He wants a divorce. Its over. How do I save it?


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Don't know if you've given him the letter, or what his reaction was at receiving it if you did, but I do know from personal experience that sometimes a man can't handle feeling pressured and he will run from a woman even though he loves her. That doesn't mean you caused the pressure that made him run, either. There could be things from his own life that have caused him to put pressure upon himself and he may not even realize it.

I also know from personal experience that when a man runs, the woman has the natural tendency to ask herself, "How could this man say he loved me and then turn and run? He must not have meant it." Sometimes a man runs out of fear of some kind that really has nothing to do with the woman. Or sometimes he'll run when he feels he's not good enough for her, or when he fears he can't be what he thinks she expects or needs him to be.

Whatever the case in your situation, though, if you truly love this man, you need to take a breath. You need to take the time necessary to get over the shock of what's happened and not react impulsively in the emotion of the moment. I know, it's very easy to say, but can be extremely difficult to actually do. Even so, you need some time to rest and calm yourself, in order to better evaluate things, and to find out, if possible, where his struggles are really coming from. After all, you loved this man enough to marry him, so please don't act rashly in your hurt and pain.

Very wise words of advice.

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You married a child and he's trying to force you into being his mother by manipulating you into unconditional giving. A real man is responsible and simply does not run away, not from committment and definately not from Love. Emotional abuse and lack of commitment is not "Love" by any definition. Your Love won't change or fix him.

If someone runs away and says "I'm not good enough for you" what they really mean is "please feel sorry for me and give me what I want" or "I'm too good for you and hopefully you'll ignore that I'm trying to get away as I throw up my smokescreen of confusion and lies".

Either way the child is not ready for a committed relationship and you deserve better. Unless you like babies..cause some people do although it brings up even worse behavior when a real baby enters the scene.

I very much appreciate your strong feelings on the matter and it is a terrible thing to have happened. At the same time, though, she, too, made a commitment and whatever a "real man" would do, I might ask what it is that a "real woman" would do?

A real woman does not take her commitments lightly. She thinks things through carefully. She is strong in the face of adversity, as well as being nurturing, kind, compassionate and understanding, even when it comes to a grown man that seems to be acting as a selfish and immature child.

I would say prettyrose needs to allow herself some time to recover from the shock of having her world turned upside down. As I see it, she has that right. As I also see it, she, as the woman who committed to be his wife, also has a responsibility for the commitment she made, so I don't find allowing herself a little time to thoughtfully work through her decisions unreasonable.

I would also suggest that even in a situation as unfortunate as this it would not be the first occurrence when a little time, patience, and love of a good woman could help a struggling man overcome a childish weakness. ;)

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I know there is a lot of really sweet hearted advice here. Prettyrose, I gotta tell ya, take that annulment and run... You were both somewhat impulsive possibly, but the fact that not only does he not care for your feelings, and that he blames his own part of his actions on you indicates to me that this is not a person in a current state that you would want to waste a whole extra year on.

You have learned a hard lesson. A grown man should not make any decisions based on whether or not he feels pressured, and a grown woman won't have a man she has to pressure into doing the right thing. PLease do not spend a year waiting for him to stop feeling sorry for himself when he should be feeling like the luckiest man in the world. Marrying you is an opportunity and a blessing beyond measure, being sealed in the temple to you should be something he considers a great honor and something to be anxiously awaiting.

Hang in there, girl, you have a bright future ahead of you if you keep your eyes on the temple.

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I very much appreciate your strong feelings on the matter and it is a terrible thing to have happened. At the same time, though, she, too, made a commitment and whatever a "real man" would do, I might ask what it is that a "real woman" would do?

A "real woman" is going to have enough self respect and courage to pick herself up and move on. For her sake and the sake of her future children.

A real woman does not take her commitments lightly. She thinks things through carefully. She is strong in the face of adversity, as well as being nurturing, kind, compassionate and understanding, even when it comes to a grown man that seems to be acting as a selfish and immature child.

This guy lies to her, breaks her heart, manipulates her feelings and if she agrees to the anulment she is taking her commitments lightly, she's weak and unkind? Marriage is hard enough and this kind of volitile behavior so soon is not a good sign for the future. No matter how nurturing, kind, compassionate and understanding a person is, they cannot change another person or force someone to love them.

I would say prettyrose needs to allow herself some time to recover from the shock of having her world turned upside down. As I see it, she has that right. As I also see it, she, as the woman who committed to be his wife, also has a responsibility for the commitment she made, so I don't find allowing herself a little time to thoughtfully work through her decisions unreasonable.

No ones disputing her rights and I don't see her breaking any commitments.

I would also suggest that even in a situation as unfortunate as this it would not be the first occurrence when a little time, patience, and love of a good woman could help a struggling man overcome a childish weakness. ;)

His childish weakness is he does not want to be married to her. His suggestion that they get an anulment and date for a year needs to be entered into the hall of fame of pathetic break up promises. Her patience and love are wasted in my opinion.

Again we only know one side of the story, so I'm basing what my reaction on what the OP has shared.

Edited by Windseeker
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A "real woman" is going to have enough self respect and courage to pick herself up and move on. For her sake and the sake of her future children.

This guy lies to her, breaks her heart, manipulates her feelings and if she agrees to the anulment she is taking her commitments lightly, she's weak and unkind? Marriage is hard enough and this kind of volitile behavior so soon is not a good sign for the future. No matter how nurturing, kind, compassionate and understanding a person is, they cannot change another person or force someone to love them.

No ones disputing her rights and I don't see her breaking any commitments.

His childish weakness is he does not want to be married to her. His suggestion that they get an anulment and date for a year needs to be entered into the hall of fame of pathetic break up promises. Her patience and love are wasted in my opinion.

Again we only know one side of the story, so I'm basing what my reaction on what the OP has shared.

I do hope you noticed I didn't justify any of his behaviors. ;)

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PrettyRose,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I knew you must have gone through or be going through something horrible based on your response to what I wrote but I had no idea what until this morning.

You asked for my forgiveness and I want you to know that I had already given it before you asked. Yet now that I better understand why you said the things you did, I feel even more compassion for you.

I hope there are no harsh feelings remaining between you and me Michelle and I'm sorry that my post offended you.

Going through what you're going through would devastate me.

I think for the most part that everyone either has or will experience something this painful in their life.

In the crucible of my own pain I know that were it not for the Holy Ghost and the comfort he gives, I could not endure. Though the pain and horror has shattered my soul, I've been held together so far by the power of God alone.

My heart goes out to you and I would that there was something more I could do or say to bring you succor.

Michelle, if you have not already, sincerely pray to the Father in the name of the Son for the comfort of the Holy Ghost to attend you throughout this conflict. I know he answers such prayers and it really makes all the difference in the world.

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He turned freaky again after he filed papers. Whoever said this guy is sadastic I think you were right. I've never seen anyone turn so cold hearted careless as him and basically forced you to give up a baby if you were pregnant.

He who? Your husband? So he filed? Did you talk about that in this thread and I missed it? Or in another thread? Sorry, lol. I feel like I left the room in the middle of a conversation so thought I should ask. Life has been a little crazy the last couple days and I've been distracted so could have easily missed things.

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If he cries and begs you to let him stay remember he was the one who wanted you to feel this way when he said he wanted out.

If he calls you the B word you know he doesn't love you

Look at it this way now you know what to look for in a mate that isn't good for you.

The pain will go away in time and you will find someone who will be the one for you.

I was in a divorce because I went and had and issue in me addressed it was when I was getting things corrected that my ex decided to wash her hands of me and find another man while still married to me and start a relationship in the full meaning of the word. Well she has left the kids thinking marriage is on and off just like you turn a faucet on and off. My ex was married 24 hours after the final divorce decree and my son who is 5 asks when am I getting married again as it didn't take mom this long.

I have maybe found someone and I am so scared to even think about marriage again as I don't want to go through another divorce ever I would rather be alone forever than do that. But you know we are not meant to be alone in this life so I will most likely one day marry this lady that I am talking with. We will have known each other for a year now and sort of understand each other. We also fit together quite well in the way we see life and marriage. No she is not a member but that doesn't mean a thing as to the quality of marriage we can have.

Look for someone who makes you feel happy, content, safe and really cares about what you think, feel, desire and want out of this life. Never just accept that no one else in the whole world would want you I have been there and done that and it ended in divorce as she was using me for a stepping stone in life and the kids are just a source of income for her. I don't think she really understands what love or marriage are or in this life may ever understand.

Oh well in my case the crying, feeling no one would ever want me, that I am a loser, good for nothing and just a jerk are past now I am on to how did this very pretty lady ever find me and I am so very lucky to have her in my life and hope to marry her maybe next year. Who knows fate and life have stepped in between many times already and we are still working towards being together and still feel strongly about each other.

Walk away, seek mental health counseling for yourself, get a lawyer and move on. Yes you have a failed relationship but the world hasn't ended, your are still a daughter of your loving father here on earth and in heaven and there is someone for you out there just waiting for you to find him and make his world and your complete.

Crying is the cleansing of the soul when there are no more tears you are ready to move forward with the knowledge you did nothing wrong and can be loved by someone who truly loves you.

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It really very sad...Generally it happens in every relationship..You have to be strong in this case even if he is your husband..Just wait for some days..see change in his behavior...If he doesn't come back then he is not worrying about you at that time you can become rude with him...You can take possible legal action against him...

Regards,

Sophia Smith

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  • 2 months later...

The annulment is done. When him and I walked out of the courthouse was when he told me that everything was lie from day one.

I just about died from shock. I sat there in disbelief. I couldn't comprehend fast enough what he told me. He had played me from the beginning.

I don't think I've ever going back to the church. I did everything right and I got screwed over!

I didn't have sex before marriage.

I followed the rules.

I can't believe this happened to me that he lied about everything. He lied about loving me. He lied about likeing me. He lied about everything. He words implied it was all lust. How can a man of the mormon church do this?

He took everything away from me that meant something that I wanted from the bottom of my heart.

What the h did I do to cause this? I think he had it planned from day one to play me.

I really liked the guy too. I guess I was the fool in this one. The annulment papers said he didn't love me since day after we had sex on honeymoon.

I can't believe his bishop actually approves of this behavior from him. I'm surprised he didn't lose his recommend for a year for doing this. He says his bishop knows everything but I doubt it

one broken heart :(

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Don't blame the church. You need to recognize that there are going to be bad apples in attendance. People aren't perfect, and the gospel is there for the sinners more than the righteous.

You've been through a terrible experience, and it is going to take time for your heart to mend. That mending will happen best if you allow the Savior to help. You've learned a very sad but important lesson about trusting people. You have to be careful in giving your trust. But even when you exercise the most extreme care, there are going to be some con-artists who know how to "play the game".

You are blessed that this ended quickly and that lying was all this man did to you. I know that may be hard to see now, but it could have been much worse. Now is a good time to remember that when we go through trials and hard times, the only way it will have meaning is if we strive to learn something from it so that the experience makes us stronger, wiser, and more compassionate toward others. As you allow your heart time to heal, see if your experience can help you look upon others with a keener insight and Christ-like compassion.

Also remember, that doing everything right does not mean we will not experience pain and suffering. Holding ourselves to the commitments we make with the lord does not offer any guarantee that our life will be wonderful or fit into any sort of plan we have for ourselves. The Lord has his own plan, and that plan includes experiences that will offer us a chance to grow spiritually through suffering. This experience can be for your good- if you will make it so. Dig deeper for spiritual answers, for spiritual strength, for the ability to trust and love and forgive.

I believe that you must be a strong woman for the Lord to have given you this trial- and you can become stronger still as you turn to Him. You will not lose out on the promised blessings for your righteousness. They will come. Perhaps not in the time or way you envision it, but they will come. Keep your firm grip on the iron rod, continue to hold true to your covenants, and you will be blessed. I know it, and I will have you in my prayers.

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It is not the church that failed you it was a man, a human being that will one day have to answer some really difficult questions as the one asking them already knows the answers.

You are going to need time to mend and again develop a trust of men, remember this though that your home teachers are there to be a of support for you.

Go and talk with your bishop about everything and don't leave anything out, if he is a good bishop he will be in touch with your ex's bishop and questions will get asked.

The Lord gives us only trails he is sure we can conquer if we but listen to the small still voice and go in the direction it tells us to go.

My ex did things when a life issue with me came to a head and she said some really hurtful things to me and yes it has left me wondering if there is a woman out there I can truly trust, give my heart to and not be hurt again. Will I ever find this person I don't know but know things the Lord has put in my path and an individual that has been very understanding of me, my challenges and struggles, even a few times when I have tried to push this person away as it was just too painful to think there could be someone who could care about me, she has stayed, has given me a reason to keep going and most of all she has always found something positive in life's negative issues.

Will we go beyond penpals I don't know as I am still scared of being wrong again in the person I chose to be with. One thing I know is that there is a reason why we are still writing and most of all there is to be challenges in our lives. Some realities are some of us are going to be alone in this life, some of us will never have children in this life, some of us will lose our partner in this life, some of us will be lucky and never know any of these issues in this life and lastly some will have a partner, children and other issues to deal with.

I look at it this way when I was in Heaven my father in heaven asked me out of all the human issues that I could possibly have to deal with in this life which ones did I want. Looking in the bag I noticed some really tough ones that had not been taken and there were still quite of few so I reached in not looking and took a handful and told him I hoped that I had not taken too many, that he would always help me when I fell down and that one day again I could hug him and he hug me and from that point on we could be together for eternity.

That is why keeps me fighting, keeps me close to the church and also keeps me realizing life is not meant to be easy it is meant to be hard and challenging and the more challenges we have the stronger we become if we want to and the weaker Satan influence on us becomes over time.

Today is Sunday I hope you read this early enough you can get dressed and go to church and enjoy the day. By the way today is my special day and I will go to church and enjoy it with my church family as I am in a ward that is very strong, very kind and even likes and old grouch like me.

May the Lord bless and give you comfort now and forever.

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The reason a man of the Church can do this is because the Church isn't responsible for changing people. Just because someone is Mormon/Christian/Jewish etc does not mean they are necessarily going to match whatever stereotype you have created.

I am going to be honest here: The reason this guy did what he did is because he was a loser and a scumbag and and words I can't say because I will get in trouble with the moderators.

I highly doubt anyone in the Church told him or even encourage him to do what he did. And if they did, they were not speaking in the name of the Church.

Yes, you followed the rules and I tip my hat to you for doing so. But don't think that just because you follow the rules means you get a perfect life. Yes, you are blessed for obey commandments, but those blessings don't always affect others.

My heart is broken for you. What happened to you was cruel and terrible and one of the saddest things I have ever heard. You will be in my prayers.

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Let him go, pray you are not pregnant and move on. You have done nothing wrong. For whatever reason he wants to end it so let him. Why "fight" for something that is not going to be there "fighting" for a relationship when the other one doesn't want it, is simply that, "a fight", and why not go your separate ways and have peace knowing you were innocent and still are.

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He has proven it was him, all him and not anything you have done. Allow him to accept the responsibility of it all and let yourself have the best possible life. I don't know if it helps, but I have found that many of the hardships I have survived, in turn, I was able to use what I learned to help someone else. I so hope that wonderful joy and peace guide you throughout your life.

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The sad part is that we all if we have a conscious idea of what we should be like feel hurt when bad things happen to us.

We beat ourselves up way more than we deserve, why I think one reason is because we are available to beat up. Second is the longer we feel that this is terrible no one will want me I am damaged, used and unclean the longer it will be before anyone including ourselves will see us any different. If we show the world and ourselves we can pick ourselves up, dust off the dirt from the last relationship and look forward it will get noticed and we will have to do nothing but be ourselves, happy, enjoying life and wondering what is next on our journey in this life.

The one thing that has kept me moving ever so slowly forward is that I do not believe my savior wants me to be alone and lonely in this life. Why because if I live the rest of my life here alone I will want to be alone in the next as that is what I know and understand. So how can I advance and be of greater value if I have shut myself away in this life and know little of the joys I missed, the sorrows I missed because I was in my own self pity party for so long.

My ex and her new man invited me to go to the hot springs yesterday when I took my kids back to them. It was sort of strange as she is not the woman I used to love and share life with anymore she is just someone I know. The kids loved having dad with them and playing in the pool and we had a great time. Some other kids even came over and wanted in our fun and yes I let them and they had fun also it was a good day for me as it allowed me to see that even kids can like me and even if they don't know me they know I am someone safe for them to be around. Yes the parents noticed these kids all around me and just thought it was so interesting that their kids felt safe in joining in. She has been removed from my loving heart by my savior and now I just hope he has someone or something to replace that big open empty whole in my heart. When we can forgive those who harm us most and most dearly we can begin to walk forward.

Now for what you should do well first stop blaming the church, it had nothing to do with him being a jerk it was all his doing. Second learn from this about men and how to read them and how to maybe find this out before marriage, Third work hard on your spiritual advancement, Fourth be thankful you are not pregnant with his child so you never have to deal with him again, and lastly enjoy spring it is a chance for a new you, a you that can smell those sweet flowers, see the beauty in nature and life around you an most of all you are free to be you and to look forward to a happy life.

Edited by shdwlkr
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Quite a tough situation, things will get better but it will take time. I went through a similar situation, I had a marriage which lasted a little bit more than 4 months, about a month in my ex seemed to decide that playing house wasn't fun anymore and checked out of the relationship and blamed me for being a bad guy (yet she couldn't tell me anything specific on what I did that was so bad). I tried everything I could but she couldn't have cared less about our marriage and ended up moving out and refusing to talk to me. I am still struggling to deal with the fact that I had to choose to get divorced, it wasn't what I wanted, I wanted to have a good relationship with her but that was impossible when she stopped communicating other than to tell me it was all my fault.

I have talked to her once since the divorce and tried to express that I was sorry for anything I had done and regretted that things turned out the way they did and that I was trying to forgive her for the way she had acted. Her only response, "Ok."

You might feel like things are starting to get better and then something random will make your emotions come crashing down, that's ok some days will be bad. I remember the first time it snowed during this last winter I broke down and cried because I used to swing by my ex's apartment when we were dating before work and clean off her car when it snowed. Just try and make the next day better and give yourself time to heal. It is tough to not blame yourself for not seeing something before hand or realizing something that would have made things turn out different. Unfortunately playing "what if?" doesn't change what happened and doesn't prevent people from doing bad things that we don't expect.

I hope you get through this and find happiness down the road.

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Unfortunately, men can put on a pretty good face and tell a woman "WHAT" she wants to hear. But deep down, this is not what they want.

Does this guy go to your ward? Sounds like he is a dirt bag.

How many BF have you had in your time? If you have had a few, did you see any potential warning signs as a result of your previous experience?

I think you need to study men more in how they behave and how they could mislead woman into a true long lasting relationship.

Often, what I find out, that young couples get divorced more often, remarry once or twice more, then married for life after they are in there middle 30s. I think it could be a maturity or selfishness factor and finally those couples learn from there mistakes, and don't repeat it again in the subsequent second or third marriage.

How long did you date this guy? I would date more men now that you are single. Remember, dating is like test driving a car. You need to find the right one that fits your personality and needs.

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Oh prettyrose, How hard it can be to grieve a loss, but especially when there has been a loss that involves a betrayal of trust, and along with that, on top of it, with the loss of having ones hopes and dreams for their future so shattered too. I can only imagine the awful degree of your suffering. How a man could do this is entirely beyond me. Such a man is scarcely worthy of a single tear, yet I know you have already shed many and I ache for you that you will likely shed many more before you're through. I fervently pray that the pain and suffering his selfishness has caused you can be quickly swallowed up in comfort, peace, and healing, and that all you ever hoped for will one day be found with a wonderful man who will love and deserve you and make you truly happy. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I am not sure but I can only reply not start a new thread. I need some advice. My husband wants a divorce at least that is what he said 2 weeks ago. We have been married 14 years. He has been though some hard times and off and on for years it's been a rough marriage. I love him though. I want my family to be together. I am tired of all the drama but willing to patient.

P.S how can I enter a thread? How do I get permission?

Edited by bluesky4
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I am not sure but I can only reply not start a new thread. I need some advice. My husband wants a divorce at least that is what he said 2 weeks ago. We have been married 14 years. He has been though some hard times and off and on for years it's been a rough marriage. I love him though. I want my family to be together. I am tired of all the drama but willing to patient.

P.S how can I enter a thread? How do I get permission?

To start a new thread you login and go to the main 'Marriage and Relationship Advice' and there click on 'New Thread' and that's it, just type. It's easy to do and always better to start a new thread than continue an old one if the topic changes slightly.

About your drama, I would always advice someone to do all they can to try and save the marriage. I'm divorced but the process was rather painful and I wish I could've avoided goning through that. But in your case he has only mentioned it recently so try new things first, go out, dates, special dinners etc to do things together but don't pressure him into anything, and do this before you suggest marriage counseling or talking to the bishop. It may not be a serious situation yet but only about frustration and/or hurt, I don't know off course but starting at the basics maybe the right place to start. best wishes.....john. ;)

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I am not sure but I can only reply not start a new thread. I need some advice. My husband wants a divorce at least that is what he said 2 weeks ago. We have been married 14 years. He has been though some hard times and off and on for years it's been a rough marriage. I love him though. I want my family to be together. I am tired of all the drama but willing to patient.

P.S how can I enter a thread? How do I get permission?

what reasons does he give for wanting a divorce?
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