Potential Spouse Disfellowshipped


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Im a newly converted member of LDS church. I fell in love with a missionary, whose return date would have been towards the end of December '11. I never had the intention of having a relationship with this missionary as I respected the rules of engagement i.e. the missionary rules. But, he pursued me relentlessly via text. Over the course of a month and a half we had grown very close and fell in love. We complimented each other very well and understood each other. We even discussed our family life, and knew well the dynamics of our families. Our future was planned. There was a wedding date. A date for getting sealed in the temple. Where we would live. He pledged his undying love. And we both had a mutual feeling that this was true love. (we both had had many prior relationships to know that what we were feeling was real) Well. Just last week, the missionary president found out about the text, and of course he told them everything, including our sexual transgression. He was then later immediately sent home, and disfellowshipped from his church. He wrote me upon his return... he had a lot to do to get back into the church, and as for our relationship he said, "As for things with us. I feel we need to forsake options that we had previously held. To much regret but my life is now in a place where it wont work. I am sorry. I know that what I have done was wrong and I am so sorry for all the hurt i have caused. stay strong in the church. I hope you will. and I will always be here as your friend."

Of course Im hurt. I didnt understand what he was going through. And how someone who had spent almost every minute pledging his love for me, to planning our lives together, thinking of family vacations, events, places to live, even coming up with the names of our kids and our pet cat -could all of a sudden decide to end it. Can someone explain to me what might be going on in this guys head? Any advice? (before anyone starts judging me. i did in fact talk to my bishop. i have work to do myself. and i regret for not being the better person and resist the temptation when it came)

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I'm so sorry. This must be incredible heartbreak for you.

Tragically, what he did was quite a serious broach of mission rules. I don't want to sound all Molly Mormon here, but the fact is that as a missionary his job was to preach the gospel and represent the Church. He should not have been texting you in such an intimate way at this time. A sexual transgression would have messed up any planned sealing date anyway.

I suppose I don't know enough to know if his professed love for you was real, though I do like to think it was. After all, we have all heard mission love stories that have happy endings. But I do have to wonder where his priorities are. Perhaps he was so wrapped up in this love affair that he didn't realize where he was heading and the disfellowshipping woke him up. He was probably mixed up mentally and emotionally between you and his mission. Unfortunately, there are always consequences and he know has to suffer those and you have become a victim.

I really don't think (based on what I'm assuming here) he cares nothing for you. But he just had a big wake-up call and now has a laundry list of things to take care of. His life is in a rough patch right now, and he needs to get it back to where he wants/needs it before he can focus on a relationship.

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And how someone who had spent almost every minute pledging his love for me, to planning our lives together, thinking of family vacations, events, places to live, even coming up with the names of our kids and our pet cat -could all of a sudden decide to end it. Can someone explain to me what might be going on in this guys head?

Hi Eternity...seriously, what were you expecting? He was called as a representative of Christ for two years and set apart for this duty and failed because of a serious transgression.

Instead of spending almost every minute pledging his love for you and talking about baby names, he should have been with his companion preaching the Gospel and doing what he was called to do. There is nothing surprising about his "sudden" decision to end it all, IMO. He needs to get his life back together and because the relationship you and him started wasn't in the right time or in the right way (because of sexual sin) it is only natural (if he is truly sorry) that he would feel terribly about it and will try to move on from that experience.

I am really hoping for your sake (I know you are hurt) that you wasn't expecting that after all this (his behavior, the sexual transgression, the fact he was disfellowshipped, etc) he would come and ask you to marry him or something or continue the relationship. It's really not logical.

Any advice? (before anyone starts judging me. i did in fact talk to my bishop. i have work to do myself. and i regret for not being the better person and resist the temptation when it came)

Just try to get your life back together and move on. *hugs*

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Please take this in the right spirit because the only way I can really respond to you is to be direct. So here goes.

First off, I feel for you. You got swept up into this young man's world and got the daylights manipulated out of you. What was in his head was to use you for his own ends and justifying it the whole way. But you both got smacked down to reality. I can pretty much surmise that he is getting it all spelled out to him about what he had done and what he needs to do to get right with it. But please understand that the only real way for him to learn to stop all this manipulative behavior is to cut you out. So that's what he is doing. Additionally, the only way you will be able to recover from this is to cut him out. In all honesty, it's the best for the both of you.

Advice: cut him off and drop him. Don't ever have contact with him ever again. Don't friend him, don't pine for him, don't respond to him. Your relationship started in a bad way, was carried out in a bad way, and will only bring misery to the both of you if you continue. I know it's easier said than done, but it needs to be over. Look at what happened and learn from your mistake. You were on the naive side and allowed him to manipulate you into what he wanted. In a way, it's what you wanted also. It's only by looking at what had happened that you will know what to avoid in the future. Commit yourself to chastity and a Temple marriage and stick to it.

As for judging you, I can say that I don't. You got caught up in something that is all to common. It may have taken you two to get caught to bring this up to the Bishops/Mission President but in all honesty, that's the same as 99.9% of us. But you are talking to your Bishop and that can only be good. Stick close to the Church and the Gospel. It's only through the repentance process that you will find any peace of conscience and the ability to move on. Don't worry about what other's think, just concentrate on you and your salvation. Leave the rest to God and providence. I guarantee you will get through this and be a much better person for it IF you stay with, as I mentioned before, the church and the Gospel and really work on understanding how the Atonement can and will work for you.

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Actually I did think we were still gonna be together. And I did know that any plans for marriage or temple sealing would have been pushed. I normally don't factor in logic when it comes to love. I was surprised. Yes, I was very surprised. I guess being a new convert I dont understand how deeply faith plays a role in way of repentance. To give up the person you love to show you are truly sorry is a sad thing to do IMO. I thought we would both work on our relationship while getting back into the church. Why throw in the trauma of leaving the love of your life? IMO its like adding insult to injury. Honestly. Im waiting for him to come around. He hasnt responded to any of my messages. I did add that if he wanted me to really forget him and leave him alone indefinitely, all he had to do was say yes. So far no response. Id like to assume, he is still thinking about it. More time needs to pass. The bishop advised I should just let things settle, and more than likely contact will be made.

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Im an optimist and romantic at heart. So I did contact him many times and got no response. Its only been 3 days. I wrote my last letter to him today. I didn't say that it was over. I didn't say it was the last time he would hear from me. All I said was, if and when he is ready for my love, Id be waiting patiently. Of course im not a doormat. Waiting patiently for me still translates to a certain time limit. <SIGH> So, for those who think I should end it. He beat me to it. And as for me, I've pleaded and reasoned all I could. Only time will tell what will happen next. I pray every chance I get for some peace or answer as to why this all happened. I even pray for a definite answer on whether or not he will come back for me. (yeah i know. pathetic. what can i say?) If he does come back, Im gonna post it on this thread for my amusement. :) I still have a sense of humor even though my heart is broken. Thanks for all the love and advice guys.

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Actually I did think we were still gonna be together. And I did know that any plans for marriage or temple sealing would have been pushed. I normally don't factor in logic when it comes to love. I was surprised. Yes, I was very surprised. I guess being a new convert I dont understand how deeply faith plays a role in way of repentance. To give up the person you love to show you are truly sorry is a sad thing to do IMO. I thought we would both work on our relationship while getting back into the church. Why throw in the trauma of leaving the love of your life? IMO its like adding insult to injury. Honestly. Im waiting for him to come around. He hasnt responded to any of my messages. I did add that if he wanted me to really forget him and leave him alone indefinitely, all he had to do was say yes. So far no response. Id like to assume, he is still thinking about it. More time needs to pass. The bishop advised I should just let things settle, and more than likely contact will be made.

Your bishop is wise and this is indeed a case where only time will tell. However, the text you shared with us did sound kind of conclusive.

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To give up the person you love to show you are truly sorry is a sad thing to do IMO.

No. He is not giving up the person he loves to show he is truly sorry. He is trying to get his life back together. Please understand that you both did NOT had a normal relationship. He was a full time missionary who broke the chastity law with you. He made a decision to stop communicating with you, you need to respect his wish, IMO.

Why throw in the trauma of leaving the love of your life?

How do you know you was the love of his life? Because he simply said so? I'm sorry but it seems to me based on your story that it was infatuation and strong hormones at play.

Edit: I just read your response. I wish you all the best, specially peace of mind. *hugs*

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Thought this link would be appropriate for the thread:

Lock Your Heart by Spencer W. Kimball

Someone said, "Well, is there any harm to marry a Mexican girl if you are working in Mexico! "No, that isn't any crime, but it proves that some missionary has had his heart open! He has unlocked it! Is it wrong to marry a German girl when you have been on a German mission? Why no, there is no crime in that, if you met her some other way. But when you meet her in the mission field and you have opened your heart, I tell you it isn't right, and you have shortchanged your mission! Just keep your hearts locked. Your whole thought should be missionary work. How can I make it more plain and more important than that? I'd like to because there is no reason whatever for any missionary to ever become involved, not even in a decent way, with any girl in the mission field. It isn't the place! You guaranteed, you promised! You went through the Temple! You remember what you did in the Temple? Remember you promised you'd do all the things the brethren request of you, to live the commandments. That's one of the commandments when you go into the mission field: "Thou shalt not flirt! Thou shalt not associate with young women in the mission field - or anyone else for that matter - on any other basis than the proselyting basis." You promised, and you would not want to break a promise you made before the Lord in the Holy Temple of the Lord. And when you wrote, the letter of acceptance to President McKay that was implied in it. You knew of course - every missionary knows - that he isn't going out to court, that he isn't going out to find a wife! He's got plenty of opportunity when he gets home, and the mission field isn't the place.

I've heard of plenty of things that missionaries get themselves into. Some missionaries marry sister missionaries they meet on their mission. Some do go back to their missions and marry someone they met there. But to my knowledge, they didn't do anything that would warrant a disciplinary hearing and being sent home.

He is now repenting and trying to make himself right with the Lord and with the church (based on your post). That includes the 'relationship' he had started with you. I have to agree with slamjet's comments.

Read the story in the link, so you can understand more of what the mindset of a missionary should be when he is serving his mission and how he is adapting his feelings to fit this situation.

Edited by skippy740
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On a mission, his commission and covenant is to be the Lord's, and no one else's. As a new convert you may not have understood how seriously he was breaking the mission and Lord's rules. Sadly, some young missionaries become enamored and fall in love on their missions. Those who go too far, end up being disciplined for their sins (as with this young man).

Instead of focusing on saving souls, he was focused on worldly things that needed to wait until after his mission.

Now, he must rebuild his spiritual life. It is probably smart on his part (and probably counseled by his bishop and parents) to break off the relationship with you, and instead focus solely on repentance. To continue the relationship right now would be a major distraction towards this.

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In retrospect, what selfish actions on his part. Of all people, missionaries should know how fragile a convert's testimony may be, especially in the early learning stages of the gospel. The good news is, he's on the right track and is working towards being right with the Lord. I'm glad you're doing the same. But as for this man being a "potential spouse".. I'm not seeing it go anywhere now. Don't lose faith though, the Lord has a plan for you and His plan will bring you more joy than you can possibly imagine, if you live by his word. Best wishes.

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Right now, you need to focus on repenting and strengthening your testimony.

The guy needs some time also to repent and get himself back in good standing, having you around could quite possibly make repenting more difficult for him considering you were the temptation that got him where he is. (Not saying it's your fault.. just saying you being around right now will probably make things harder for him). His main focus right now should be repenting, not you.

If it really is true love then he will come back to you, if not then there's someone else out there they may be better for you.

Give it time, be patient and give him some space.

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Wow, my heart goes out to you.

It might be hard to hear, but everyone is correct. He should not have even been thinking about this while serving a mission. I know people's mind wonders while on a mission, but when it did, he should have refocused, not fed the hunger for it. It's hard to be away from home for two years and to stay focused, I know that I served a mission (Tho I am female and only do 18 months) It's hard, but possible. He messed up, he got caught up in something he shouldn't have. He was not focusing on his job. Once caught up, it's easy to sink deeper, that's what he did.

Now he is trying to repent and move on. It's hard for you, you are just left hanging. My advice to to get off the hook and move on. Cry or whatever you need to do to move on then do so. You will be doing the right thing. Good luck and hugs!

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First, an internet hug (()). Hang in there.

Next, a little insight for you, for what it is worth. You asked about what might be going on in his head or going on with him. I will try to address that question and not the right/wrong of the actions of either of you, his parents and friends, or church leaders. So here goes.

If all you had done was texted and talked, then had the mission president found out the probability is that he would have been forbidden contact with you until after he was home and released in December, and he would have had some repenting to do, but he would probably not have been sent home. That was more than likely the result of the chastity transgression.

When he was sent home he would have been released from his missionary status by the mission president. Everyone in his home ward, his stake, and his family will have also known he was sent home early. They will not know the specifics of why unless he chooses to tell them, or someone that he tells also shares that with others. In the meantime they will wonder. He will be expected by family, friends, and church leaders to begin the repentence process. There will be significant disappointment on the part of his family and church leaders. How they treat him will of course depend on the individuals involved. I have seen some missionaries welcomed home with loving arms and some that are ostracized or shunned. He will likely experience a great deal of guilt. He might use that to repent on move on with his life. He may also internalize that and turn it into feelings of self loathing. He might turn away from the Gospel. He may blame himself, he may blame you. All are possible outcomes. It is hard to know, if he can't or won't share what he is feeling. It is even possible that he has been counciled by family, friends, or leaders to have nothing to do with you. We don't know.

What we do know is that according to his text he would still like to be friends. You have written him a letter. I trust that you have explained your feelings, and you have let him know that you are there when he is ready to talk. I think that is the best that you can do in the situation.

Advice?

I think you bishop counciled you well. Give him some time and space and see what happens.

-RM

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Well. Just last week, the missionary president found out about the text, and of course he told them everything, including our sexual transgression.

Wow. That's quite the casual reveal. "He told about the texting and also the sex, which I forgot to mention."

I am extremely surprised that the missionary was not excommunicated. He committed adultery, and with a new convert, no less. That is pretty darn grave, no matter how you slice it. I assume you must somehow have failed to realize the seriousness of engaging in sex outside of marriage, or perhaps you simply trusted an untrustworthy missionary.

I am sorry for your feelings of betrayal and loss. The missionary is clearly very immature and cannot be ready for a serious, lifelong commitment. If he would have sex with an investigator while serving a mission, he cannot possibly be relied upon to be a good and faithful husband. His "dumping" of you is further evidence of his immaturity, though to be fair, he may really need to turn his back on his adulterous past altogether in order to begin repentance.

He probably will not be coming back, and this is probably a good thing. Please complete your own repentance, get yourself in spiritual shape, and move on with your life. Your bishop will help you with kindness and love, and your fellow members (who need not know of your transgression with the missionary, and probably should not be told) will give you friendship and fellowship.

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Im 26 years old. RMGuy thankyou, thank you, thank you for your post. This was the MOST helpful response of them all. I know he needs to repent. I know I need to repent. I now know he needs his space in order for his repentance to be of reverence. I understand all this. I was wrong to think he was mature enough to handle the situation spiritually and respectfully. BEYOND the LDS world, one has to understand the level of respect one should bestow upon the individual he/she was involved with. No one on this forum will truly know the connection we had. So, Im not going to try to make you believe it was real. I want everyone to know, I would have been more at peace if the break up was over the phone with a better of explanation of what's going on in his head -and I would have left it at that. I was left in the dark with one cryptic message from him. I was given no solace, and no compassion. All I wanted was answers. It's sad that I had to search for answers via an LDS forum.

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Also, this may not impact how others think (i.e. relationship was based on infatuation and hormones)..... We connected mentally and emotionally before any intimacy took place. It was the week before he was sent home that any physical contact took place.

It doesn't because they aren't mutually exclusive. The only one here who truly knows the situation is you, people can only go by what is presented and their past experience. Thus you end up with people reading the events and based on the aforementioned past experience, concluding that the mistake of confusing infatuation for something more stable and durable is highly likely.

It's one of the vagaries of the internet. The advice you receive is only worth how completely your particular situation matches how it is perceived, and how applicable the past experiences of complete strangers is to your situation.

Edited by Dravin
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Hmmm.... for some reason the site wont allow me to correct my member profile. It keeps making me log in every time i click on "Edit Profile". Agh.... whatever.

If you scroll to the bottom of the screen and click the "contact us" button you should be able to send a message to Pam and she will be able to validate your account. The same thing happened to me when I joined.

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