He wants a divorce. Its over. How do I save it?

[Guest]

I agree with the others. Consider the annulment a gift, and find someone who deserves you.

[Windseeker]

I really hope you listen to the advice you've been given. Like Eowyn says the annulment is a gift take it and don't look back. If a child appears on the scene he gets to pay child support but other than that you need to break all bonds with this scum.

[annewandering]

What happens in a year? Ok he wants a year of sex, no strings attached, then annulment? Sounds like he wants a temporary sex partner but then he is going to 'get on with his real life'. Is he going to school? This is a very common thing in some places for male students to do.

[Dravin]

I really hope you listen to the advice you've been given. Like Eowyn says the annulment is a gift take it and don't look back. If a child appears on the scene he gets to pay child support but other than that you need to break all bonds with this scum.

If no child results then she is free to break all bonds with him, but if a child results she will forever have a bond with him because of their child together. The bond may only exist through the child and it may be minimal, child support, but it's gonna be there unless not only does he cut and run completely but their child has absolutely no interest in his/her biological father. If he wants to be involved in the child's life then breaking all bonds with him isn't really an option, even if breaking the emotional ones is.

Edited November 23, 2011 by Dravin

[annewandering]

Truthfully, there is no easy answer for this problem. You are going to hurt no matter what happens. Generally it is just better to snap a shoulder back in place quickly than to baby it along hoping to fix it without pain.

[ADoyle90815]

I agree that you should consider the annulment to be a "Get out of Jail Free card" since him blaming you for "pressuring" him into marriage is a sign to me that he's abusive. If you stayed with him and did have a child, he could abuse the child as well, since that's often the case in domestic abuse situations. It also teaches a girl that abuse is normal in a marriage, as she learns from example, and sons often learn that they can abuse their wives. I do understand that there are wives who abuse their husbands, but it's more likely that the wife is abused.

Having been in an emotionally abusive marriage myself, I thank God every day that I was able to escape without having any children, since I was able to cut off all contact with my ex-husband. If I was pregnant, I would have been stuck with fighting a nasty child support battle. I wish my ex-husband wanted an annulment soon after we married, it would have saved the expense of a divorce, since we nearly went to court because at first, he said he wouldn't sign the papers. In the end, he signed the papers, and it was finalized almost a year after I filed. Originally he said he wanted the divorce, but he wouldn't have acted on it, yet when I filed the papers myself, it showed him he was losing control of me. I ended up getting a restraining order against him.

Edited November 23, 2011 by ADoyle90815

[girlygirl]

Sorry to be so cut and dry but this situation sounds nuts!

If you had sex once, your wedding night, and had the morning after pill within 24 hours, (taking into account what time it was in your cycle)- it is next to impossible that you will get pregnant.

Second off- take his wanting to leave as a blessing. This guy sound mentally unsound. How can you feel 'pressured' or 'forced' to go through such a big deal of a marriage ceremony and reception when you don't want to? I know it has happened but to say a few days later you didn't want it sounds crazy.

You DESERVE BETTER. Please please find someone who can honor their marriage vows and will want you in sickness and in health. If you persue this relationship there is no way I can see it as everlasting.

I am so sorry to hear you are caught up in this. There is someone out there who will love and respect you!!!!

When I was in a terrible relationship but thought 'he was the one' my friend gave me the sage advice that 'no matter how great you think a guy is there is always a better one out there.' This is so true! Do not destroy your life with this guy who you have to twist his arm to convince him to not leave you!!!

[annewandering]

I notice that you are 27 years old. Do you feel he is your last chance?

He is not.

[Guest mormonmusic]

Yes -- undergo the hurt and embarrassment and look forward to replacing it with something much better. It's so much easier to live with someone who meets your emotional needs naturally, and whose needs YOU meet naturally without making major changes to your personality and who you are.

Its much harder to live and hope the other person will someday meet your needs. And that day may never arrive even if you stay with the marriage.

Start over with someone else. Get past the hurt -- there is nothing like a loving relationship with someone who loves you back to fill the hole this guy sounds he will leave in your heart if you get the anulment. Look forward to that full relationship -- have faith in it.

[ghostbuster]

I totally understand him in my case. You stated he was pressured into marriage. I was to. My wife planned it all out and even assumed we were dateing even when we were not. I never wanted to be with her but things rolled on and I guess I went with it. I get so pissed off at times with her and she is the one that fell away from the church cause she didnt want Christ in her life let a lone God. This may be one of those situations in a sense. I need good counseling myself on this issue.

[Guest]

ghost, say no sooner. I hope you didn't treat your wife this way. However you got there, you said "I do". I presume she wasn't holding a gun to your head. There's no excuse for how this guy is treating her.

[ghostbuster]

No talking does this as well as someone in the relationship not being honest with who they are. That is why you should wait to get married and really search and pray for the person you are to be with. If I was you, I would 1st get a serious blessing from a strong priesthood holder for answers from the Father. The 2nd part we will have to wait to find out what the blessing said. And Eowyn, this is a VERY serious thing what she is going thru. She needs help and no one has the right to judge. Read the New Testament, you will see. Also Eowyn, I listened to God himself. Not anyone else on this question of marrying my wife. The issues are still there and she doesnt want to talk about it by blowing it off.

[prettyrose]

I wrote the goodbye letter. I took allot of your advice. I'm crying again this hurts

too bad. A part of me doesn't want to see him cry. A part of me doesn't want to

hand this goodbye letter to him. Why does this hurt so much? My soul is just so messed

up right now. I don't know if this is the right move by telling him to either marry me and/or that I deserve someone that will honor their marriage vows and be there through thick and thin. I'm just so torn sitting here in tears crying again. My break up letter is

two pages long. I really love him and I don't know if Im making the right move.

What do I do if he starts to cry and begs me to stay?

Wht do I do if he calls me the B word and says "see ya" ?

I'm so lost right now. This isn't easy.

[Guest mormonmusic]

It will hurt...for a while. But with time, you will get over it. I have a few things that might help ease the pain.

1. First of all, fast and draw your heart out to God. The Book of Mormon has a a few passages where people overcame grief "by degrees" as they fasted.

2. Humbly ask Him to strengthen you, repeat the words "Heavenly Father, help me to rely on Thee"

3. Affirm your faith that God will help you find someone more suitable in your prayers. Visualize it happening when you feel ready to find another relationship.

4. Recognize that in a way, your civil marriage was a blessing. Because it was not a temple marriage, you are still free to marry another man in the temple some day without having to jump through administrative hoops. So, in a way, you are still well-positioned for fresh beginning, in the temple if you want.

5. Recognize we care about what has happened to you here -- at least I do. I married someone and had a similar experience. Wedding night and the first year of marriage was full of nasty surprises. I also saw a lawyer talked about an anulment. Out of a sense of loyalty and hope there would be change, I stayed with the marriage. Twenty years later, I often wonder if it was the right thing when I see so many other couples I know well who get along well and see theri marriage as a source of fulfilment, not a challenge they hope will blossom into something fulfilling someday. At the time, it would have been easy to start over. Now, it would be hard with children, mortgages, wealth to split, houses and my age. And guess what -- while my marriage has improved dramatically, after all this effort, I rate it a 5-7 out of 10, depending on various factors.

Better to marry someone who meets your emotional needs without really trying....

6. If he calls you a B____ and says something nasty, then take that as confirmation you have done the right thing. You deserve BETTER!!!

7. If he wants a reconciliation -- stick to your guns. He's behaved very badly here. If there was ever a set of red flags indicating you are in for a rough marriage, this is it.

8. Realize you will get over this eventually -- especially when you are ready to meet someone new and you find him-- he is out there....

Good luck and write often when you need more support. I hope it's easy to get a divorce in the State you are in.

[FairChild]

I want to add one more thing prettyrose may do and that is to find others and be of service to them. I find that when I am of service to others, most often I am the one that is most helped. I leave you with prayers and hope. You are very strong to do this. It is a very hard thing, but you are doing it. Heavenly Father loves you so much. Please find ways to be tender and kind to yourself. That will help too. FC

[FairChild]

If I didn't say it, I am very proud of you prettyrose for the hard choices you are making.

[Guest]

You've done a hard thing. It will be rough for awhile, but down the road I have no doubt you'll be so relieved that you dodged this bullet. I had a 3-year relationship that wasn't healthy. We never married, thank goodness, but I did love him very much, and I know that if our wants had been in line with each other, we would have been married. I don't know if it would have lasted. I do know I would be very unhappy with him. He was always undercutting how I felt about myself and telling me what to do and how to be. Anyway, down the road I met and fell in love with the kindest, truest, most wonderful man, who loves me wholly for just who I am. Not that life has been perfect, but I am happier than I ever realized I could be. We've built a beautiful little life together. I'm thankful every day that I lost the other guy, even though I was so completely heartbroken and crushed when things didn't work out.

There's a great conference talk about these times of trial that we go through. Here is the link Come What May, and Love It - general-conference , and I'll end my novel here with my favorite part of the talk:

". . .understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

[ruthiechan]

You'll be in my prayers. *hugs*

[JudoMinja]

I wrote the goodbye letter. I took allot of your advice. I'm crying again this hurts

too bad. A part of me doesn't want to see him cry. A part of me doesn't want to

hand this goodbye letter to him. Why does this hurt so much? My soul is just so messed

up right now. I don't know if this is the right move by telling him to either marry me and/or that I deserve someone that will honor their marriage vows and be there through thick and thin. I'm just so torn sitting here in tears crying again. My break up letter is

two pages long. I really love him and I don't know if Im making the right move.

What do I do if he starts to cry and begs me to stay?

Wht do I do if he calls me the B word and says "see ya" ?

I'm so lost right now. This isn't easy.

No matter what he does about the letter, you need to be firm about what treatment you expect and deserve. You cannot cave into what he wants just to make him happy. I can understand the fear of his reaction. In a way... it is like a test of his love for you, and it may be hard to accept the result. Just remember, that whatever his "score"- his love is not a reflection of your worth. It is only a reflection of him.

Remember- he is either committed to the marriage or he isn't. There is no half-way point, no middle ground. He made this decision, now he needs to buck up and be honest about what he really wants. As a couple, your goals should mesh together. If he is pulling this on you just because he doesn't really want to go to the temple- he needs to be clear about that, and should have been clear about that from the start instead of "tricking" you into a marriage. Be prepared for the worst and know that even if this man does not love you, you ARE loved.

Don't let him downplay your emotions or act like they are unimportant. This is very serious. You are very justified in your hurts and complaints. No matter how "pressured" he felt about the decision, it was still HIS decision, and he needs to man up and act responsibly. He's either in or he's out.

You're doing the right thing, and my prayers will be with you.

[zuko725]

My heart goes out to you!! Stay strong and you will get through this! One day, when you're married to a much more deserving man you will be able to look back on all of this and be grateful!

[ReynaRosa]

PrettyRose, with all that Heavenly Father has given you, why not place into actions his teachings and love for you? civil marriage not temple? He wasn't looking for eternal marriage with you from the begining...I feel for you, but GOD wants the best for you, a strong Godly Man in your life and not one who is a coward.

[Carl62]

We are back together as a couple. He still wants the anulment.

He said to me, "Just so you know in order for me staying with you you can't pressure me to do anything not mention marriage the temple or anything like that the moment you do its over"

He wants to date me again for a year, and eventually go the temple.

Would you ladies accept something like this? I'm having a hard time with the "anulment" thing because It my breaks my heart that he is taking away me being his wife.

I still want to spend the rest of my life with this man but I feel like he is indirectly telling me that I am not good enough to be his wife with this "anulment" thing.

What do you think? Am I taking this too personally or do you sense controlling behavior?

I don't know what to do.

In most cases I would say try to stick it out and look for the remote possibility that it might work, but after reading what you said that he said this guy is going to be nothing more than a controlling nutjob. Get out while you can and instead of looking at this as a marriage, look at this as nothing more than just a long, bad date. While I understand that you're an emotional wreck right now, if you get with somebody who treats you the way you should be treated and who loves you unconditionally, in five years from now you'll barely remember this guys last name.

Edited November 28, 2011 by Carl62

[MorningStar]

This happened to an old friend's daughter. Right after they got married, he said he just wanted to go back to dating her. Then she caught him a week or so later chatting up girls on BYU campus without his wedding ring. Not surprisingly, she dumped him.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I wrote the goodbye letter. I took allot of your advice. I'm crying again this hurts

too bad. A part of me doesn't want to see him cry. A part of me doesn't want to

hand this goodbye letter to him. Why does this hurt so much? My soul is just so messed

up right now. I don't know if this is the right move by telling him to either marry me and/or that I deserve someone that will honor their marriage vows and be there through thick and thin. I'm just so torn sitting here in tears crying again. My break up letter is

two pages long. I really love him and I don't know if Im making the right move.

What do I do if he starts to cry and begs me to stay?

Wht do I do if he calls me the B word and says "see ya" ?

I'm so lost right now. This isn't easy.

Don't know if you've given him the letter, or what his reaction was at receiving it if you did, but I do know from personal experience that sometimes a man can't handle feeling pressured and he will run from a woman even though he loves her. That doesn't mean you caused the pressure that made him run, either. There could be things from his own life that have caused him to put pressure upon himself and he may not even realize it.

I also know from personal experience that when a man runs, the woman has the natural tendency to ask herself, "How could this man say he loved me and then turn and run? He must not have meant it." Sometimes a man runs out of fear of some kind that really has nothing to do with the woman. Or sometimes he'll run when he feels he's not good enough for her, or when he fears he can't be what he thinks she expects or needs him to be.

Whatever the case in your situation, though, if you truly love this man, you need to take a breath. You need to take the time necessary to get over the shock of what's happened and not react impulsively in the emotion of the moment. I know, it's very easy to say, but can be extremely difficult to actually do. Even so, you need some time to rest and calm yourself, in order to better evaluate things, and to find out, if possible, where his struggles are really coming from. After all, you loved this man enough to marry him, so please don't act rashly in your hurt and pain.

[Windseeker]

You married a child and he's trying to force you into being his mother by manipulating you into unconditional giving. A real man is responsible and simply does not run away, not from committment and definately not from Love. Emotional abuse and lack of commitment is not "Love" by any definition. Your Love won't change or fix him.

If someone runs away and says "I'm not good enough for you" what they really mean is "please feel sorry for me and give me what I want" or "I'm too good for you and hopefully you'll ignore that I'm trying to get away as I throw up my smokescreen of confusion and lies".

Either way the child is not ready for a committed relationship and you deserve better. Unless you like babies..cause some people do although it brings up even worse behavior when a real baby enters the scene.