Engaged to Non-Member

[grownfromaseedwithin]

I have been inactive for 7 months and am starting to find my way back to the church. During that time, I met my fiance and we dated and now we've been engaged for several months. I have no plans on leaving him as I love him more than anything in the whole world. However, he knows that I am thinking about going back to church. We talked and agreed that we would both wait and see in a month's time if going back to the Church is something that I am really serious about doing. The he said he would go to church with me as a support. But he told me that he will NEVER be Mormon and that is something that I need to understand.

The biggest issue with me going back to church is that it will inevitably split us and I fear that. I feel like it might cause some issues with me going to church and I don't want to be the one to ruin our relationship. I feel like I should be conscious of how this decision is going to affect him as well. What should I do? Any advice on how I can talk to him? Or ways in which I can comfort him? He is really afraid I am going to meet someone at Church when I go back and want that Temple marriage (which I do) and leave him for that. I don't want that to happen. I just want him to be as much a part of this as I because I want to do it together.

[Guest]

I have been inactive for 7 months and am starting to find my way back to the church. During that time, I met my fiance and we dated and now we've been engaged for several months. I have no plans on leaving him as I love him more than anything in the whole world. However, he knows that I am thinking about going back to church. We talked and agreed that we would both wait and see in a month's time if going back to the Church is something that I am really serious about doing. The he said he would go to church with me as a support. But he told me that he will NEVER be Mormon and that is something that I need to understand.

The biggest issue with me going back to church is that it will inevitably split us and I fear that. I feel like it might cause some issues with me going to church and I don't want to be the one to ruin our relationship. I feel like I should be conscious of how this decision is going to affect him as well. What should I do? Any advice on how I can talk to him? Or ways in which I can comfort him? He is really afraid I am going to meet someone at Church when I go back and want that Temple marriage (which I do) and leave him for that. I don't want that to happen. I just want him to be as much a part of this as I because I want to do it together.

Why do you think the Church is going to break you apart just because he's a non-member?

I was a non-member when I married my husband. No intentions of converting either. As a matter of fact, I was actively working on getting him converted to my religion.

We're still together 14 years later.

Your marriage is only going to be as strong as how you both want it to be. Regardless of religious affiliation, monetary station, country of origin, skin color, political leanings, a marriage will remain strong if you have one common, reliable, constant, unceasing factor - RESPECT.

Respect his choice of religious affiliation and he gets to respect yours. Saying, "I'm never gonna leave him but I want to be married in the temple" is not respecting his choice - it's putting a requirement on your relationship that he did not agree to. If you can't deal with him not being in the church, then you should leave him. If you can't leave him, then you'll have to respect his religious choices and tell him clearly you don't expect to marry him in the temple. You can't have it both ways.

If you trust God, your fiance will eventually find the true gospel - either on this life or the next. It's up to you if you can handle "the next" part.

Edited November 15, 2011 by anatess

[Jennarator]

This is one of those things that is different for everything. Is this something you can live with?

I know people that were SURE they could convert their spouse. Some even did. Some couple, it all worked out, some broke up. I think the ones that made it (out of the ones that didn't convert their spouse) were the ones that knew it might never happen and were committted to make the marrige work, even tho they knew their spouse might never convert.

I think you need to ask yourself that question. If he NEVER converts, am I still ok with it? Talk about how you will raise children. Make plans and learn to really comunicate. Then go from there.

[grownfromaseedwithin]

Why do you think the Church is going to break you apart just because he's a non-member?

I was a non-member when I married my husband. No intentions of converting either. As a matter of fact, I was actively working on getting him converted to my religion.

We're still together 14 years later.

Your marriage is only going to be as strong as how you both want it to be. Regardless of religious affiliation, monetary station, country of origin, skin color, political leanings, a marriage will remain strong if you have one common, reliable, constant, unceasing factor - RESPECT.

Respect his choice of religious affiliation and he gets to respect yours. Saying, "I'm never gonna leave him but I want to be married in the temple" is not respecting his choice - it's putting a requirement on your relationship that he did not agree to. If you can't deal with him not being in the church, then you should leave him. If you can't leave him, then you'll have to respect his religious choices and tell him clearly you don't expect to marry him in the temple. You can't have it both ways.

If you trust God, your fiance will eventually find the true gospel - either on this life or the next. It's up to you if you can handle "the next" part.

I meant that he was afraid of it mostly. I am perfectly fine with him not being a member. It would be amazing to marry in the temple, but I am not banking on the fact that I ever will. The only reason why I meant the uncertainty of how I felt was because I feel like me being in the Church WILL cause problems. I'm not saying it will actually happen, just that there's a possibility because there is resistance on his part. I am all for making our marriage work. I'm just not sure how else to assure him that I'm not going to pick up and leave more someone who wants to get married in the Temple. If that makes sense.

[Guest]

I meant that he was afraid of it mostly. I am perfectly fine with him not being a member. It would be amazing to marry in the temple, but I am not banking on the fact that I ever will. The only reason why I meant the uncertainty of how I felt was because I feel like me being in the Church WILL cause problems. I'm not saying it will actually happen, just that there's a possibility because there is resistance on his part. I am all for making our marriage work. I'm just not sure how else to assure him that I'm not going to pick up and leave more someone who wants to get married in the Temple. If that makes sense.

This can be two things: 1.) he's insecure about your relationship, 2.) you just think he's insecure about your relationship.

In any case - there's only one thing you can do... TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK and then TALK some more.

But then, this goes both ways. He might not be able to handle your choice of being active LDS. So, he gets the choice to respect it or break it off too.

But, the main gist of what I'm trying to tell you is that the CHURCH CANNOT do anything to your relationship. Only YOU or HE can. Say your fiance decides to quit his job and take an unpaid travelling volunteer job for the Peace Corps? Same difference. Accept it or leave him for it. It's not the Peace Corps that will break your relationship - it's YOU. So, when you do get married, it's basically both of you saying - We will work towards accepting everything that comes up. No matter what it is. You both go broke, one of you becomes handicapped, one of you loses the ability to have sex, you get pregnant, you can't get pregnant, he gets addicted to Call of Duty... whatever. So both of you needs to be sure that you really can work towards an acceptable solution to everything that comes up... before you get married.

Edited November 15, 2011 by anatess

[zuko725]

Take it from someone who was in your position. You can find my posts on here about the situation but I'll give you some background info:

I was inactive when I met and married my husband. We had been married for about 9 months when I decided I wanted to go back to church (Which was just this past April). While we were dating and engaged I knew that a temple marriage was right, but at the time it wasn't something that was as important to me or something I worried about. I loved him and that's all that mattered.

When I started to go back to church he came with me and showed a great interest in it.. but after about 3 months of this he lost interest. He now no longer goes to church with me and refuses to talk about any of it.

A temple marriage didn't matter to me so much before, but now it does. There's nothing I want more than for him to join the church and take me to the temple and I am currently struggling with the realization that this just may not happen.

We actually had a talk about this earlier today and he told me that he just has zero interest in the church and he also told me that he is upset because he is going to be spending the rest of his life knowing that I want something that he cant give me.

My husband is a wonderful man, but we just aren't on the same page. He likes to drink a beer with his dinner sometimes.. which bothers me. His best friend is someone I highly despise and goes against everything the church teaches.. but I have to deal with it anyways. I have also gotten to the point of thinking about our future children and the difficulty of raising them with a father who isn't a member. These are the types of problems that come from marrying a non member.. problems that didn't seem like a big deal when I was inactive.

I have cried every night for the last 3 months about this and words can't even describe the amount of pain I'm in over this issue. Not to mention the amount of pain and feeling of helplessness my husband is going through. This HURTS.

I adore my husband and I think he's a wonderful man and will someday make a good father. I can't say I regret marrying him and somehow, someway I believe we will work through this and find a way to make this work and gets past the pain.

However, I strongly advise you think long and hard about marrying this guy. Start going to church BEFORE you get married and figure things out then. I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy to feel what I'm feeling right now and so if I can help spare someone else from going through this, then it will be good to know I've helped someone.

Again, I want to clarify I dont regret marrying my husband, I'm just letting you know in advance that if you marry him, you're heading down a very tough and painful road.

Edited November 16, 2011 by zuko725

[zuko725]

Also, you mentioned earlier that you are perfectly fine with him not being a member.. you may feel that way now, but can you garuantee that in a year or two you'd still be fine? I was fine with my husband not being a member, too. At first.

You also said that he's afraid that you're going to find someone at church who can give you want you want. My husband also somewhat has this fear and has told me a few times that I would probably be happier with someone else who shared my beliefs. He has also stated that he thinks that I regret marrying him and that he's keeping me from being truly happy. Is this something you want your potential future husband to have to deal with?

Again, this is just stuff to think about and these types of problems are pretty much inevitable and trying to work through them is tough.

[ReynaRosa]

How important is the LORD in your heart, can you honestly say that you love him with all your heart mind and strength? or is an idol, someone else taking that place in your heart?

Also, from the very begining the Lord warns us about being subjected to an uneven yoke, think about the consequences can you trully find happiness or please the LORD? This will influence raising or bringing up your future children and grandchildren. It iw written if your hand causes you to sin cut it off, it's better to enter the kingdom with out your hand then for your whole body to burn in hell (separation from GOD). I too was Christian and compormised with darkness, he was not of the same fold and it brought huge consequences as of result. Eventually I grew in spirit and realized that I don't have any obligations compromising with darkness.

It is important to know your place in the kingdom, as it is important to know how much Heavenly Father Loves you and he wan't the best for you.

[NeuroTypical]

It's good to see positive stories where similar situations have worked out for other people. My story is mostly positive too: My irreligioius agnostic father came to Utah to find one of "them submissive mormon women" - and my mom had him spending the next quarter century regretting that particular misconception.

Just be aware that positive stories are most certainly not the only stories out there. I've run across handfuls of folks who fought over how to raise their kids. Lots of divorces. Lots of grief.

You are rolling the dice here. If you marry him, I'd suggest, for the health and well-being of your future children, that you not make any kids until this thing is all resolved one way or the other. Because a tiny little innocent kid being used as a pawn in the religion battle between husband and wife, is a pretty horrible thing.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, but please - don't bring kids into uncertainty like this. Resolve it first.

[VickieE]

I don't think that you guys gonna apart, if you go to the church. if you guys love each other lot then nothing is gonna happen. so don't worry everything is gonna be fine.

__________________

how to get him back

Edited November 22, 2011 by VickieE

[ruthiechan]

Go back to church, see if it's something you really want again, before marrying.

Learn how to pray again and how to feel the Spirit again. Then pray about it.

I am married to a non-member. I prayed about it and much to my surprise I got a green light. It's hard sometimes. But he knew I was Mormon and woudl stay that way. I am not intent on changing him though it'd be nice. I'll get my temple marriage someday, with or without him, if I choose to. We have a daughter. We agreed that she'd be raised in the church but that she would not be required to be baptized or to go every Sunday (she chose to get baptized and comes to church regularly, her choice). I teach her the Gospel at home which is reinforced at church. So far so good.

But here's the key thing in all this. I took it to the Lord. You should too. It's the only way to know for certain if marrying him is the right thing to do.

[Martain]

I feel for you. While I can not make such a decision for you, I can relate how I would feel in your situation.

Knowing as I know the blessings that come from a marriage in the temple, I find it almost inconceivable to marry outside it. The thought of intentionally jeopardizing my eternal salvation by marrying outside the covenant is painful. I would rather never marry or have children in this life then have them in this life and loose them forever in the next.

Having learned personally the blessings that come from being born under the covenant, I would never deny any of my children such blessings. For me, having such blessings was the difference between spiritual life and spiritual death.

At least in my case they would have the power of the priesthood in the home. In your case, they would grow up without the priesthood and the blessings it provides.

I feel a prophet of God can explain it better than I can. I found the talk I wanted to refer to and I really hope you'll read it because it will indeed help you understand the importance of the decisions you are making.

The Importance of a Celestial Marriage

[Martain]

I am married to a non-member. I prayed about it and much to my surprise I got a green light.

I agree with Ruthiechan. Outside of direct revelation, I will not risk loosing everything by marrying a non-member. I can also relate to your surprise Ruthie =) I would have been very surprised as well!

[prettyrose]

I have been inactive for 7 months and am starting to find my way back to the church. During that time, I met my fiance and we dated and now we've been engaged for several months. I have no plans on leaving him as I love him more than anything in the whole world. However, he knows that I am thinking about going back to church. We talked and agreed that we would both wait and see in a month's time if going back to the Church is something that I am really serious about doing. The he said he would go to church with me as a support. But he told me that he will NEVER be Mormon and that is something that I need to understand.

The biggest issue with me going back to church is that it will inevitably split us and I fear that. I feel like it might cause some issues with me going to church and I don't want to be the one to ruin our relationship. I feel like I should be conscious of how this decision is going to affect him as well. What should I do? Any advice on how I can talk to him? Or ways in which I can comfort him? He is really afraid I am going to meet someone at Church when I go back and want that Temple marriage (which I do) and leave him for that. I don't want that to happen. I just want him to be as much a part of this as I because I want to do it together.

You say that you love him more than anything. I don't know about you but I would want a man that loves GOD more than me. I would really wonder about someone that DOESN'T want the best for me. Do you really want to be sitting at church or the temple and have someone ask where your man is at? and your response is "at home. then you realize one day that it isn't the life that you want anymore sick and tired of "feel so alone and totally alone at church and temple". You are giving up THE TEMPLE for a MAN that is not worth it. Why are you giving up the greatest thing in the world for a man that doesn't appreciate it the same way as you do? Please realize what I am saying. You two are NOT on the same page and it shall forever cause conflict down the road.

How are you going to feel about your children being raised in the church when your husband just sits on the side lines? You may not regret marrying him RIGHT NOW in life but YEARS LATER you just might.

Never sell yourself short in life. I would NEVER give up my LIFE DREAMS of going to the temple for any man. I don't care if he was tom cruise or richard gere.

Someone who does not want the best for you DOES NOT truly have your best interest at heart.

[Martain]

While I hope you read the talk I referenced, I was searching for something for someone else and found more relevant information.

The Miracle of Forgiveness - Spencer W. Kimball, pg. 237-241

Mixed marriages with spouses of different faiths generally bring loss of spiritualityl and divorce results very often, with much unhappiness even if there is no divorce. Even with people of faiths other than our own, studies have shown that mixed marriages make adjustment of religious tensions difficult and that frequently one or both partners give up religious practices altogether. As parents give up their religions, an increasing number of children are brought up without any kind of church attachment and the faith it could engender.

The Church member contemplating marriage outside of the Church frequently thinks, "Oh, the religious aspect doesn't matter. We'll get alone. We'll adjust. We'll each give a little. My spouse will permit me to do as I please, or I will make adjustment. we'll both live and worship according to our own patterns." This is a fallacy. So seldom does it work that it is too hazardous to take the chance. Some peaople say, "But I believe in being broad-minded about these matters." This is not broad-mindedness, but even if it were, to be broad-minded with the Lord's eternal program is somewhat like being generous with someone else's money.

Marry in the Church

The counsel Church members have received on this is unequivocal. President Joseph F. Smith said:

We say to our young people, "Get married, and marry aright. Marry in the faith, and let the ceremony be performed in the place God has appointed. Live so that you may be worthy of this blessing. . . . But do not marry those out of the Church, as such unions almost invariably lead to unhappiness. . . .

I would rather go myself to the grave than to be associated with a wife outside the bonds of the new and everlasting covenant. . . . I would like to see Latter-day Saints men marry Latter-day Saints women; and Methodists marry Methodists, Catholics marry Catholics, and Presbyterians marry Presbyterians, and so on to the limit. Let them keep within the pale of their own faith and church. . . . (Smith, Gospel Doctrine, pp. 275, 279)

Marrying outside the faith has always been forbidden. For example, the Lord inspired Abraham to marry a near relative rather than a Gentile. In retrospect of his son's bride, Abraham commissioned his servant to go on a long and uncomfortable journey to obtain a girl of Isaac's own faith:

And I will make thee swear by the Lord . . . that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, ammong whom I dwell:

But thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Issac. (Gen. 24:3-4.)

Likewise Isaac himself, saddened by his son Esau's marriages with Gentile women, forbade Jacob to do the same and sent him back to Haran to marry in the faith. (See Gen. 28:1-2.) Centuries later the Lord made specific commandment to the Israelites as follows:

Neither shalt thou make marriages with [Gentiles]; thy daughters thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son.

For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods. . . . (Deut. 7:3-4. Italics added.)

And in the meridian of time, as partially quoted above the same word was given: "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers." (2 Cor. 6:14.)

Many times, women have come to me in tears. How they would love to be able to train their children in the gospel of Jesus Christ! But they are unable to do so because of the religious incompatibility with a nonmenber husband. How they would like to accept for themselves positions of responsibility in the Church! How they would like to pay their tithing! How they would appreciate going to the temple for their own endowments and to do work for the dead! How they wish they could be sealed for eternity and have the promise of having their own flesh and blood, their children, sealed to them for eternity! Sometimes it is men in this predicament. But they have locked the doors, and the doors have often rusted on their hinges.

[Guest mormonmusic]

Only you can answer this -- but here are a few things to consider.

1. If you become active, you might find the various well-meaning members of the Church will often be coming at your or your husband to teach him about the gospel throughout your entire marriage. I've seen this happen. If he doesn't respond, you might find this annoying. You will have to deal with it by asserting yourself. If you move to another Ward, you might have to train the Ward to leave you, and him, alone if these overtures are unwelcome or perceived as pushy or annoying.

2. If you have children, and are active, you might feel frustrated you are "unequally yoked" in the gospel and have to shoulder a lot of the Churchgoing and gospel training alone. You need to decide if you want this, if you think that is a risk. Same with hearing all the talks about temple marriages and eternal family and such in lessons and talks. You won't have that if he doesn't respond, so you need to be mentally prepared to handle that angst, if you anticpate having such angst.

3. Your children may be confused by the inconsistency between the parents. They may not choose the LDS way in the end -- at least, I think the probability is higher they might not when the parents are not unified. You have to decide if you can accept this risk.

4. Decide how much of a need you have for family commitment, and what you anticipate needing from your husband in the future when it comes to gospel training. Hard to predict, but if you really need a supportive husband in the gospel -- and that means temple marriage etcetera, think hard about whether this is the right decision for you.

5. How supportive will he be of your paying tithing if you choose to do this? Is this level of support for paying tithing on your income acceptable to you?

These are the costs as I see them -- your husband and your relationship you love represent the benefits - when you net them together, what do you get?

I also want to say that I see the benefits of a temple marriage. I have one, but it didn't turn out to be a fulfilling relationship -- at least, not nearly as much as I would haved liked it to be -- by a long shot. So, I place a high value on sheer compatibility of the person -- whether a member or not, which figures into the benefit part of this cost-benefit analysis.

When you put all this together, does it net a positive or a negative?

Edited December 5, 2011 by mormonmusic

[UrbanFool]

Zuko.... if you're crying every night, I wouldn't be thinking about kids at the moment.

[ManChild]

Ok, so I'll give my 2 cents on this subject. We all have had different experiences. Here is mine. I dated a non member for a couple of years. Somewhere in there on her own accord, she got baptized. We got married, but we did not get married in the temple (big mistake). I grew up in the church and she did not. It did not work for us for a number of reasons. I found that she liked the idea of the church and the focus on the family, but that was about it. She has not progressed at all since she got baptized. She feels she is better than church members and sees Visiting Teaching and Relief Society as a waste of time.

So, I guess I would just caution you as you move forward. Love is love I guess, but it's not always going to work the way you would like. I know now (after 11 yrs married with divorce pending) that I will not date outside the church again. I had to work really hard to try and be happy, but it just wasn't the same. We didn't have similar goals or values in the end. I would give one final word of advice. If he loves you and respects you, how about do what is necessary to get married in the temple ? Now thats a good idea :)

[Bini]

There are always exceptions to every rule and every story. But for me, it's more of what is likely to happen.

I have a friend that has a little boy. She is single. Recently she has become involved with a man that openly shares that he does not want children, ever. For the moment, it isn't a big deal because my friend swears that they're not serious and that if it's mean to be, then he'll have a change of heart. Maybe so. But why risk it and invest time, energy and emotions into someone that isn't on the same page as you? Yes, sometimes these things iron out and people get their happy endings but I'm more inclined to say that the opposite happens.