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FairChild

How to break up.... need a little help here....

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I have seen so many discussions about how, when and where to find someone if you are single, but the one thing I haven't heard was how do you break up with someone. I am in the process of doing this, and he doesn't want to let go. So many things I tried to talk about or "fix" before he is telling me he can think about doing all of that now. We never married although we had talked about it. I want to be kind, but right now I am so angry, I don't feel as if I am making clear choices, perhaps even making some that are not so healthy for me. Anything you tell me would be helpful right now. I need a safe place to help process this all. FairChild

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Nope, not afraid. That's not the problem. But he can be intense and overwhelming. I guess the biggest problems are him with the "mine first attitude", complaining plus he has no source of income except for mine and I just can't afford to take care of him any more. Does what I say make sense?

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It sounds like he just needs an absolute clean break. "I'm sorry, but this relationship isn't working for me anymore. It's not going to ever work. I'm moving on." No argument, no negotiating, just cut him loose and don't have contact with him any more.

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I agree with Eowyn. There's no real way to break up with someone without hurting their feelings if they still care for you, but it takes *two* to make a relationship, and once one person decides they're done, then that's it. Relationship over. He doesn't have to like it. He doesn't have to agree with your reasons. You don't even have to *tell* him your reasons, besides a generic "It's really not working out, and I want to move on". Telling him your reasons might give him a sense of "Well, if I promise to change these things, then she'll *have* to stay with me, because the problems that are causing her to leave will be gone!" Leave NO room for negotiation. Break off all contact and move on.

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He's relying on your income and you aren't even married? I'm sorry but... that alone would be a major deal breaker for me. I don't believe any relationship, no matter how serious, still in the dating stages should have one relying on the other financially.

You do not need to feel obligated to be "nice" or give him reasons for the break up. Most men have a "fix it" mentality, and if you supply reasons he will try to "fix" them. If you are done, you are done. If you've identified that this isn't a man you want to marry, no matter what he does, then it is over. It is best to make it simple and just tell him straight out it is over, you are done, and there's nothing he can do to change that. Tell it to him in person, express that you understand he doesn't want it to be over and that he wants to make it better, but that you are just done.

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Sounds like he's in your home, too. If he has no source of income other than you, you need to let him go.

Be kind, be firm. He's going to try to emotionally manipulate you because he has no place to go(In his mind).

Simply explain to him that you don't see the relationship going anywhere and you have to take care of yourself. If he yells, inform him that you wish him well and let him go. If he cries, inform him that you wish him well and let him go. If he laughs derisively and rolls his eyes at that, tell him that you're okay with him feeling however he has to feel, but that you definitely are finished with the relationship. Then give him a set time to leave or you will have his things removed.

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You guys are right, it's just that in some ways I understand where he is coming from. He's not an evil person, rather he needs help and a great deal of growth. I just want to keep helping, but even so, I realize it's not the best thing I should do.

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You guys are right, it's just that in some ways I understand where he is coming from. He's not an evil person, rather he needs help and a great deal of growth. I just want to keep helping, but even so, I realize it's not the best thing I should do.

I understand exactly how you feel. I've felt just what you've described with several different guys. The problem is that, for most guys (and girls), once you've started the semi-serious stage of the relationship, any continued communication leaves the impression that more can be had- that there is still hope for the relationship itself. This is why it is so very hard to return to friendship after you've started dating- if one party decides they don't want to be anything more than friends but the other doesn't feel the same, that other person is always going to be filled with a false sense of hope should you show them any friendlike kindness.

There was one guy, in particular, who I tried to "help" after I'd determined there was no way I'd ever consider marriage with him. He couldn't handle it. He kept trying to push my boundaries and find ways around my limitations. He wanted so badly for me to date him, that he just could not be "friends". It wasn't that he was a bad person... I just didn't want to have a relationship with him and he couldn't accept that. When I got fed up with his constant attempts to get me to go out with him, I cut it off completely and told him I would have nothing to do with him, because he couldn't be respectful of my decision that we couldn't be more than friends.

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He's still into the "pick me up so I can do laundry at your house, take me grocery shopping and I want to marry you" stage. I appreciate you all allowing me to have a safe place to vent. I've needede that for quite some time. Thank you.

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He's still into the "pick me up so I can do laundry at your house, take me grocery shopping and I want to marry you" stage.

Ok, that's pretty funny:) Sorry if it wasn't meant to be. My advice is after you break up with him, don't let guilt into your mind. You don't need to feel guilty. Some people, girls especially, don't want to cause a scene or rock the boat. If they do, they apologize for it. No need to be sorry, or feel guilty. It's just time.

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Please laugh with me Blocky. I'm a professional care-taker and he is one of the few people I have trouble just letting it go at the end of my shift. (OK, so the shift was over a year in length. I need to let myself catch a break.) I am fighting the guilt and the habit I gained by care-taking of him. I need to laugh, enjoy myself and remember what an amazing woman I am. Since I am a veteran, I went to the local Applebees last Friday for free food, stayed to play trivia and won not one, but 2 - $10 gift certificates. I left because I thought it would only be fair to let someone else win. I went all by myself and had a very good time. I need to go do that somemore. Perhaps better yet, make a new friend or two and take them with me. What do you think?

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That sounds like a great idea, Fair. :D Sometimes the hardest part of getting out of a relationship is finding something else to now fill that void of our time and commitment. Do something just for you! Pick up a new hobby. Develop a new talent. Take some classes. The sky is the limit! You can do anything you want to do, because your time is all your own.

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Actually I have so much on my plate right now, it's nice just to have some quiet time and relax. School, 2 part time jobs, church and other friends. I'm also playing a lot of catch up to the things that were neglected while he was in my life. I'm busy enough, I just need to caretake me for awhile. Thanks Judo. I hope you are doing well right now too.

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