Living a Secret Life...

[jlo918]

Hi everyone,

My name is Jennifer. I'm 24 years old. I was raised in the LDS church and left when I was 15. I was inactive for 8 years. During that time I was a member of a non denominational church, married the love of my life and now have 4 small children (Ages 6, 3 and 1). My family is my world and so is my husband.

Also during those 8 years I preached against the church and said horrible things to all of my family and friends. Well, for some strange reason in February I had a dream. I dreamed that Jesus and Joseph Smith pulled me out of a dark place and told me to "come home". I was pulled back to the LDS church immediately. No questions asked.

It has been 8 months that I have been hiding this secret from everyone (accept for my parents who raised me in the church). I was very open with my husband at first and he told me that he loves me and supports me but that he will never go to a Mormon church or allow our children to be exposed to the beliefs. He also told me that I should give this some time.

I admit that I fell away for a little while during those 8 months because it became too difficult. I felt guilty for hiding this from my husband. I felt bad having to hide my Book of Mormon under the mattress. I became sad knowing that I could not teach my children the gospel. I felt sad that my family and I couldn't enjoy church together. I was crushed at the thought of never being sealed in the temple (which happens to be right down the street from me). Imagine having to look at it every single day. So close yet so far. I didn't have fellowship and I could not go to church. So I decided to try the typical Christian route and stick to the norm for the sake of my family. But I have yet again decided that I need to keep following my heart.

I have some questions. I know that I am going to speak to my husband again eventually but in the mean time I am still unable to go to church. I can't go behind my husband's back and have missionaries over or have visiting teachers. I can't have the ensign in the home. I can't go to the temple. I can't be open about my beliefs. I have done so much damage that I don't even know how to take back what I said about the LDS church.

Do you think God is okay with what I am doing? If I were to die tomorrow would I be with Jesus? I just need advice on what I should do because at this point I only feel 30% mormon based on my actions. But in my heart I am 100%. Thanks for any advice.

Jennifer

[bluedreams]

Those are questions only God can answer. When I'm worried and feel that I'm not matching up to my potential I've often just prayed and asked if He was pleased with my actions. I'm honest with where I feel I've fallen short and my desire to do better as I do so. More often than not I get a calming answer that lets me know that I'm doinng okay.

Those times when there isn't that immediately is usually when I receive small promptings and insights as to how I could better approach a problem.

Either way, the Lord is far more forgiving than we often are for our short comings.

With luv,

BD

[JudoMinja]

I would suggest re-reading the story of Alma the Younger. And I offer you my heart-felt prayers of support in however you decide to approach this situation.

[Guest]

I don't know about some of the bigger things, but I have a friend who was in kind of a similar position, though he was okay with her going to church as long as it didn't take away from him or the family. She saw her visiting teachers at church either between classes or after church, and held a calling that only required her to show up on Sundays (RS chorister and nursery song leader). I also grew up with a YW president who had a nonmember husband, but he was very supportive and let her raise her kids in the church. I would keep praying that he softens his heart and work on your own testimony. Maybe as he sees the positive changes in your life, he'll be more receptive. Good luck.

[annewandering]

You have a hard row to hoe but if you do what you can God will help you. It would be best to be honest with your husband but keep in mind it is you that have changed the rules in your marriage, for the better, but he is not going to know that at first.

Let the temple be a support not a bitter reminder. It can remind you that the Lord is nearby. If you are upset just take a walk and enjoy the grounds to calm and aid you.

You might have a chat with the bishop and tell him your circumstances. He may have some ideas to help you along.

Keeping the Book of Mormon under your pillow sounds like a good idea. It is close to you that way. :)

Keep the faith. It will work out.

[LittleWyvern]

Do you think God is okay with what I am doing? If I were to die tomorrow would I be with Jesus? I just need advice on what I should do because at this point I only feel 30% mormon based on my actions. But in my heart I am 100%. Thanks for any advice.

Don't worry about where you are right now, focus on where're you're going. That's what matters, especially in the context of your two questions :)

[NeuroTypical]

I was very open with my husband at first and he told me that he loves me and supports me but that he will never go to a Mormon church or allow our children to be exposed to the beliefs. He also told me that I should give this some time.

I'm only guessing here, but it sounds like you married a good man. He thought he was getting a nondenominational Christian woman as wife and mother, and your new direction might have scared the crap out of him. Not all spouses react so well when hearing their partner is making such a serious jump.

I would advise you to treasure and protect your relationship with your husband. Do not hide anything from him. As you know, our church is not in the business of breaking families apart. Give him time to come to know this for himself.

[annewandering]

I'm only guessing here, but it sounds like you married a good man. He thought he was getting a nondenominational Christian woman as wife and mother, and your new direction might have scared the crap out of him. Not all spouses react so well when hearing their partner is making such a serious jump.

I would advise you to treasure and protect your relationship with your husband. Do not hide anything from him. As you know, our church is not in the business of breaking families apart. Give him time to come to know this for himself.

You might make this clear to him.

[jlo918]

Thank you to everyone who has responded. It has been very encouraging. @loudmouth...Yes, my husband is more wonderful than words can describe. So many years together and we have yet to really fight about anything. We have a respectful and very loving relationship. I do not blame him for being caught off guard though. I know the next time I talk to him will be fine. I just need to take that leap, even if it is only me going to Sacrament meeting alone for the next 5 years.

It's funny because over these last few months he has seen a huge change in me. I was always pretty happy before, but he has pointed out that I am simply glowing. Little does he know that it is because of being LDS again and because of the Holy Ghost being a constant companion in my life. =)

[tubaloth]

Sounds like you are on the right path. It does seem like you are more fearful of what COULD happen then anything else. If you shared half of what you posted her, I think your husband would start to see your view. Explain to him that you don't want to push anything on the family. I would hope you have explained the dream to him and how deeply you feel about it.

I also would hope you are to the point that you don't have to hide the scriptures from him. Do you hide reading other books?

Also you can read the Ensign Online. No big deal there.

I would suggest you go to church at some point in time, also I suggest you meet with the bishop. More as a get to know you option. The is somebody local that can help you. Yes its nice to hide behind a computer, but the bishop is called to help those in his ward, which includes you!

I think you can take things slow... See Alma 37:6-7

The missionaries don't have to come to your house. You can meet them somewhere else. (Even at a members house). But let your husband know what you are doing.

[mikbone]

I just need to take that leap, even if it is only me going to Sacrament meeting alone for the next 5 years.

It's funny because over these last few months he has seen a huge change in me. I was always pretty happy before, but he has pointed out that I am simply glowing. Little does he know that it is because of being LDS again and because of the Holy Ghost being a constant companion in my life. =)

Just tell him. He sounds like a great guy. If you are doing what is right and he already recognizes the changes in you, the hard part is already over.

You don't have to scare him or give him any ultimatum. Just say it matter of factly. Something like, "I had a dream the other night that was spiritual, and it had an effect on me. I'd like to do some more research about the church if it is ok with you?"

I wouldn't mention missionaries, or home teachers or Bishop yet... Ask if its ok to read the Book of Mormon, Bible, or Ensign in the house. Too bad general conference is over. It is the best way to introduce someone to the LDS church in my opinion. Unfortunately the missionaries coming over to the house can sometimes be overwhelming. And if you are already baptised you don't need to go through the discussions anyway.

Listening to the mormon channel or Your LDS Radio - Hymns on streaming audio is also an easy way to have the gospel in the house in a very non-threatening way. The most important thing you can do by far is show him that the gospel makes you happy and brings joy to your family. Dosen't matter how long it takes. Say your prayers, do what is right, honor your husband and let him know that your respect him.

Do your part, and the the Lord will pick up the slack.

Good luck. We are rooting for you. Keep us posted.

[rameumptom]

You are changing the rules that you have had with your husband all these years. So don't be surprised when he doesn't want such a change.

Instead, tell him that you will begin attending the LDS Church, but still support him and the kids in attending their Church. Allow it time, and you may see that the changes in you will slowly create changes in them, as well.

Give the Holy Spirit time to soften their hearts, even if it takes 20 or 30 years or more. God tends to work softly with people. You focus on being a great wife, a great mother, and a great Christian Latter-day Saint, and things will improve over time.

This is just one short step in an eternity. God has been patient with you, so be patient with yourself and your family. God is aware of them, too. He wants them to join you in the temple. And it will happen someday, if you just believe and turn it over to Christ to handle. Prepare yourself to attend the temple. As soon as you are considered worthy by your bishop, you can go do baptisms for the dead. Later, you can go get your endowment and receive those blessings.

Such blessings will softly reverberate through your home, as you bring more and more of the Spirit home with you. Your husband and kids will slowly notice. Over time, your husband may allow you to display your LDS items at home. And later, he may join you in some activities. Finally, he may even be baptized and sealed to you in the temple.

But it is a process. It may be one that happens quickly, but likely may take many many years. My aunt married a nonmember. Over the years, he became more and more supportive of her and even the kids in the Church, sending a son on a mission. After she died of cancer, he joined the Church and was sealed to her in the temple. Now they are both together in the Spirit World, joined for eternity. But it was a process for him that ended in baptism when he was in his 60s. So, be patient and trust God.

[lafrenieredianne1]

The Lord has a way of gathering His lost sheep! It sounds like you are making wise choices and you have a wonderful husband who loves you. I concur with the other posters.....sit down with your husband and explain about your dream and the positive changes that are coming into your life as the result of following your heart. Take small steps.....line upon line, precept upon precept.....I'm sure your husband, being a good man, will understand and his heart may soften towards the LDS Church.

I was married before being baptized as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and my husband never had a problem with my membership or having our children baptized when they turned 8 years of age. I waited for 48 years with patience and long suffering and finally, due to sickness caused by lifestyle he had a mighty change of heart and was baptized just last year.....we are now preparing to go to the Temple to be sealed. Never give up....prayers are answered in the Lord's time, not ours.....He knows what is in your heart. Put your full trust in the Lord and watch how miracles can happen in your life as you strive to become more like Him. Talk to your Bishop....you will feel angels surrounding you when you need help and listen carefully to the promptings of the Holy Ghost....you will have joy and peace in your life.

[Blackmarch]

Hi everyone,

My name is Jennifer. I'm 24 years old. I was raised in the LDS church and left when I was 15. I was inactive for 8 years. During that time I was a member of a non denominational church, married the love of my life and now have 4 small children (Ages 6, 3 and 1). My family is my world and so is my husband.

Also during those 8 years I preached against the church and said horrible things to all of my family and friends. Well, for some strange reason in February I had a dream. I dreamed that Jesus and Joseph Smith pulled me out of a dark place and told me to "come home". I was pulled back to the LDS church immediately. No questions asked.

It has been 8 months that I have been hiding this secret from everyone (accept for my parents who raised me in the church). I was very open with my husband at first and he told me that he loves me and supports me but that he will never go to a Mormon church or allow our children to be exposed to the beliefs. He also told me that I should give this some time.

I admit that I fell away for a little while during those 8 months because it became too difficult. I felt guilty for hiding this from my husband. I felt bad having to hide my Book of Mormon under the mattress. I became sad knowing that I could not teach my children the gospel. I felt sad that my family and I couldn't enjoy church together. I was crushed at the thought of never being sealed in the temple (which happens to be right down the street from me). Imagine having to look at it every single day. So close yet so far. I didn't have fellowship and I could not go to church. So I decided to try the typical Christian route and stick to the norm for the sake of my family. But I have yet again decided that I need to keep following my heart.

I have some questions. I know that I am going to speak to my husband again eventually but in the mean time I am still unable to go to church. I can't go behind my husband's back and have missionaries over or have visiting teachers. I can't have the ensign in the home. I can't go to the temple. I can't be open about my beliefs. I have done so much damage that I don't even know how to take back what I said about the LDS church.

Do you think God is okay with what I am doing? If I were to die tomorrow would I be with Jesus? I just need advice on what I should do because at this point I only feel 30% mormon based on my actions. But in my heart I am 100%. Thanks for any advice.

Jennifer

Thank you for sharing your experience.

Well if i was in your shoes, and i suddenly got a revelation that what i was doing/preaching was wrong... i would start by apologising to those i've been preaching to, and admit i was wrong. I"d probably start with my parents, as they would be the ones i'd have the most respect for and would probably have the hardest time confessing to... I'd imagine that a spouse would be right up there as well. I'd also advise to keep it simple, don't elaborate unless you are specifically asked.

Is your husband dead set against the (LDS) church, or violently opposed to it? Otherwise I think you should let him know soon that you've had an experience and that you were wrong.

Real repentance is never a cakewalk, but it is doable with faith in christ.

as for your question were you to die this very minute, my answer would be a question- are you willing to do what it takes to return to Christ, no matter what it is?

If you are, i don't think death would stop you.

[drr456]

Be honest with your hubby. Tell him how happy you are now and what a mistake it was being away. Put your foot down regarding your faith and beliefs. Time to put your big girl panties on (lol) and begin having the missionaries over. Little steps. Pray about it and tell Heavenly Father how you feel and that you need help bringing your husband home. He'll help ya!

[mirkwood]

You just never know what may happen in your family. I come from a part member family. My grandparents were members, but fell away in thier early 20's. 60+ years later after my grandfather died, my grandmother decided she needed to return to church. She has been faithfully active for the last several years now. She said that my mom and I were part of the reason (being active). You will find a way to preserve your marriage and live your returning faith.