So happy together

[beefche]

Dravin and I are still blissfully happy. We've been married now for nearly 5 months and are still very in love.

Although we've had some tense moments, we've not actually argued. It seems that when one of us is stressed or frustrated and gets a little snippy in our tone, the other becomes more patient and kind. Something I do that helps me to not snap back when he gets snippy with me is to remember that he isn't like that normally. There is a reason behind the snippiness and I need to react to that reason, not his tone. When I focus on that, I find that I can then be patient with him and try to get to the bottom of his stress or frustration.

But, overall, we are very happy together. We still make people sick with our lovey dovey ways (we try to tone it down when we are with others, but sometimes we can't help but make eyes at each other). We enjoy just being together--even if we aren't doing anything.

I've heard so many stories about how once the "honeymoon" period is over, the real stress begins. My question is when does that begin? I find that we are beginning to get really comfortable with each other and don't need to be sitting next to the other all the time, but we still need the connection with each other on a daily basis (a good thing, IMO). But, I keep hearing about how couples begin to fight/argue at some point in the marriage. I truly don't see that happening with us--we've had disagreements on things, but we've worked through them to come to a decision together without arguing.

So, tell us what to expect and the approximate time to expect it.

[estradling75]

If you want to know when the stress really kicks in.... Well then I have one word for you.... Kids

[Jennarator]

I agree, kids. This is the only stress the the marrige that my husband and I have had. We are pretty blissfully happy as well.

[Guest]

There's no "timeframe" to stress.

Marriage is the combination of 4 conflicting things:

1.) Your personality

2.) Your spouse's personality

3.) Your upbringing (your family)

4.) Your spouse's upbringing (in-laws)

In the dating and honeymoon stage, those 4 things may be subdued because the couple may still be "holding back" on their "true self" so as to be more "appealing". The conflict on those 4 things (if there is any) will surface when the couple has gotten to a comfortable point in their relationship when they feel free to expose all of their true selves.

In my marriage - my husband and I were close friends for 2 years before walking down the aisle so our conflicting personalities were never subdued. We got married on Tuesday, I didn't speak to him on Friday when I found my computer on the floor in pieces (he decided to upgrade it). That's just the way our personalities meld. We love and fight with equal passion.

If both of you are already in your comfortable stage and been through conflict and your personalities meld in a way that there's no flash point, then that's pretty much what you got and what you can expect.

But, I have to say, it's not bad to argue and argue hard. It's not bad to fight and fight passionately. I know some people who boasts that they never fight... only to find out that they bottle things up and never really resolve anything. Love is knowing that you can disagree with each other and it's just okay. What is bad is if you lose respect as you fight and argue.

Congratulations. Sounds like you have an eternal honeymoon going on... well, until the kids at least. Kids add a 5th (or 6th, 7th, 8th) factor to those conflicting personalities.

[twort]

Ahhh... so sweet. Please stay in the honeymood phase forever and give us all hope that it's possible!

[applepansy]

The honeymoon phase can last forever or come and go. Kids are usually the biggest stressor....especially teenagers.

My husband and I hardly ever even got snippy with each other until we had kids. We were married 2 years when our first was born. We had 3 months of the honeymoon phase again when our kids had all moved out and before our son moved back in. I really wanted more than 3 months of an empty nest. LOL

[Guest Godless]

I agree about kids being the biggest stressor (followed by finances, I'm sure). Even then though, it may not be so bad. Some couples handle stress better than others. I'm the oldest of five and have never heard my parents fight. I know it's happened on a few occasions, but they're still happy and lovey-dovey after 27 years and five kids (two of whom are still teens). I can only hope that my pending marriage will be that wonderful. Things are looking great so far.

[Guest]

Our first year was the hardest. After the first 4, we learned to fight fair, deal with each other and everything around us better, and work as a team. Basically, we grew up. So while having a baby in our 4th year was super stressful, we dealt with it fine together (as in, didn't generally take things out on each other). Every year has been better, which is why I'm glad the twins didn't come until year 13 :).

Maybe you guys won't have a big rough patch. You're both good, reasonable, grown-up people with enough life and relationship experience that you could bypass that. The hardest thing for us was learning how to disagree in a loving and productive way, and it sounds like you have that covered.

[Gramajane]

There can be many stressors, but you seem to have a good pattern for handling them. :)

Yes, they say we can prove how much patience we have by being around OTHER peoples kids, but it is funny how our own can show us our "natural" tendencies too. I also agree with finances, and another is health/eating issues, driving, extended family- and of course the worst are also sins.

Which is why, obeying the commandments can really help us have more peace. I've been married to my sweetheart for 40+ years, and it life is just getting better! :) Of course the VERY issues that one has in marriage are often the unresolved ones we brought from our upbringing and it gives us a chance to finally resolve them. -- Life is a test, and marriage can be the final AND the prize! :)

[slamjet]

Come back after two years.

I'm not a fan of using the word "blissful" to describe a marriage, but that may just be a personal issue. I know that the first year of my marriage was great. We saw eye-to-eye on most everything. We also learned to overlook the little quirkiness the other had. But I had maturity issues that caught up with me after 10 years. That's when I blew it. But we are still the best of friends, I think, because we consciously took the first few years to learn to accept each others little faults.

[NeuroTypical]

I've heard so many stories about how once the "honeymoon" period is over, the real stress begins. My question is when does that begin?

We tell people I came 'home from the honeymoon' somewhere around year 7 or 8, and my wife came home a day or two into the honeymoon. :)

I keep hearing about how couples begin to fight/argue at some point in the marriage. I truly don't see that happening with us--we've had disagreements on things, but we've worked through them to come to a decision together without arguing.

If you can skip the fighting part, you're better than the rest of us. But there will at least be arguing - serious disagreements will come up if they haven't all ready.

They tell me that successful couples don't shy away from disagreement or arguing - but they do have a good way to raise issues, work through them, and resolve them.

[Madriglace]

Never been married but I am the product of a forever honeymoon ... 62 years and counting. Probably why I never married because I wasn't willing to settle for less than what I saw at home. One thing my brother and I knew from the beginning ... my folks were married to each other ... no matter what the world or us kids threw at them their marriage came and still comes first. And there are only 3 people in that marriage them and the Lord. I get teary watching them hold hands in church or walk up to bear their testimonies holdings hands. The way they cherished their marriage has helped with stand the death of my youngest brother, 5 missions and being the only member family on both sides.

For me my strongest memory of childhood was seeing my parents kneeling together, holding hands in prayer ... I don't care who you are ... that is powerful.

Keep up the good work and more power to you! The honeymoon doesn't have to end.

[RescueMom]

Marriage takes work, and just remember even Joseph and Emma had fights. Every couple has issues, it's how those are handled that makes a good marriage. Kids do cause stress, but that's just not for married folks, even us single moms get snippy....so it's the kids.

I guess the best advice I can give you is this, remember that the other person is a Child of God and treat accordingly. I kept that in my mind while raising my kids, they are God's Children first, and I will have to answer to him on my treatment of them. Same can be said of Husband/Wife.

[pam]

I've also noticed that the two of you are often online at the same time. Do you sit next to each other with your laptops in your laps and play footsies?

[Dravin]

I rarely log out. I have the laptop set up so that we each have our own Chrome profiles, and we tend to leave both instances running. I'm sure the board eventually times us out, but if one of us just passed the laptop to the other then we're both going to be showing up online.

I tend to read over her shoulder, kinda funny when I feel the urge to respond to a thread she's reading and dash to the other room to post a quick (or not so quick) response.

[beefche]

I've also noticed that the two of you are often online at the same time. Do you sit next to each other with your laptops in your laps and play footsies?

We don't play footsies, but we do MSN chat with each other.

[beefche]

I tend to read over her shoulder, kinda funny when I feel the urge to respond to a thread she's reading and dash to the other room to post a quick (or not so quick) response.

Or give me "suggestions" on how to post....

[Guest]

My husband always just says, "They're probably glad I don't post." Or that he's glad he doesn't post. He's a bit of a debater, and also gets tunnel vision, so it's probably best that he steers clear of message boards. :)

[Jennarator]

Haha....I sit close to my husband and chat on FB or yahoo with him.....

[Backroads]

I can count on one hand the time my husband and I have fought and we're only four months on you...

[scsquishysc]

but we still need the connection with each other on a daily basis

As long as you continue to truly do this...really listen and communicate and connect daily, the tense moments won't be nearly as bad as they could be.

[annewandering]

We have been married 40 years and our kids still say 'ewwww'. We have had some terrible fights over terrible things but we love each other and most importantly are committed to each other. :) Some do say we should be committed but if its together that wouldnt be all bad!

[beefche]

Thank you all for your suggestions/help.

I hope I'm not so naive to think that we will never have a serious disagreement. And yes, I told Dravin before we married, that I can see how we will disagree over the kids and how to raise them. He and I come from very different parental styles and reflect the one with which we were raised.

What I've found is that we do have communication issues--not that either of us are unwilling to talk, but that we have different styles of communicating. It's learning each other's style and improving our communication/listening skills that is important. It's been an interesting observation to see how what I think is very clear remains cloudy to him--I have to clarify what I was trying to say (and vice versa).

[annewandering]

Thank you all for your suggestions/help.

I hope I'm not so naive to think that we will never have a serious disagreement. And yes, I told Dravin before we married, that I can see how we will disagree over the kids and how to raise them. He and I come from very different parental styles and reflect the one with which we were raised.

What I've found is that we do have communication issues--not that either of us are unwilling to talk, but that we have different styles of communicating. It's learning each other's style and improving our communication/listening skills that is important. It's been an interesting observation to see how what I think is very clear remains cloudy to him--I have to clarify what I was trying to say (and vice versa).

Communication is going to always be an issue. Best to start out figuring out how to make it a small one. :) My husband would always sit and nod and seem to agree and I would find out later it was a flat out no.

[Maureen]

...So, tell us what to expect and the approximate time to expect it.

I don't know if this is possible. There are so many variables because people, couples, life, personalities, etc are all so different that marriage is really a trial and error experience. As the days, months and years go by, you both will figure it out in your own time and way. :)

M.