Single parent dating in YSA?


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Vort- Well... yes, exactly. I was simply comparing their practices to today. Today, if a man and a woman are married, then they live together and have sex from day 1 (unless there are weird circumstances involved); but if they are engaged, then it's acceptable for them to not be living together or having sex yet. In today's world, if a man and a woman are married (signed the legal papers and had their religious ceremony) and they WEREN'T living together and acting as a married couple... then we'd think there was something wrong happening there.

So, to make a modern comparison, I would say that they were, in a modern sense, "engaged" in the fact that they were exclusive to each other, but not cohabitating and having relations and living as man and wife.

But, yes, according to ancient Jewish custom they were fully married.

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Vort- Well... yes, exactly. I was simply comparing their practices to today. Today, if a man and a woman are married, then they live together and have sex from day 1 (unless there are weird circumstances involved); but if they are engaged, then it's acceptable for them to not be living together or having sex yet. In today's world, if a man and a woman are married (signed the legal papers and had their religious ceremony) and they WEREN'T living together and acting as a married couple... then we'd think there was something wrong happening there.

So, to make a modern comparison, I would say that they were, in a modern sense, "engaged" in the fact that they were exclusive to each other, but not cohabitating and having relations and living as man and wife.

But, yes, according to ancient Jewish custom they were fully married.

The difference I perceive is that an engaged couple is fornicating if they have sex. They are committing a grave evil with very heavy consequences. Such an action would defile them and pollute their intended marriage.

On the contrary, the married state of Joseph and Mary precluded any such thing. They were perfectly free in a moral and religious sense to engage in sexual relations; they simply had not yet done so, for societal reasons.

To my mind, this is a vitally important distinction. Mary was absolutely not merely "engaged" to Joseph. They were husband and wife in every legal and moral sense, even if their marriage had not yet been consummated.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I had a failed marriage at a young age. I was 24 and found myself divorced with 4 young children, who for safety reasons do not have a father involved.

I spent a few years alone, which was ok with me. It gave me a chance to get to know me, who I was, who I wanted in a mate.. and what I didn't want. I focused on my children, my education...and just being me. I remember a few years after my divorce chatting with a close friend and telling him that I had accepted the fact that since I had so many small children that needed me and I felt that it would be too difficult to date, that I would probably need to wait until my kids were much older until I would be free to do any kind of dating.

Four months later I met my amazing husband. He also has 4 children from his previous marriage. When he first asked if I'd like to go out for dinner sometime, I remember thinking this guy is NUTS. Together we'd have EIGHT children. But his sense of humour, and the promise of a child free night and a free supper won me over. I had a great time, I went into it as 2 adults with something in common and nothing more. Best thing I ever did.

My years as a child care provider running an at home day care certainly paid off when we got married, had our 8 children all together under one roof & then added 2 more children to the mix. My situation of having a fairly large family is unusual, ditto his (especially a father having custody) we understood where the other was coming from. I've never regretted it, in 16 more days we'll celebrate our 3rd anniversary... he is the best thing that ever happened to me.

My advice would be to take your time, don't rush into dating. Most men your age are either on their mission or preparing for their mission anyway. Work on yourself before worrying about finding a mate, you have a beautiful child to focus on, that's first and foremost. It may take a lot of time, but the rest will fall into place.

I wanted to add: By all means go out to the YSA activities. Enjoy yourself. Every parent deserves to have a break. You might make some great friends.

Edited by IamMe
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  • 4 weeks later...

That's so inspirational. That is awesome that you could raise 4 children by yourself, as well as find someone, and then having 8 and another 2 after to look after together is amazing. The perspective you had of not focusing on yourself but on your children is right, and it sounds like you recieved some amazing blessings from it.

Over the past few months I've realised that I don't need to focus on dating, but moreso on my daughter and education and figuring out who I want to be as a person. I'm still going to YSA activities, but I'm not planning on rushing into anything.

Thank you for sharing your story, it's really helped me realise that I'm not the only one that's been through the same thing. :)

Edited by lydie15
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Don't forget tho that you need and deserve a break too. YSA activities don't have to be about finding a spouse. I know that they're often looked at as a meat market, but there's no reason you can't go just for a night off. Given some of the alternatives out there, I would think a YSA activity would be a good activity.

I remember somewhere being told to work on making yourself the best spouse for your future partner, and that is so true. Had I not had the experiences I did while a single parent, I wouldn't have been who I am for my husband.

Things can and WILL work out. It just may not be in your time frame.

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The fact is, getting pregnant at 16 is definitely not normal, and it really is a big deal. I think you're right to expect that some people are going to treat you differently because of it. That being said, I don't think you should let it keep you from going back to church and fully becoming involved again. I let some pretty serious sins keep me from returning to the church for a long, long time. While talking things through with the Bishop he told me something that I've always remembered: "The Church is not a club for perfect people. It's a hospital, and we're all sick".

I had a friend years ago in a similar situation to yours. She was having a hard time, and couldn't understand how a worthy priesthood holder could ever look past what she had done and accept her for who she is. I told her the same thing I would tell you: If he can't, then he's not a worthy priesthood holder.

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I had a friend years ago in a similar situation to yours. She was having a hard time, and couldn't understand how a worthy priesthood holder could ever look past what she had done and accept her for who she is. I told her the same thing I would tell you: If he can't, then he's not a worthy priesthood holder.

Agreed IF http://www.lds.net/forums/637380-post11.html'> this is excluded. Otherwise, I completely agree that if a man or woman can't see past a sin that has been repented of, it's on him/her. But with the above statement, there should be some clarification.

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I had a friend years ago in a similar situation to yours. She was having a hard time, and couldn't understand how a worthy priesthood holder could ever look past what she had done and accept her for who she is. I told her the same thing I would tell you: If he can't, then he's not a worthy priesthood holder.

You are in no position to make that judgment. A man can refuse to marry a woman for any old reason he chooses. Maybe he thinks she's too tall, or too fat, or too blonde. Maybe he thinks she's too rich, or too girly, or too tomboyish. Maybe he doesn't like her teeth or her fashion sense. Maybe he doesn't like her family. Or maybe he doesn't like that she is not a virgin. Any or all of these reasons might be petty, but they do not in and of themselves make him an unworthy Priesthood holder. That's pure claptrap.

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You are in no position to make that judgment. A man can refuse to marry a woman for any old reason he chooses. Maybe he thinks she's too tall, or too fat, or too blonde. Maybe he thinks she's too rich, or too girly, or too tomboyish. Maybe he doesn't like her teeth or her fashion sense. Maybe he doesn't like her family. Or maybe he doesn't like that she is not a virgin. Any or all of these reasons might be petty, but they do not in and of themselves make him an unworthy Priesthood holder. That's pure claptrap.

That's right, only God get's to make that judgement. And when you stand before him and explain that you just couldn't forgive that girl for a sin she had committed in the past, that you just couldn't let go of it... What is he going to say? "I love the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but if you it is REQUIRED to forgive ALL men".

Last time I checked, the principle of forgiveness was kind of important...

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That's right, only God get's to make that judgement. And when you stand before him and explain that you just couldn't forgive that girl for a sin she had committed in the past, that you just couldn't let go of it... What is he going to say? "I love the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but if you it is REQUIRED to forgive ALL men".

Last time I checked, the principle of forgiveness was kind of important...

It's not a matter of forgiving her. You don't have to marry her to forgive her.

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Why would he need to forgive her?

Her transgression was prior to him, had nothing to do with him. It's not like she cheated on him. There's nothing on his part to forgive as far as I'm concerned. Her transgression is between her, the bishop & God. The only thing that should matter to a potential spouse is, has she completed the repentance process so that she can be temple worthy.

While in the dating process, he's going to know about her child, and should it come to the stage where marriage is on the table, then raising her child as his own would need to become a factor in his considering her as an eternal partner. Package deal.

As another has pointed out, any guy can choose to not continue in the dating game with someone because their too fat, too skinny, blonde brunette, have a child etc.

I would never ask a potential spouse to forgive me for being blonde, this is me, this is who I am, accept it or I'm not the one for you.

Edited by IamMe
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  • 1 month later...

Hey,

I was just wondering, what is the perspective and thoughts of other YSA people in the Church of young fathers/mothers who are single/dating?

I went through a rough patch for a few years a couple of years ago where I didn't attend Church and got pregnant at 16, I'm now 18 with a 16 month old... I have come back to Church occassionally (I want to return to being fully active) and the reason why I haven't attended any YSA events is that I don't know ANYONE within the Church (in Australia) who has gone through the same things I have in the past few years, and I feel as if I'm being, so to say "looked down at" by the other YSA people.

I would love to start going to YSA events, I'm just worried that the fact of being 18 with a toddler would be a big scare for most young men...

Anyways, what's your opinion? Do you think this is true?

hi! im joanne i just came across this n woah! didnt think there was anyone else in my position! lols im also from australia, which part are you from?and i know exactly how u feel.im 19 with a one year old n im soo struggling with dating, coz honestly it seems that every guy i meet, as soon as he finds out i have a baby, boom! i dont hear from him again:/ but it could just be that i pick the wrong ones haha i dunno:( but it would be good to talk with u il add u on this thing( new to this so i dont get it much haha) sorry that i didnt answer ur question, but im just amazed, coz i dont know anyone else in our possition! lols

Edited by joanne_laylah
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That's right, only God get's to make that judgement. And when you stand before him and explain that you just couldn't forgive that girl for a sin she had committed in the past, that you just couldn't let go of it... What is he going to say? "I love the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but if you it is REQUIRED to forgive ALL men".

Last time I checked, the principle of forgiveness was kind of important...

lol funny memory here. I was going with a guy I really, really liked. We were talking one time and he mentioned my teeth. Ok I was a bit stunned and asked what was wrong with my teeth. Oh ya the front two teeth had a slight space between them which was hereditary. I suppose it would be 'fixed' now. Never in my life had I ever considered them a fault. At that point I was a bit insulted but realised that a person who looked at me and saw a small space between my teeth was not a person I wanted to be with at all.

So ya. If there is anything they cant 'not see' then its a problem.

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  • 2 weeks later...
If a person can’t see past the outward appearance of the beautiful person inside then it may be a warning flag about that person’s character. I knew a man who married a woman because of her beautiful singing voice and flirtatious personality. After a few months, he told her that she needed her teeth fixed, because she could eat apples through a picket. He was sincere with his remark and didn’t want to hurt her, but his lack of tactfulness devastated her tender feelings. She didn’t want him to know how badly he had hurt her, so she fluffed it off as his lack of good upbringing and made a joke out of his knobby knees. Well, you guessed it, after a few years of marriage and several children, tolerating the cutting jabs gradually led to a genuine belief that they shouldn’t have gotten married. One mate began to look for reasons to look around and to allow the justification of unfaithful thoughts to interfere with what may have been a time for learning more of the sensitive process of how to love and feel love. There is much more to this all too common scenario, but the main idea is that once contention entered into their marriage, it was easy for the Adversary to help one of the partners make a wrong choice.
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That's right, only God get's to make that judgement. And when you stand before him and explain that you just couldn't forgive that girl for a sin she had committed in the past, that you just couldn't let go of it... What is he going to say? "I love the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but if you it is REQUIRED to forgive ALL men".

Last time I checked, the principle of forgiveness was kind of important...

It's not a matter of forgiving her. You don't have to marry her to forgive her.

I know it's been awhile since this was posted, and the original poster Vort was responding to is no longer with us, but I just want to expound on this, because I've seen this thought process far too many times- and was once plagued by it myself.

Vort has identified a very important distinction that many of us seem to lapse over when considering our relationships with people. As human beings, we have a strong tendancy to generalize things. It helps us make connections between things that are related and have an affect on one another- a very useful ability we don't even realize we use at times. But, it can also lead to overgeneralizations, where we make connections where there are none.

When we link forgiveness to how we respond to a relationship, we are overgeneralizing. It can lead to all kinds of problems. You can forgive someone and still have a desire not to interact with them. The two don't have to go together. If someone steals from you, do you give them an opportunity to steal from you again? No! But you still have to forgive them. If someone commits adultery, do you have to trust them? No! But you still have to forgive them. If someone hits you, do you stick around so they can hit you again? No! But you still have to forgive them. Clearly, our decisions about our relationships, who we allow in our lives and how we interact with them is NOT connected to our ability or willingness to forgive. But we subconsciously make that connection all the time.

When we make decisions about how to interact with an individual based on our understanding of their flaws, weaknesses, and mistakes- we are not being unforgiving- we are simply using sound, wise judgement. But wait! We aren't supposed to judge, right? We aren't supposed to judge THE PERSON. THAT is what forgiveness is about. We withhold making any sort of judgement about the person, their sincerity, their repentance, their soul- because it isn't our place to do that. We can't see inside their hearts and know what they are about- so we must keep ourselves open and understanding enough to be forgiving of everyone. But we CAN and SHOULD use our judgement to determine who and what we will allow to have an influence on our lives. That is something entirely separate from forgiveness.

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  • 1 month later...

I would say don't go for the younger men... those are the ones who would most definitely be scared and put off from dating you

since you have a child already maybe try looking for older men like age 26.27,28...

Those are probably old enough to want a family and are able to support you finianciaLLY

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I agree with what you say, it's so true to go for the older guys. The only problem in my area is that I only know the younger people who are around my age, and they're all getting prepared for missions, going on one etc. But all the older men who are back from their missions are surrounded by 5342374809 women who are the same age, and I don't know any of them so I can't be introduced etc. I only really know the people around the same age as me... so it's sort of hard to get to know the older ones when they're in a slightly different social group etc. :(

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You're only 18 (at least if I read that right), that also can scare off the older, RM guys. Just be patient and keep participating in the church/institute activities. A real man will eventually notice you, see you for who you really are, and he wont find anything negative about how you have a child.

I write this because that's honestly how I would feel if I met a girl who was living the churchs standards just like any other LDS girl. I've committed sins in my past that were pretty serious, so I have no reason to judge someone else. Kinda like that Charlie movie I guess...!

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You are so right, thank you. I am definitely in no rush to get into a serious relationship right now, as in my opinion I still have a lot of personal spiritual growth to be done before I can be in one. I want to have a lot more knowledge of the Gospel than what I have already (which is behind a little bit as I was inactive for 2 years, but Institute is definitely helping me with learning more about the Gospel, I've learnt at least one new thing every week!).

I just feel that even if I get to that point where I'm ready to be in a serious relationship that others may choose me as second best as I've already had a child etc. But I guess all I can do is be patient and trust that everything will turn out okay. :)

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