Inactive Husband- HELP!!!!!!!!


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So, I'm afraid to talk about this anymore to anyone who is close to me because I feel like I am causing everyone to hate my husband...so, I thought I would try a forum of strangers!

I was raised in the church but was inactive most of my teen and college years. I met my husband my Sophmore year of college and we were married the following year. We were pretty wild and things were starting to get out of control-my brother who was serving a mission at the time, combined with a lot of prayers (by my family) and promptings from the HG, I decided to go back to church. My husband was interested and joined as well...we had four kids and a pretty good marriage...then four years ago he was diagnosed ADD and started taking Aderol, shortly after that he started having serious back issues and started taking various meds for that, then two years ago he was diagnosed (by his general prac) with bipolar disorder and started taking meds for that. I'm not sure which one of these conditions/meds or a combination of them has started causing problems but we have basically gone down hill since then.

In the beginning of July he started taking Xanex and went totally crazy! I won't go into all the details but lets just say July and August were a nightmare. He left the church, started drinking, smoking pot, dipping, lying, listening to rap and acting like a jerk. He left for awhile to be with his family back in Oklahoma who are terrible influences with all their partying, drama, and total lack of motivation...but, I got him to come home with a lot of patience and love (maybe some begging). He told me he wanted to baptize our son (he turned 8 Oct 4th) and come back to church...unfortunately, that fell through as well (not surprised), now he is back to drinking, dipping, and isolating himself. Not to mention, he is on disability, waiting for his third back surgery...I AM GOING CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!

I love my husband with all my heart and we have a wonderful family! But I am so tired of this emotional rollercoaster- I don't trust him and he is VERY extreme with everything (we are also going through bankruptcy), I feel like him drinking is going to eventually destroy our marriage (and not only because he is extreme but also because it alienates us from eachother). I asked him to quit (begged) and he refused- I just don't know what to do anymore! I feel so hurt and angry (and worry that he is really going to end up being a negative influence on our kids)- he is really acting so selfish! Early on, when I prayed about it; I got a very descisive answer to stay with him; but now I am so hurt and frustrated that I feel like I am tuning out the HF's answers...I can't hear/feel a thing after I pray about him...I feel so lonely, hurt, angry, especially since now I am doing EVERYTHING- and I have to be the awesome mom who has it together all the time; its exhausting!

Please if you read this pray for us (God will know who you're talking about- I talk His ear off constantly!!!) and if you have any helpful advice, do share!!

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My heart goes out to you. This has got to be such a stressful / difficult time for you.

I dont really have too much advice except for this:

I'm also currently struggling with my husband (I was also inactive when I met and married and started going back a few months ago. He showed interest at first, but no longer wants anything to do with it) The missionaries have been a big help to me and one of them let me borrow a CD with a talk from Jeffrey Holland on it. I don't remember the title exactly, but I remember it was something along the lines of "cast not away".

Anyways, in the talk it mentioned that if you pray about something and get an answer (you said you had prayed about him and got a decisive answer to stay with him) than that answer doesn't change. Just because you no longer feel like you're getting an answer, that doesn't mean the answer you previously got changed. So in other words, if the answer was to stay with him, than that is still the answer.

"You catch more flies with honey" so really the best you can do right now is to just love him and be there for him. Continue staying active in the church, talk to the bishop (he can counsel you and help you through this) and keep praying.

Good luck and stay strong!

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Start here (consider it a cheap method of counseling):

Amazon.com: The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (9781886941977): Melissa C. Orlov: Books

If/when you consider counseling, find a counselor who specializes in ADD/ADHD relationships.

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The main issue I see for you right now is his mental illness... He needs a good doctor who will meet with him at least once a month to see how his meds are working out. All psych meds have side effects. Everyone reacts to them differently and deals with different side effects. meds interact with each other, so it really is like trying to hit a pinata, you just have to keep swinging. There will be ups and downs, but he needs your support to get through it. Go to his appointments with him, and tell the doctor what you are seeing (often family have a perspective that the patient doesn't have). he needs treatment. He possibly needs talk therapy.

Talk to your bishop about what you are going through. I know that having my bishop's support means everything to me. Your hubby needs 'permission' to have bad days.

I think that after he starts stabilizing, and finds the right med coctail, THEN you can start working on getting him active in church again. Right now he may not be ABLE to make the right decisions. It's like asking a baby to speak perfect english, they just don't have the tools.

Also find support for yourself. Try your local NAMI branch. They have support groups for family members of those with mental illness. Educate yourself as to what is going on physically in his brain. It will help you to see why he acts the way he does.

Like I said earlier, the biggest thing is to find a GOOD doctor who is patient and wants to work with you to fix this problem. You need to have an open relationship with your medical provider. If you see problems like you did in July and Aug you should be able to call them at any time of the day or night and say, hey this just isn't working. He shouldn't have been on a med that made him act like that for so long.

The good news is that mental illness is treatable. I'm not saying that there is an EASY fix, but things can get better. They can be managed. I am praying for you, and I hope that your family finds relief. I struggle with trying to understand why HF allows us to be tormented by mental illness... It is such a horrible thing, and I don't see how it helps us. It just seems like torture. :( Anyway, good luck... hope that helps!

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Thank you for your responses! I really feel confused and lonely at this point and knowing that there are people out there struggling with similiar challenges makes me feel like I'm not totally crazy! Zuko725, I really appreciated your reference to the talk by Elder Holland (http://lds.org/ensign/2000/03/cast-not-away-therefore-your-confidence?lang=eng&query=cast+away+(name%3a"Jeffrey+R.+Holland")) and the reassurance that I was still on the right path; even if most days it feels like the wrong one.

My husband is seeing an LDS counselor and was diagnosed with bipolar disease as well as ADD- I probably need to find a book that addresses living with them both. It is very exhausting having these deep uncomfortable talks everyday (to address things and set boundaries) and in many ways I view my life as a mother of 5 with my 5th child being special needs. I am totally unsure how to continue feeling love for my husband as a man who takes care of his family; his role is almost completely gone with him not working (on disability), not leading our home with the priesthood, and not really offering me any kind of love or support...how do I love someone who keeps me at arms distance and gets agitated with me constantly? He basically lives his life how he wants (alone)- keeping weird hours, disappearing for hours at a time, ignoring my calls and rebuffing my efforts to hang out...UGHH! I miss my husband; the guy who only a short time ago was my best friend!! :(

I will continue to talk to my bishop, seek out spiritual things (as the Savior seems my only stability at this point), work towards making myself self sufficient (I'm going back to school for my Masters in Education) and doing A LOT of praying!!!!!!

Thanks for taking the time to respond to a stranger- I know that you are all my brothers and sisters out there and I really appreciate that knowledge!

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It sounds to me like you have issues with communicating, and are assuming all of his behaviors can be associated solely with mental disease. While it is true that any disorder he has can be a contributing factor, it is rare that they are the only cause to marital distress.

I would suggest that you might take a look at sites like Free Couples Counseling and others related to DIY counseling. They might help give you the strength to rectify the cause and not just the end result. I hope I am being clear when I say that what he is doing is in no way right, but we cannot dismiss that it may be caused by something else we are not seeing. To often, this type of this ends in separation simply because both partners become accusatory. Criticism is different from accusation, and while criticism is good... accusation can and will destroy a relationship.

I do hope you find the strength to deal with all of this. You won't find a better community than this (I've been lurking now for a good time just reading and not participating.)

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My husband was such a straight laced Mormon until about five years ago when he went crazy. He has done all the same things as your husband, plus infidelity. It has been so painful. We also have five children and I am devastated that he no longer leads them or teaches them values. He used to gather us together at night to read scriptures and have family prayer. Now he takes my 16 yr. old to rated R movies without me knowing! I don't know how to love this man. He is not the man I married. I am here for my kids although I often think they would be better off without him too. It is a huge contrast from just a few years ago and no one can believe it. So sad. He has mental illness in his family and I have asked him to see a psychiatrist but he gets offended. He doesn't see it...just thinks that he is finally able to do what he wants. I see no longer believing as a way to not have to repent. It makes me sick. It is affecting my kids. My son made the comment that it's too bad his younger siblings won't have their dad as an example like he did!

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My husband was such a straight laced Mormon until about five years ago when he went crazy. He has done all the same things as your husband, plus infidelity. It has been so painful. We also have five children and I am devastated that he no longer leads them or teaches them values. He used to gather us together at night to read scriptures and have family prayer. Now he takes my 16 yr. old to rated R movies without me knowing! I don't know how to love this man. He is not the man I married. I am here for my kids although I often think they would be better off without him too. It is a huge contrast from just a few years ago and no one can believe it. So sad. He has mental illness in his family and I have asked him to see a psychiatrist but he gets offended. He doesn't see it...just thinks that he is finally able to do what he wants. I see no longer believing as a way to not have to repent. It makes me sick. It is affecting my kids. My son made the comment that it's too bad his younger siblings won't have their dad as an example like he did!

I'm sorry what you and your husband are going through but more sorry for what your children are living through. It takes two people to keep a marriage functional and together. If you've done all that YOU can do (fasting, prayer, consulting your bishop, marriage counseling with or without your SO etc) then it's time to make a decision and only you alone can make that.

Edited by Bini
Uh! My computer was showing jmpcs as OP. Oh well, take it for what it's worth.
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You've already received some good advice about counseling and understanding add/adhd and other mental illnesses. I'd like to add a bit about prayer. From the sound of your post, I think it is possible that you will receive greater comfort and answers if your prayers are more "clear". Let me explain:

Often, people go before the Lord in prayer asking something like "What should I do?" or "Please help me". While these prayers are perfectly okay, they can be problematic in that the answers will be vague and difficult to discern. The best way to get clear-cut definitive answers from prayer is to present them in such a way that the answer can be a simple "yes" or "no" response. To do this, you will need to reach a decision on your own before approaching the Lord in prayer and then ask if He agrees with your decision.

For instance- When you prayed about staying with your husband, was it a clear statement and question like: "I have decided that I would like to keep my marriage together and stay with my husband. Is this what you want me to do?" If you worded it like this, or something similar, the answer that follows would be a "yes" or a "no". How do we know which answer the Lord is giving?

D&C 9:8-9

But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me.

So- Yes = a burning in the bosom, a strong "feeling" that it is right

and No = a stupor of thought, confusion

If you pray about it and feel a calm peace or serenity or certainty that you are doing the right thing, the answer you are receiving is a yes. If you pray about it and feel nothing or feel a confusion or stupor of thought, then you may not be doing the right thing. A quick and easy test is then to pray about the opposite decision. For instance: "Lord this has become difficult and straining on my family. I've done everything I know to do, and have decided to separate from my husband. Is this what you want me to do?"

If you STILL feel the confusion/stupor of thought, then perhaps the Lord is leaving it up to you to decide for yourself, holds no sway on the decision either direction, or is giving it more time before giving you a definitive answer. Or perhaps there is another option you are overlooking. However, if you now feel the inner peace and certainty, you will know that this is the correct course.

When I've approaced prayer in this way, I have never been led astray. It is simple, easy, and definitive. There is a clear difference between a "yes" and a "no" answer, and it has increased my testimony of prayer and communications with the spirit.

Hope this helps.

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Wow, there are so many amazing people out there- you all have really great insights and I appreciate the time you took to respond to my post. I know my husband loves the Lord and his family and I also know he knows that the church is true- he has admitted that to me several times (even two nights ago). However, he says right now he just doesn't care or feel anything...no love, spirituality, etc. He is going to weekly counseling with an LDS psychiatrist so I guess at this point I am just waiting and praying for strength to survive this...

I was thinking the other day how hard it is that he says all these great things that make me feel good and safe but never follows through with anything but after reading some of your posts I know that I should be grateful at this point that there is still a spark of desire to come back not only to the Gospel but also back to his family!

Alma 26:12

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Posted (edited) · Hidden
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There are obvious mental health issues that need to be dealt with before anything. Once those are properly and professionally dealt with, you will most likely find his entire demeanor changes. If not, then it's time for some serious counseling. This is obviously something that requires professional help and intervention. At this time, the inactivity is the least of your worries.

Edited by Dernge
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He has a number of things to deal with, not the least of which is pain. Speaking from experience the meds given for that can be very crazy making.

Adding in bipolar and thats a volatile mix. I am wondering if is he using street drugs to help with his pain. That also adds in another 'med' to the chemical mix.

One thing I can tell you for sure. He needs stability in his life. It takes a lot longer to sort things out without support.

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