advise DESPERATLY needed

[gingerjess]

Ok so I married a man from the church. I converted to The CJCLDS and was baptised the day after we were married. I had 3 kids to a previous abusive relationship. My husband and I split while i was pregnant with our first child together. then we got back together. we have been reconciled for 5 years now. the unfortunatte thing is that in this time my husband has been suffering with undiagnosed schitzophrenia. he had full blown delusions and auditory hullucinations. he thought i was cheating on him and was always accussing me of this. he became domestically violent as he believed the thoughts he was having about me being unfaithful. recently he hit me, hit me hard. i ended up with a broken cheek bone and blow out fracture. he explained that he thought he was going crazy and sought help. he has been put on medication (anti-psychotics) and he sincerley is a changed man. his aggression is gone, he is no longer paranoid and i feel as though i have the man i married back. i was just starting to enjoy my marriage and feel right in my desicion to stand by him when i had this dream. i dreamt he was unfaithful. i asked him straight out and to my utter astonishment he admitted that HE had been unfaithful about 4 weeks ago, right after our anniversary. he had hired a prostitute and told me he had to work late. there is no way i would ever have known about this had he not told me. he said that now the meds are working he is ashamed of who he was and did not want to rebuild our marriage on a lie. I was winded when i found out. i literally could not breathe. I had NEVER Suspected him of doing anything like this. that is why the dream was so weird. now he says he is sorry and wants to make things work. i heard him this morning and he was holding me thinking i was asleep and he was praying out loud.he asked heavenly father to bless me and take away the pain he had caused me and that i would stay his eternal companion and find it through the atonement the ability to forgive him. i really want to . i love him. i feel he is meant to be my eternal companion, but i am scared i am being manipulated. i said in sickness and health and i truely think he was sick when he committed all these sins. we have not been active in the church and i am hoping that it is with the church we will build our relationship with one another and god. please help me with any advice you may have. my family think i have lost all self respect wanting to continue with the marriage :sad:

[mirkwood]

HE had been unfaithful about 4 weeks ago

Was this while still suffering from the schizophrenia? Mental health issues will be a factor in how you choose to deal with what has happened. While it should not be an excuse, it can't be discounted completely either. Talk to your bishop for guidance.

[Guest gopecon]

I think that your best source of advice is either your bishop or a professional counselor. There's no way for us to know if he is sincere or not, or how mentally ill he is (and how much he can be helped). I'd also take it to Heavenly Father in fasting and prayer.

[gingerjess]

thank you so much for your responses. the dr said that he was having auditory hullucinations and delusions. he was very sick. yes he did all of the above before treatment. this is why i am finding it so hard to beable to hold it against him.

[NeuroTypical]

The only advice I can offer, is to do what is best for your children. They will grow up with you as their role model, you will let them know what a woman should tolerate in a marriage, and what a woman should not tolerate. Daughters will probably be like you, sons will probably marry someone like you. So let that image be your guide as you make your choices.

God bless and good luck.

[applepansy]

Since he admitted to being with a a prostitute you need to see your doctor and be tested for all STDs.

Other than that. I agree with LM. You and your husband are not the only ones affected by your decisions. Your children need to come first.

Best Wishes.

[Bini]

Evaluate your marriage carefully. Your children should be priority and shouldn't have to suffer because daddy can't/won't get it together.

ETA. You cannot protect your children if you cannot protect yourself.

Edited November 2, 2011 by Bini

[dahlia]

I have a half-sister who is a paranoid schizophrenic. I also worked with adult schizophrenics when I practiced law (setting up trusts so their parents could leave money for their care).

First, how do you know your husband is telling you the truth? I'm not saying he's lying, but that he might be imagining the encounter.

Second, I think you need to do some thinking about how, and if, you can make your marriage work. For lack of a better way to put it, schizophrenia is some deep stuff. I cannot imagine living around a schizophrenic or trying to raise children around one.

The problem with meds is that once the person starts feeling better, they often go off their meds, because they're 'better' now. Then it is almost impossible to get them to go back on meds (they don't call them 'paranoid' for nothing). On top of that, the laws now are such that it is hard to get someone hospitalized, even a 72 hour hospitalization, short of them trying to kill you or themselves. The result is that the schizophrenic may go for months or years before they go back on meds. Meanwhile, their friends and family are going through hell on earth.

Good luck, but I think you need to talk to a doctor about whether continuing to live with him his a good move, and what you can do if he stops taking his meds.

[annewandering]

You have to decide for yourself if you love him enough to deal with this. If you can not commit to that long term then get out. You wont be helping him or yourself.

One thing has to be definite. He has to take his meds. One of the most difficult things to deal with in this illness is the meds. They often make the person feel much worse than the delusions do.

I do know a woman who was married to a man with the illness. Together they decided he would not take his meds. It actually worked for them. Hard to imagine but it did. Staying married to him is going to be a difficult ride for you but it can be done if you decide it will be done.

As far as the kids go. it is easy to see how you might not want them around him. On the other hand what does that teach them? And a big thing to know is this. It is inheritable. It is not unlikely one or more of your children will have the same illness. If you decide to leave your husband will your children worry you will leave them if they inherit the illness?

I know its scary. You are going to need lots of prayers whatever you chose and a lot of prayers to even decide. Good luck and a few hugs even.

[NeuroTypical]

I don't usually recommend R rated movies, but A Beautiful Mind is a very interesting and touching movie about how a guy learns to make it through his life with a pretty hefty mental illness.

[Mamas_Girl]

I had 3 kids... my husband has been suffering with undiagnosed schitzophrenia. he had full blown delusions and auditory hullucinations... he has been put on medication (anti-psychotics) and he sincerley is a changed man. his aggression is gone, he is no longer paranoid and i feel as though i have the man i married back. please help me with any advice you may have.

How old are your children? My words may seem harsh, but they are the true experiences of a young boy growing up in a home with a ps father.

While you did take vows to love through sickness and in health, ps is a very dangerous illness, not only for the spouse, but also for the children who grow up in the household. My husband was about 12 years old when his father was diagnosed with ps and for some reason my mother-in-law refused to divorce him. Of course this was 30 years ago and they have improved medications and treatments now I'm sure. My husband spent 4 years listening to a man just like you're describing the delusions, the hullucinations, having to dismantle things because the "system bugged it." They tried to put his father in mental hospitals, but somehow the hospitals back then couldn't force a patient to stay. His father would be sitting on the porch step when my husband would get home from school.

The form of torture and mental abuse that he suffered from has scarred him for life. After all this time he still relives his childhood pretty much daily (not all day, but even an hour or two is too much). You can see the fear, the hurt, the aging in his eyes. They grow up quickly in this sort of environment. He has nightmares, daymares. Even though he knows intellectually that his father isn't here and can't get to him there are days that all the comfort in the world can't convince him that he's now safe. My husband's been to a psychiatrist who tested him, and he's perfectly normal psycologically, except he's suffering from post traumatic stress from prolonged childhood abuse.

Please, all I ask is that when considering all you have to consider -- think about the children. What if he decides not to take the medicines? Your husband has already assulted you severely, yes before he started taking the medicines but still... your life and the life of your children is your first priority. I'm not saying to run now, but be prepared if he should ever lapse on his medication -- your children will bless you in the end.

[sister_in_faith]

Start getting together a good "team" to combat this illness. You need a good psychiatrist, and a therapist, for you, for him, and for couples therapy (can be the same person). You need to make sure that you are able to go to his appointments with him, so you know what is going on. You need to make sure that he is taking his meds as prescribed, and be aware of any side effects he is experiencing. If side effects are an issue, make sure to tell his doc right away. You want to get together a relapse plan so that it is very clear to everyone how that eventuality will be handled (this includes what will happen if he chooses to stop taking meds). The above advice is only if you choose to stay with him.

I have to say something about the physical violence. To me it is an ABSOLUTE DEAL BREAKER. It means that he could do something like that again. My actual advice to you is to leave. You do not deserve to be hit and hurt. Period. Yes, he is doing better on meds, but the likelyhood that he will actually stay on his meds is very small. I think you should cut your losses and leave now. You deserve better.

[Gramajane]

Well, you have me wondering here? A temple eternal wedding or a wedding in the church house for time? As temple weddings don't say "sickness and health"?

Still most all the advice the others gave is good. You must think and pray about this with considering all things, and you are AS important as the children, it is a package deal!

Maybe you could make some deal where he takes his meds (that you keep in your care) with you watching, and behaves himself to keep with him- if not- you may be putting yourself and children in great danger.

[annewandering]

One thing to remember is you said he has schizophrenia not paranoid schizophrenia. They are not the same thing. Ps is the paranoid version.

[MorningStar]

I don't usually recommend R rated movies, but A Beautiful Mind is a very interesting and touching movie about how a guy learns to make it through his life with a pretty hefty mental illness.

It's PG-13.