I am the worlds worst communicater.

[lizzy16]

So, I know I'm the worlds worst communicater. I'd rather avoid problems, ignore them ect then deal with them.

But, today I'm going to talk to my roommates and I'm unsure how to go about it.

I came to college with a lot of food from my grandmas food storage. I was all for sharing and we'd just rotate who bought what food. But, now its become a "buy something label it and still use Liz's stuff" thing. And, it really annoys me. It's obviously not my job to provide food for my roommmates. Although, i feel guilty about changing my mind about sharing half way through the semester.

I came home yesterday and one of my roommates used my brocolli soup mix and said "Don't eat my soup." Which pissed me off. Since whenever I make soup I share it. And, I bought brocolli just for that soup. She didn't even use the brocolli. She made it without (which the instructions say to do but I always add fresh brocollii.) And, she knew I was planning on making it last sunday but didn't because my friend didn't end up coming over and I was saving it for him since he loves my brocolli soup.....

And then another one of my roommates without my knowledge has been using freaking choclate baking powder for hot choclate...which I mean your not suppposed to do. She has her own hot choclate and yet shes using something i brought.

Am i being ridiculous?

And, the other roommate isn't affected any of this since she mostly eats out.

So, my concern is that one of my roommates is sort of depending on what i buy to get her through the semester. I don't think she has a lot of money financhely. But then she goes and buys like earings...and random crap like nuttella. I'm rather conservetive with my money so it really angers me when I buy something and someone doesn't use it correctly.

Am I being petty and stupid?

Or, is my reasoning sound?

[Guest]

You're being totally reasonable. Just tell them that you were planning on the goods being rotated by everyone, not just consumed, and since they haven't kept up that part of the deal, you expect them to ask permission for AND replace any of your ingredients. Then label all of it.

Oh, how I hated having roommates.

[Jennarator]

Welcome to the world of roomates. This sounds like every roomate I have ever had and every one that all my friends have had. It is a hard situation. Very sensitve.

I don't think you are being unfair.

My thoughts:

Label what you don't want to share, and keep it seperate. Let roomates know that you made a meal plan and have plans to eat this stuff, so if they don't want you to starve please don't touch.

Have one or two shelves that are a "share shelf." No labels, and no fair getting mad if someone eats it.

This can be difficult to regulate, but if they want more things in the the share shelf, consider having everyone chip in 20 bucks a month or something for that for Sunday dinners and such.

If someone makes something from the share shelf, it is up for grabs, period. They can't put the leftovers in a container and save it, it is for shareing.

Plan a house meeting and ask for suggestions and possibly suggest some of these.

Good luck!! I know house cleaning is always the other rant with roomates, so we'll be expecting that one next. Just kidding. Many of us have been there and we know these are honest concerns. They are very valid. It's hard to talk to them about it, and still keep up a strong friendship, in some cases.

[skippy740]

Sounds like y'all need a "companionship inventory". You can all give compliments and air your grievances about each other. Do a search on it to get some ideas.

[lizzy16]

Well, cleaning isn't really an issue. We have jobs and a dishes schedule. We get it done pretty fairly :)

But maybe in a few weeks that'll change....

I like the share shelf idea. Thanks!

[Guest]

Jennerator was clearly a better roommate than I was. I won't tell you what I did to the chore chart (which was never discussed, it just showed up on the fridge one day).

[Jennarator]

Jennerator was clearly a better roommate than I was. I won't tell you what I did to the chore chart (which was never discussed, it just showed up on the fridge one day).

This makes me giggle, don't know why, but it does.

[Guest]

This makes me giggle, don't know why, but it does.

It made me giggle, too. Not my roommates, though.

[JudoMinja]

Well, as others have said, you are being perfectly reasonable- and this is excellent practice for setting boundaries and not letting yourself get walked all over in a serious relationship!

I had pretty good roommates and never seemed to have any serious problems when I was living in the college dorms, but then we had some pretty limited things that we could even end up arguing over. Our dorms were very small and didn't have any provisions for cooking anything- if we lived in the dorms we had a meal plan and ate in the cafeteria. Never had issues with cleaning, but a couple of my friends did. And at one point I had someone transfer rooms to be my roommate because she was having some serious problems with her previous one that they couldn't resolve.

People can't be stingy with their stuff and expect to get a free ride off of you. If the share stuff isn't being rotated and they are all just using your stuff and not sharing, then they are taking advantage of you and you can end up with some serious problems (out of food and no money to buy more) if you don't get it resolved. I like Jennarrator's suggestion, but if nobody is up for sharing either you can just start labelling your stuff and let roommates know that you cannot afford to share anymore.

[Guest]

Okay now I feel like I have to clear myself. Please excuse the derail, lizzy.

I responded to an ad in the Institute building and moved into my first apartment with 3 girls I didn't know. 3 weeks later, they told me the lease was up and they were all moving out, so I needed to find a place to live. Miss Bossy Flossy and I didn't especially click, so I wasn't too upset to move away from her. One day shortly after she told me the lease was up, she called me and work and yelled at me for not having done any of the deep cleaning so that she could get her deposit back. I informed her that she should have told me when I was thinking about moving in that it would only be for less than a month, and that I didn't feel under any obligation to scrub 2 years' worth of their muck so that she could get her deposit back, in light of that.

My good friend and I found a place we liked and decided to move their together and have our own bedrooms. Then Bossy told me right before our move-out that she didn't have anywhere to go, and begged and begged to let her move in with us. My friend was against it, and so was I, but I couldn't leave her homeless <eyeroll>, so I consented. I had to share my room with her, of course.

She proceeded to start laying out all these rules and try to resume her reign as Bossy, because she was a little older than us. I wasn't having it. I cleaned up after myself, and whenever I made a mess in the kitchen I cleaned up after them, too. So I wasn't a slob who was making messes. I just thought things were working just fine with all of us cleaning up after ourselves and then having deep cleaning days once a week or so where we all worked together. She wanted a chore chart, I didn't. One day I came home and this little cutesy chore wheel was in the fridge. I had had it. So I took the cutesy little pointer with my name and put it directly on top of the trash can.

She moved out shortly after that. Everything with my friend and I met swimmingly, except that to her annoyance I met my husband and spent the bulk of my time with him until we got married. And then, incidentally, I was the one left doing all of the deep cleaning to get the deposit back, while friend was at a rock concert.

So hopefully I'm not as bad as I sound. I'm a fabulous wife. I guess I just need my own roost. :)

</derail>

[Dravin]

I came home yesterday and one of my roommates used my brocolli soup mix and said "Don't eat my soup." Which pissed me off. Since whenever I make soup I share it. And, I bought brocolli just for that soup. She didn't even use the brocolli. She made it without (which the instructions say to do but I always add fresh brocollii.)

One thing though is if you've offered something up as communal you've pretty much given up control of it. Which means you need to decide, is it communal or is it yours? It sounds like they've switched over to private food stores instead of a communal one, in which case you need to follow suit (though personally I never would have agreed to all communal food stores, things like butter, milk, eggs, possibly bread, but not beyond the staples).

And then another one of my roommates without my knowledge has been using freaking choclate baking powder for hot choclate...which I mean your not suppposed to do. She has her own hot choclate and yet shes using something i brought.

Am i being ridiculous?

Okay two thoughts here:

The part of your reaction (such that is) from her use of the cocoa to make hot chocolate being an inappropriate use of cocoa is a little ridiculous. If one wants to make hot chocolate from scratch that is the product one uses. Heck, Hershey's gives you a recipe on how to do just that ( http://www.hersheys.com/recipes/recipes-by-type/7/Beverages.aspx?ICID=KH1427 - the upper right hand corner). I daresay when the manufacturers are providing recipes for the use of their product in a certain manner it's a bit out there to say you aren't supposed to use it that way in any sort of objective sense. I mean heck, the stuff she owns is (along with your standard commercial foodstuff alchemy) cocoa, sugar, and powdered milk. It's kinda like saying you aren't supposed to use flour to make cake.

As far as being annoyed that she's using your communal products before the items she bought (and is presumably keeping to herself), that I can understand. I think it's time to label your stuff and tell them (if you are so inclined) that if they want something that they need to ask you first.

Edited November 9, 2011 by Dravin

[HEthePrimate]

I am the worlds worst communicater.

Sorry, but I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say here...

And, she knew I was planning on making it last sunday but didn't because my friend didn't end up coming over and I was saving it for him since he loves my brocolli soup....

Not that it's any of my business, but is this a "special" friend? (wiggling my eyebrows)

Am I being petty and stupid?

Or, is my reasoning sound?

No, you're not being petty or stupid. It is nice of you to be willing to share with your roommates, and I applaud you for that, but you are under no obligation to do so. They are grownups, and can get their own food. You have every right to set some boundaries with your roommates. I know it's awkward and uncomfortable, but if you want that behavior to stop, you'll have to talk with them. You could either stop sharing at all, or you could tell them you're still willing to share, but here are the rules.

Good luck! I hope it goes well.

HEP

[HEthePrimate]

One thing though is if you've offered something up as communal you've pretty much given up control of it. Which means you need to decide, is it communal or is it yours? It sounds like they've switched over to private food stores instead of a communal one, in which case you need to follow suit (though personally I never would have agreed to all communal food stores, things like butter, milk, eggs, possibly bread, but not beyond the staples).

Good point.

If you did make it all common property, then you can't really complain. But you can do the same thing they're doing, and reclaim some of it as your own.

But I don't know if you made it communal or not.

Again, good luck! :)

[prisonchaplain]

True confessions time. It is so easy to take for granted the kind things roommates do, and forget to be thankful, and to remember that what they do is kindness. When I arrived at college, my roommate had a car. At first I only asked for a ride for really urgent things. Gradually, I came to depend on him, out of convenience. And...I don't think I ever offered gas money.

He called me on it, and I was deeply embarrassed. I went out and got him a present that cost about $25 (probably equivalent to over $50 now), told him I was sorry, and reverted to only asking for rides out of dire emergency, and being sure to offer gas money when I did.

I was 19 (older than you, I know), and it was my first time living with non-family. I did not realize I was being a jerk, and am thankful he told me straight out, instead of letting it fester inside. Hopefully, I'm better now...'scuse me...gotta go check in with my wife.

[lizzy16]

Not that it's any of my business, but is this a "special" friend? (wiggling my eyebrows)

Not at all Just a close friend. Although, he may be coming to thanksgiving with me in SLC. Which will start all sort of questions from my extended family xD

[HEthePrimate]

True confessions time. It is so easy to take for granted the kind things roommates do, and forget to be thankful, and to remember that what they do is kindness. When I arrived at college, my roommate had a car. At first I only asked for a ride for really urgent things. Gradually, I came to depend on him, out of convenience. And...I don't think I ever offered gas money.

He called me on it, and I was deeply embarrassed. I went out and got him a present that cost about $25 (probably equivalent to over $50 now), told him I was sorry, and reverted to only asking for rides out of dire emergency, and being sure to offer gas money when I did.

I was 19 (older than you, I know), and it was my first time living with non-family. I did not realize I was being a jerk, and am thankful he told me straight out, instead of letting it fester inside. Hopefully, I'm better now...'scuse me...gotta go check in with my wife.

PC, you're a good man! :)

[Jennarator]

True confessions time. It is so easy to take for granted the kind things roommates do, and forget to be thankful, and to remember that what they do is kindness. When I arrived at college, my roommate had a car. At first I only asked for a ride for really urgent things. Gradually, I came to depend on him, out of convenience. And...I don't think I ever offered gas money.

He called me on it, and I was deeply embarrassed. I went out and got him a present that cost about $25 (probably equivalent to over $50 now), told him I was sorry, and reverted to only asking for rides out of dire emergency, and being sure to offer gas money when I did.

I was 19 (older than you, I know), and it was my first time living with non-family. I did not realize I was being a jerk, and am thankful he told me straight out, instead of letting it fester inside. Hopefully, I'm better now...'scuse me...gotta go check in with my wife.

Good point. Perhaps they don't realize they are taking you for granet. Like when you live at home and food is pretty much communal, so you make cookies for when your friends come over and you can claim them and say don't touch they are for my friends, but now you can't really do that.....donno, I think with roomates you need to have weekly meetings anyways and talk thru things.

[HEthePrimate]

Not at all Just a close friend. Although, he may be coming to thanksgiving with me in SLC. Which will start all sort of questions from my extended family xD

I hope I didn't embarrass you by asking! Guess I thought of that because I watched "Parenthood" last night, and Drew introduced his new girlfriend to the family, and his mother, Sarah, also introduced her new boyfriend to the family. So it's kinda on my mind.

[lizzy16]

Haha, not you didn't embarrass me at all. He tagged along with me when I went to SLC for confrence. So, this will be the second time my relatives meet him.

I can only imagine what my uncle will say, "Still with this guy huh?!"

"No....in fact. He dated my roommate for a while." hahah :)

[Backroads]

I can understand your frustration. I'm highly against communal anything. But, as Jennerator said, they probably don't realize what they are doing. And, no offense, there was a communication problem in the beginning.

I still say it's your stuff, so politely change the food plan.

[sister_in_faith]

I've never had a roommate, but I worked at a large 911 center where we had a large kitchen and two huge refrigerators... The food was NOT communal, with the exception of coffee, butter, and large bottles of ranch dressing that were really gross. That stuff was purchased with a fund of some sort. Everyone else had to provide their own food. I used parmesan cheese, and someone kept eating it. I finally got tired of 'sharing' so I put about an inch of salt into the container, shook it up, and put it back in the fridge. I don't know who was eating it, but they got the point and stopped. I actually had to sew a little mesh bag and put a padlock on it for my peanut butter and jam. One of the other employees brought a salad with shrimp on top of it. Someone went in and ate all the shrimp and put the salad back in the fridge. Wierd things happened in that place. Ugh.

[annewandering]

Sheesh. little thieves.

[rameumptom]

If you offered it up to them without any rules or restrictions, then you need to abide by that offer.

What I suggest is you separate out what you will and will not share with them. Put it in different boxes/locations/etc. Then learn from the experience. You are young still. It is okay to make an over generous offer and then realize you are being taken advantage of. It will teach you to be a little more cautious on sharing (share smaller amounts, or on a case by case basis, and not on your entire stockpile).

But retaining friendships is very important. If you renege on your offer, you will be seen as the selfish one.

[rameumptom]

I've never had a roommate, but I worked at a large 911 center where we had a large kitchen and two huge refrigerators... The food was NOT communal, with the exception of coffee, butter, and large bottles of ranch dressing that were really gross. That stuff was purchased with a fund of some sort. Everyone else had to provide their own food. I used parmesan cheese, and someone kept eating it. I finally got tired of 'sharing' so I put about an inch of salt into the container, shook it up, and put it back in the fridge. I don't know who was eating it, but they got the point and stopped. I actually had to sew a little mesh bag and put a padlock on it for my peanut butter and jam. One of the other employees brought a salad with shrimp on top of it. Someone went in and ate all the shrimp and put the salad back in the fridge. Wierd things happened in that place. Ugh.

But this is a different situation. Lizzy offered to share her whole stock.

[lizzy16]

I offered with because everyone said they would also share. It wasn't just me making an offer it was everyone together. But, it hasn't turned out that way since they aren't buying groceries ect. And, when they do they label it.

So, its not like they kept to the orginal deal.