gay friend can choose to accept his sexuality or he can choose to try and fight it. If he's not a member of the church and thus doesn't consider same sex attraction to be a sin then there's no reason at all for him to fight it. It definitely sounds like he needs support and friendship, but please don't treat him like he decided to be gay because his life was in a downward spiral. It's possible your friend is bisexual, but if he's strictly gay then the pressure of trying to deny who he is might have been a major factor in his turning to drugs in the first place.

While I personally don't agree with the church's stance on homosexuality, I absolutely respect your right to feel the way you do about it. Just please, don't think that someone just wakes up and chooses to be gay the way someone can wake up and decide to start drinking or smoking pot. I had two gay friends in high school who tried to kill themselves (one succeeded) and it was because they were trying so hard to CHOOSE to be straight and it just wasn't possible. The amount of fear and self-loathing that your average gay teenager goes through is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Whatever your religious views on his sexuality, telling him it's wrong and it's a choice will just make him want to distance himself from you.

Good luck on your mission. Sorry if any of that came off as harsh. You sound like you have the absolute best intentions. I hope everything works out for you and your friend.

[bjw]

I have a brother that is gay and once I explained to him why the church has reacted the way it does to prop 8 and its policies about gays he was a little more understanding. He lived with me for 2 years and would never attend church with me though.

I agree with gay people that homosexuality is usually a trait you are born with, but I think that is true with any other sexual desire. Many people have desires they have to suppress in this life, and that is the challenge of having a body in this world.

[Spartan117]

While the jury is still out on whether homosexuality is genetic or based on early childhood experience or both, the only choice in the matter is whether to act on those desires or not.

Actually the jury has returned a verdict a few times now. Just not the one people like.

[bytor2112]

"They CHOSE to be gay."

I think many people, myself included until recently, understood homosexuality as sex between members of the same gender, which leads one to say that it is a choice whether to engage in gay sex and thus are gay because of the action. A bit more complicated....I have learned.