Learning about the Past

[prettyrose]

I want and need to be able to trust my husband so completely, with all of me, that I can expose to him my deepest longings, joys, sorrows, hopes and dreams, as well as my deepest wounds, vulnerabilities and emotions, without fear or reservation.

I want to trust him with my everything, mind, heart, body and soul, so much that I can go to him for anything and feel completely safe and secure, as if I could allow myself to fall backwards and have complete trust that his arms would be there to catch me, because this man I want to spend eternity with loves me enough to do anything in his power to protect me from harm.

This. Exactly.

I couldn't of said it better. This is why your future wife wants to tell you EVERYTHING. Its hard to explain. Could you please listen and let her? She might feel that you are shutting her out.

[annewandering]

This may seem a side issue but she wants you to love ALL of her not just the good parts. Not just in spite of the bad parts. To love her for the pain she went through to become what she is now. She needs to have her struggles seen and acknowledged by the person she loves.

When you refuse to look at that part of her it makes her feel as if she is alone. That you only love her if she makes no mistakes. You are going to find she is not perfect. What happened in her life affected her sometimes in ways that she does not even realize at this point. She needs to know that you understand the dark side of her and still love her.

It seems that you are only in love with part of her. I hope that is not true and she does too.

[moocow]

You say that you don't care what she did in he past and don't want to hear it, but you're actually scared. You show that by saying that it makes you "uncomfortable". This is something that shouldn't scare you if you really don't care about her past. If you're willing to accept her for who she is now, then what does it matter if you hear about her past? Now you're causing a wedge in your communication that is worse than the "uncomfortable" feeling you get thinking about what possible secrets she may have.

You do need to hear it. You are obviously trying to keep your rose-colored glasses on during this giddy, dating phase you're in. Marriage is a big deal, so treat this seriously and let her talk. It isn't as bad as you're thinking probably. You're making it a bigger deal than it is.

Just let her talk. She might be your wife one day and you can't just keep secrets from each other for the rest of your life.

[sm1487]

I was dating a girl for 4 months and during that time we broke the law of chastity many times and knew it was wrong as I am 24 and an RM. I told her I wasn't worthy anymore and that we needed to stop. She would agree but then break me down at her house begging me to do things with her and I would give in. She turned 18 in August and in september broke off an engagement to a bf she had during high school and then we met and within a week she was talking about marriage with me but I would tell her she needed to experience more and that I needed to be better and wanted to respect her before getting into a serious relationship.

I didn't go out with any other girls but she would go out on dates with others guys but say she only wanted to date me. We slipped up a lot though and kept breaking the law of chastity and we never confessed to a bishop what happened. She kept getting discouraged that I wouldnt get into a relationship with her but I just felt horrible and didnt want her to think that I was getting into a relationship just to be physical with her because I truly did love her. She's the type of girls that is gorgeous and sweet and caring that everyone thinks is the nicest girl in the world, but in private has a different side to her that is very lustful. I wanted her good side and didn't want the other one.

In January I got back from Christmas and we kept dating but this time I would say no to her advances in my car or at her house telling her I wanted to respect her. I finally felt ready to tell her that I loved her and to look towards marriage and confessing our sins to the bishop, but she called me up that night and said she wanted to see where things went with this other guy she had been talking to on skype for the past week and a half that i didn't know about.

I broke down and couldn't talk to her because I was too hurt. 10 days later though I went to talk to her though and told her that I loved her and to not give up on me, but she told me she was in love with this new guy and had gone down to BYU to meet him for the first time over the weekend and that they were soul mates and she received revelation that he was the only one she was meant to be with and was already planning the wedding with his mother.

A week and a half later after Valentine's they were officially engaged after 3 weeks of skype dating and they had announced they would be married in the salt lake temple in June. It's been almost a month now and I havent been able to sleep or eat and don't know what to do. Do i go to her Bishop and tell the truth of all that we did so that she can't get married in the temple and hurt this guy and his family who have no idea about any of this? I mean he just got home from a mission in october and she is suddenly acting all spiritual about the church because his family is very LDS and I don't think she wants this to come out to potentially lose him and the family she has always wanted because she wants to live out her fantasy of marriage so badly. It's deceiving and evil. I'm wondering if i should even try contacting his mother to get her to protect her family and save her son before he kneels across an altar to a girl who is lying and unworthy.

I'm going to tell my bishop everything that happened and yes im scared, but im more worried about her covering this up and possibly hurting a good family. I've seen this exact scenario happen before and it tore a family apart and I don't want to see it happen again.

Please help, what should I do?

[Kamitha]

sm1487,

Taking everything you said at face value, simply put: she isn't your girlfriend or concern anymore, so I would worry less about the impact or potential impact your path to repentance will have on her. If you are in a place on wanting to rectify your transgressions, then focus on yourself and everything you need to do and be for full repentance. Your confession may very well affect her impending marriage; it may not. In regards to you, it doesn't matter either way; she is no longer your problem, and she will eventually have to come clean for her actions. Hopefully before she gets married in the temple.

On a side note, you probably should have started a new thread for your question than peg it on the end of this one. It seemed an odd-fitting bookend to the rest of the thread.

Good luck!

[guast]

I mean he just got home from a mission in october and she is suddenly acting all spiritual about the church because his family is very LDS and I don't think she wants this to come out to potentially lose him and the family she has always wanted because she wants to live out her fantasy of marriage so badly. It's deceiving and evil. I'm wondering if i should even try contacting his mother to get her to protect her family and save her son before he kneels across an altar to a girl who is lying and unworthy.

I'm going to tell my bishop everything that happened and yes im scared, but im more worried about her covering this up and possibly hurting a good family. I've seen this exact scenario happen before and it tore a family apart and I don't want to see it happen again.

Please help, what should I do?

I've already posted on the other lengthy thread of yours on this subject (http://www.lds.net/forums/advice-board/45428-do-i-tell-her-bishop-stop-her-temple-wedding.html) but you seem more concerned about finding someone to validate what YOU want to do than listening to what others have repeatedly told you, which is MOVE ON AND LEAVER HER BE.

You are more concerned with her "covering this up and possibly hurting a good family" than you are about going to your bishop?? Do you not see the problem with that statement. This has NOTHING to do with repentance or worrying about the family - if it did you would have RUN to see your bishop... but you haven't. You just keep talking about it in the context of being more concerned about letting her bishop know about her wrongdoings. You'll other thread is basically titled, "should I try and stop her from getting married" not "what are my obligations to her in MY repentance process?" That alone should tell you that you're motive are so much less pure than you make them out to be.

To be blunt (and hopefully not offend you) you need to be more mature, let go of her and move on with your life. She is responsible for hers and you are responsible for yours. She doesn't want you anymore. I'm sorry, that sucks, I've been through it but it isn't your place to try to control her life (remember Sunday School - that's how the devil operates) or to manipulate the gospel to try and thwart her marriage while still being able to feel okay about what you are doing.

I've been through exactly what you've described and I get the pain that comes with it but trying to justify jumping into someone else's wedding bed and getting between then under the guise of trying to help the relationship be honest isn't correcting the wrongs you've already made but compounding them by trying to manipulate her new relationship because she isn't with you anymore. The very fact that you're considering calling his mom to tell her shows how completely detached this whole line of thinking is from any sort of genuine altruism or love.

On a different note, don't you have any faith that God can handle things on his own? You are essentially saying you don't have any trust in the Bishop's interview process in the eternal context (as though God didn't know people wouldn't be entirely honest at times in temple interviews and somehow didn't factor that into the program) or that God is setting traps for people who aren't 100% honest in interviews and they will burn if you don't save them?? Grow up and move on. Its' the right thing to do.

Edited March 24, 2012 by guast