How can I know if it is really over with my wife's new "friend"?


Rimmer
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I agree with you to an extent. In every crime or sin, there is a line that is crossed by the individual choosing to commit the wrong. A line that the victim plays no part in and has no responsibility over. However, one of the first things taught in a self-defense class is how to avoid situations where one might need to defend themself. If we know what a "predator" looks for and we do nothing to defend ourselves, yes we do share some of the blame for the situation. Just as it is our own fault if we fall away from our testimony because we fail to "put on the armor of God". Not creating and maintaining a proper defense is foolish and irresponsible. We shouldn't have to go to levels of paranoia, but we should at least be cautiously prepared.

A predator will have few victims to prey upon if we learn what they look for and build a solid defense. Because our understanding is flawed and life itself carries a certain amount of risk, we can not build a perfect defense where no one is ever harmed, but if we completely ignore good counsel and warnings of caution simply because the sin is "not our fault" then I think we do share some of the blame. .

Seems we will have a hard time agreeing. There is that line but its the sinners only, true, however if you know what predators look for and don't do anything at worst we are naive and best we are overconfident -nothing related to blame or sin. I can't agree with you there and I still think you are blaming yourself for your ex's sins, believing or thinking that in some way you contributed to his rage and wrongs.

If we build a 'solid defence' we are smart, well prepared, ready for war etc, but if we don't we may just be foolish, but no, we don't share some of the blame in the predators sins. Note that the predators can just change their tactics and find you unprepared for those new tactics.

Try telling a 12 year old overpowered and raped by her uncle that she has some of the blame?....nothing she did or could do, like kiss him in Chistmas or buy him a present for his birthday can let her 'share the blame' for his action. Same with you and your ex or Rimmer here and his wife.

The innocent never share the blame for others sins. Cain thought that they did, but he was rejected by God back then at the start of our earth.

Edited by Juan_P
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Seems we will have a hard time agreeing. There is that line but its the sinners only, true, however if you know what predators look for and don't do anything at worst we are naive and best we are overconfident -nothing related to blame or sin. I can't agree with you there and I still think you are blaming yourself for your ex's sins, believing or thinking that in some way you contributed to his rage and wrongs.

If we build a 'solid defence' we are smart, well prepared, ready for war etc, but if we don't we may just be foolish, but no, we don't share some of the blame in the predators sins. Note that the predators can just change their tactics and find you unprepared for those new tactics.

Try telling a 12 year old overpowered and raped by her uncle that she has some of the blame?....nothing she did or could do, like kiss him in Chistmas or buy him a present for his birthday can let her 'share the blame' for his action. Same with you and your ex or Rimmer here and his wife.

The innocent never share the blame for others sins. Cain thought that they did, but he was rejected by God back then at the start of our earth.

There's an essential thing your missing in what I posted. I never said the victim shares the blame for the sin. I do believe that the victim can potentially share the blame for the situation, if there were things they could have done to defend or prepare themself and they failed to do so under the assumption that "if someone chooses to do such-and-such its not my fault". I don't think that applies to the situation you described. It does apply to say.... a college student dressing in a very scanty halloween costume, going and getting drunk, returning home to their dorm alone on the bus, and not expecting anything to happen... or expecting to be able to say "it's all HIS fault" when something does happen. It was foolish and stupid to put oneself in that situation, and I think the college student shares some of the blame for that particular situation. It's like setting yourself up for failure.

Just as nothing I did explains why my ex could not control his rage or excuses it. But my not drawing the line the first time he hurt me and walking away from the situation means it is partially my fault I endured more. I had plenty of warnings. Plenty of common sense. Plenty of wise counsel. And I ignored it to my own detriment. Until I finally recognized that I needed to act and make a change- then I did so. Now, at this point, if I were to think I could go back and give it another try, everyone would point out what an idiotic decision that was and basically say "I told you so" when the same thing happens all over again. It would be my own fault, because I ignored everything I've learned.

Same goes for Rimmer- It's not his fault his wife committed adultery. Nothing he did excuses it. But he had plenty of warning signs and opportunities to change what he was doing wrong and ignored them. So, he shares some of the blame for the situation. He is now working on making those changes. How can he improve and make those changes if he doesn't identify and recognize exactly what he needs to change?

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Not that it in any way excuses me from my horrible choices, but there is a progression that took place. It wasn't a conscious overnight decision. Basically, I went for years and years not feeling loved at all. His way of showing it wasn't even something that equaled love to me. The yelling and the anger begin to break a person.

You speak of her betraying your trust. What you don't see is that she has been unable to trust you for years. She has been utterly alone. The one person she is supposed to be able to depend on turns on her regularly. She sees the pattern, it hasn't changed even when she did get the courage to brave your reaction and beg you to change. You ignored her again.....If you just ignore it....it will all go away right? You can pretend its peachy. But your avoidance just proves to her that shes isn't worth it in your eyes.

She is probably struggling with her own sense of worth and value. Not only for the things she has done but how she has been treated. She needs time to work on herself just as much as you do.

I have seen this now. I can see that she is hurting and confused.

While Rimmer was victimized by his wife's adulterous actions, she was first victimized by his abusive actions. While that does not excuse her sin, it does help explain it- and Rimmer needs time, understanding, and healing to come to terms with that.

Rimmer- I think at this point you need to try to stop reading into everything she says and does so much. There are any number of possible things going through her head and/or motives for her actions. There is no way to know what she is planning or deciding for certain until she is clear about what she wants and acts on it.

All the guessing and second guessing and trying to make sense of what she is doing isn't going to help you any. It's time to focus on yourself and let her focus on herself. When you can face this with a calm interior, with confidence in yourself, and enough trust in God that you can be happy with any outcome, I think you will be on the right track.

I am realizing this just recently. I cannot change her or the situation. But I can change me.

Eowyn, thank you for the D&C 121 reference. My home teacher has challenged me with memorizing verses 34 through 46, and I have been working at it. It makes me see a lot more of what I have done.

There IS nothing that I can do to change anyone but me. She did make her own choice in this, but I still have growing and repenting to do for those things I have done. It doesn't matter if I did or did not drive her to this. She chose. But I chose to mistreat her. We were both wrong and we both have our repentance to serve.

My home teacher also gave me a book to read. It is "The Peacegiver" by James L Ferrell, from Deseret Book. Ironically, we have a copy at home that my wife started to read years ago. She said today she didn't read too far, but that it sounded so much like us.

This has made it much easier to focus on forgiveness. The Atonement is what gives us what we strive for. If we do not forgive, we cannot be forgiven. I have come to a point of acceptance. I see what has happened. I cannot change things past. I can only move forward by forgiveness. It doesn't make it fun, but I do see it as required.

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There's an essential thing your missing in what I posted. I never said the victim shares the blame for the sin. I do believe that the victim can potentially share the blame for the situation, if there were things they could have done to defend or prepare themself and they failed to do so under the assumption that "if someone chooses to do such-and-such its not my fault". I don't think that applies to the situation you described. It does apply to say.... a college student dressing in a very scanty halloween costume, going and getting drunk, returning home to their dorm alone on the bus, and not expecting anything to happen... or expecting to be able to say "it's all HIS fault" when something does happen. It was foolish and stupid to put oneself in that situation, and I think the college student shares some of the blame for that particular situation. It's like setting yourself up for failure.

...Same goes for Rimmer- It's not his fault his wife committed adultery. Nothing he did excuses it. But he had plenty of warning signs and opportunities to change what he was doing wrong and ignored them. So, he shares some of the blame for the situation. He is now working on making those changes. ...

Well, again, we aren't going to agree. "Shares the blame" be it for the "situation" or the 'sin' is still "sharing the blame" which I can't agree with. Rimmer is innocent here (if adultery actually did happen) and nothing in the scriptures points to him "sharing the blame for the situation". To the contrary its like blaming Job for letting his children be away from home when they were all killed ...actually I think your arguments are on the side of Job's friends and not the side of truth. Like the college girl dressing scantily and getting drunk.... no, she doesn't share the blame for the situation and in court, whether she wore a mini-skirt or tight tinny shorts or encouraged and flirted the guys that attack her it doesn't matter, they will still be up for rape and a possible a 25 year jailsentence because ,yes, it is all HIS fault. Girls should be able to dress how they wish too, even in miniskirts and bra only and not ever be victims of crime because the criminal needs to control himself not the girl. Dressing modestly is to send a message or communicate what you believe in not to avoid crime!

I think you should re-read Job, the story of Cain and Abel and seriously re-consider this issue of how a victim can or cannot 'contribute' to the crime or to the sin or the situation.

Also look at how blunt D&C 42 is with regards to this, in v24-26 especially v75 which commands an excommunication in these cases! not much room there to consider what the inocent spouse did or didn't do.

Edited by Juan_P
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Now she just wants me out. She says she needs time to think things through. That maybe we can work things out after she thinks about things. I see it as her getting me out and then it will be that much easier to proceed with a divorce. She says she wants us to be an Eternal Family, but that I am not respecting her by leaving her for a month or more. She shows no affection and snubs any I try to give her.

I think I just need to go ahead and get the divorce now. Why should I live with that fear over my head, living by myself, hoping that things will work out? It will drive me crazy.

I don't see any other way. She says she will go to counseling with me. But I still have to move out, or she will take the kids and move out herself. I don't need this big house we're in without kids. I have no choice but to leave. I just don't know if I should just file for divorce or not...

"Now she just wants me out. She says she needs time to think things through." .... just a lie; she wants you out to be able to see the other dude more.

"She says she will go to counseling with me." ..more lying.

Best and smartest thing you could do is divorce and move on. Move on and look for someone who a)believes in marriage for eternity and not just for while love lasts and b) is willing to live and keep her covenants of chastity before looking at the marriage issue.

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I have seen this now. I can see that she is hurting and confused.

I am realizing this just recently. I cannot change her or the situation. But I can change me.

Eowyn, thank you for the D&C 121 reference. My home teacher has challenged me with memorizing verses 34 through 46, and I have been working at it. It makes me see a lot more of what I have done.

There IS nothing that I can do to change anyone but me. She did make her own choice in this, but I still have growing and repenting to do for those things I have done. It doesn't matter if I did or did not drive her to this. She chose. But I chose to mistreat her. We were both wrong and we both have our repentance to serve.

My home teacher also gave me a book to read. It is "The Peacegiver" by James L Ferrell, from Deseret Book. Ironically, we have a copy at home that my wife started to read years ago. She said today she didn't read too far, but that it sounded so much like us.

This has made it much easier to focus on forgiveness. The Atonement is what gives us what we strive for. If we do not forgive, we cannot be forgiven. I have come to a point of acceptance. I see what has happened. I cannot change things past. I can only move forward by forgiveness. It doesn't make it fun, but I do see it as required.

Remember, dude, that you may indeed find repentance and forgiveness for your own sins but that won't necessarily bring back your wife's love. She may be gone for ever even if you repent or if you don't repent. The choice to live or not live wiht someone involves many wider issues than your repentance process. I hope you have that clear , especially is she decides to not come back to you. (by the way , if she did come back to you as a loving wife, my money is on her cheating again whenever there are other problems in the marriage, money problems or just out of love problems which happen to nearly all couples after 7 years or so)

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Wow.....

I was merely trying to give Rimmer maybe a glimpse into her feelings. Not to justify her actions. But to maybe help him have some compassion for her. Help him to be able to forgive her and not be bitter and angry. Those things only build and lead to hatred. Which, may hurt her, but it may not. ...maybe we can look at them in a more christlike way.

My hope is that everyone here diligently seeks peace and true joy in this life, and finds it.

Dont give up.

Yes, he should be looking to forgive her, whether they stay together or even if they do divorce.

It took me roghly 2 years basically to forgive my ex for her cheating but it was only after I realized that it was her sin and not any of mine ones, that I didn't contribute to her 'vulnerable' state, that I was able to say and point to her and say "this is your sin, and your choice to destroy our family and hopefully God will forgive you one day and not send you to hell". That's when I started to find peace in my heart and the spiritual confirmation that I was starting to forgive her and move on.

Today, I see her often due to our kids and I don't feel any hatred or despise her or any ill feelings towards her. To the contrary I hope she does return to church and becomes a member again because of my kids, so that they will have their biological mother, whom they know well, as their mother throughout eternity too. (My current wife would also prefer that situation too rather than act as a defacto mother for eternity, and she has also tried to get her back to church)

But that process started after those first 2 years and after I stopped blaming myself for the breakup and after realizing that she was to blame for her actions and not me.

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I'm starting to sadly agree with Juan_p. There is still Love between them. They have no intention of stopping talking at least. They meet weekly (with a networking group) and still have talked on the phone and who knows about texting. I posted something about my wife "Liking" his comment about something, he is running for City Council. I was being malicious and trying to hurt his chances. my wilfe reported it fast so who know who saw it. But I know this puts any hope I ever had to return to her.

I am close to going back and huffing that crap again. The only thing holding me is God and my children.

I feel so distraught. I don't know how to move on. She has all the business, the home, the friends, I have always been unfriendly and/or thinking "what do I get from this" selfishness.

I wish she could see the good that I have changing in me. All she sees is the bad. All she sees is the bad.

I'm very lost and alone.

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I know how you feel right now Rimmer. On my thread, my wife and I are having similar problems as we are separated and headed to divorce. It is the LAST thing I want, but she is in an affair fog and resents me for an affair I admitted to. We have 4 kids and I feel like I have lost everything. I even quit my job to be closer to home for my kids. I see them a couple of times a week. I am struggling mightily. I talk to friends/family a lot and it seems to help. We will both get through these trying times. Lets put our faith in the Lord and ask him to ease our burdens. We will get through it. It will not be easy.

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I'm starting to sadly agree with Juan_p. There is still Love between them. They have no intention of stopping talking at least. They meet weekly (with a networking group) and still have talked on the phone and who knows about texting. I posted something about my wife "Liking" his comment about something, he is running for City Council. I was being malicious and trying to hurt his chances. my wilfe reported it fast so who know who saw it. But I know this puts any hope I ever had to return to her.

I am close to going back and huffing that crap again. The only thing holding me is God and my children.

I feel so distraught. I don't know how to move on. She has all the business, the home, the friends, I have always been unfriendly and/or thinking "what do I get from this" selfishness.

I wish she could see the good that I have changing in me. All she sees is the bad. All she sees is the bad.

I'm very lost and alone.

I don't believe thinking "what do I get" is selfishness in a situation like this. You should be concerned about yourself. If you aren't she will run you over in the divorce. This happened to my brother. He went back and forth with his ex-wife despite her running him over and taking advantage of him every time. When it was finally over, he had stopped caring about "what do I get", and she basically robbed him and stripped him bare. Be concerned about what you are going to get out of this.

I do not think it is unfortunate that you agree with Juan. He is very correct in much of his assessment of adultery, I just personally think he's only seeing part of the picture. It also sounds like you are still trying to "control" her behavior and tying up your self-worth in what she thinks of you. It sounds like you've been working on changing yourself hoping that she would notice and come back. If you go into it like that, you are going to end up hurt and disappointed, because only she can decide what direction she is going to go, and from the sound of things she's already made her decision. Nothing you do will change that.

Your goal cannot be to "win" her back, because that is a goal you can never achieve. Even if she did come back to you, it would be because of her choice not because of anything you did. Your goal needs to be to get emotionally and spiritually healthy whether she comes back or not.

At this point, from everything you've explained so far, I think it would be better for you two if you did not get back together. Your happiness is so wrapped up in what you expect her to do, I think that it would be detrimental to your emotional health if you got back together. It's time to cut your losses and move on and be concerned about yourself, without her.

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She has my kids. She has our business. I have alienated our friends by being arrogant. I have nothing. She was supposed to let me have the kids today, and she stopped that, too.

She has taken everything and is still talking to him. "Professionally" of course. What a load of crap.

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Rimmer, I'm right there with ya. Apparently being a man is a crime in approx 36 out of 50 states. I'm finding out more and more that just because you were there during conception doesn't amount for much except for child support. Doesn't mean you'll have an active role in your kids lives. Especially if the mother makes things difficult. My STBX has talked a big talk about access to the kids, but she is not yet walking the walk.

I feel your pain my man. You're not walking down this path alone. I worked out of town for years and therefore my friends in this area is limited. Send me a PM if you want to kick the trees together.

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She has my kids. She has our business. I have alienated our friends by being arrogant. I have nothing. She was supposed to let me have the kids today, and she stopped that, too.

She has taken everything and is still talking to him. "Professionally" of course. What a load of crap.

Rimmer, honestly I think you should start moving in another direccion. Divorce off course isn't the desired outcome but sometimes its inevitable. People sometimes do need to end the marriage.

Where you are at now you are loosing on three fronts: the battle to regain her, the second battle for property and things like business; and the last access to the kids.

I strongly suggest you start a strategy to win some of these battles. if taking flowers and chocolates to her doesn't bring her back, then start talking to lawyers or counseling centres for divorce. You need to start thinking about how to get what is legally yours ie half the assets or there abouts depending on state laws, and proper access to the children, once a week or once a month.

You should start by making sure that your bank accounts are only yours and yours only. Then, from my experience, I'd say to visit the kids once a fortnight or once a month to be able to better plan for and prepare for a top day out with them only. And then look to enjoy life in between during the week. like go to movies, or camping or driving interstate sometimes, move wards to meet new people, maybe change jobs, all because you need a new life and not to rehash all that 's been happening up to now. She is obviously lying and there is no adultery without lying so remember that whenever she offers things like 'I'll let you see the kids every week is we don't go to court' = you will never see them. She lies. and is very good at it and you need to defend your interests and need to start winning some battles here. And using a shotgun against them, although tempting, is loosing the war cause they will put you away for life and jail is a very brutal and difficult place to live in.

All the best,

John,

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She has my kids. She has our business. I have alienated our friends by being arrogant. I have nothing. She was supposed to let me have the kids today, and she stopped that, too.

She has taken everything and is still talking to him. "Professionally" of course. What a load of crap.

She cannot legally keep you from your kids without solid justification that she can take to court. If you still don't want to file for divorce, you can at least file for a custody order. Talk to a lawyer. As their father, you have parental rights to your children that she cannot take away.

This is something my brother struggled with with his ex even after he was awarded temporary custody. He'd let them stay with her "extra", times that weren't listed in the court order for her to have visitation, while he would be at work, and then she would refuse to let him have the boys back.

If your wife cannot tell you with certainty that she wants to work on the marriage, cannot give up her adulterous behavior, does not to work with you on counseling, you seriously need to contemplate divorce- and make sure you are the one that files. Start getting yourself ready to protect what is rightfully yours and don't back down.

Now, I think I've gotten things a bit mixed up between your thread, ManChild's thread, and I think there was another one on here.... So I just want to clarify what's going on:

Neither of you has filed for divorce, correct?

Your wife asked you to leave and you did so... Where are you staying right now?

Wife has your business... Do you have a job?

Who do your children get their health care through- you or your wife?

Make sure you have at least A bank account your wife does not have access to. In court, everything you have right now will be considered "community property", but "community property" doesn't really end up split evenly. Whatever she has in her possession will likely remain in her possession, and whatever you have in your possession will likely remain in your possession. You don't want to get "cleaned out" like my brother did.

Talking with a good lawyer should help you work through this process of what you need to do to get yourself in order. Most importantly though, don't let her prevent you from seeing your kids. Get a court order and if you have to involve the police to enforce it, don't be afraid to do so.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Neither of us has filed for divorce.

I have left and she's moved to a new place.

I messed up again and have spent time in the state hospital and jail for huffing, trying the wrong way to deal with this situation.

I missed my and two of my kids' birthdays in hospital.

She has still been talking to him even after the Bishop has told them both to stop.

Am I stupid by still wanting to work things out? Now she says it's because I messed up too many times and she doesn't even like to be around me. She doesn't feel comfortable with me, like I'm going to hurt her or him or his family. The only person I've wanted to hurt is me.

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Ok, the huffing seriously hurts your credibility as a "fit" parent. While I can understand the emotional turmoil your going through and your desire to find an escape and cope, you need to do everything possible to take care of that if you really want to be involved in your kids lives. Seriously think about and consider these questions- would your children do better to be around you... or worse? Would you be a good influence on them and a capable caretaker/provider? These are important questions for their sake, and for you. And they are the kind of questions a court will try to answer when it comes time to determine custody arrangements. You will need to be able to provide proof and evidence that the huffing was a one time thing and you've done what you can to make restitution and recover. If you can't do that, your time with your kids is likely going to end up very limited.

It is time to stop worrying about what she is doing. She is making her decisions and falling down her own path, making her own mistakes. You have absolutely no control over her or what she does, and her salvation is not in your hands but the Lord's. You need to focus on YOU now. What do you need to do? What do you need to fix? How can you get yourself healthy?

I do not think you are stupid to still want to work things out, but I do think that you are clinging to a fantasy. From everything that is going on and your wife's distance and unwillingness to work on things with you, I would say that your marriage is already over. You don't want to give that up. You are clinging to it desperately, and I think that is why you turned to drugs- out of desperation and depression because your reality and what you wish your reality would be are so far apart. I think it was a subconscious effort to manipulate things back into the way you wanted them to be- like how somoe suicide attempts are really just a cry for help, you were crying out for help and expecting your wife to respond.

You are clinging to her love as though IT was a drug, and now you are going through severe withdrawals since she's rejected you and are trying everything you can to get your "drug" back. The continuation of this problem is evidence of something seriously wrong... with your inability to let go, and you really need to be seeing a professional counselor/therapist/psychologist. You need help getting yourself back on track with reality and accepting what you cannot control or change.

It is natural to not want to let go. It is natural to suffer from feelings of depression, rejection, withdrawal, etc.. when faced with something like this. But fall too deep into those feelings and they become destructive. If you are not already getting professional help (and this may have been made a requirement now due to the jail time for huffing... but maybe not), I highly recommend you do so.

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I have never been a good provider for my family. I am obviously not a good parent figure. I think you're right about her love being my "drug." I am feeling the withdrawal from it and I'm seriously ready to be over. I just don't know how to get over it. How do people let go? How do people just start a new life? I feel so worthless. I feel like nobody would want me at all. Especially after messing up and going to the hospital and jail. She's going to get the kids, just like she got the business and friends. Nobody has come to help me. Everyone is after helping her while I wallow in misery. She says it hurts and she doesn't want to get divorced either. Why then is she? She says she has prayed about it and it is what she feels she should do.

Why would Heavenly Father want to break a marriage and family? How can this be from Him? I just don't see it. I have prayed time and again for strength and for understanding of why this is happening. I have prayed asking if this marriage should last. I have prayed asking if we should divorce. I have asked positive questions and negative questions. I have not received an answer to any prayer about my marriage. Normally I am very receptive of answers to my prayers. This one just eludes me.

I'm ready to give up.

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No. I want my family back. I want to make things right. I am in despair because I see that it is too late.

I see that she has moved light years beyond me and that I will never amount to anything. I'm 40 years old and now living with my mother. My wife left and is still talking to this guy. Even voted for him to help him get on the city council. She never votes.

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Perhaps the reason you are having such a hard time hearing the answers to your prayers is because the answers are not in line with what you want. You need to be able to humble yourself and give up what you want for what is better for everyone. You need to be willing to DO something positive to make your own life better, and let go of the life you are trying to hold on to. Sometimes a divorce IS the right thing, because it is what helps people come closer to Chirst and seek out a healthier lifestyle. Sometimes, we have to lose our dreams to find God's dream for us. The Lord does not always give us what we want- he gives us what we need, what will help us grow and learn, what will humble us, what will make us better people.

You are not worthless. Your wife's unwillingness to fix the marriage is not a reflection of your worth. Your life is not over- you can still do something positive, can still contribute and give your life meaning. Moving on is not as hard as it probably seems right now. You just have to give your life a new focus, and lose yourself in the work. If you are being active in something, it will be harder to fall into depression. If you are being productive, your sense of self-worth will blossom. If you are thinking about what is best for others instead of what you want for yourself- you will find others will start looking out for you in return.

Rimmer- you have created a fantasy in your mind of what you think your life should be. There's nothing wrong with that. We all do it. We make plans and try to shape our lives to fit those plans. However, you have to be able to adjust your "fantasy" when you hit bumps in your road. You have to be able to change your image and come up with a "new dream" to follow. I had a fantasy... that I would finish my degree within four years without taking on any loans, get a job as a park ranger or zookeeper, get married, have kids, be a stay-at-home-mom and homeschool my kids... but that dream fell apart when I got too impatient and made a serious mistake. Now I'm a single-mom with a degree and a minimum wage job, living in a tiny apartment, just scraping by and wishing I could spend more time with my son, have a dog, more kids, a husband.. but I have to accept my reality and build a new dream for myself or I will never be happy. I will always be depressed if I cling to what "could have been" and what I wish I had.

You need to look at the positives in your life right now. Examples from my life- I wouldn't trade my son for the world. Even though the circumstances behind his birth weren't the best and I have to put him in daycare just so I can have a job that puts food on our table and a roof over our head, I'd rather have this life with him in it than the life I dreamed for myself without him in it. I also enjoy my job even though the pay is terrible and it isn't challenging- because I get to help people. I'm constantly going out of my way to do more than what is in my job description just because I can and it helps everyone's day go more smoothly. I also get plenty of "down time" to come on here, learn more about the gospel and offer what help I can to others- sharing my advice and experiences. I am blessed to have the holidays off and live near my family.

There are so many good things in my life... How can I be depressed? Why should I miss what never was, when I have so much joy right in front of me? I am certain there are positive things in your life too, if you will just look for them. And you can build a new dream for yourself, grounded in reality. You ARE worth something. You CAN make a positive difference in the world. You just have to believe in yourself and put forth the effort. Accept the circumstances you've been given, and strive to make them shine.

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  • 6 months later...

I ended up in the state hospital again for depression. I think they got my medication dialed in and I have a much more positive outlook. I was in the hospital for about 6 months. She did divorce me while I was there. I've only been away from this thread because the have no internet for patients where I was. I've been out a couple weeks and I've spent a lot of time with my kids. They are very happy as am I to be together again. They live with her, but i get to see them often. I am grateful to be alive and to be a dad. I have kept straight since I've been out and am looking forward to a summer with my kids.

I can totally see that now, JudoMinja, about feeling my prayers were going unanswered because they didn't align with my ideal. While I was in the hospital I finally for the first time read the Book of Mormon straight through. It has helped me greatly. I thank you all for the kind words you've given through my difficult time. Thank you

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Glad to hear that you are doing well. I don't know if some people can appreciate the trauma such an event can bring into your life. I can empathize cause I know how it feels. At times, I would feel down because I was devestated while the STBX would say, "are you OK" (in a saracastic kinda way, like whats wrong with you?). A friend of mine told me, if you didn't feel that way, something would be wrong with you.

So to you Rimmer, I say if you didn't feel the pain of your wife leaving then something would be wrong with you. Sometimes caring has a difficult way of manifesting itself. Don't ever be ashamed of how you acted or felt inside, because it shows you have a heart and felt the loss of something very important to you.

Keep close to your friends, kids, and church family. And remember that the start of every journey begins with only one step. Make that step and try every day to make another and then another. Before you know it you'll be surprised at the distance you've come.

Manchild

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Glad to hear that you are doing well. I don't know if some people can appreciate the trauma such an event can bring into your life. I can empathize cause I know how it feels. At times, I would feel down because I was devestated while the STBX would say, "are you OK" (in a saracastic kinda way, like whats wrong with you?).

the response from the STBX brings back some painful memories. It's amazing how emotionally seperated and "past feeling" we can become from each other...the puzzling look from the person ripping your soul apart. I'm glad that's in the past.

Rimmer, glad you're alive and well brother.

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