Giving too much value to "man"


The_Warrior
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I have a real problem in that I both take to heart people's negative attitudes towards me & I seek praise for earthly accomplishments. The former issue is simple but very difficult to combat even when I am aware of it. As a security guard (in a high income area) I frequently deal with people who seem like they never have good days; in the worst case, they think I am dirt. If I get treated bad by one person, then my day and the next few days I feel horrible. I take it home, dish it out, and I feel bad the next few days. Sometimes all it takes is one person being excruciatingly rude to me and (being at work) feel as if I am corking a rage so hot that my heart would burst from the stress.

It happens maybe once every other month but it is debilitating. Only recently have I connected the two: I want to join the military but when I envision my self there I see many people patting me on the back, praising me. I think I have the potential to be a victim of pride - not implying that I am not already - but it will only get worse. I don't want to seem like I just want to go to war and get medals, but hey - it's on my to do list...

Does anyone have any insights on this? I doubt this is normal and natural given the way I was raised. I come from an abusive household and to top it off I was HOMESCHOOLED (Grrrrr :mad: ), I am very sheltered and social skills are always lacking. I have been told I have the personality of a rock & I have a VERY tight comfort bubble.

I've known my in-laws for 5 years and I STILL cannot fathom their desire to hug each other and myself (I do it out of respect but there is extreme discomfort - even a feeling 'gay' -ness)

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Only recently have I connected the two: I want to join the military but when I envision my self there I see many people patting me on the back, praising me. I think I have the potential to be a victim of pride - not implying that I am not already - but it will only get worse

You might want to be worried about the former of your problems, at least initially. They won't be patting you on the back, but kicking you in the butt.

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I agree the military isn't a place of praise. From what I understand the idea behind most of it is to break the person down so they can build them up as a cohesive group. Given what you have said I'm not sure you would survive the first part.

I would suggest counseling. I know that coming from a critical background can make a person very dependent on positive reinforcement (comments and praise from others). It's called emotional abuse and overcoming it is as real as dealing with physical abuse.

I deal with some of this myself. My father was very critical of everyone around him. I learned to very negatively self talk. I used to make mistakes and I could hear him in the back of my head telling me how stupid I am for doing that. I never learned to say I did a good job or I was good at something or it was ok to make a mistake. I depend on others for that. I'm getting better at being proud of myself but it's hard. I don't hear his voice anymore. I am still very self conscious of a lot of things and fear making mistakes. It holds me back from a lot. My biggest focus right now is letting myself believe ppl. I have such a negative self talk that it's hard to accept when someone says I did a good job. I'm learning to believe them and let myself say good job to myself instead of brushing them off as "just being polite".

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You might want to be worried about the former of your problems, at least initially. They won't be patting you on the back, but kicking you in the butt.

Please listen to Tyler in this. If your problem is that you crave approval from others, joining the military won't help.

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I swear it would give me great pleasure to slap some parents up the side of their heads. Warrior, military would make the problems you have now dealing with negativity a lot worse. You are already in a 'militaristic' kind of job as it is and it is not doing you any favors.

Have you ever taken any classes on anger management? They may well have some good ideas for you.

Gwen, it surprises me that you have such negative feelings for yourself. You come across as a caring, smart person. I have a feeling that is exactly the person you are.

Oh and about hugs. I detest them. Every time anyone, besides my husband, wants to do the hug thing it makes me cringe but i do grit my teeth and endure if they need one. To me hugs are very personal and it just seems odd that people want to go hugging people they arent intimate with.

Of course that does not apply to kids unless they dont like them either.

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Sometimes all it takes is one person being excruciatingly rude to me and (being at work) feel as if I am corking a rage so hot that my heart would burst from the stress.

It happens maybe once every other month but it is debilitating.

So, feeling this way every now and then is normal. Feeling this way to the extent you describe, where it's impacting your life and the people in it, yeah, that is not normal. There's something wrong with your ability to process and react to the dumb stuff people say. I second the advice - go talk to a professional.

I come from an abusive household and to top it off I was HOMESCHOOLED (Grrrrr :mad: ), I am very sheltered and social skills are always lacking.

I'm just guessing here, but it seems like unpacking the issues from your childhood and having a clear look at them, might be the good first step that a counselor would recommend.

Abuse exists in homeschooled circles the same way abuse exists in all other circles - public educucated, private schooled, or what have you. Your experience with your family doesn't sound like the average homeschooled kid's experience. It certainly doesn't reflect my kid's homeschooling experience...

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I remember my old bishop say that pride is the hardest thing to over come because you can work on it and work on it, and then when you think you have made progress you are so proud of yourself. :D Actually I personally don't think that kind of pride is the 'bad' kind. Anyway...

I agree with the others who suggest counseling. And I have no experience with the military, but I have seen documentaries about boot camp and it does not look like fun. One of my coworkers was a drill sergeant in the marines and he told me that it did not matter how much a recruit wanted to please or do the right thing they would get picked at and yelled at, even more the harder they tried, because it wasn't about doing the right thing, it was about 'tearing them down'. I could not survive that. I know it.

Really research your options. And get some counseling, it could really help!

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You also have a serious problem with an adorable baby in your avatar pic. SO totally cute.

I agree that if this is impacting your life so much that you need to find ways to understand it and beat it. Pretty much everyone has ways they think that aren't very constructive. It can take a trained professional to point these out sometimes and give us tools to correct them. I'm not talking about going to years of therapy. I'm talking about talking to a psychologist, having a plan of action, and going for it.

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Gwen, it surprises me that you have such negative feelings for yourself. You come across as a caring, smart person. I have a feeling that is exactly the person you are.

I don't take others comments as personally as I used to. I usually know when to laugh and say "they are just stupid" and let it go. lol (forum participation helps a lot with that lol) However, my personal self talk could be better and I tend to rely on outside feedback to counter it.

And thank you, I like to think that's who I am too.

Abuse exists in homeschooled circles the same way abuse exists in all other circles - public educucated, private schooled, or what have you. Your experience with your family doesn't sound like the average homeschooled kid's experience. It certainly doesn't reflect my kid's homeschooling experience...

I took the home schooled comment as saying there was no escape from the abuse rather than abuse being a characteristic of home schooling. But maybe I didn't understand the meaning behind it.
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I don't take others comments as personally as I used to. I usually know when to laugh and say "they are just stupid" and let it go. lol (forum participation helps a lot with that lol) However, my personal self talk could be better and I tend to rely on outside feedback to counter it.

I have also found participating in this forum has helped me work on taking critisim personally. It still sucks to be 'attacked', but I am getting better at saying it doesn't really matter what soanso thinks about me. :D

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Abuse exists in homeschooled circles the same way abuse exists in all other circles - public educucated, private schooled, or what have you. Your experience with your family doesn't sound like the average homeschooled kid's experience. It certainly doesn't reflect my kid's homeschooling experience...

Nor mine. And if they said it did, I would beat them until their attitude improved.

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hmmmm. I am thinking that particular humor is not going to be taken very well by the OP.

Homeschooling is a very difficult thing to get right. We home schooled our kids for a few years but only because we had to. I hated it. I have nothing but respect for teachers doing that day in and day out and have trouble seeing how anyone would want to do it themselves. I can see why but not how they would want to. Congrats to the parents who pull it off and stay sane and keep the kids sane as well.

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Firstly, as far as homeschooling went; during my last year of Elementary school the columbine massacre happened. My parents were irked by this and were already considering home-schooling; after a semester into my freshman year of high-school 9-11 happened - everyone was in a stir including faculty and students. In the climate of the times I made a childish comment about "offing myself with an uzi" in total and complete jest; one student did not find it funny. It was reported and I was given a three day out of school suspension. My father was furious almost at the school as much as he was at me. My dad took this as an excuse to pull me out of school - more so to prove a point to the school district than for my "benefit." Both my parents worked graveyard and slept during the day... I was a maid; I cooked, cleaned and did laundry for almost 5 years for everyone. Quite frankly, one day my dad said I was going to take the GED; I studied for two weeks (out of 5 years) and passed the test. My dad physically abused and put my mom in the hospital several times. He was never really PHYSICALLY abusive to us kids; we submitted and avoided brute force. I ran away after turning 18 and then struggled with homosexuality for a couple years; eventually cheating on my male partner with a female out of curiosity and then liking the switch. I hate that my youth was denied to me with fury immeasurable from my whole race through Adam on down.

Sorry for the long rant... moving on: I thought about getting counseling, but I am choosing the military as a career choice for me and my family. In one year I get my Poly Sci degree and I intend to go in as an officer. Having any type of "therapy" or "counseling" will hurt my chances in joining.

Thank you for ALL of your comments.. I guess I need to reconsider getting help; this seems so minor really - only in the heat of it does it get to me... when it does, it lasts for days and my wife loathes it.

Edited by The_Warrior
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As an officer you do go in a different way than as a grunt. I dont even know if officers do boot camp. Do they?

If you take an anger management class does that count against you? Maybe just a class to understand anger as a management tool in the military? At least as far as they know?

Your anger in life is going to cause you problems. Even more than it has already. Have you ever abused your wife? Honestly? I bet you dont want to. Better to take proactive measures now rather than later.

I will never understand the militaries attitude to seeking mental health care. It is not only a useless idea its dangerous and you do not need dangerous. Not when you are going into a profession that requires control in order to keep people under your command and who you may see as the enemy safe.

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Well, it seems like you've made up your mind then. Good luck with your military goals - I sincerely wish you the best.

corking a rage so hot that my heart would burst from the stress

...

I have a VERY tight comfort bubble

...

I hate that my youth was denied to me with fury immeasurable from my whole race through Adam on down.

The military has ways of surfacing issues like this - here's hoping you come out on the other end, more able to control this stuff.
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The military does teach disciple. Maybe that can aid in the anger management.

It might assuming he can get that far. Military training is stressful by design as part of the rebuild you anew paradigm and the fact that while they can't throw you into real combat they can stress you to see if you react appropriately when stressed. The big question is if the stress that is part of the program will be something he can handle or not.

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It might assuming he can get that far. Military training is stressful by design as part of the rebuild you anew paradigm and the fact that while they can't throw you into real combat they can stress you to see if you react appropriately when stressed. The big question is if the stress that is part of the program will be something he can handle or not.

I was thinking the same thing. The military has a way of finding the people they dont feel will work out in real combat. Or at least they try. Obviously, they are not always successful.

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One of my best buddies is in the military. Trust me, it does not inflate your ego, it does not make you feel 'more of a man' (or female in her case), without going into details overseas she has seen some horrific things and humans at their worse, including, witnessing some close friends commiting suicide abroad and having to search for their remains!

We have some guy friends who like to dress in military outfits and always talk about joining the reserves. She always rolls her eyes and wishes they only knew that the military shouldn't be put up on such a pedestal. Her desire is to secure a position at a job that will give her an equal salary to what she is getting now.

She wants out. On the social side, if you are not confident or socially equipt you will get BULLIED A TON. She is loud and bubbly, I can only imagine being quite or not communicating well will make you be seen as 'weak' and taken advantage of.

Long story short, there are many better occupations and groups that can give you a sense of community and accomplishment.

I only think this would do you more harm then good.

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I'm surprised you are focusing on "anger..." I'm not really angry I feel that I am ..well.. a "wussy." I just stand there (at work) and take the punishment, then go home and close myself off to the world. When I am upset I weep in the shower and push everyone away from me; my boys & my wife as well.

Whenever my wife asks what's wrong I tell her to "shut up" and "mind her own business" even though I know darn well I'm bringing it home and making it her business... I get mad at her for net letting me retreat into my solitary state... My anger is internal and it's not really hindering me as much as my response to it is.

The issue I meant to bring up by this board is that I take complete strangers' views of myself as the definition of my self esteem. If I get a rash of compliments then I feel hyper-inflated; Pride. I get one person telling me I am dirt, then I value myself as such. Thing is, it only takes ONE negative comment to work, and 100 good comments to counteract that.... I'm a wuss - I have a mustache and wear a uniform and at times I feel like a paper dragon. Does that make sense at all?

Edited by The_Warrior
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I'm surprised you are focusing on "anger..." I'm not really angry I feel that I am ..well.. a "wussy." I just stand there (at work) and take the punishment, then go home and close myself off to the world. When I am upset I weep in the shower and push everyone away from me; my boys & my wife as well.

Whenever my wife asks what's wrong I tell her to "shut up" and "mind her own business" even though I know darn well I'm bringing it home and making it her business... I get mad at her for net letting me retreat into my solitary state... My anger is internal and it's not really hindering me as much as my response to it is.

The issue I meant to bring up by this board is that I take complete strangers' views of myself as the definition of my self esteem. If I get a rash of compliments then I feel hyper-inflated; Pride. I get one person telling me I am dirt, then I value myself as such. Thing is, it only takes ONE negative comment to work, and 100 good comments to counteract that.... I'm a wuss - I have a mustache and wear a uniform and at times I feel like a paper dragon. Does that make sense at all?

I hate to say this again to you if you have your heart set on it but if this is the case the military is NOT for you! They will tear you down and make you feel like the scum of the universe!

As a side note- sounds like you go into your 'mancave' alot- I think life would be alot nicer for your wife if you realize she is not the problem, it is you, if you had a bad day, and want alone time, that is fine, but do not hurt her in the process. Saying, I had a crap day I dont want to talk about it and need some alone time goes a long long way..

Sounds like you need something in your life to stabilize that your self worth comes from inside of you not just outside forces. There is nothing wrong with lapping up a complement, but this shouldn't be your crowning glory for an accomplishment.

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I'm surprised you are focusing on "anger..." I'm not really angry I feel that I am ..well.. a "wussy." I just stand there (at work) and take the punishment, then go home and close myself off to the world. When I am upset I weep in the shower and push everyone away from me; my boys & my wife as well.

Whenever my wife asks what's wrong I tell her to "shut up" and "mind her own business" even though I know darn well I'm bringing it home and making it her business... I get mad at her for net letting me retreat into my solitary state... My anger is internal and it's not really hindering me as much as my response to it is.

The issue I meant to bring up by this board is that I take complete strangers' views of myself as the definition of my self esteem. If I get a rash of compliments then I feel hyper-inflated; Pride. I get one person telling me I am dirt, then I value myself as such. Thing is, it only takes ONE negative comment to work, and 100 good comments to counteract that.... I'm a wuss - I have a mustache and wear a uniform and at times I feel like a paper dragon. Does that make sense at all?

It all makes sense and that is why we are talking about anger. Internalizing anger is not a good thing. That is not dealing with it. Trust me. Most people do have issues with internalizing anger but they do not have as much an issue with it generally.

Internalizing it is why you have the outbreaks of fury. Yes your issues of self esteem are a big part of that. Do you feel no one will understand? Do you feel you are not worthy of their understanding? Do you want to protect your wife from yourself or do you want to protect yourself by not opening up to her or anyone else about it? These are questions you need to ask yourself and seeking counsel is a good way to do that. In fact I suspect that is why you are bringing it here so you can get feedback.

No doubt a lot is rooted in your family background and raising but you are now a man and in a better place to deal with all that garbage. You are in a safe place.

Your wife seems to be trying to help. Maybe you could give her that chance. Trust her if you can. She is your best source if she is up to it.

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