Forgive and forget?

[girlygirl]

I really appreciate the unbiased advice on this board, and this is regarding a friend situation so I hope I can get some help.

I am going to try and condense this as much as I can-

For three years I worked at a friend's families office. At first it was great but over the progression of my time working there I found the environment was toxic, gossipy (our family vs the employees) and was literally making me anxious and stressed out all the time to the point I was losing sleep. As I saw the way her parents treated me I found she treated other people the same way and I started to distance myself as I saw her parents charicter coming out in her. To make a long story short, I quit, along with two other senior ladies there (yup we had to do it together because we were literally scared of doing it alone feeling emotionally abused).

Everytime I saw her on facebook it erked me. I know this sounds bad but I went through a horrible experience which isn't her fault but I felt like I had to separate myself from the family so I deleted her as a fb friend. Since then I have been able to move along with my life, I got a great job and felt like a bad chapter of my life was closed.

I did not invite her to my wedding, I just wanted to put it all behind me. She then created another account and started messaging me saying she was upset she wasn't invited to the wedding ect. so I then blocked her.

Last weekend she has created another account (this is three years later) and has stated this is the last time she is 'reaching out to me' - I told her that messaging me over the internet is not reaching out to me and that she should just give me a call if she wants to talk about it. She then wrote back saying she did not have my number (which I know she does have.)

This girl is honestly toxic, she is manipulative, decietful and not someone I want to have in my life. I feel like if she called me we could talk it out but on the internet I feel like we will be squabbling back and forth. My sister says she is a creep and I should just block her out of my life. I have been trying to, as I know talking it out with her will do more harm then good.

I have a horrible nagging feeling, I have never had to do this with anyone before. I hate that I have just had to block her out but at the same time I feel like trying to resolve things will just bring up more conflict. Does anyone have suggestions how I can feel at peace in this situation? I know its hard because you do not know the whole story but I hope you can understand the gist of not wanting to feel harrassed or bullied anymore yet wanting closure.

I live in a small town so sometimes I hear or see something about their family and it just digs up a bad feeling in my stomache. I dont want to feel like this anymore but to be honest I just feel like we will never be able to be at peace.

[Jennarator]

There is a difference between fogiving someone and letting them back into your life. Forgive and forget is my advice. But there is no need to let her back into your life. Let the bad feelings go and keep moving on as you already are. I wouldn't even respond to her messages. You gave her the option to call if she wants.

[girlygirl]

There is a difference between fogiving someone and letting them back into your life. Forgive and forget is my advice. But there is no need to let her back into your life. Let the bad feelings go and keep moving on as you already are. I wouldn't even respond to her messages. You gave her the option to call if she wants.

I really do try not to hold bad feelings or think of her poorly however I just can't let her back into my life as she is the kind of person that I give an inch she will take a mile. I hate ignoring her fb messages but if she was truly concerned or wanted to talk to me she has my number and would have the courage to call me.

I just hate the unresolved and with anyone else I would talk it out. I wish I could do this with her but I think it would just make things messy. I just almost feel a weight on me that I CANT resolve this and have closure I hate this feeling and I wish we could simply be on good terms, but I know it just isn't possible.

[sister_in_faith]

Cut her off, and don't look back. Go thru the forgiveness process, for your own peace of mind! It will help you in just letting her go.

I went thru letting a friend go a few years ago. It was hard because she was kind of my 'mentor' at church, but I realized that she wasn't who I thought she was, and the more I distanced myself the more I realized that I didn't want to have anything to do with her. Forgiveness was hard in coming. I still have a hard time to this day.

BUT, this person is obviously not someone you want to be involved with any longer. It's not good for YOU! Just ignore her, and let it go.

[Maureen]

It's probably hard to give her the "benefit of the doubt" but if she says she doesn't have your phone number then give it to her now. If she calls, you can have your talk. If you don't want to do that, write her a letter, it might bring closure.

M.

[NeuroTypical]

Step 1 - clear, honest, direct message that anyone interested in getting a clue would understand: "Hi there - sorry we've lost touch. No need to reach out to me or anything - thanks for your concern. We had some fun times, but now that I'm married, there's just no time to do things with you any more. I wish you well! Be happy! Dance and sing! [etc etc]"

Step 2 - Direct, unambiguous instructions: "Sorry - I must have done a bad job at explaining things. You keep trying to contact me, and I thought I was clearly letting you know I'm not interested. I'm married now, and I'm off doing married things. I don't mean to be rude, you've been a good friend - but really - I'm not available any more. Please - you've tried facebook three times - please don't try a fourth. I really do wish you a good and happy life."

Step 3 - Time to provide stronger consequences: "Your constant attempts to contact me are causing me grief. I want you to stop trying to contact me. I've been polite, I've been direct, now I'm being very plain: I've gathered all your attempts into a file. If try to contact me again, I will give this file to my attorney, and we will seek protection from your continuing harassment." (Hubby can also do this step for you - that would help.)

Step 4 - Follow through with step 3, just forward everything else to your attorney. No more communication from you to her.

80% of people stop after step 1, another 15% after #2, most everyone else after #3.

Let us know how it goes.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I don't think it matters whether you talk to her or just keep avoiding her -- the ultimate goal is to keep her out of your life. If you talk to her, she may come out with something that upsets you and then you have to go through a few days of getting over it -- why let it disturb your inner peace?

People break off, or distance themselves from friendships all the time. They are big boys and girly-girls. She can handle it -- she's an adult. If you want to talk to her, to bring closure, do so. Whatever you say, it should be kind, and framed in kind language, even if it's bad news.

[girlygirl]

I don't think it matters whether you talk to her or just keep avoiding her -- the ultimate goal is to keep her out of your life. If you talk to her, she may come out with something that upsets you and then you have to go through a few days of getting over it -- why let it disturb your inner peace?

People break off, or distance themselves from friendships all the time. They are big boys and girly-girls. She can handle it -- she's an adult. If you want to talk to her, to bring closure, do so. Whatever you say, it should be kind, and framed in kind language, even if it's bad news.

I think this is the best bet. I have ignored her, then with her last attempt I told her if she wanted to talk to me to call me (gave her my number) and sent her a friend request to bridge the gap.

She ignored it and then rubbed mud back in my face by saying she didn't have my number (hello? I just gave it to you? Call me already!)

And of course she hasn't, and I don't think she would because its easier to be sneaky and play games on the internet then face someone (even if it is just over the phone.)

I think I just need to leave it at that. I mean, even if we do talk what can I say? Your parents treated me like the scum of the universe, I can't believe you recommended me to work for them? Even worse you are just like them? I dont think thats going to make us have a happy friendship again at all

Well now she has my number and a friend request, its been one week now and no response. So I guess her ultimate motive is not to bridge the gap as she initially said but mainly to stir up some more drama and hopefully get a reaction over facebook that she can show her friends and family (her dad is a lawyer- so I know I dont want to have any incriminating evidence against me on paper thats why I want to TALK about it in person.)

It sucks but I guess my best bet is just to ignore her and if she does roll around and send off another message I will have to use one of loudmouth mormons lines.

Edited November 15, 2011 by girlygirl

[beefche]

I don't think you are under any obligation to involve her in your life. I think you've made it clear to her that you both need to part ways.

But, I'm curious. If you don't want to talk to her, then why are you telling her to call you? You said:

I hate ignoring her fb messages but if she was truly concerned or wanted to talk to me she has my number and would have the courage to call me.

I just hate the unresolved and with anyone else I would talk it out. I wish I could do this with her but I think it would just make things messy.

It sounds like to me that talking to her would either make things worse or cause you more stress or both. If that is the case, then why do you want to talk it out with her?

[Gramajane]

I believe that the "forgive and forget" is more about forgiving them for what they have done, and forgetting that defensive anger it probably caused, and work to see them as a child of God, maybe like a child that keeps hitting or bites-- that they need to be kept away from the other children until they have shown that they have changed.

--- If we were to entirely forget the whole event, then how would we learn? We should "let it go and Let God" but we still must protect ourselves from being abused again. It can take years to do this, but you just keep praying for help to do it, and trying to see her as God sees her. Do not talk against her etc. even in your heart. You can do this -- but let it be in Gods time as you keep working on it? hugs!

[JudoMinja]

I like LM's advice. :) I'd use it.

I do have some personal experience with a few similar situations. One was fairly easy- this person had crossed the bounds of what I deemed appropriate. I told her of my disapproval and that if she could not avoid such behavior, I would not associate with her. She tried to maintain the friendship, but messed up again and I just pulled the plug. No explanation necessary as I'd already given her fair warning.

Another was a date who crossed a big line. I expressed my disapproval and told him we could not be friends and left it at that. For a while, he attempted to find ways to get my attention and get me to talk to him, but he gave up when I kept ignoring him.

The hardest one for me though was when I left my ex, as I really felt a need for closure- like you've described. He had done a LOT to hurt me, and I didn't want to have any communications in anger or give him a chance to try and "win me back". I wrote a letter expressing all my hurt and anger to get it all out of my system and did not give it to him. Instead, I wrote a second letter after that, which was less emotionally charged, but very clearly expressed why I left and that- while I forgave him- I had no interest in making amends or letting him back into my life. He, of course, tried to contact me after that letter, but I ignored it. That letter was my closure, and I was done.

I don't know if doing something similar would be helpful to you, but sometimes we just need to get our explanation out there to help relieve a sense of anxiety. At the very least, I would do what LM suggests though.

[Gramajane]

Sigh I sure wish I knew how to get my picture right side up! Hey, at least I managed to get on on here :) and maybe it is ironic that it is leaning to the right?

[girlygirl]

Beefche, I want to talk to her for two reasons:

1. I want a chance to air out why I am ignoring her, get it off my chest, she has no clue why I am ignoring her. She is the kind of person who never sees when she makes a mistake. Her family and her upset me and two other staff ladies almost beyond repair, I want to talk to her, more to have closure for myself and let her know also why I am upset. (She keeps messaging me, 'if I have offended you or upset you I wish we could talk about it.' I would love this opportunity, however part of me says it will do more harm then good and I shouldn't.

2. Depending on the situation of how our conversation goes at least perhaps I could just gloss our friendship over. I could just without getting into the nitty gritty gloss over the reason I have been ignoring her and at least get us on some common ground, nicely and politely, then say I am married and busy, at least get us on good terms, but not have her as a close friend again.

I just feel unresolved. I dont want to have her as a close friend and have her involved in my life. However I would just like somesort of conversation to air that we are not 'mortal enemys' and be on some common ground so if I ever see her again we can each smile at each other and say 'hi' instead of ignoring each other (this actually did happen once when I was out with some friends, we made eye contact and I just looked the other way).

Ultimately I dont think I should talk to her. I'v tried it and I just have a nagging feeling inside of me and feel like talking will get some resultion?? Im pretty torn.