broken hearted after husband's infidelity


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I think it's awesome that the OP has a good attitude about this. It's obvious that she loves her husband and family and wants to do everything she can to keep that unit together. I felt from her post that there is the willingness and the want to be able to forgive and work on keeping the family together.

Yet at the same time, it's important to also be able to keep ourself together as well. It's a hard road and I wish their family all the luck in the world.

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Guest mormonmusic

As I stand by mine. Again the Church did not cause problems in their relationship. Had the infidelity issue not come up, the issue of whether she should or should not talk to her Bishop would not have come up. Or whether she wants to for that matter.

I don't know where you got the mistaken idea I said the Church was the cause of this problem. I agree - it was the husband' infidelity. But GOING FORWARD I suggest managing the Church impact of this problem so it doesn't cause further issues, making the situation worse. That has been my position from the very beginning.

So, with your statement above, she apparently has several points of view to consider -- not all in agreement. It will be interesting to see what she chooses to do, and it may include none of these options.

Edited by mormonmusic
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Suzie I don't get why you laughed at Eowyn's comment.

Oh wow, it seems like I accidentally clicked on the laugh button!!! :eek::eek::eek: When I read your post I was like "Who is laughing??" until I saw "Suzie". :eek::eek::eek:

Edit: I wonder if I should change my password....

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She does need to be open with her husband about her going to the bishop. He has to have the chance to come clean with the bishop. In fact if he does then she doesnt need to talk to the bishop at all.

I disagree. As Eowyn pointed out, she needs to go to the bishop for her own benefit. Her husband's confession is incidental to that.

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Isnt it more like she can go to the bishop if she feels the need? If not why?

That's the point. She feels utterly alone. We are suggesting she go see her bishop rather than talk to a bunch of anonymous internet people. We are not suggesting she go see her bishop to tell on her husband; we are advising her to see her bishop as a way to cope with and overcome this horrible trial.

Some have objected that doing so could put a strain on their marriage by "outing" the husband's infidelity. Our response is that the husband can go tell the bishop himself if he doesn't want his wife to "tell on him", but she should go see her bishop regardless. If the result is that she "tells on" her husband, so be it. If he wants to be man enough to confess his own adultery, that's better. But in either case, she should be on her way to see her bishop post haste.

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What I am saying is not everyone needs to go see the bishop if their spouse sins. Nothing to do with the spouse but for themselves. Is there something wrong if the innocent spouse sees no need to go?

Anyway its a side issue really. She needs to do what she feels she needs. Her husband needs to get his repentance started if he wants to keep her and the kids with him but that is essentially a separate issue.

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Here is my take. He needs to see the bishop right away and not "when he's ready" because no one is ever ready to confess sins! Most people have been through it and most people hate it although it is very relieving and is a necessary step to repentance! Adultery is one of the most serious sins yet he can have forgiveness and you can be happy with him once again. Recognize though that if he has been with multiple women I think he'll be excommunicated. This is my opinion. If a man enters the temple, is sealed, commits adultery, gets excommunicated and then repeats these exact same steps he can no longer be a member of the Church. TWO strikes and you are out! God will not be mocked!

Your husband can become a new and better person. If he has to spend his WHOLE life humbly seeking yours and the Lord's forgiveness it will be worth it if you love him. Christ suffered for all. "Thou your sins be as scarlet they shall be as white as snow". Good luck to you!

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I'm coming in a little late onto this conversation, but I thought I'd add my two cents anyway. Tattered--tell someone. If not the bishop or family member, then a friend. I'm going through a very similar thing right now. When I first found out I wanted to keep it all 'in the family'....secret. Almost as if I didn't talk about it then it didn't really happen and I could just go on, heal, and pretend like I was happy. I tried that. It doesn't work. You need help. I'm a very strong, private person so it was very difficult for me to talk to someone about what was going on in my marriage. I wondered how the bishop would react. Would he look at my family differently? Would he hate my husband? And you know what? His support and love has given me and my children so much strength. I really wonder if I would have been able to survive at all these past few months without that. I was hoping I would feel better after a little time had passed, but it actually gets harder. As the initial shock wears off and as you come to grips with the reality of what your husband has done to your marriage, it will get much, much harder. Guaranteed. For me it's like a hollow, empty hole in my chest that constanly aches. I told my husband that I was going in to talk to the bishop because I needed to talk with someone about it and get some spiritual guidance. I told him he was welcome to come with me. Then I started seeing a therapist and I told my best friend. Those are the only people in my life that know anything about it. At first I was so worried about who would find out and what they'd think--please, please, please don't let that keep you from getting help. It's the ONLY way to move forward and to heal. You will not be able to do it on your own. The bishop must be involved if your husband honestly wants to repent and be worthy to participate in the blessings of his priesthood. I know it's hard. I know it's almost impossible to fathom. But your 'love of your life' husband has been cheating on you for half of your marriage. This is not something that you can brush under the rug and move on from. Something that my bishop told me that really helped me was this-- What would you tell your daughter to do if she were in the same position with her husband? Please take care of yourself (medically too). I wish you all the best in your journey moving forward. If you ever just want to talk/vent--you can email me anytime. It helps to talk. Even if it's to a stranger. :)

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Everything passes over time. It wont ever go away but it will be better Lots better. It is so much like a death in the family. In this case though you dont have to wait til you die to get back together again if that is what you want.

Dont take the sin upon yourself. It is his sin. No matter how guilty you may feel at times it is not your sin to deal with. The pain you are feeling reminds me of the atonement. Christ has already felt the pain for your husband's sin.

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Tattered n Torn ... My dear sister you are already a better person than I am ... I would have kicked him to the curb so fast he wouldn't have bounced on the way.

First off find someone to give you a blessing ... no need to say why, just that you feel the need, HF knows your needs and will act accordingly, second get checked by a doctor like you have been urged to do this is so vital, third realize you are loved and follow the spirit, stick close to your faith.

You need to think about you and your children at this point, it is obvious your husband hasn't been. For him to say he did it becuase he didn't feel loved is an excuse and keeping it quiet just makes it that much easier for him to continue down his path. Time for him to man up and act like the husband and priesthood holder he is supposed to be. It won't be easy ... for you I am so sorry for this ... for him it is as it should be. Tell someone, talk to your bishop. This is not your fault and you need to set bounaries to protect yourself and your children. Call the temple and put all your names on the temple rolls, all that prayer from all those good people will surley help. My heart goes out to you.

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I'm in my late 20's and I've been married for 8 yrs and have 4 children. My husband and I are sealed in the temple. We have been together since i was 17. I have done everything right I could the last 8 years and been completely active in church. Because of that the news of my husbands affairs have been extremely hard to bear. About a month ago I found out my husband has been cheating on me for 3 yrs. I am completely devastated and was totally blindsided by it. For the time being we have decided not to talk to anyone about it. I desperately need some support and I guess that's why I joined the site. I have never done the whole forum thing before.

I found out something was wrong because he left his email up and there were pictures of women. When I confronted him he came clean. There have been multiple offenses, emotional and physical (including having sex more than once). And he said he wanted to tell me before but didn't know how and didn't want me to leave him. The last affair was just emotional and someone he met on the ps3. It had been going on for a few months though and only ended after i confronted him. I took him back because I still love him and think that divorce is the worst possible thing I could ever do to my kids. (This is my opinion) We are trying to make it work and even though he has destroyed my life and broken my heart he is a good father. What is the likelihood for excommunication in this situation?? This is a huge question for us. Especially considering the fact that his testimony is shaky at this point.

We haven't told anyone anything about what is going on. Our eldest daughter is supposed to get baptized in a few months and I suppose that's when everything will come out. I don't know how things will go down though. What would happen if he did decide to go through with baptizing her even though he is unworthy?? I don't feel it's my place to go to the bishop for him but if I don't and he does perform her baptism am I committing a sin?? Things may come out before then, i don't now and I don't think I would let him do that, our daughter deserves better, but it's just a question I have. Right now I can only take it a day at a time. I can't look to the future anymore cause I don't know what even the next day holds.

I guess I'm searching for some answers to my questions but also any words of encouragement I could find as well. If I didn't have to think of my kids I would prolly leave but that fact that he is the love of my life makes it easier to stay. We haven't gone to the bishop yet and I guess it's just cause we don't want people to know. It's no one's business and our families will found out if we go to the bishop because he won't be able to perform any priesthood ordinances or go to the temple. I wish there was a way we could go through the whole process without everyone finding out. I don't want my family to hate him but I know what I used to think of cheaters and it isn't kindly.

I'm already a fragile, broken mess so please don't respond if you can't be kind. You may not agree with what I have decided or the questions I have but there is no need to be unkind. My whole world has been turned upside down in an instant! That's being said, please help!

My heart absolutely breaks for you. I have no adequate words of consolation to offer. I'm sorry for that. But, I do want to stress something where going to the bishop and confessing is concerned, which is something I would encourage that you and your husband do together. It is no one else's business! No one else need know about your personal private life. Not your families and not your friends at church. Oh, they may wonder why this or that, but you have no obligation to tell them anything. That is up to you and your husband and if your bishop honors confidentiality as a faithful bishop should, no one other than those priesthood leaders who have stewardship need know any details at all. Let other people speculate all they please, about the why of this, or the why of that, but you have no obligation to discuss those private matters with any of them and if they press you, just tell them it's a matter between you and the Lord and you intend to keep it that way, end of story.

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Guest mirancs8

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Having dealt with a simular situation I can understand the pain and fustration you are feeling.

You need to seek healing for yourself. Don't ignore your needs. The Bishop will keep things confidential I wouldn't worry about that. However be sure to tell your husband that you are going to meet with the Bishop for guidance in your own healing process through this difficult time. Add that it would make you happy if he would join you in the meeting but you understand if he's not ready.

I commend you for doing all you can to be a support to your husband and sticking it out through the tough times. But please remember you are going through so many emotions and you need to seek help for youself.

Finally your husband needs to realize that he needs to step up and have accountability for his actions. He is the one who needs to fix all the wrongs he has done in the marriage. He will need to earn back your respect and trust which will take much time and committment on his part.

My prayers are with you and your family.

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Her relationship with her husband, the stability of her home life and her personal happiness all need to be considered -- not just one of these factors, and the role of the Church is secondary to her relationship right now. Hopefully, all will be reconciled at some point, but let's not get the cart in front of the horse.

I don't object to her seeing her Bishop, but it has to be with her husband's support, and not unilateral lest the existence of the Church in her life hurts their relationship even further.

So with respect Pam, I stand firmly by what I said above.

Let me see if I have this right . . . you feel that after the terrible damage done to the relationship - after his deceit, betrayal, and ultimate infidelity, you feel the victim ought to tip-toe around being careful to not step on any of the broken shards of the relationship scattered on the floor?

He was free to unilaterally act in a way that was horribly devastating. I think she has well more than a 'right' to unilaterally act to find help and healing from trusted sources. It would be 'good' were she to talk to her H about seeing the B beforehand, but in no way does it "have to be with her husband's support". That is a double-standard IMO.

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Guest mormonmusic

Let me see if I have this right . . . you feel that after the terrible damage done to the relationship - after his deceit, betrayal, and ultimate infidelity, you feel the victim ought to tip-toe around being careful to not step on any of the broken shards of the relationship scattered on the floor?

He was free to unilaterally act in a way that was horribly devastating. I think she has well more than a 'right' to unilaterally act to find help and healing from trusted sources. It would be 'good' were she to talk to her H about seeing the B beforehand, but in no way does it "have to be with her husband's support". That is a double-standard IMO.

As I keep saying, my approach is one of a couple she could consider. There is also the "she needs support and should go to the Bishop for help regardless of what her husband thinks" approach that has been posited.

You and others appear to feel the needs of the husband are secondary because he is the unfaithful sinner in this case. He screwed up, was deceitful, broke convenants - he doesn't DESERVE consideration -- that's what I hear you saying.

I find that attitude akin to the men standing around the woman taken in adultery about to throw stones -- that's what I see when I hear your harsh comments toward this person and your attitude that he just doesn't matter because he made a mistake.

If you consider him as an eternal being, with access to the atonement, he can be forgiven of this. This period, if handled properly, can be a hard period in which he faces the consequences of his actions, but emerges worthy to stand along with the righteous some day. I personally do not want to see him thrown under the bus.

I look at it differently and see it as something they need to work out together. Our Tattered indicated she wants the relationship to continue, so, with that in mind, the relationship, her husband, her need for support need to be reconciled as much as possible.

I actually opened up this question with my wife, and she also agreed that if in a similar situation, our relationship comes first, and if one of us thought it would do more harm to go to the Bishop without the other's agreement, we wouldn't do it until we both decided to do it. We would approach him together. She would get her support in counseling or in a friend we both trusted. We would rely on a marriage counselor to help us figure out what happened and to restore trust. The Bishop we would work with as an administrator over our Church standing, listening to any advice he had, but seeing the professional marriage counselor as the one who works hard with us on the problem of prevention in the future, and restoration of love.

Again, tattered needs to decide what she wants. And I perseonally think you are showing the downside of righteous living -- your are coming across as harsh and uncharitable toward the husband.

Do I condone what he did? Definitely not -- but I also know God loves the sinner, and the approaches you're taking is showing you think he's no better than the dust of the earth right now.

Edited by mormonmusic
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You and others appear to feel the needs of the husband are secondary because he is the unfaithful sinner in this case. He screwed up, was deceitful, broke convenants - he doesn't DESERVE consideration -- that's what I hear you saying.

Not sure why you are misunderstanding us so badly. We do not say the husband does not deserve consideration. Rather, we are saying that his freely chosen actions have painful consequences, and that his wife should not damage herself or refuse to seek the help and support she so desperately needs just so that he, the unfaithful husband, does not have to face the consequences of his actions.

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We all have our sensitive issues and perspectives that color the way we view a situation. I do find it very interesting in a reply to me that you attribute thoughts and feelings that go FAR beyond what I am thinking/feeling. Interesting that by pointing out simple facts of the situation (he did admit, per Tattered's recounting, that he was deceitful, unfaithful, etc), you jump to a place so far as attributing to others he is "no better than the dust of the earth", and judging him worth stoning! In fact, I indicated he deserves consideration, but, I disagree that his consideration is paramount over the victim's consideration. Supporting Tattered in the idea that she has a right to do what is best for herself (which may well include conceding to her H's wishes) has nothing to do judging as worthy of stoning. The sinner does merit Christ-like consideration, yes, but not at the expense of the victim.

I take the stance that we all have to live with the consequences of our mistakes, whether great or small. I consider bringing infidelity into a marriage as having consequences, one of the least of which being the victim may discuss the matter with trusted spiritual and professional sources.

Edited by ryanh
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Guest mormonmusic

I'm through with this thread. Perhaps I'm jaded by other posts some of you have made, but I see a harsh attitude here.

I maintain that ideally, this is a joint decision between husband and wife, and both are important.

In a way, I'm glad we've had this conversation because it gives me insight into the thinking of probably others I associate with face to face to face in religious circles.

So, I wish tattered good luck in deciding what she does. I hope it works out the best for everyone.

Edited by mormonmusic
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I see both sides of this going to the Bishop.

Why not go to a neutral party such as a marraige counselor first? Most Bishops are not trained in this (although I'm sure they see more stuff than they want). The counselor may have some very valuable insights into the situation, while the Bishop's priorities can be much different. Such as counselling her to hang on to a lost situation, or having the husband in his office ASAP to begin the repentance process. Why not iron out some of these issues before clergy gets involved?

I agree the OP needs counselling ASAP.

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Pornography is the gateway to Adultery.

It is indeed a possibility that he does not have an addiction to pornography and that which he did view was sufficient to lead him to these things but I don't know that it's common for it to work this way.

He has stated that he's not addicted to pornography but by whose standards? As the one sinning, I'm not sure that his perception of what qualifies for addiction and what does not can be blankly trusted.

While perhaps there are some who would disagree with me, I expect that for the most part all here would agree that if you add the egg of pornography to the nest of marriage, adultery will eventually hatch.

Bring it to his attention that because he's already done these things before, the adversary knows that they are some of his weaknesses and will tempt and attack him via this opening in future.

Then express that you want to help protect him against future temptations and that you would like to install a filter to prevent accidental or intentional viewing of pornographic material. I personally love K9 Webfilter and recommend it highly.

If he doesn't see the wisdom in this setup and resists it's implementation instead, to me that would speak volumes about his feelings on the adultery he has committed. For if his remorse is true, would he not desire to avoid it any way he can and do anything to prevent himself from repeating his sins?

I see both sides as well in regards to speaking to the bishop and am grateful for the insights.

Tattered, by sharing what you have you've also made a difference in the lives of others for good.

The question is, when a spouse commits serious sin but doesn't have the courage to go see the Bishop, what should we do?

I'm going to tell my future wife that in such a situation, unless I was given council by the Lord to do otherwise, I would go to the bishop and I would ask her to do the same for me.

Say you're hiking and you come to a raging torrential river. On the other side of the river you see someone has fallen in but managed to catch themselves on a tree growing in the cliff side. Should they not find rescue, eventually they will run out of strength to hold onto the tree and they'll fall to their death.

As you stare in horror at their predicament you realize something surprising. They're not calling out for help. Even more starling is that you see a park ranger sitting in his jeep not far from where the man has fallen.

Confused you ask them why they haven't called out for help as there is a park ranger nearby. They answer indicating that they already know but they're afraid to call out. They explain indicating that the park ranger had informed everyone that the river was off limits and anyone found trespassing there would be fined severely.

Ask your husband what he would do in such a situation. With someone's life in immediate danger, would he call out to the park ranger on their behalf or spend a few hours trying to convince them to do it themselves. Ask your husband which of these two choices would be the most loving and caring?

I know that this analogy is written in a way as to hopefully ensure a single answer. It was intentional. Should he answer as I hope, you could then liken it unto his situation.

This is his eternal salvation at stake here. His soul is on the line. Without the aid of the Bishop and application of the Atonement, he can never escape and will fall to his death in the river below.

For members of the Church who have God's law, there is no forgiveness for Murder in this life or the life to come. Outside of Murder this is the worst thing he could have done

While someone I love may be angry at me for trying to save them so, I would only be doing it as an act of love. Yes I may loose their trust in so doing but to do otherwise and continue to risk their soul?

Ultimately the decision is up to you but remember this. You have claim on the Lord for revelation in this matter. If in doubt, seek his council until you have received it.

My heart feels for you. How much it helps I really don't know but I've prayed for you. May you find the answers you seek so that regardless of how the future unfolds, you may have peace knowing you did his will.

Edited by Martain
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