I've messed up, cheated on husband. Need advice/help


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I'll just get straight to it, spare a lot of details. After about 6 months of having an emotional affair, things went too far and now I'm full of guilt and remorse. Never thought I'd be in this situation, never meant for this to happen.

I've been married for 20+ years, was married in the temple. All my family, grown up kids, and family on both sides are very active in the church. While things haven't been perfect with my husband, I still love him and don't want to hurt him. He has been verbally abusive to me at times, and I've almost left him a couple times. Things have been ok lately though. But, I'm scared to tell him. Afraid of what he'll do. I'm so confused and distraught at what to do next.

My questions are:

Have I lost all chance of having an eternal family? Have I lost them forever? If not, how can I get them back?

Some days I want to tell him now, but I just can't. Is it worse for me to wait and tell him later? Six months? A year? Two years? I'm so scared of his temper and all the stress he has with his job etc. I just can't do it right now. How will it affect the repentance process if I wait?

I have so many other questions, I'm lost. Please help!!

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The more remorseful and repentant you are regarding the sin... the quicker you will want to have it resolved with both the church and your husband.

Yoda: "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." [The Phantom Menace]

Yoda: "Train yourself to let go... of everything you fear to lose." [Revenge of the Sith]

Of course, as with everything in life... it's much easier to say & type it than it is to do it.

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My questions are:

Have I lost all chance of having an eternal family?

Absolutely NOT!

Have I lost them forever?

That depends on you. However, that's not the way the gospel reads to me.

If not, how can I get them back?

Go talk to your Bishop. Confession is the start of the repentance process. That's what you will have to go through to get back on track.

Some days I want to tell him now, but I just can't. Is it worse for me to wait and tell him later? Six months? A year? Two years? I'm so scared of his temper and all the stress he has with his job etc. I just can't do it right now. How will it affect the repentance process if I wait?

We don't know your husband and this has been a point of debate on this forum. However, I personally think that the sooner he knows the better. But I would really pray hard about it.

I have so many other questions, I'm lost. Please help!!

The best person to have all your questions answered is your Bishop. He knows you and can guide you along the path of repentance. I can tell you that I know personally that you are not lost forever, nor is God angry at you. He expects us to mess up. If you really think about it, we are spirits having a mortal experience having been given a huge amount of responsibility. We will make mistakes. That's why the Atonement was performed and given to every one of us because we need a way to make ourselves clean. But it depends on how much desire we have to accept the Atonement for ourself.

Also remember that the Atonement is meant for us as individuals, since that's how God sees and relates to us. Go to your Bishop and start the process. It will be long and difficult, but the first step in letting God take our pain and sins is to begin to more earnestly keep his commandments.

Finally, God's love is free and unchanging. There is nothing you can ever do to mess that up. He will answer your prayers. So start and keep talking to him.

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Guest mormonmusic

I don't think you've lost all hope -- that's why we have the atonement.

Regarding telling your husband. Well, if you tell the Bishop, your husband will probably have to know, as there will likely be Church discipline. No one can say but the disciplinary council what the outcome will be although disfellowshipment or probation seem likely. However, I don't know details and can't say for sure. It is their call.

I'm torn on the mandate that you tell your husband about such things. I personally see no reason to tell the children. One one hand, it means your husband has the truth and it can be a wake-up call for the couple to make changes. On the other hand, the ramifications can be difficult as you have indicated.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Those who know me know that I always recommend Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice as a place to read about what makes marriages tick, and why couples resort to infidelity. It's helped me understand my own marriage which has been difficult at times.

In this case, the person you cheated with met some powerful emotional needs you weren't getting met at home, and this triggered love, which led to unfaithfulness. You need to find out which needs were not being met in your marriage, so your husband can figure out how to meet them better. There may also be needs you are not meeting that are possessed by your husband that makes it hard for him to meet yours willingly.

So, independent of what the Bishop says, I would seek some marriage counseling when the time is right == with your husband. I've had some, and the counselor I spoke to told me that it's usually a result of BOTH people's actions that these things happen.

Good luck, I feel for you.

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So, independent of what the Bishop says, I would seek some marriage counseling when the time is right == with your husband. I've had some, and the counselor I spoke to told me that it's usually a result of BOTH people's actions that these things happen.

Good luck, I feel for you.

Did I read this correctly? Are you saying it's the husband's fault this woman did what she did? WOW.

Well, everyone has already answered, but I'll just repeat the obvious: through repentance, and the atonement, salvation is not lost. However, the husband has the right to walk away if he chooses, or work things out.

I'm just not a big fan of laying blame on the offended spouse's shoulders. Whatever he did or did not do, that doesn't justify such betrayal. If you're not in love with your spouse, walk away and get a divorce. But it's a personal decision that each offended spouse has to make.

Edited by quietldsguy
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bambiei66: For everyone has sin and fallen short to the glory of God, and I understand your guilt that came with such repentance, but you know God, said he does forbid divorcement. As a woman of deeply touched and much more greater effective to know that all things work together for those that loves the Lord Jesus Christ, and whatever God, does stay humble before your husband with deep tears and explainations to not think that you do not love him, but you are deeply sorry for your falling unto such a sin that has caused him to jealousy and quite anger. There is nothing that God, can not put back together that which was lost. I once in my life had to except and understand. Your heart is broken, as well to how he must feel exspecially being once a fall although because of my husband committed the adultry sin first, which two wrongs did not make it right.

I know that God. said do not give a written divorce unless it be because of adultry, but if this be more case of both of you going back unto the deepest faith moving power for God, and you family, remember and always announce to God, in prayer the total sorrow for the mistaken made in doing such a thing. You just do unto your inside heart the hardest as the first time he look into your eyes, and everytime the mind ponder on the sin, pray to the heavenly father repentance seventy times seven okay? I will advice you to contact the Bishop, with him for counseling your marriage, as the church is there for the members on all terms with the love for families to stay as one. I still love you, because we all have fallen short to the goodest of God, glory. For not a one is perfect or rightgeous that has not fallen unto sin, but bulid your heart to God, and your husband and sin no more.Remember the word of Heavenly Father God, is for all that needs to comes into repentance from all sin, as well to keep us from sin. Nothing can seperate what God, has put together.

I understabd the problems in weakness from many of life trails, although the accuseable sin that afflicts the heart so deep that satan drives and hopes us to fall away, thinking God, will not except our hearts, in prayers, but since sometimes we draw anger to abide be not a fighter to return with a truly heart and take on the fight to stay an believer of the faith to God, okay? No greater sin, than is to hateth your neighbor and love whom is the more respector of persons, and God, states all what is needed in His ord for all that comes our way.

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You can be forgiven it isnt over. Expect your husband to take it hard, if you have any kids still at home make sure they go to a babysitter or somewhere else for the day you chose to tell him.

This is not gonna be easy at all, you need to have a strong commitment to make this work. Even then depending on what type fo person your husband is it may not be enough. I was willing to forgive my wife and work things out it hasnt been easy it still isnt easy but we both are commited and working on it every day.

Our marriage now is in such a better place then it was before its still not perfect but I think we are stronger for it. If your not sure how to tell your husband talk to your bishop 1st explain to him everything and he will help counsil you on how to proceed.

Marriage counseling is a must dont skip it, I also highly recommend the marriagebuilders site. They also have a forums that has a lot of people who have been through the same thing. His needs Her Needs book was also really helpful to me in understanding why it happened which was important to me.

Also I dont think it was the husband fault at all either, she chose to make the wrong choice not him. Sure things may have not been great but that is no excuse at all period.

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Did I read this correctly? Are you saying it's the husband's fault this woman did what she did? WOW.

I don't think it's the spouses "fault" in the way you're thinking. When you get to the point where your spouse is having an affair, there have already been some really big mistakes made. There are all kinds of things that BOTH spouses could have done way before an affair happens. You don't forget to take the trash out one night and wake up the next day to your spouse cheating on you.

That being said, the responsibility is always 100% on the shoulders of the person who makes the actual choice to cheat. You get to own that all by yourself. IF the relationship is going to be salvaged, then you're going to have to take a real look at what lead up to this. There IS going to be something that each spouse could/should have done/not done. Both will have to admit their faults. One will just have a lot more fault they have claim.

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Guest mormonmusic

Did I read this correctly? Are you saying it's the husband's fault this woman did what she did? WOW.

Well, everyone has already answered, but I'll just repeat the obvious: through repentance, and the atonement, salvation is not lost. However, the husband has the right to walk away if he chooses, or work things out.

I'm just not a big fan of laying blame on the offended spouse's shoulders. Whatever he did or did not do, that doesn't justify such betrayal. If you're not in love with your spouse, walk away and get a divorce. But it's a personal decision that each offended spouse has to make.

I didn't lay blame on the offended spouse --as I said, BOTH have probably made errors. I'm not laying blame either -- I'm trying to solve the problem. There are probably things not working in the marriage, and the husband needs to know what they are. I'm not blaming him, I'm suggesting they need to look at what was missing in her marriage so she looked outside the marriage for love.

I knew one woman who cheated on her husband -- she told me. I found out why she did it. She had a high need for financial support and he was wasting their money on a bad investment (a business). He was also spending an inordinate amount of time away from the home at this business, leaving it entirely up to her to raise the kids. So her top two needs were not met -- financial support and family commitment.

So, as loved waned, she found someone else who met her emotional needs, and got naked with him.

Now, is this laying blame on the offended spouse? No!!! It's diagnosing what went wrong in her marriage, and why love left. Am I justifying the behavior of the wayward spouse? Definitely not -- I'm diagnosing what contributed to her lack of fidelity -- while not excusing her in the least bit for what happened.

I felt the best thing for their marriage was to sell the business. Finally, he did it, and then her griping about the marriage ended, she ended the affair, and that was all I heard about it.

By the way, she was a non-member.

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I want to thank all who have shared their thoughts, ideas, and personal experiences. The last couple days I have prayed a lot, and I have felt the love from Heavenly Father and my Savior. I'm still not sure when to confess to my bishop and husband. There are some other factors that I can not ignore and I am still very worried about how he will react. My youngest son is also a factor in this decision because if he finds out who I had the affair with, it will be very very hard on him.

I know I need to confess, I know I have to tell my husband. I understand he will ultimately have to be the one to decide whether or not to divorce me or try to work things out. I'm praying for the strength to know when to confess. I"m still having very mixed emotions about that decision.

Thank you again to all of you. You have given me some hope and strenght. Please keep posting any more thoughts or ideas that can be of help to me. I will continue to need all the help and support I can get, and right now this forum is all I have!

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I don't think it's the spouses "fault" in the way you're thinking. When you get to the point where your spouse is having an affair, there have already been some really big mistakes made. There are all kinds of things that BOTH spouses could have done way before an affair happens. You don't forget to take the trash out one night and wake up the next day to your spouse cheating on you.

That being said, the responsibility is always 100% on the shoulders of the person who makes the actual choice to cheat. You get to own that all by yourself. IF the relationship is going to be salvaged, then you're going to have to take a real look at what lead up to this. There IS going to be something that each spouse could/should have done/not done. Both will have to admit their faults. One will just have a lot more fault they have claim.

Well, if she felt the need to cheat, IS there a relationship to salvage?

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Now, is this laying blame on the offended spouse? No!!! It's diagnosing what went wrong in her marriage, and why love left. Am I justifying the behavior of the wayward spouse? Definitely not -- I'm diagnosing what contributed to her lack of fidelity -- while not excusing her in the least bit for what happened.

Every marriage where a spouse cheats there are needs not being met on both sides. I believe the majority of married people do not have every need met, they have learned to compromise and they don't go to someone other than their spouse to meet their needs, those needs simply go unfulfilled.

While I think it's important to work on understanding and meeting the needs of your spouse and to seek to share your needs with your spouse. Once someone willingly goes as far as adultery, expressing needs at that point ends up sounding allot like lame excuses.

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Bambi,

I recently decided to tell my wife about an affair I had several years ago. There were some other circumstances involved (wife had a bf also), but she decided our marriage is not worth repairing. I waited a number of years to tell her. She inquired why I didn't tell her immediately. Of course, I was ashamed and scared to tell her. She felt I wasted several years of her life b/c she would have left me immediately had she known.

So applying my situation to yours I would say that you must be prepared to have your world turned upside down when you tell your husband. Although, I personally believe men are more willing to forgive adultery than women. I would have never imagined the fall out of my life when I decided to admit I cheated on her. Do I regret telling her ? I honestly am not sure. I miss my kids, my wife, my house, my life.

I know long term it will likely be worth it. Right now there are some days I wonder if I want to even wake up. So keep these things in mind as you move forward. The bottom line is I don't think there is a good time to tell. It is going to be TOUGH anytime you have to tell your spouse you cheated on them and betrayed their trust and broke your marriage covenent. But your spouse does deserve the truth. He will decide your immediate future from there. Good Luck and stay strong in the gospel. The atonement is the way back.

Edited by ManChild
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Part of the repentance process is making restitution. I don't think you can do that without confessing this to your husband. He has to be given the opportunity to forgive you or not. The sooner you come forward with remorse, the easier it will be for him to forgive. The longer you wait, the longer the betrayal will seem to him. Do not put this off if you have any desire to save your marriage.

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I don't think it's the spouses "fault" in the way you're thinking. When you get to the point where your spouse is having an affair, there have already been some really big mistakes made. There are all kinds of things that BOTH spouses could have done way before an affair happens. You don't forget to take the trash out one night and wake up the next day to your spouse cheating on you.

That being said, the responsibility is always 100% on the shoulders of the person who makes the actual choice to cheat. You get to own that all by yourself. IF the relationship is going to be salvaged, then you're going to have to take a real look at what lead up to this. There IS going to be something that each spouse could/should have done/not done. Both will have to admit their faults. One will just have a lot more fault they have claim.

There's an obvious contradiction here, if both did things to cause the affair then both share then blame, not that its 100% on the shoulders of the cheater; and vice/versa if 100% of the blame is on the cheater then the innocent spouse is actually innocent!

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I'll just get straight to it, spare a lot of details. After about 6 months of having an emotional affair, things went too far and now I'm full of guilt and remorse. Never thought I'd be in this situation, never meant for this to happen.

I've........

My questions are:

Have I lost all chance of having an eternal family? Have I lost them forever? If not, how can I get them back?

Some days I want to tell him now, but I just can't. Is it worse for me to wait and tell him later? Six months? A year? Two years? I'm so scared of his temper and all the stress he has with his job etc. I just can't do it right now. How will it affect the repentance process if I wait?

I have so many other questions, I'm lost. Please help!!

Once a person commits adultery they, when doing the sin, are saying that they don't want that other eternal family because they are breaking the covenants and promises made to God concerning the family and the marriage. However there is a way back and is a way to repair the damage done, via the atonement of jesus christ and our own works and deeds.

Currently you haven't lost that eternal family, in my opinion, however there is a dent or a break in the chain that joins it and there needs to be a repair job done. Some people don't feel any guilt over adultery and so they never change nor repent and they are beyond help but your guilt points to a high chance of both repair and change (in my opinion)

It starts by confessing to both the spouse (first) and then the bishop. It is likely that because you were Temple married, you will probably be excommunicated, if not, if its the first time and it was a one off, its likely you will only be disfellowshiped, however only the Bishop can say what will happen when the time comes.

I just can't do it right now. How will it affect the repentance process if I wait?

Now this is an interesting problem in church. If you, say, wait 10 years and you are completely faithful until then, are best wife a man can have, and stay active in church, then if you confess after ten years the bishop will most likely tell you its all done with and to go and stay faithful. But what will the husband say when he finds out that you kept this secret from him all those years? If you confess now , you will most likely face church discipline and the embarrasment when people find out but then at least your husband has all that process to point to to say "yes, she has really repented and come clean". So while one could avoid disciplinary process by waiting a decade, it may not be the best for the marriage. So, in my opinion, I'd confess now and take whatever comes my way, get it over and doone with, and get back into full membership asap which, if excommunicated, could only be 2 years or so.

I don't think that waiting 6 months or a year will make much difference though; it's not long enough.

All the best

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I agree with the other poster. Get rid of the kids for a couple of days. Send them to your moms. There isn't really a good time to tell him but you have too. Sure he's going to be angry, hurt but as long as he doesn't hit you suck it up and do what's right. Sin never brings happiness. I've read a couple of similar postings and the person that cheated is not having a good time anymore! Accept responsibility for what you've done and you'll feel so much better. You'll have to go thru his wrath but the sooner you tell him, the sooner you can repent and make it right. Good luck and do what's right it'll get better.

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Well, I honestly expect him to physically abuse me. I probably deserve it!! I'm still very confused as to what I will do. I know what I should do. Just hard, with his job stress, a son getting ready to go on a mission, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. I know, all excuses. That and I still have very strong feelings for the man I had the affair with.

Thanks for all the advice and help, to all of you, I truly do appreciate it, and it helps me, cause I don't have anywhere else to turn to, that is until I turn completely to the Lord and my Bishop.

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Here's a thought: Go meet with your bishop. Talk with him about what's going on. Then have him call in your husband and tell your husband with the bishop there. Having another person in the room can keep the parties from getting abusive.

Also, bambi, I want to propose an additional view of this situation and what you're dealing with. Often sex addiction is associated primarily with men and pornography. What we now understand, however, is that women can also be sex addicts although their acting tends to be less often with pornography. Women can be addicted to the emotional connection and this can lead to acting out with someone outside the marriage.

I encourage you to consider the possibility that you have an addictive personality and that your decision-making was impaired as you became more and more involved with this other guy. In any event, addicted or not, you really should get professional counseling to help you address the issues underlying your compulsion (or decision) to act out.

Telling your husband now or down the road should be dependent upon your having an emotional safety net to deal with the fallout. Sooner is not always better if you don't know what your getting yourself into. Consider joining a 12 Step group such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) or Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) and associating with other women who are in similar circumstances but further along in recovery. Being able to talk with someone who has walked your path will be very helpful to you.

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