Single parent dating in YSA?

[lydie15]

Hey,

I was just wondering, what is the perspective and thoughts of other YSA people in the Church of young fathers/mothers who are single/dating?

I went through a rough patch for a few years a couple of years ago where I didn't attend Church and got pregnant at 16, I'm now 18 with a 16 month old... I have come back to Church occassionally (I want to return to being fully active) and the reason why I haven't attended any YSA events is that I don't know ANYONE within the Church (in Australia) who has gone through the same things I have in the past few years, and I feel as if I'm being, so to say "looked down at" by the other YSA people.

I would love to start going to YSA events, I'm just worried that the fact of being 18 with a toddler would be a big scare for most young men...

Anyways, what's your opinion? Do you think this is true?

[Guest gopecon]

I have a friend who became engaged to a pregnant girl. They married a few weeks after she gave birth. He was a returned missionary, so it can happen for you. To be honest, all things being equal you having a child will be a drawback for some guys. Not to sound cold, but that is a consequence of having a child at such a young age. Repentance will make you clean, but you have a very tangible result of your actions that you are committed to for the rest of your life. I can assure you that there are others who have gone through what you have and come out with successful marriages. It can happen for you too! Go to the singles activities, meet people and see what happens. Hopefully you are treated well and not judged harshly. Everyone there has mistakes that they have made too. We all need the Savior's atonement. If some are judgemental, I'm sure that there will be others who will love you for who you are and who you are trying to become.

[Dravin]

I suspect that speaking generally, that Gopecon is right, that you having a child will be a 'con' for young men. That said if the guy looks on your precious child as a 'con"'as a bad thing, you wouldn't want them as potential marriage material anyway. The key is to find someone who doesn't have a problem with it. Back when I was single the whole 'insta-dad' concept didn't bother me and I doubt I'm the only person to have ever existed who held that position. You'll just have to go look for someone you can accept for who they are and where they are and who can likewise do the same for you.

[applepansy]

I think you should go. I don't know how it is in Australia. I live in Utah. My son is 27 next month. He has a 3yo son and they live with us. The YSA ward regularly invite him to activities and he sometimes goes. He has fun and enjoys the time he spends with other YSAs.

Now if we could just get him to go to church.

[lydie15]

I guess you guys are right, it's just something I have to live with as a result of my actions, but to me having my daughter was the best thing that happened to me, as I grew up and woke up to myself and what I was doing and I'm starting to make more mature decisions with everything in my life.

It just makes me feel a little down when you see men in the Church that you would want to date, but they are put back by the thought of me having a 16 month old. But then again, if I were in their position, I might act exactly the same!

Thank you for your advice though, I really do want to start going back to Church. It's definitely on my New Year's Resolution list!

[FunkyTown]

Welcome back! I suspect that most people will love the fact that you're coming back, and you'll have been missed dearly.

That said: Dating with a child is tricky. Can a person you're dating seriously discipline your child? Will the child say "You're not my dad!" when they get older?

There are adjustments and difficulties, times when you won't be able to go out. There will be troubles with getting 'bonding time' during dating.

So: Will this scare off men? Some. Maybe a lot, and that's okay. Basically, ask yourself: "Would I be willing to date a man who was raising a child on his own, who was in the same situation I'm in?"

The same concerns that spring to your mind will be coming to theirs, too. We all have to be equally yoked in a relationship.

[Marko112486]

First congrats on going back to church! I would say not to worry too much. If they are truly men of god then you having a blessing already should not discourage them. It will turn some away but honestly if it was that easy to turn them away why would you want to be with them anyways?

[NeuroTypical]

I'm just worried that the fact of being 18 with a toddler would be a big scare for most young men...

Well, after looking at 'most men', I'd have to say that's a good thing.

From what they tell me, most men would make a pretty bad fit for someone trying to live a good life - with or without a child. Pick any group of unmarried men in the church - you'll see a lot of immaturity, fear of commitment, dinking around online instead of establishing a career, etc.

A good fit for you would seem to be a guy who is mature (or at least quickly maturing), and looking to take a very important and very permanent role in your lives. Guys moving in and out of mom's life wreak havoc on little kids - they start having problems forming deep relationships and bonding - it hurts a kid too much when a father figure just stops coming by - the kid figures it's his/her fault somehow.

Yeah, so when you encounter one of the 'many' - you'll find someone who isn't really equipped to look past your past. I'd be looking for one of the few - someone who understands baggage and regret, someone who gets that people can make mistakes but put them behind her and will still try for a good life.

There aren't many guys like that out there - but they do exist.

[JudoMinja]

It just makes me feel a little down when you see men in the Church that you would want to date, but they are put back by the thought of me having a 16 month old. But then again, if I were in their position, I might act exactly the same!

If they are put-off by the fact that you have a child, then they aren't worth your time anyway! Look at it this way- you're daughter has provided you with the perfect dating filter! It means you won't go out on as many dates sure, but the ones you do go on will be with men who are more likely to be good fathers. You still have to be careful of course. Some guys are a little too gung-ho about the "daddy" concept, and I've met at least one myself. He tried to be "daddy" to my son while I was still going through my divorce and I wouldn't even date him yet.

I am a young-single adult with a toddler, and yes it can be hard at times. You can't be as "fun" as most of the other people your age, because you have had to grow up faster and have more responsibilities. But I do go to my YSA activities and on the occassional date. My pickings are more slim, because some guys shy away from my son and/or are judgmental of my circumstances, but to me- that just means I didn't have to go through the lengthy dating process to figure out they wouldn't have been right for me anyway. :) Eventually, I will find a man who will take me and my son to the temple, who will be a wonderful husband and father. I just have to do my part to look for him, lose myself in the work of bettering myself, serving others, and taking care of my son, and leave the rest in the Lord's hands.

I have a harder time with the social aspect of the activities than I do with feeling judged, because I have a very anti-social personality . Just remember that no matter what others think- it doesn't matter- God loves you for who you are, and your daughter loves you for being her most amazing mother. And sometimes, the "different" circumstances of our lives are exactly what we need to get back on track and draw closer to the Savior- to become stronger better people and overcome the challenges of the world.

You may find someone fast- I have a couple other friends who were single-mom's in the dating pool and are now happily married. Or it may take some time- I've been at it for about a year now since my divorce was finalized and am pretty sure I'll be at it for at least a couple years more. But your worth is not determined by how quickly you find a spouse. :) You can find happiness with your life just the way it is- especially in striving to spend time with and teach and care for your little bundle of joy.

[skippy740]

Another aspect to consider is that you're young with a child. Now, I've got 3 kids, who are with my soon-to-be ex-wife.

If I don't get back with her (now that I have a job that can pay some bills and get myself on some solid footing financially), I wouldn't mind being with someone who is a single parent (depending on the age of the parent and the child). They'll be past that "partying" phase of their life and show much more maturity towards a family life. However, I'm 33 and looking for a more serious aspect in my life than perhaps even a young returned missionary.

I would advise against introducing your child to every brother that you date. Your child doesn't need confusion in that area of their life. When you're getting serious with someone (talking about marriage), THEN you begin doing family outings - like picnics, etc.

[Vort]

If they are put-off by the fact that you have a child, then they aren't worth your time anyway!

That's more than a little harsh, don't you think? A man, especially a young man, can be perfectly honorable and decent, yet still not want to date or marry someone who already has children.

[pam]

That's more than a little harsh, don't you think? A man, especially a young man, can be perfectly honorable and decent, yet still not want to date or marry someone who already has children.

I would totally agree with you except: JudoMinja justified her comment with the rest of the paragraph that you quoted. The child would act as a filter. It would filter out those that aren't interested. That leaves her with those that don't have a problem with it.

I don't think she meant that those that have no interest are not honorable and decent young men. If the idea behind the dating is to find a new spouse, yes dating those that have no interest would be a waste of time.

The same would go if the roles were reversed. A young single father in the dating scene and women not interested in becoming an instant mother.

[JudoMinja]

That's more than a little harsh, don't you think? A man, especially a young man, can be perfectly honorable and decent, yet still not want to date or marry someone who already has children.

Sorry, Vort. I didn't mean it to be harsh. Pam explained what I meant pretty nicely. :)

When we are dating, who we deem "worth our time" is not necessarily the same as deeming someone a "worthwhile person". We are looking for someone to marry- and someone with a child would certainly not want to marry someone who couldn't handle being a parent right away, no matter how good of a person they are. There are plenty of good people out there with good reasons why they wouldn't want to date someone with a child. But it is not worth the time of someone with a child to date such a person.

[En0_0n3]

hey, I know how you feel.

I have actually seen it from both sides of the fence. My ex-wife was a recent convert that had been baptized right before her daughter was born, then after a while went inactive. She came back to church a year or so later and shortly afterwards we met and yes, I have to say that the whole "instant family" thing can throw you a bit, but I did not have an issue and we eventually married. That didn't workout and in the marriage we had a daughter together also, so then I was left me in a similar position to you.

It does make things more difficult, but it makes things better in other ways. like others have said, having a child adds a maturity filter to all your prospective dates so you should end up with someone who is serious in the end.

If you want to chat some time to a fellow Australian hit me up, i'll be happy to impart my few more years of "wisdom" on you.

[Vort]

Sorry, Vort. I didn't mean it to be harsh. Pam explained what I meant pretty nicely. :)

When we are dating, who we deem "worth our time" is not necessarily the same as deeming someone a "worthwhile person". We are looking for someone to marry- and someone with a child would certainly not want to marry someone who couldn't handle being a parent right away, no matter how good of a person they are. There are plenty of good people out there with good reasons why they wouldn't want to date someone with a child. But it is not worth the time of someone with a child to date such a person.

Makes sense. No apology necessary.

[Martain]

If you want to return to being fully active, please do. If you are not yet comfortable in attending a YSA Ward, you can always attend a family ward instead.

There are worthy righteous priesthood holders who have no problem with you already being a mother. That being said, even they will have multiple concerns.

Now if I see a single mother with children I realize there are multiple explinations for how this came to pass.

Perhaps she was married and then her husband died. If so this could be a concern for both she and the child could only be sealed to either him or me but not the both of us.

Perhaps she was married and then she was divorced. If so this could be a concern dependant upon why she was divorced.

Matthew 19:9 And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

Perhaps she was raped but choose to keep the child regardless. Such a selfless act in my mind is very compassionate, forgiving, and charitable and would speak highly of her character.

Perhaps she had the child out of wedlock.

If so, had she taken out her endowments and covenanted to keep the law of Chastity?

If so, had she been a member of the Church who had then broken the law of Chastity?

If so, was she a convert to the Church who had never received the law?

Regardless as to the circumstances, has she truely repented? If so then I can obtain a witness of it through the Spirit. With such a witness I would not consider her any less than those who were still virgins.

Personally I feel that you'll more likely find a righteous priesthood holder (in your age range) who is unflummoxed by your motherhood among those who have very strong and powerful testimonies. Among those who can say "I Know" because they actually truely know.

If this is so, then invariably they will be looking for a daughter of God who has done the work to likewise receive such confirmations.

Pray to the Lord and find out through personal revelation what you must do to become the type of woman who will attract a righteoues son of God who is not afraid of becoming an instant father. If you are not able to receive such revelation then please do what ever it takes to become worthy to receive it.

I too have had a portion of my life where I felt I was being "looked down at" by my peers in church. In my case it simply wasn't so. I wore the glasses of guilt and unrepented sin which lead me to color and interpret everyone else's actions through those fog covered lenses. The truth was, I wasn't being looked down upon, I was simply perceiving everyones actions through the misconception that I was.

[lydie15]

Thanks everyone for your responses, they've really helped build my confidence in going back to Church and feeling confident in being a teen parent there. I went last Sunday, and everyone was happy to see me there and loved having my daughter there too! :)

Perhaps she had the child out of wedlock.

If so, had she taken out her endowments and covenanted to keep the law of Chastity?

If so, had she been a member of the Church who had then broken the law of Chastity?

If so, was she a convert to the Church who had never received the law?

Regardless as to the circumstances, has she truely repented? If so then I can obtain a witness of it through the Spirit. With such a witness I would not consider her any less than those who were still virgins.

This is where I'm scared that alot of people will, 'look down' on me. I'm 18, and I fell pregnant when I was only 16, while I was going through a stage where I didn't know what I really wanted etc. usual teenage stuff, except I got a bit lost.

Since I've had my daughter I've slowly come to terms with what's happened and how I was acting and how I usually would not agree with that sort of behaviour... which brought me back to the Church. If I go through the repentance process (talking to the Bishop etc., I've already prayed for forgiveness but I will continue to do so), it would probably help prove to everyone that I've stopped the behaviour from my past and I'm following the Gospel and its teachings again.

Still, in the back of their heads, they could still be thinking, 'she's still broken the law of chastity willingly in the past etc.' when they could always choose to date someone of the same age that hasn't broken the law of chastity & doesn't have a child?

Personally I feel that you'll more likely find a righteous priesthood holder (in your age range) who is unflummoxed by your motherhood among those who have very strong and powerful testimonies. Among those who can say "I Know" because they actually truely know.

If this is so, then invariably they will be looking for a daughter of God who has done the work to likewise receive such confirmations.

This is true, and I'm thankful that you mentioned this to me, because I never really thought of it that way. And the perfect partner to find is someone with a very strong testimony of the Church.

[Bini]

Hey Lydie. Don't worry about what others think or even say. Easier said than done, I know but you can't change how others act towards you. For me personally, I wouldn't go into any ward with the mindset of "dating". Go for yourself and focus on building your own testimony, and with time, you'll meet someone that truly appreciates you for you.

[lydie15]

Thank you for your advice, you're right, I shouldn't be worrying about what others think of me, and I shouldn't have the mindset of dating. At the moment, I'm actually quite happy where I am as it's the first time I've been independant and single, so I feel as if I'm just starting to realise who I am and strengthening my relationship with my Heavenly Father, learning independence, and learning & trying to a better person towards others and myself is my first priority at the moment! :)

[RescueMom]

Lydie

Just remember...look for a Joseph. He married a single un-wed teenage mom too. ;-) Not all men are cut out to be a Joseph...and that is fine...but you want a Joseph for you and your child.

Some people might look down on you...and you can't change that. You don't want to date those men anyway.

You must also look for men who aren't just out looking for a single mom with a child for other very bad reasons...I am sorry to say there are evil men out there like that, targeting women with small children to abuse the kids.

So yes filter filter filter, for both you and your child. You are young and have time, the right man will show up.

And welcome back.

[Vort]

Just remember...look for a Joseph. He married a single un-wed teenage mom too. ;-)

Not to be pedantic, but (here comes the pedantry) Mary was not an unwed mother. That is a false tradition. Mary and Joseph were legally married at the time Mary became pregnant -- hence Joseph's thought to "put her away [divorce her] privily".

[Jennarator]

Not to be pedantic, but (here comes the pedantry) Mary was not an unwed mother. That is a false tradition. Mary and Joseph were legally married at the time Mary became pregnant -- hence Joseph's thought to "put her away [divorce her] privily".

Wait, if they were married, was she a virgin? I am now confused.....

[Shelly200]

Vort/Jennarator: I believe (?) Mary and Joseph were married, but not living together yet. The ancient Jews had a longer process of being fully married than we do today. Today, we'd probably consider them to have been "engaed"... promised to each other, but not living together/having sex/fully finished the covenant yet.

[applepansy]

Wait, if they were married, was she a virgin? I am now confused.....

Yes she was a virgin. Joseph was commanded by the angel to not "know" her until after the child was born.

[Vort]

Vort/Jennarator: I believe (?) Mary and Joseph were married, but not living together yet. The ancient Jews had a longer process of being fully married than we do today. Today, we'd probably consider them to have been "engaed"... promised to each other, but not living together/having sex/fully finished the covenant yet.

They were indeed "fully married". They had not yet begun cohabitating, it is true; Joseph had not yet "known" Mary (a Hebrew euphemism for having sex with her), and as the Bible says, he did not "know" her until after she had given birth to Jesus. So yes, she was a virgin. But had Joseph and Mary engaged in sexual relations, there would have been no religious punishment associated with it, nor any formal public shame. They were married, husband and wife, as the Biblical account makes clear (e.g. "...to be taxed with Mary his espoused wife...").

Ancient Hebrew social customs differed from ours, obviously; Joseph and Mary had not yet (in modern terms) consummated their marriage. But make no mistake, they were fully, 100% married. Joseph contemplated divorcing Mary for her assumed fornication; obviously, no divorce is necessary when a couple is merely engaged.