He wants a divorce. Its over. How do I save it?


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Hi,

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out because my new husband after just getting married to me this weekend told me that he felt pressured to marry me and its over. I'm also worried because on our wedding night we had sex and I had to take a emergency mornig after pill. I really love him and I'm worried that he will leave me pregnant if the pill doesnt work somehow. I really love him and want our marriage to work. He basicaly wants nothing to with me. My girlfriends say to fight for my marriage. What should I do? have any one else gone through this?

Do I give him time? What can I say or do? or is it really over? I asked him to at least wait til I get my period to make sure iim not pregnant before getting the divorce papers and i havent heard from him again.

I don't know what to do. He means the world to me. I don't see how he can tell me that he loved me. wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. then this happens. He will never know what much he really meant to me.

What should I do? Has anyone else had this happen to them before?

I'm just sitting here crying trying to make sense of it all.

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What are his given reasons as grounds for divorce? Why exactly does he want to discontinue after a week? Was it a temple sealing? If you are married to him, do you want to spend the rest of your life/eternity with this man?

You deserve a man who wants you even in the tough times and is willing to work through problems. You don't want to be in a relationship where he is half committed or less, I don't think that would work or foster happiness for you or your future children.

Ultimately if he is done and does not want to work through it at all you can show love and you can offer to work through it but a marriage is a two way operation, it takes two to make but one to break. I would do all you can to try to see what is really the heart of the issue, but let him make his choice. If he leaves it is not your fault. And just from a viewpoint you gave us unless there is something "fixed" in him (and not just subdued or put on the back burner) it looks like there may be more happiness in the split than trying to force him to stay, even for a child. Children don't fix problems, they amplify them. I would suggest trying to save it, but let him make his choice, he needs to choose you if it is going to work.

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What should I do? Has anyone else had this happen to them before?

I'm just sitting here crying trying to make sense of it all.

How do you save the marriage? trying to go to counseling with him, trying to let him see that it is worth trying to save or not giving up after 3 days. Or give him some time to get the pressure off him and see if he really wants to marry or not.

But in the end it takes two to make a marriage and if he doesn't want to be married, well there isn't anything one can do to stop him leaving. In that case one has to start looking towards the new life and start looking for someone else.

I have a friend who's wife left him during the wedding reception after the sealing. that is they were sealed in the morning in the Temple and then that afternoon had the reception where she went nuts, starting hitting him in front of some of the guest and that was it, they ended the marriage there and divorced later when they could do the paperwork. In his case he didn't even get to loose his virginity.

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Why does it sound like he wanted sex, then to be done with it? I am so sorry you are going thru this.

I tried to do everything right. No sexual intercourse before marriage. Do I deserve the way that he is treating me? I feel like just an object to him. I'm scared to death that he is gonna leave me pregnant. Do I have a right to talk to his bishop about what happened?

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What are his given reasons as grounds for divorce? Why exactly does he want to discontinue after a week? Was it a temple sealing? If you are married to him, do you want to spend the rest of your life/eternity with this man?

You deserve a man who wants you even in the tough times and is willing to work through problems. You don't want to be in a relationship where he is half committed or less, I don't think that would work or foster happiness for you or your future children.

Ultimately if he is done and does not want to work through it at all you can show love and you can offer to work through it but a marriage is a two way operation, it takes two to make but one to break. I would do all you can to try to see what is really the heart of the issue, but let him make his choice. If he leaves it is not your fault. And just from a viewpoint you gave us unless there is something "fixed" in him (and not just subdued or put on the back burner) it looks like there may be more happiness in the split than trying to force him to stay, even for a child. Children don't fix problems, they amplify them. I would suggest trying to save it, but let him make his choice, he needs to choose you if it is going to work.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He told me that he felt that he made a mistake but honestly I think he just wanted the sex. It was a civil marriage. I don't understand it. He told me that he loved me unconditionally. I thought that we were gonna make it throuh thick and thin. Do I have a right to talk to his bishop about this? technically im still his wife.

I asked him if he wanted to go to lds family services to work thing outs but i havent heard back.

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How do you save the marriage? trying to go to counseling with him, trying to let him see that it is worth trying to save or not giving up after 3 days. Or give him some time to get the pressure off him and see if he really wants to marry or not.

But in the end it takes two to make a marriage and if he doesn't want to be married, well there isn't anything one can do to stop him leaving. In that case one has to start looking towards the new life and start looking for someone else.

I have a friend who's wife left him during the wedding reception after the sealing. that is they were sealed in the morning in the Temple and then that afternoon had the reception where she went nuts, starting hitting him in front of some of the guest and that was it, they ended the marriage there and divorced later when they could do the paperwork. In his case he didn't even get to loose his virginity.

I asked him if he was willing to go to counseling at lds family services but i havent heard back from him.

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It doesnt sound like he actually wanted to sex or he would still be there. At least for awhile. Maybe he is gay and was faking it but decided it wouldnt work after all.

I don't quite understand that i mean he was all over me. you know what i mean. he really wanted sex.

Are you joking with me? I just about laughed at that last part. I don't know if I have the guts to ask him if he is really gay. I dont know if a guy that married me asked me if I really lesbian or something I think I would be so stunned that I wouldn't know what to say. like WHAT?

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It is an odd idea and I doubt I would ask. lol. It was just an idea to explain his very odd behavior. Frankly if he doesnt want to be married after just getting married I would walk away and consider myself lucky. How much worse to find out he didnt want to be married after years and some kids.

Not that it is easy now. I cant even imagine how devastated you must feel.

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I tried to do everything right. No sexual intercourse before marriage. Do I deserve the way that he is treating me? I feel like just an object to him. I'm scared to death that he is gonna leave me pregnant. Do I have a right to talk to his bishop about what happened?

Absolutely have the right to talk to his bishop and yours too. In some cases bishops will take some disciplinary action, like taking his recommend away, if he insists in walking out so soon. But that's up to the individual bishop.

And NO, you don't deserve the way he is treating you. You do deserve better. So if he refuses to go to counseling as he hasn't answer back yet, and refuses to try to save the marriage, well then maybe it is better if you find someone else.

Many women have been left at the altar or seen their engagement broken off for fivolous reasons, or had a husband walk out during the first year. Then , after all the dust settles, they are the better person after that horrible experience and move on to better things, like a proper marriage.

So don't cut yourself short nor live in the past. If he wont accept counseling or meeting with some Bishop well then its just time to move onto something better!

If you are pregnant, well congratulations ;) you did things the Lords way! and make sure you become a good mom to the kid....and make sure he pays his child support or alimony or whatever your state laws require.

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Yes, please talk to your bishop and his bishop if you feel as if you should. You also should talk to a lawyer and find out your your rights and responsibilities as well as his. Do it ASAP!! Many lawyers will give you an initial free consultation. Ask them if they would do so when you are calling for an appointment. Please do so. I assume you found an apartment, perhaps purchased items together and have other financial responsibilities. I don't know if his credit rating could effect yours, but you also don't want to pay for things you did not buy because he left you holding the bag.

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I strongly doubt he married you just to have sex with you and be done with it. I was always told that getting married just to have sex then get a divorce when your done is just as bad if not worse then premarrital sex.(only to the one doing it for that reason and intent mind you)

This does sound strange though, how long did the two of you date before you got married? How long have you known eachother? How was the relationship before you were married?

I know we have a lot of pressure to get married quickly to avoid missteps.

It is entirely possible he is a little weak willed and everyone telling him to marry you, get married, etc etc pushed him into it before he was ready. He wouldnt be the 1st person who made that mistake.

Sorry you have to go through this it isnt easy like others have said though it's better earlier on not 2-4 years down the road with children. You WILL make it through regardless of the outcome and you will be stronger for it.

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Why would he marry you just to have sex with you? Sounds like awful lots of "trouble" just to get laid? If he just wanted sex he could have got it in other easier ways with other women without dissapointing your families like this?

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Hi,

I'm also worried because on our wedding night we had sex and I had to take a emergency mornig after pill.

I keep coming back to this for some reason. Why was it an emergency? You knew what you'd be doing on your wedding night, no?

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We are back together as a couple. He still wants the anulment.

He said to me, "Just so you know in order for me staying with you you can't pressure me to do anything not mention marriage the temple or anything like that the moment you do its over"

He wants to date me again for a year, and eventually go the temple.

Would you ladies accept something like this? I'm having a hard time with the "anulment" thing because It my breaks my heart that he is taking away me being his wife.

I still want to spend the rest of my life with this man but I feel like he is indirectly telling me that I am not good enough to be his wife with this "anulment" thing.

What do you think? Am I taking this too personally or do you sense controlling behavior?

I don't know what to do.

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Personally, I'd tell him its either an annulment and its over or you are with me through thick and thin. I wouldn't go for what he's proposing. If he wants an annulment, then HE is not good enough for YOU. It doesn't matter if he felt pressured into the decision to marry. The decision was his, and he needs to stick by his commitments. If he can't do that, then he shouldn't make them.

His attitude about the temple marriage probably means he is having testimony issues. He may be considering leaving the church and wants to go back to dating because then he can "correct" the expectation of a temple marriage. But he is going about everything the wrong way. He needs to be honest and open with you. He needs to be responsible and committed to his word. He needs to be willing to listen to you and take your opinion/thoughts/feelings into consideration instead of waltzing all over you with this sudden "change of heart" and expecting you to just take it in stride and do whatever he wants.

You need to really think about what he is doing, what this says about his character, and ask yourself if you really still want to be with this man. What he is doing IS controlling, and you need to be strong and put your foot down so that he doesn't control you the rest of your life.

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It sounds like he's setting up an expectation of controlling you completely. If you accept this from him, what other kinds of mistreatment will you get out of him? He's belittling you albeit in a subtle-like fashion, making you think he's the one with the issue but if you say anything about anything he's saying it'll be your fault that it doesn't work. The moment you make a mistake he'll say it's over, you'll cry and beg and he'll come up with some other ultimatum to further control you.

Take this to prayer about what to do. Bishops are fallible. He will likely tell you you need to try to work it out, but working it out is a two way thing, not an ultimatum with one person in control of the relationship. If you do not leave now you will likely become a victim of domestic violence either psychologically, sexually or physically. No, I am not kidding. This is a 180 from his previous loving behavior before you were married. That's a huge red flag.

Also, don't have sex with him or have sex with him with a condom to prevent throwing children into the mix.

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Guest mormonmusic

Iheard there was a problem at BYU at one time where people would get married civilly, have sex, and then get an anulment or divorce right afterwards. It was a way of circumventing the law of chastity....could this have been his motive? He found you attractive and wanted to indulge -- knowing marriage was the only way to get you into it?

You are DEFINITELY not taking this too personally.

Whatever you do, if it turns out you're not pregnant -- don't have a child, even if he decides to keep the legal marriage intact. Don't view it as a way of cementing the relationship, and don't have any unprotected sex (if you even feel right about sex at all given his intent to anul the marriage).

Personally, I would break away from the guy if I could immediately. I'm not sure how he can get an anulment unless one of you is unfit for marriage -- and this means incapable of intercourse or mentally ill or something -- as far as I know.

If I was you, I'd be out of this relationship immediately if I could -- particularly if there were no children. Don't consign yourself to a life of misery.

I've been there and done that, sort of. These are HUGE red flags. I'd be thankful they were raised early in the marriage and not later, although like you, I'd rather not have this problem at all.

The thing that baffles me the most here is the absence of REASONS given for his behavior - -you haven't given any, other than perhaps fear of the temple or "feeling pressured" which really, only points to an underlying concern that is not resolved. Can you elaborate on WHY he had this sudden turn of events? Was the wedding night not a good experience? Was there a disagreement about something?

Also, what reasons did you both have for not getting a temple wedding from the outset? Perhaps there are clues there as to why he is behaving this way.

Edited by mormonmusic
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Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

this is an excellent website you should look at and take your time when you do so. Use the whee, it helps you see what is going on. He knows what he is doing. He is an abuser.

Run! Run fast and far away because he has already shown you how abusive and controlling he is. How would you feel if your daughter, you child were facing the same situation? Because if you stay, this is the example you will provide for your children of what a marriage should be.

If you don't believe me, please before you make up your mind, call the domestic abuse hotline and just talk. Tell them what you have been through, what he wants, what you want and then listen to them when they tell you what your choices are and about some of the consequences that may follow.

If you hadn't had any legal counsel, please, please go get some. This is an abusive man. What he has done is possibly worse than just punching you in the face and leaving you with a black eye.

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