Advice for a convert dating a lifetime member?


cecilyhallward
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Hello!

So I'm a brand-new convert (baptized the 14th :) ) and have recently started dating a friend of mine who has been a member his whole life. He's a returned missionary, he's at BYU, and he's amazing. We've always wanted the opportunity to be together, but my not being a member of the church previously meant that we wouldn't be able to get married, so what's the point then right?

And now everything is going beautifully, besides it being long-distance for now. We're compatible and enjoy each others' company, and I feel like we're becoming so close. The Spirit is so strong with me every time I talk to him or think about him or am around him. He's truly amazing - he's even the one that baptized me. It's very different to what I'm used to, but it's perfect.

Unfortunately, as a convert, I didn't grow up with the same standards that he did. I lost my virginity when I was 19, and have been with four people total. I have of course recognized the error of what I did, that it was inappropriate and sinful. And I truly believe that - I've repented and am still repenting...I know Heavenly Father forgives/will forgive me because I truly regret every moment that i was in bed with someone. It's a part of me that I can't get rid, even though I wish with all my heart and soul that if my beloved RM and I were to get married that he could be my first.

But I know he doesn't have to forgive me or want to even deal with it. I know he loves me, but I'm afraid this will be more than he can handle and that I'll lose him. It hasn't been very long since we started dating, but we've known each other for years and years, and I just don't know when the right time to tell him is, or how to tell him.

Any advice would be infinitely appreciated! :)

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Guest mormonmusic

You should tell him at some point. I would wait until it gets serious and the relationship has time to get root before bringing it up. There will probably be a time when he asks you, in which case you will have to tell him. If he doesn't ask, I might bring it up when marriage is on the table. Some men will say they don't care about the past of the woman they marry, others will care about it.

If it's long distance right now, well, that poses its own issues, no matter how good everything seems for the time being.

Also, if you marry a Mormon there are things to understand beforehand...it creates a support structure around you that is both great, and sometimes not great. Great because you have all these people that are committed to eternal family and family ideals (although there is variation about the mean, however). On the other hand, if you ever get disaffected from the religion, the pressure to stay active will be substantial.

Further, given the eternal marriage concept, it has disrupted marriages significantly when one spouse suffers a lapse or loss of faith or commitment at some point during their journey. There may be an expectation that you be a stay-at-home Mom and all the joy and also sacrifices this entails -- this is part of the Church culture based on a talk from one of the earlier prophets on this subject. You will have to decide how that fits with your perception of life and your testimony as well as the circumstances that you and your eventual husband find themselves in.

Given my wife's lack of interest in productive domestic responsibilities, as well as enriching parenting experiences, we have found it is best for her to work even when we had young children -- for part of their young lives. My wife took a lot of flack for this from women in the Ward (and so did I for encouraging it), but we both realized that given our personal situations, and the tension it caused in our marriage for her to be at home and not doing anything, it was better for her to be out working and to have money to pay for housekeepers and meaningful enriching experiences from professionals when our children were young (at least, for one of them).

And if you have non-member family, and decide to be married in the temple, they will not be allowed to attend the temple ceremony given its sacred nature and assignment to only active, temple-recommend-holding members of the Church. You will be able to have a civil wedding that non-member family can attend, but only if you wait a year for your temple wedding afterwards. So, you will have to work this out with your husband about what you want to do. Most favor the temple wedding even though the non-member family is sometimes a casualty, depending on their own religious or personal opinions about the Church and the temple marriage concept.

So, telling him about your sexual past is one thing to consider, but I just wanted to help you see the issues that converts face when marrying a life LDS member. I did this and I have had to work through all these kinds of issues. Some were harder than others. However, for some people these things are non-issues and the whole thing chugs along very well.

I realize marriage may be a long way off, but I think it's good to be prepared for these things, as they are all part of the experience of being a married Mormon.

P.S. Read over Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and figure out your own emotional needs and those of your husband so you don't go into your marriage blind like I did. I think it takes more than two worthy people to make a marriage that is succesful without a lot of self-changing -- which is often not necessary if you marry the right person. There is also a test you can take called PREPARE that highlights the possible points of conflict in your marriage. I would take that test to see if after all the spiritual and romantic feelings settle into the routine of life, just how happy you might actually be.

Edited by mormonmusic
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I would tell him now, rather than later. Explain to him that prior to knowing him and becoming a member, you lived like others in the world. Now that you are baptized, washed clean, and are a believer, you are chaste and waiting for the temple.

Chances are, if he's a returned missionary, he's faced people who have had chastity problems in the past, but changed on being baptized. In such a sense, it is almost as if you are a pure virgin again.

If he's truly a righteous and good person, he will forgive and overlook your past. If he's selfish, then he will reject you. But while hard, it is better to determine this now and up front, rather than finding out later - such as on the day he asks you to marry him, etc.

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If he's truly a righteous and good person, he will forgive and overlook your past. If he's selfish, then he will reject you. But while hard, it is better to determine this now and up front, rather than finding out later - such as on the day he asks you to marry him, etc.

On a side note, she deserves someone who isn't going to look upon her as damaged goods (or your preferred euphemism) or resent her past*. As such, if he can't accept her history then he's not a good choice for her. That said, it may take some time for him to accept it (though obviously you don't want to sit around for months on pins and needles waiting for him to decide) as he may not have considered the situation before and will have to work through it and decide how he feels.

* I've encountered individuals who resent that someone who sinned and is now worthy 'got to have their fun' and they didn't. It's a dangerous and foolish mindset but it's out there.

Edited by Dravin
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On a side note, she deserve someone who isn't going to look upon her as damaged goods (or your preferred euphemism) or resent her past*. As such, if he can't accept her history then he's not a good choice for her. That said, it may take some time for him to accept it (though obviously you don't want to sit around for months on pins and needles waiting for him to decide) as he may not have considered the situation before and will have to work through it and decide how he feels.

* I've encountered individuals who resent that someone sinned and is now worthy 'got to have their fun' and they didn't. It's a dangerous and foolish mindset but it's out there.

Well said.

In my experience being the good guy and marrying someone that had her wild phase, I at times resented that I never got a chance to "sow the oats" persay. I certainly didn't lack opportunites, my non-member friends were as wild as they get. I actually lost girlfriends in High School because they wanted me to be their first. I'm ashamed now that I ever felt that way and now I'm very proud of how I conducted myself thru High School. I suspect there are others who feel this way when going thru moments of weakness and immaturity in testimony and understanding of the gospel, even if they're raised in the gospel.

Whatever you do, when you tell him other than expressing regret don't apologize to him for it. You didn't have the values you do now and if he requires one in anyway or form, I'd be wary. It might come back to haunt you. Wish you the best

Edited by Windseeker
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As of the 14th when you came out of the water that was all gone ... your guy being a member should realize that ... if the Savior paid for it and doesn't remember it .... well?????? Tell him if you choose but YOU need to remember you were as clean as the day you were born on that day. Congratulations!

I agree that our spirits are washed clean but sometimes the physical consequences remain. I do think it's important to disclose sexual history regardless of whether there are known STD's etc..

Can't imagine being married to someone then finding out later I've contracted something or even something as simple as an old flame appearing or a child or cervical cancer.

It's always good to be upfront I think, if not your taking a risk. Not a good way to start a marriage IMHO.

Edited by Windseeker
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First, congrats on your baptism!!! I agree with the others who say to be honest and open with him. It's better to know that you are building your relationship on a solid foundation! Also, don't beat yourself up over this. If you have repented, and been baptized, God has forgiven you, and you should forgive yourself!

GOOD luck!

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He's a returned missionary, he's at BYU, and he's amazing.

Something to keep in mind - he might have his own past to confess to you. Going on a mission and going to BYU does NOT automatically mean "virgin", and it sure the heck doesn't mean "perfect". I suppose it increases the odds a little, but just keep in mind that when you reach a point where you tell him, don't be surprised if he's got something to tell you back.
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Hello!

So I'm a brand-new convert (baptized the 14th :) ) and have recently started dating a friend of mine who has been a member his whole life. He's a returned missionary, he's at BYU, and he's amazing. We've always wanted the opportunity to be together, but my not being a member of the church previously meant that we wouldn't be able to get married, so what's the point then right?

And now everything is going beautifully, besides it being long-distance for now. We're compatible and enjoy each others' company, and I feel like we're becoming so close. The Spirit is so strong with me every time I talk to him or think about him or am around him. He's truly amazing - he's even the one that baptized me. It's very different to what I'm used to, but it's perfect.

Unfortunately, as a convert, I didn't grow up with the same standards that he did. I lost my virginity when I was 19, and have been with four people total. I have of course recognized the error of what I did, that it was inappropriate and sinful. And I truly believe that - I've repented and am still repenting...I know Heavenly Father forgives/will forgive me because I truly regret every moment that i was in bed with someone. It's a part of me that I can't get rid, even though I wish with all my heart and soul that if my beloved RM and I were to get married that he could be my first.

But I know he doesn't have to forgive me or want to even deal with it. I know he loves me, but I'm afraid this will be more than he can handle and that I'll lose him. It hasn't been very long since we started dating, but we've known each other for years and years, and I just don't know when the right time to tell him is, or how to tell him.

Any advice would be infinitely appreciated! :)

You have known him for ever and ever. He probably already knows the thing you are hesitant to tell him. I would not wait to bring up the subject. Sounds to me like you are already pretty serious about each other.

Good luck. You are on the right road!

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