Inactive member trying to find way back

[grownfromaseedwithin]

So, to start off with this I just want to warn you that this is probably going to be a bit of a lengthy post because I have a lot on my chest and don't know where to start whatsoever. This is why I need your help and advice.

So to begin my story I was baptized a convert on September 25, 2010. I was introduced by a male friend and he slowly started talking to me about the church when I had questions about it upon discovering he was LDS. We started hanging out the summer before my baptism and before I went to university where I would be moving a hundred miles to live in the dorms. He was a big help and the answer to my prayers to find help. I had been severely depressed and suffering from bulimia from over 4 years and was just literally fed up with life. I was hopeless and beyond repair, or so I thought. Then we started talking again (I met him at work but I left--Facebook of all things reconnected us per chance).

I went to church with him the Sunday before I left for school. It was the most amazing feeling of my life. I loved every second of the church, although I was a little shy and overwhelmed. I had never really had many close friends and the community was what really surprised me and drew me to learn more. I just felt right about it. So I seeked out the LDSSA at NAU and called the sister missionaries. I was baptized within a month of beginning lessons. I was so happy and made tons of friends instantly. The only problem was my family.

I have a twin sister and she is very against religion because she feel it's social control. She's very for freedom of religion, expression, etc. I grew up in a very liberal home. We never went to church, my mother had grown up Methodist and rebelled because of its constraints she said. She just wanted to live her life without guilt and still believe in God. Neither her or my father believed church was necessary to worship God or pray.

So all my life I have been spiritually uncertain. It's the worst feeling in the world. I have grown up to embrace science and things like evolution are second nature. But still I can't seem to shake the inability for me to find a church or religious affiliation that suited me or fit me. Until I found Mormonism.

I was very strong my first semester at school, all through the winter holidays. I started dating the friend who introduced me to the church. My family however had begun to pull away from me. It was like I didn't have relationships with them anymore. They accepted me for what I chose-- I had had many conversations with concerned friends and relatives over the matter and they respected me--however, they were guarded. I couldn't talk to my sister anymore who was my closest friend because she felt like she would offend me. Then eventually we weren't talking ot hanging out all that much. I slowly noticed I was being consumed by church related activities: church, home teaching, FHE, CES Firesides, Friday Night Activities, my calling, conferences, etc. I became aware I was putting the church first over my family.

Why I became inactive led up to one thing after another. My boyfriend broke up with me out of nowehere and he was my closest friend, the one who anchored me into the faith and supported me. He was the one close to home since he lived in the same city I lived, we just went to different schools. I didn't know what to do. I became severely depressed come February and my sister was worried I was not happy anymore. I had started into my old habits of restricting my food because I felt guilty. I talked to my Bishop and he suggested I see a counselor. However, I went home to visit my parents that same day back to the city and ended up staying at home for 2 weeks.

My twin sister came out to me that she was bi-sexual and that she was worried I would reject her for being attracted to women. My mother often times would call me and hear about all my new friends and then worry that she wouldn't be able to see me get married because I would be doing so in the temple. And I being the only member in the family, no one would be able to go in. For one, I am very liberal. I believe gays have just as much of a right to be loved.

So because of my conflicting views about things that I learned more and more about the church, I just stopped going. It started with just skipping a day because I was terribly sick. I was sick for weeks and I was unable to make it to church. I was visited by my friends and they brought me soup and tissues and cough drops. But after spending close time with my mother and father for those 2 weeks I was home and attending my home ward (which was drastically different than the fun and energetic ward I was used to as NAU), I just had no desire to continue going. Eventually I fell off the radar and haven't been to church since February if you count in the fact that I was sick for much of February and unable to attend church. The decision wasn't really made till March.

NOW, I am having severe spiritual conflicts. One is that I keep being bombarded with LDS things such as finding out classmates are mormon, a sweet text from an old friend telling me she missed me on her way back from conference, or all of my friends from the Institute getting engaged and married. I just miss having friends, but I am in a rut. I am engaged to a non-member. I have become unworthy in numerous ways. From drinking to pre-marital sex and cursing, and questioning God, I don't know how to find my way back.

I want to go back and see if it is where I truly belong. But I can't be baptized again because I am unworthy and I am engaged and living with my fiance. Due to issues with finances I was unable to return to NAU this year and am now attending a university closer to home, but still a good 45 min drive from my parents. I had no where to go after I came back from university because my parents wanted me charge pay rent but I was unable to find a job. I didn't have a car or any money. My parents were struggling financially. So I moved in with my boyfriend temporarily and then due to a lot of things, I was forced to go to a different school at last second.

I know everything happens for a reason, but I don't have any plans of leaving my fiance under any conditions unless it is absolutely necessary because of infidelity or some other awful thing. And this is where coming back to the church is very hard for me. He understands that the Church helped save my life, but he doesn't understand the strict lifestyle of LDS members or the concept of religion, especially that of Christianity.

Talking to missionaries is kind of out of question because for obvious reasons I know that right now they would tell me I would have to repent and it is not right for me to be baptized again because I am living with someone who is not yet my spouse. My Bishop is in Flagstaff and I never went to church enough where I am now to get to know the one in that ward. And now I have moved, my home ward is now a totally new one. So talking to my Bishop doesn't really work.

Is it possible for me to go back? I feel like I need answers to questions and I just don't know how to go about getting them. I just need to talk to someone. I feel so lost. I have talked to some friends from my old ward, but they just say I have to repent, but they have no idea to help me in my situation with being engaged and such. I just feel like my spirit is telling me this is where I need to go, I just know how to start picking up my feet or which direction to take.

Sorry this is so long, I just needed to explain my situation. I thought it would help if you had any advice to give me. I deeply appreciate anything that would help me or even lighten my heart. I know I need it.

Thanks!

[Vort]

Yes, you can go back. You have made some mistakes, even some rather serious mistakes, but you have done nothing that you cannot repent of. If only perfect people were allowed to go to Church, the Church would just stand empty.

It's a long and very joyful journey, but you can't make that journey until you get on the path. Go get back on the path and start along again with your fellow travelers. We'll be glad to see you. :)

[RMGuy]

You can always come back. There are a few things that you should probably realized.

1. Your new ward will love to see you and have you. Feel free to invite your fiance along. I am sure that they would love to meet him too.

2. Your new bishop will understand.

3. There is no need to be rebaptized. You have just been away, not out of the church.

4. You can always attend. However, some of what has transpired the church views as sin, and will need to be repented of. That can take time, it might involve church discipline, and will probably require you to be able/willing to move out or get married,

5. Number 4 does not stop you from attending and fellowshipping with the saints.

6. ((hugs)) and welcome back :-)

-RM

[drr456]

Welcome back!!! Your new ward will love to know you and your bishop will understand. You just never know what the Lord has in store for you! Start going and then invite your fiance'. You can always go back but to get all your blessings you'll want to eventually go to the temple, get your patriarchial blessing (which is awesome) and blessings that are waiting for you! You'll have to do the work but it's nothing you can't accomplish! You both might become some of the church's finest (lol)! You just never know until you give it a shot and only good can come from it.

[miztrniceguy]

Show up and see what happens! Take it one step at a time! ! was absent for 15 years when I decided to come back.

[grownfromaseedwithin]

Thanks everyone! You really helped me.

[HappyJoy]

I like what Vort said.

My thoughts were this: It sounds like you really want to do what's right and are listening to the Spirit of the Lord trying to direct you.

My only worry is that you're doing what everybody does (me included) and following your own will instead of Gods. Please don't be mad at your friends (or bishop) for telling you to repent. I truly believe that if any person were to talk to their Savior he would say "I love you so much, please repent and come follow me". Because we all sin and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23) We all have things we have to repent of every day.

I understand your worry about being married in the temple and not having your family there. My mother and I are the only one's in my family who are members. My father is very against the church. I won't lie, it was hard not having most of my family there when my husband and I were married in the temple. But, I believe this is Christ's church that has the fullness of His gospel, not just parts. I believe there are blessings in the temple that strengthen a marriage beyond anything else, that's why the Lord has asked us to be married there. Throughout history when there as been a prophet there has been the commandment for temples. In old Testement times God commanded Moses to have the people come to the tabernacle (temple). He commanded Solomon to build the temple (John 10:23), Nephi was commanded to build the temple (2 Nephi 5:16) and these are just a few of the temples that we know of.

The Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints has many doctrines that the world thinks are ridiculous. The only way to know if everything that is taught in the church is true or not is by studying scripture and praying to know if this is His church that contains ALL His gospel. With all of the opposition from my family I thought my testimony was strong, then I went on my mission I talked to many people who manged to shake my testimony. I was sitting in a zone conference with the other missionaries and my mission president said "you can hang your entire testimony on the Book of Mormon". I went home that day and studied the Book of Mormon harder then I ever have. Over the next few weeks, my testimony was strengthened because I know the Book of Mormon is a history of a people that lived on this side of the world. It makes sense to me that a loving Heavenly Father gave His gospel to His children on the Eastern side of the world, why wouldn't He also give His gospel to His children on the Western side of the world. The Book of Mormon teaches and testifies of Christ, it is truth.

If you believe the Book of Mormon is true, then Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. If you believe this is Christ Church then we need to do what others have done... The Lords Will. The Apostle Paul in the New Testament sacrificed everything for Christ, his prestige, comfort, money, and and eventually his life. Even Christ humbled Himself enough to do the will of His Father. The Almighty God, King of Kings was born in a humble stable with the animals and placed in the manger. He suffered ridicule, and the most important thing He suffered for us was in the garden of Gethsemane and on the cross. (Philippians 2:5–8). We have to ask ourselves, what are we willing to do for Him? Are we willing to keep His commandments? Even if it goes against everything we want to do?

If you haven't read all of the Book of Mormon yet then I invite you to do that. Talk with your bishop and get his advice. Bishop's are there to help and support, lead and guide in the Christ-like way that the Lord would have them do. I'll pray for you and the hard decisions you're making. I have a few of my own that I'm working on and trying to figure out. :)

[grownfromaseedwithin]

Thanks HappyJoy. It's just really hard since I am doing this alone, in a sense. I am just getting a lot of resistance from my fiance. He admitted to me that's he afraid the church will pull us apart and I will find someone in the church and leave him to marry in the Temple. I love him more than anything in the world, so it's hard for me to make the right decision. I am praying and studying scriptures right now as I promised him that I would do this before making a decision. We agreed that if I am still feeling this same way in a month's time that he will go to church with me and support me 100% without resistance no matter my choice. I think his biggest issue, however is the sex thing. Which we have unfortunately had several "fights" over. But I think in time he will understand why I am doing this. "'Endure to the End." Endure indeed.

[drr456]

Tell him he's the one you want to marry in the Temple! That would be that ultimate goal. Man's biggest issue is usually the sex thing (lol)! I was married for 27 years and neither of us were in the church but it was always an issue with him. Once a week was never enough and now that I'm single and have taken a vow of chasity, I miss it (lol)!!! But back to you. NO ONE is ever worth sacificing you're salvation over. I know you love him and he loves you too. Ask Heavenly Father to soften his heart. It's hard to obstain from sex while you're living together and it's just going to make him more bitter about the whole church thing. You'll probably end up giving to the save the peace and the "threats". If you do that, then you're going to feel like crap because you know it's not right. Ultimately, it's not about this life because it's only temporary and the more you study the closer you get to Heavenly Father. Ask him if you were a virgin would he continue to bug you?

If your fiance wanted you to do herion would you? Of course not. You're on the right track baby girl. Time is getting short and there's a reason why you've been brought back to the church!! Voice of Wisdom. Listen..

[brechelt]

Hey,

I came across your post during a search for a documentary I am researching for and thought I would try to offer some of my experience as food for thought.

I joined the church when I was in high school, and I was also a 'flirt to convert' success story. A girl I was dating asked me to go to Seminary with her and I think I had the same initial experience as you did, you know, where it just felt right.

I was baptized and faithful for about two years, but after joining the military, and not having a very supportive religious structure (moving a lot) it became difficult to 'fit in.' My family was supportive, however, but they were pretty far away.

The inner feelings and emotions you are experiencing are the exact same ones I felt, I assume. I was engaged to a non member, and I also desired to go back, but the hard part was knowing that she did not share the same interest. Although I loved her and I wanted us to work, it didn't. There is a harsh truth about your situation that you know about, have been told about, but don't want to accept, and that is very difficult, so I do not blame you for any conflict you feel in your heart or mind. But, having been in the same situation, here is what I think will be the two outcomes you will find. 1) Your finance will have to support you 100% and join the church. There is no way you can grow a testimony of the Plan of Salvation without that happening in concert with your relationship. As your testimony grows, you will desire more of what Heavenly Father has set up for you, and if he resists that, you might be setting yourself up for some serious relationship problems down the road. 2) If you choose him over your testimony and desire to be involved with the church you will eventually lose that testimony. Remember the seen analogy... no water and it dies. Are you willing to lose that for him? These are 100% the words you don't want to hear, I know. But after your month, when he said he would support you, keep being a good example and you might be surprised.

As for my story, I moved to Hawaii after breaking up with my finance and I met the woman who is my wife. We were married in the temple, and I wouldn't ask for anything else. You know already what is right, just find the courage to go through with it and I think Heavenly Father will be on your side. If he loves you, he will support you. Don't let anyone or anything tell you differently.

Good luck, and if you're ever willing to share your story for a Documentary I am filming, I would love to hear more of it. I'm investigating these exact experiences, where people have strong testimonies but their circumstances offer resistance to be involved with the Church. I hope to bridge a gap between the surface level Mormon and the true testimony feeling Mormon, if that makes sense. I think you're the latter, but that's just from this post.

T