Spartan117 Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 I'm going to have to respectfully disagree. There are many individuals whose relationships do not follow gospel principles that not only remain together or married, but happily so. -RMBreaking the law of chastity with a new convert on your mission is well beyond not following gospel principles. If the nature of a relationship involves breaking covenants made in the temple and jeopardizing your membership in the church, I don't think they will be happy together. Wickedness never was happiness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMGuy Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 Thanks Spartan. I wasn't replying directly to the OP, but reather to MormonFlip. That statement simply isn't true. I think anyone looking at the general population realizes that there are numerous couples out there that are not obedient to gospel standards and YET are very happy. Similarly looking at individuals on this board, obedience to the same commandments doesn't neccesarily equate to maritial bliss. The general statement is flawed. I agree that the OP's specific situation is problematic. -RM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vort Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 I'm going to have to respectfully disagree. There are many individuals whose relationships do not follow gospel principles that not only remain together or married, but happily so.But that is not disobedience. You can't disobey a commandment you have never received. Also, being "happy" right now is no guarantee of being happy in ten years, or a hundred, or a thousand.Those whose relationship is founded on immorality or dishonesty are absolutely sure to lose that relationship. Their only hope is to replace the foundation of their relationship with something more enduring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spartan117 Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 Thanks Spartan. I wasn't replying directly to the OP, but reather to MormonFlip. That statement simply isn't true. I think anyone looking at the general population realizes that there are numerous couples out there that are not obedient to gospel standards and YET are very happy. Similarly looking at individuals on this board, obedience to the same commandments doesn't neccesarily equate to maritial bliss. The general statement is flawed. I agree that the OP's specific situation is problematic. -RMApologies Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMGuy Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 No worries Spartan....and dang you were quick on the response today! Hope you have a great holiday! -RM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mormonmusic Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 Similarly looking at individuals on this board, obedience to the same commandments doesn't neccesarily equate to maritial bliss. The general statement is flawed. I agree that the OP's specific situation is problematic. -RMYes I agree wholeheartedly with what RMGuy said above. There is more to marital bliss than simply living the commandments of the Church. This is important, but it's not NEAR enough for a happy marriage. Many of you know my story and that I was obedient in my marriage and the commandments, and still am. And although I have periods of happiness, there is an undertone of misery that rears its head at different intervals. And I now believe that for some, divorce is the way to a happier life when all else has failed over years and years of trying. Temple marriage or not. At times, it's the right thing to do -- and only the individual can make that decision. But to the OP, I'm sorry this happened. The Church is so entwined in a person's life and family, and what he is probably experiencing in his home Ward and Stake is probably so trying, it probably has him feeling badly about the relationship, even above and beyond the chastity-breaking. Space is everything. I empathize that it must hurt to have the news broken via text message. That must be hard after everything you shared. I think one of the best answers you can give is that you want him to have his space, to take the steps he needs to get back his inner peace, and that when/if he wants to connect, he knows where you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eternity Posted October 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 The Church is so entwined in a person's life and family, and what he is probably experiencing in his home Ward and Stake is probably so trying, it probably has him feeling badly about the relationship, even above and beyond the chastity-breaking.That is my same conclusion. I agree that this is the reason why he has not contacted me yet. I know him well enough that he definitely feels the shame and guilt and would like to make everything right again. I also know that how his family and church receive him, weighs very heavily on his heart. This makes it impossible to get through to him. Only he can initiate contact. I am giving him the time and space he needs. I have made it very clear that ill always be here waiting patiently.Thank you for all the love and support. In addition to the gospel, family, and friends, the posts have helped me through this heartache. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 I hope this doesn't come off as patronizing, but I would like to say that this romance was wrong time-wrong place. I really do hope things steady out later on... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eternity Posted November 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2011 I hope this doesn't come off as patronizing, but I would like to say that this romance was wrong time-wrong place. I really do hope things steady out later on...I don't want to say it was wrong time/place. We are only human and we have hearts for a reason. As strict as missionary rules are, I understand that they are in place so that the missionaries are put in check and objectives are met. I don't believe our savior would frown upon two individuals in love. There was no malicious intent to what we did. What we should have done, was put our feelings on hold till he had completed his mission. I have never much regretted anything in my life. This situation definitely has me wishing I could hit "rewind" and do many things differently. Im trying to understand what else happens during repentance aside from just following the 6 step process. I know he was stripped of his priesthood....and im sure there are more things technical that he cant do or be a part of. Can someone give me an idea of what goes on behind the scenes of disciplinary action? I want to know what he is going through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippy740 Posted November 1, 2011 Report Share Posted November 1, 2011 There are two major methods of church discipline: disfellowshipping & excommunication. Excommunication means that your name is removed from church records. You are no longer a member of the church. You no longer have your priesthood. You no longer wear temple garments. Your patriarchal blessing, while an important document, is no longer valid. You cannot pay tithing. You probably should not be partaking of the sacrament. You cannot participate in the blessing, preparation or passing of the sacrament. You cannot go home teaching. You can attend church meetings, but you cannot pray in public on behalf of the group. In essence, you are a non-member with a rocky road ahead towards becoming a member again. Disfellowshipping is much less severe. You are still a member of the church. However, disfellowshipping can be customized to the individual. Typically, one does not partake of the sacrament (let alone in the blessing, preparation and passing of the sacrament), say group prayers, or participate in home teaching. However, as an endowed, but disfellowshipped member, you still retain your priesthood and can wear your temple garments. Your patriarchal blessing is still 'valid'. It can feel pretty lonely, but it is the way to show what your life is like when you don't keep the commandments that we covenant to keep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eternity Posted November 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 1, 2011 For a lack of a better word or just not knowing how to "word" it.... what does he have to do to no longer be "disfellowshipped"? Please give me a close example. What is the average time taken to get back into good graces for this type of transgression? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skippy740 Posted November 1, 2011 Report Share Posted November 1, 2011 He'll probably be having regular meetings with his bishop, attending all his meetings and focusing more on the Lord as he can. The length of time is dependent upon his progression and the inspiration of the bishop. Those that have been in this position are typically disfellowshipped for 3-6 months. But there is no 'typical' case either. Different bishops may do things differently. It depends on what is in the Church Leadership handbook as well as how the Bishop is directed by the Spirit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted November 1, 2011 Report Share Posted November 1, 2011 What we should have done, was put our feelings on hold till he had completed his mission. Which is what I mean by wrong time/wrong place.I am glad you see this, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RMGuy Posted November 2, 2011 Report Share Posted November 2, 2011 For a lack of a better word or just not knowing how to "word" it.... what does he have to do to no longer be "disfellowshipped"? Please give me a close example. What is the average time taken to get back into good graces for this type of transgression?You haven't shared, and shouldn't share....but what happens will probably depend on what has already happened. I noticed in your original post that you mentioned you broke the law of chastity, but the result will probably be different if it was intercourse than if it was something else. Hang in there.-RM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted November 2, 2011 Report Share Posted November 2, 2011 For a lack of a better word or just not knowing how to "word" it.... what does he have to do to no longer be "disfellowshipped"? Please give me a close example. What is the average time taken to get back into good graces for this type of transgression?It's not a matter of getting back into the good graces of the church, but him going through the repentance process. The only answer would be he will be returned to full membership when he has gone through the complete repentance process. How long it takes is up to him. I've heard of some go as short as six months. I know of one who is still at it after a matter of years. Each is different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moocow Posted November 4, 2011 Report Share Posted November 4, 2011 As far as what he wants with your relationship, I don't know. He's probably more pressured by family and his bishop than really thinking about his love for you. He has had a huge reality check and his feelings may have shifted dramatically. As for your relationship, based on what you've said, it sounds like you are both pretty young. To carry on a relationship via text for however long you did, you can't really get to know a person as well as if you actually went on dates together and experienced everyday normal interactions together. You know, go to the grocery store or take a mini road trip. What probably happened was that you were both really looking for something amazing and were able to provide some great distractions for each other even though he was busy being a missionary. The fact that you set a wedding date, picked out where you would live, what pets you'd have, the names of your future kids, etc. tells me that you were both really imaginative and idealistic, but not very realistic. It sounds like you moved really fast in your relationship. And as far as the sexual transgression, that again sounds like you moved too fast and didn't use a lot of good judgement. In the beginning of every relationship you go through a "honeymoon" stage. After that you can finally see the negative sides to a person to help you make a better decision. Missionaries tend to act a little strange when they're on their missions away from everyone they know, hanging out with guys all day. You were FUN, but I don't know about FOREVER. Keep your head up. (Also, if you want to get him back, you need to act busy and act like you don't care too much. Remind him subtly of why he loved you, but then be just out of reach. Make him show you that he's willing to work for you.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twort Posted November 14, 2011 Report Share Posted November 14, 2011 Hi Eternity...seriously, what were you expecting? He was called as a representative of Christ for two years and set apart for this duty and failed because of a serious transgression. Instead of spending almost every minute pledging his love for you and talking about baby names, he should have been with his companion preaching the Gospel and doing what he was called to do. There is nothing surprising about his "sudden" decision to end it all, IMO. He needs to get his life back together and because the relationship you and him started wasn't in the right time or in the right way (because of sexual sin) it is only natural (if he is truly sorry) that he would feel terribly about it and will try to move on from that experience. I am really hoping for your sake (I know you are hurt) that you wasn't expecting that after all this (his behavior, the sexual transgression, the fact he was disfellowshipped, etc) he would come and ask you to marry him or something or continue the relationship. It's really not logical.Just try to get your life back together and move on. *hugs*Seriously... chill out Suzie and don't talk down to her... I'm so sorry about this... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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