broken hearted after husband's infidelity


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I'm in my late 20's and I've been married for 8 yrs and have 4 children. My husband and I are sealed in the temple. We have been together since i was 17. I have done everything right I could the last 8 years and been completely active in church. Because of that the news of my husbands affairs have been extremely hard to bear. About a month ago I found out my husband has been cheating on me for 3 yrs. I am completely devastated and was totally blindsided by it. For the time being we have decided not to talk to anyone about it. I desperately need some support and I guess that's why I joined the site. I have never done the whole forum thing before.

I found out something was wrong because he left his email up and there were pictures of women. When I confronted him he came clean. There have been multiple offenses, emotional and physical (including having sex more than once). And he said he wanted to tell me before but didn't know how and didn't want me to leave him. The last affair was just emotional and someone he met on the ps3. It had been going on for a few months though and only ended after i confronted him. I took him back because I still love him and think that divorce is the worst possible thing I could ever do to my kids. (This is my opinion) We are trying to make it work and even though he has destroyed my life and broken my heart he is a good father. What is the likelihood for excommunication in this situation?? This is a huge question for us. Especially considering the fact that his testimony is shaky at this point.

We haven't told anyone anything about what is going on. Our eldest daughter is supposed to get baptized in a few months and I suppose that's when everything will come out. I don't know how things will go down though. What would happen if he did decide to go through with baptizing her even though he is unworthy?? I don't feel it's my place to go to the bishop for him but if I don't and he does perform her baptism am I committing a sin?? Things may come out before then, i don't now and I don't think I would let him do that, our daughter deserves better, but it's just a question I have. Right now I can only take it a day at a time. I can't look to the future anymore cause I don't know what even the next day holds.

I guess I'm searching for some answers to my questions but also any words of encouragement I could find as well. If I didn't have to think of my kids I would prolly leave but that fact that he is the love of my life makes it easier to stay. We haven't gone to the bishop yet and I guess it's just cause we don't want people to know. It's no one's business and our families will found out if we go to the bishop because he won't be able to perform any priesthood ordinances or go to the temple. I wish there was a way we could go through the whole process without everyone finding out. I don't want my family to hate him but I know what I used to think of cheaters and it isn't kindly.

I'm already a fragile, broken mess so please don't respond if you can't be kind. You may not agree with what I have decided or the questions I have but there is no need to be unkind. My whole world has been turned upside down in an instant! That's being said, please help!

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I'm in my late 20's and I've been married for 8 yrs and have 4 children. My husband and I are sealed in the temple. We have been together since i was 17. I have done everything right I could the last 8 years and been completely active in church. Because of that the news of my husbands affairs have been extremely hard to bear. About a month ago I found out my husband has been cheating on me for 3 yrs. I am completely devastated and was totally blindsided by it. For the time being we have decided not to talk to anyone about it. I desperately need some support and I guess that's why I joined the site. I have never done the whole forum thing before.

I found out something was wrong because he left his email up and there were pictures of women. When I confronted him he came clean. There have been multiple offenses, emotional and physical (including having sex more than once). And he said he wanted to tell me before but didn't know how and didn't want me to leave him. The last affair was just emotional and someone he met on the ps3. It had been going on for a few months though and only ended after i confronted him. I took him back because I still love him and think that divorce is the worst possible thing I could ever do to my kids. (This is my opinion) We are trying to make it work and even though he has destroyed my life and broken my heart he is a good father. What is the likelihood for excommunication in this situation?? This is a huge question for us. Especially considering the fact that his testimony is shaky at this point.

We haven't told anyone anything about what is going on. Our eldest daughter is supposed to get baptized in a few months and I suppose that's when everything will come out. I don't know how things will go down though. What would happen if he did decide to go through with baptizing her even though he is unworthy?? I don't feel it's my place to go to the bishop for him but if I don't and he does perform her baptism am I committing a sin?? Things may come out before then, i don't now and I don't think I would let him do that, our daughter deserves better, but it's just a question I have. Right now I can only take it a day at a time. I can't look to the future anymore cause I don't know what even the next day holds.

I guess I'm searching for some answers to my questions but also any words of encouragement I could find as well. If I didn't have to think of my kids I would prolly leave but that fact that he is the love of my life makes it easier to stay. We haven't gone to the bishop yet and I guess it's just cause we don't want people to know. It's no one's business and our families will found out if we go to the bishop because he won't be able to perform any priesthood ordinances or go to the temple. I wish there was a way we could go through the whole process without everyone finding out. I don't want my family to hate him but I know what I used to think of cheaters and it isn't kindly.

I'm already a fragile, broken mess so please don't respond if you can't be kind. You may not agree with what I have decided or the questions I have but there is no need to be unkind. My whole world has been turned upside down in an instant! That's being said, please help!

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Please go to the bishop FOR YOURSELF, not for your husband. Let him know you have to go because you must have support, and suggest that he might want to see the bishop first, because you don't want to be the one to "tell on him". But go. Please. You need it, and that's why the bishop is there. You need far more support then you can get from random people on a discussion board.

As for excommunication: It is certainly possible, and a man who would do what your husband has done can have no excuse to avoid excommunication. But if he is sincerely repentant, he might avoid it. Please understand that it doesn't matter. Excommunication is beside the point. Your husband must repent and become clean of this betrayal or he will have no part in the kingdom of heaven. If excommunication helps that process, I sincerely hope he is excommunicated. Whatever it takes.

All the best to you. Please go get support. Right now. Today, or no later than Sunday if you feel like you have to give your husband time to confess.

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Stay. For now anyway. It is his responsibility to be honest with the bishop but you dont want him baptizing your daughter. Get one of your dads to do it. They will love it. It is no ones business except you guys, the bishop and God. And a counsel if he calls one. I have no idea if he will be excommunicated but if he is it is the right thing to do. Then he can come back into the church with a clean heart.

Do you know why he did this? He needs some counselling and so do you. Right now worrying about your family and friends finding out is not your number one concern.

He must be a great person for you to love him as you do. He is a very lucky man that you love him and want to save your marriage. Help him to find himself and get cleaned up but realize it is something he has to actually do himself .

And. He needs to be made aware that you will forgive him but he cant count on that happening again.

My best wishes and hopes for you. It wont be easy but you already know that.

Oh and another thing. He has not destroyed your life. You are the only one who can do that to yourself. He has thrown your hopes for a Celestial family on the ground but that is not irreparable. That big black hole you see stretching out in front of you does not have to stay. God gives us hope and He gave a son to us to make repentance possible. Just try to help your husband understand that the atonement is there for him.

Edited by annewandering
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Please go to the bishop FOR YOURSELF, not for your husband. Let your husband know you have to go because you must have support, and suggest that he might want to see the bishop first, because you don't want to be the one to "tell on him". But go. Please. You need it, and that's why the bishop is there. You need far more support then you can get from random people on a discussion board.

As for excommunication: It is certainly possible, and a man who would do what your husband has done can have no excuse to avoid excommunication. But if he is sincerely repentant, he might avoid it. Please understand that it doesn't matter. Excommunication is beside the point. Your husband must repent and become clean of this betrayal or he will have no part in the kingdom of heaven. If excommunication helps that process, I sincerely hope he is excommunicated. Whatever it takes.

All the best to you. Please go get support. Right now. Today, or no later than Sunday if you feel like you have to give your husband time to confess.

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If he's been doing this for 3 of your 8 years, there is something very wrong. In my opinion he only stopped because he was caught.

I would go to the Bishop. I would not have him baptize anyone. I just baptized one of my kids before I found out my wife was having a facebook/emotional and somewhat physical affair. Her whole family came-and that's a big feat. She gave a talk on the Holy Ghost and she had a LOT of trouble feeling worthy to or feeling the Spirit to help her with her talk.

I had a problem with pornography for years. It didn't get resolved until I finally listened to Pres. Hinckley talking so much about it every Priesthood session of Conference. I finally admitted to my wife and we went to the Bishop. I couldn't have done it without Heavenly Father's help.

Your husband and you should go talk to the Bishop. People might notice something is wrong, but so many people are so caught up in their own lives they might not. I would have a grandfather baptize your daughter if that is possible. You could say it's a privilege for her grandpa to do it. I don't know maybe that's silly, but it's worth a try.

I am still wanting to stay with my wife but I have caused other problems for my marriage. She will no longer have me. If you go to the Bishop and you believe your husband is going to stop, maybe you CAN work things through.

My best wishes for you and your children. Good luck and keep us updated.

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For the time being we have decided not to talk to anyone about it.

Was that his idea, or yours?

You need support. This is new information to you, and an enormous blow. It would be unfair, I think, to expect you to bear this burden and work through it on your own.

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Guest mormonmusic

I see it a bit differently.

First, it sounds like your relationship with him is still important to you -- not only for the stability of your family, but for yourself to some extent as you said he is "the love of your life".

So, don't let the Church damage the relationship and make this any harder. Consider the relationship first.

So, with this as the backdrop.

1) I would consider going through the emotional needs questionnaire at Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and figure out what led him to do this. See if you can identify an emotional need that led him in this direction. I AM NOT SAYING THIS IS YOUR FAULT -- I'm saying that understanding a person's needs is often a first step to diagnosing what went wrong here. He should learn your emotional needs as well.

There is a tremendous amount of advice at Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice there for how to survive an affair, and the onus on the wayward spouse to restore love and trust. It's far more practical advice than you will get from a Bishop, who is not trained as a marriage counselor. And there is a discussion forum there where people have survived or are trying to cope with an affair. For some it helps, for others, it may not -- I just suggest it as a resource. But learn Harley Junior's framework for a happy marriage and surviving an affair.

Although the opinion of a righteous, responsible man (Bishop) is valued, I see the Bishop more as an administrator first, and a spiritual advisor too, but not the person who will be able to figure out your husband and how to repair the marriage. A professional marriage counselor will have the time and skills to do this, as they do it all the time (if you get a good one).

2. Don't go behind your husband's back to the Bishop, even if it's for YOUR support. At least, not without his permission. He will only feel bretrayed and it will hurt your relationship. That comes first right now -- even secondary to the Church. Don't let the involvement of the Church make things even more difficult.

3. He can't baptize your daughter. You need a workaround such as a family member to perform the ordinance. To avoid embarrassment, consider a small baptism, even out of the Ward at a family member's Ward if practical. If not practical, then have a small one at the Church and have a reason for it.

4. He will have to talk to the Bishop eventually. If your husband is a Melch priesthood holder, as I think he must be if you are in the temple, it will be a Stake Disciplinary Council, unless the Stake President sees fit to delegate it to the Bishop for a Bishop's council.

It's hard to say what the Council will do. The new Church Handbook appears more lenient than what we saw in previous decades, however, it will be up to the SP after listening to his council. The best thing is for your husband to go in there clearly repentent, having taking steps to overcome what led to this extended period of deceptiveness. Being willing to accept whatever penalty is given is a precursor to mercy. I've been on councils where they excommunicate because the person doesn't seem sincerely repentent and appears to need the stiffer judgment. Also, the fact that he did it for so long and didn't tell you until caught will probably not help your case.

Also, if he goes ahead and baptizes your daughter while this unworthy, I think it would make it more likely he will be excommunicated.

5. You should encourage him to come clean on this so he wants to get past this and back on the straight and narrow.

That's my pea-brain's analysis of this situation....I feel for you. I know it's hard when you feel you've done everything right and then a spouse betrays your trust.

Edited by mormonmusic
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I am so sorry for what you are going thru... I don't really have any advice to offer, but I can try to give you some comfort. Heavenly Father sees your situation, and knows your struggles. He loves you and your family unconditionally. He sees your daughter and knows what a blessed time of her life she is about to enter, when she is baptized. He wants you to be there for her and make it special for her. Don't let this scandal be a part of her special day.

He wants you to have hope in this difficult time. In the end it will all work out, and your family will come thru this struggle stronger and with a firmer faith in God. No matter what the outcome of any church discipline, remind your husband that it is all done with love, and his, and your family's best interests at heart.

Start praying together regularly. When you do your own prayer time, pray for your husband earnestly. Doing so will increase your love and tolerance for him. I know that you cannot see past tomorrow or this struggle right now, but rest assured that Heavenly Father does. You can do this!

I type these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen!

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So, don't let the Church damage the relationship and make this any harder. Consider the relationship first.

I have a hard time with this comment. The Church doesn't damage relationships. People damage relationships. Infidelity damages relationships. Plus I'm a very firm believer that we should never discourage people from talking to their Bishop if they need it for their own spiritual comfort and strength.

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I have a hard time with this comment. The Church doesn't damage relationships. People damage relationships. Infidelity damages relationships. Plus I'm a very firm believer that we should never discourage people from talking to their Bishop if they need it for their own spiritual comfort and strength.

I was thinking he meant some people in the church as opposed to the church itself. I hope so anyway. She did express some concern that everyone would know.

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I was thinking he meant some people in the church as opposed to the church itself. I hope so anyway. She did express some concern that everyone would know.

Well this needs to be clear.

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I have been through what you have and chose to stay with my wife as well. I will tell you now that it wont be easy but it can be done. Its been a year now since the 2nd affair and things are a lot better then they were before but it is still difficult for me.

Also who was it that wanted to keep the information to yourselves? If it was husbands idea then I dont feel he is ready to start the repairing process. He needs to come clean and take repsonsibility for what he has done. People other then yourself need to know what happened so he can be held accountable or hes likely to repeat the behavior again in the future.

I agree the marriagebuider site is a wonderful resource it has tons of helpful information and advice. Also some books they recommend His Needs Her Needs. A big part of getting through it was knowing why it happened. Seeing how it begins and how it can lead to an affair, knowing that your not alone. You both need to decide if you are BOTH willing to work on the marriage it will take both of you for it to work.

I highly recommend marriage counseling and reading the above books and website you may feel like you dont need it or can make it through without it. I thought the same the 1st time around and it ending up happening again. I wish I had done it all the after the 1st time. I know it might be very very hard but you may need to make the 1st move and start meeting all his emotional needs and continue being a wonderul wife. Someone needs to break the vicious cycle or it will keep on going and nothing will ever get better.

My wife was not excommunicated the 1st time which was almost a year long affair, she was put on probation but it had been over for almost a year. The 2nd time it had only happened one time I found out myself though and confronted her, she was disfellowshipped. The 2 instances were 3 years apart we have been married for 10 years now 2 kids.

Also the only people who know of my wifes affair is myself our Bishop and the stake presidents counsil members her Mother who she told herself (her support) and my closest friend (for my support). Nobody else needs to know and it isnt anyone elses business.

Im sorry you have to go through this I know your pain remember you are not alone. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. Keep Heavenly Father close and pray often without him I would not have made it through this.

Edited by John11111
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Not quite sure what I'm doing yet so hopefully this posts in the right spot lol. I thank each of you for your posts. Mormonmusic, John11111, annewandering, vort, rimmer, Eowyn, sister_in_faith, and Pam (hope i didn't leave anyone out). It means so much to me that you took time to reply to my post and I'm taking into considertion what each of you have said. You have no idea what they mean to me. If felt so good to to get feedback and it's the closest thing I've had to a conversation about it. Reading your posts i got a rush of relief and comfort. It put a smile on my face to see that someone cares, even though we don't know each other. God bless you all. You all also helped give me strength and realize what i need to do and really drove some points home. I really felt like I was hearing from people with wisdom.

He says it started cause he didn't feel loved and appreciated. I can understand his feelings cause I felt them before too and I guess I conveyed them in the wrong manner and he says that's what started it 3 yrs ago. But I never came close to cheating and I know I felt the same as he did before. That was one of the questions I just kept asking in the beginning. "how does someone do that?" The hard thing is we have been on great terms lately. I have been super happy and he says he has too but he has still been cheating. He also has had some problems with porn which I never knew about either. He says he's not addicited though and that he didn't do it that often. I don't know what to think. Could he be a sex addict?

As far as not talking to anyone I think it was kinda both our choices. I know I need support and I'm a talker when it comes to problems but this is a loaded issue. There is so much that goes along with it I think we're focusing too much on how it will affect others and in return how that will affect us. I just know my family will have a super hard time forgiving him and not hating him and his dad will be super dissapointed. His father went through a divorce last year after 25 yrs of marriage when his wife left him for someone else. Of my father-in-law's 8 children, my husband being one of the older ones, my husband is the closest one to being active. In fact, my father-in-law has sought my husband out for strength and guidance many times and I know finding out what his son has been up too will crush him and come as a huge shock. It will just cause so much hurt to so many people. I like what was said about people knowing making him more accountable though.

Thank you for the comments about the upcoming baptism of my daughter too. They have been very helpful. I have also been very weary of the idea of excommunication but after reading all your comments I feel like if it happens it will be for the best. I will definitely look into the marriage builders. Either way your support has lifted my spirits and been so greatly needed. I can never thank each of you enough!!!

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Guest mormonmusic

I have a hard time with this comment. The Church doesn't damage relationships. People damage relationships. Infidelity damages relationships. Plus I'm a very firm believer that we should never discourage people from talking to their Bishop if they need it for their own spiritual comfort and strength.

I have to take issue with a blanket statement like this. Sharing what she knows about her husband WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION OR KNOWLEDGE may well damage their relationship, particularly if the Bishop acts unilaterally and calls him in as a result.

Therefore, the Church's role may well have a negative impact if not managed properly in this situation. It can also be very healthy in restoring love and helping her husband get on the straight and narrow again -- managed well as not to hurt her relatinoship with her husband.

As much as I have dedicated three decades of my life to the Church, the people in leadership and file positions HAVE damaged relationships with others. There have been circumstances where missionaries have gotten between a husband and a wife, and encouraged baptism without the husband's knowledge, when he didn't agree with it. This amounts to independent behavior that can hurt relationships and trust.

There have been situations where good, loving husbands have lost their wives due to harsh judgments rooted in the doctrine that women need their husbands for exhaltation -- and when they experience faith or commitment problems, the women abandon them. My wife considered such a thing with me after our failed adoption and the harsh manner in which it was delivered. It was only the overtures of a strong LDS woman she admired who mentioned love for spouse should transcend the Church. This woman was married to a non-member and changed my wife's mind. A member of our Bishopric recently told my wife about how his wife threatened to leave him if he didn't get a temple recommend, when he had a faith crisis since my own commitment has lessened lately. I have read and counseled with others in the same boat. There CAN be interference that is not healthy, as these situations illustrate.

Now, whether it's the Church, or the people -- that distinction no longer matters to me...I won't debate these semantics further other than to say that the Church and its people are closely inter-related. As President Hinckley said once in a conference, without the people, the Church is just a collection of buildings, or similar. And our beliefs, which can be beautiful and uplifting, can also encourage well-meaning people to act in ways that hurt relationships -- as I quoted above.

Alter the wording if you want, but she shouldn't let the people in the Church come become her and her husband. Use that wording if it lessens the cognitive dissonance.

Remember this -- in 15 or twenty years, after moving or changes in leadership and the ebb and flow of people in her Ward and Stake, this issue with her husband may well be a faded memory to the people who are administering the Church in her local area right now. They may even have trouble remembering her name. But this experience will be with her forever as one of those life-changing moments that affects much of her world view and experience in this life. The lives of children, her financial situation, their spirituality and eternal hopes as a family are all at stake here, and the situation needs to be handled cautiously.

Her relationship with her husband, the stability of her home life and her personal happiness all need to be considered -- not just one of these factors, and the role of the Church is secondary to her relationship right now. Hopefully, all will be reconciled at some point, but let's not get the cart in front of the horse.

I don't object to her seeing her Bishop, but it has to be with her husband's support, and not unilateral lest the existence of the Church in her life hurts their relationship even further.

So with respect Pam, I stand firmly by what I said above.

Edited by mormonmusic
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I have to take issue with a blanket statement like this. Sharing what she knows about her husband WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION OR KNOWLEDGE may well damage their relationship, particularly if the Bishop acts unilaterally and calls him in as a result....

I don't object to her seeing her Bishop, but it has to be with her husband's support, and not unilateral lest the existence of the Church in her life hurts their relationship even further.

So with respect Pam, I stand firmly by what I said above.

I disagree on several levels and for many reasons. The most obvious is:

When someone is drowning, she need not ask another drowning person's permission before grabbing on to a life preserver.

tattered_torn owns her own life, at least as much as any of us own anything. She gets to make decisions about her life. Right now, her life is in shambles because of a betrayal. She needs emotional support, far more than she can get on an anonymous discussion list. She also needs spiritual guidance. She also needs moral counsel. The bishop can give her all of those. In point of fact, that is one of the reasons he is put in that position.

I am all for the husband supporting his wife -- but then, I'm all for the husband keeping his pants zipped up outside their bedroom, and he didn't do so great in that. If he supports his wife in telling the bishop the way he kept his marriage covenants, she will remain isolated and miserable.

You are welcome to your opinion, of course, and your counseling background might give your words added weight in the minds of some. But I think you are mistaken and that your attitude toward the Church's place in this debacle is misguided. She should tell her husband that she is talking to the bishop tomorrow, and that he has the rest of the day to go to the bishop first so that the news of his infidelities reaches the bishop from his own mouth rather than hers. Then let him act according to his own conscience. But she's talking to the bishop, regardless of his choices. That is what she needs to do for her own protection and for the good of her family, including (ironic though it may seem) her marriage.

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I might be the only one who suggest this, but go to a doctor, get tested...for everything, if you haven't done so already. You have no idea where these other women have been.

Second, get some help either via Bishop or a good therapist. Books can only do so much. Ask your husband to join you in marriage therapy sessions. I suspect the Bishop will recommend marriage council anyway.

As for the baptism, no he should not perform it. As suggested before have one of the grandfathers do it, if possible.

And most of the time kids can pick up on problems between mom and dad, they don't have to know the details but I would bet they can pick up on the tension.

Not being able to talk about this with a real person will only build resentment up in the end. Please for yourself and your kids talk to someone you can trust, Bishop, Therapist, someone. It will eat you up other wise.

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Guest mormonmusic

tattered_torn owns her own life, at least as much as any of us own anything. She gets to make decisions about her life.

And she has two different opinions here to decide between. I wish her the best in deciding what is right for her.

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I have to take issue with a blanket statement like this. Sharing what she knows about her husband WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION OR KNOWLEDGE may well damage their relationship, particularly if the Bishop acts unilaterally and calls him in as a result.

So with respect Pam, I stand firmly by what I said above.

As I stand by mine. Again the Church did not cause problems in their relationship. Had the infidelity issue not come up, the issue of whether she should or should not talk to her Bishop would not have come up. Or whether she wants to for that matter.

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As I stand by mine. Again the Church did not cause problems in their relationship. Had the infidelity issue not come up, the issue of whether she should or should not talk to her Bishop would not have come up. Or whether she wants to for that matter.

She does need to be open with her husband about her going to the bishop. He has to have the chance to come clean with the bishop. In fact if he does then she doesnt need to talk to the bishop at all. At that point his church standing is between him and the bishop unless the bishop asks to speak to her. It isnt her responsibility anymore. Its her husbands.

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She does need to be open with her husband about her going to the bishop. He has to have the chance to come clean with the bishop. In fact if he does then she doesnt need to talk to the bishop at all. At that point his church standing is between him and the bishop unless the bishop asks to speak to her. It isnt her responsibility anymore. Its her husbands.

I agree with that to a point. But if she needs or wants to talk to her Bishop about how to handle things for her own spirituality etc. then she should be able to. She has to be able to tell the Bishop something or the reason for needing the help and advice won't make sense. It would be like saying "I need help but I can't tell you why."

I would also agree with whoever said..let her husband knows she has an appointment with the Bishop at this time. It's up to her husband to then decide if he wants to be the one to talk first or allow her to do it.

But we can't tell someone to keep their own spirituality in limbo because the spouse won't be the one to do it.

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The point isn't telling on her husband, it's getting the spiritual support and counseling that SHE needs.

Yes. I agree to an extent. Maybe it is just that we assume she needs to talk to the bishop and maybe she really doesnt. That would be up to her and how she is dealing with it.

There has to be a point where she lets go of her husbands sin and not take it into herself. It has nothing to do with her. Of course maybe talking to the bishop is exactly what she needs to understand that.

What her husband has done does affect her and her family. I am not denying that. Marriage counselors are very good at helping with that and are trained to do so.

Her role in this whole mess is to support him doing the right thing. In other words supporting his repentance. She may well not need the bishops counsel to do that. It has to be a personal thing and up to what she feels she needs.

lol I read your post Pam after posting this and thought I had double posted!

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