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Hi, there. I have not posted to this site to date but have found information that others have shared and advice given very helpful to my own situations and those situations of people I know and love. I will keep this straight forward and hope that people will share their feelings and advice freely (but not too freely...lol).

I have been married 7 years to my current husband (this is my second marriage). It has been unfortunate that we haven't been able to find peace in either our relationship or the relationships between my husband and the children from my previous marriage. We have experienced a great deal of adversity and trials and have found the cracks in our already unstable marriage to seem insurmountable at times. However, because we believe in giving the marriage everything, we have continuously tried to overcome.

My husband and 10 year old son have been at odds for our entire relationship. My husband was emotionally abusive and chose to resort to corporal punishment (something I do not believe in as a normal way of punishing) when dealing with him. He was open about the how he felt about him ..... cause of all of our problems, better when he wasnt there, etc. My son began acting out and got progressively worse over the years which caused my husband to come down even harder on him, etc etc...the cycle got worse and worse. I forgave my husband over and over again when he would do things that I felt in my heart were abusive because I received counsel from my bishop that that was the best thing for me to do.

Everything came to a head a few weeks back when he physically restrained my son by twisting his arm behind his back (my son has a promising hockey career ahead of him and he could have broken his wrist or arm). I warned him not to do it because I could see where he was headed. We almost separated last year over his relationship with my son and the one thing that kept us together was the promise on his behalf that he would never put his hands on him again and that he would really try to have a better relationship. That lasted about 3 months and things went back to the way they were.

Because of what happened, my son's father filed a protective order against my husband preventing ANY contact with my son....no physical, verbal, etc. This means that in order to see my son, I have to leave my house and meet my son at my mom's house, which has resulted in my parental time being drastically reduced . :( I am so angry at my husband that I can't see straight and I feel TORN. My bishop is one who believes that the covenant is everything and that as long as we are living up to the covenant, then things will be ok. I used to believe that but I also feel this need to protect my child.

I have been thinking about leaving but we have two children together and am devastated over the thought of them being without their dad. :(

<Sigh>.....really struggling with this one..... I have not one doubt that my son and husband have to be separated. It came as an answer to fervent prayer. Just not sure what to do now?

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Its better for the children to have no contact with a dad than to end up dead by him one day.

I've received some excellent advice from the people on this message board. I'm not going to sugar coat things. Some things I don't know how to say right so I will just say it. Please don't be offended. First of all, I've been divorced and am going through a second one so please know that I understand what you are going through between choosing your husband or son.

One thing that I wanted to point out is that you owe it to your son to show him what a NORMAL marriage is suppose to be like and not one full of abuse. You don't want to teach your children that abuse is okay whatsoever. Abuse is a deal breaker to most people.

If I were in your shoes I would file for divorce on the basis of abuse and leave with the child. You want your child to know that you would do anything to protect him at all costs. Failure to protect your child from abuse by staying with an abuser is failing to protect him as a parent. Stand up for your child because honey the only person that can look out for his safety is you and child protective services.

This situation will ONLY get worse not better if you stay with your husband. Don't believe his empty promises because you'll regret it. No amount of anger management will work at this point because you'll always wonder in the back of your mind when is the next time your husband is going to abuse your son. How would you feel if your husband lost it so bad that he commited homicide toward your son? You wouldn't be able to live with yourself. And Your Ex Husband (sons dad) could possibly have you bought up on neglect charges. I am NOT being too extreme here.

Get a divorce. Take the children and get out. Thank the lucky stars that your ex filed a protective order against your husband because at least one person is standing up for your son at the moment.

It is about PROTECTING YOUR CHILDREN. YOU ARE THE MOTHER PLEASE DO THE RIGHT THING.

Keep us updated please.

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Ashley,

Was your Bishop aware of the abuse? Is he aware of the restraining order now?

I'm assuming that you were remarried when your son was 3.

How is your husband living up to his covenants if he's emotionally and physically abusing your son to the point that he now has a restraining order against him?

We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

Your husband does not sound like he is exercising his Priesthood using the guidlines the Lord has laid out.

No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile— Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy…" (D&C 121:41-43)

I myself am remarried (temple) with 4 children and my wife has never been married or had children of her own. I feel I have been very patient and understanding. She has gone from no marriage, no kids to 4 kids 3 of them teenagers. She has had the crash course in parenting and it’s been a challenge for her and a challenge for the kids. I have learned allot myself and recognized where I have been over protective and sometimes that can be just as bad as abuse. It’s one thing when someone hurts you it’s another when they are hurting someone you love and someone they should love.

I will not tolerate abuse of any kind. My kids did not choose my wife, I did and in the end I have to be the one to look out for them.

In your situation you also have two children together. The Bishop won’t ever council you to divorce him. That has to be your decision and you should take it up with Lord with prayer and fasting.

I have learned allot about forgiveness but I feel I've only scratched the surface. While I can place my burden upon the Lord, how can I place my childs burden on the Lord for him. In other words, is it possible to forgive someone for hurting someone else, someone I love? I don't know.

Your post hit close to home, so I'm not sure if there has been any value in my advice. There are others here whose opinion I respect allot and I'm looking forward to hopefully seeing more responses.

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Ashley,

In your situation you also have two children together. The Bishop won’t ever council you to divorce him. That has to be your decision and you should take it up with Lord with prayer and fasting.

.

Windseeker,

I've seen bishops recommend divorce in child abuse or spouse abuse cases before. Just a FYI

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I hate to be judgmental, and I am glad you finally realized that this was a dangerous situation, but I can't believe you let this go on for so long. It might still be if your ex didn't file the order. I would have never let anyone abuse my child, emotionally, verbally, or physically. If he didn't want my child, then he wouldn't have me.

Husband or child? No question.

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How many children altogether? Ages? All within your custody except the 10 year old son now?

Hi Forget-Me-Not. I have three children from my previous marriage: 14 year old twin girls and then my son. My husband and I have two children together: two girls, 8 and 4. Yes, the rest are with with me full-time with the older two having typical visitation with their dad.

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Ashley- I think I can understand your confusion. We put what "should be" before what is, and think as long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, things will work out. The problem is- your husband isn't doing what HE'S supposed to be doing, and there's nothing you can do to make him fix it. I've been in shoes similar to yours, only I had no child and was with a man who was abusing me. He kept telling me he would work on himself and would change his behavior- would see the bishop, go to counseling, etc. And I clung to that. I thought to myself- this is a man who wants to be better and is trying to overcome behavior that has been engrained into him due to his own terrible past- if I leave him, I'd be unforgiving and un-Christ-like. I should stay and help him and be by his side, do my part to be a good wife and the Lord will take care of the rest...

The problem with thinking that way is that it is faulty logic and reasoning. I was allowing myself to remain in a dangerous situation that could have cost me my life- and it sounds like you've used the same reasoning to justify staying with your husband and allowing this mistreatment of your son to continue. I'm not going to sugar coat this. Your husband is an abuser. He may not be abusing you or any of your other children, but he is abusing your ten-year-old son, and eventually he will find a reason to abuse the rest of you. It is part of the psychology of an abuser- they are never wrong and life would just be perfect if everyone around them did what they wanted, so they have to use force and fear to exhert control over the situation and make it the way they want. He's not going to stop if you keep "forgiving" him and letting this slide- because that way he's getting away with it.

Forgiving and leaving yourself and your children vulnerable do not need to go together. You can forgive him and still set limitations and do what you need to do to protect your child. NOBODY should have to go through what your husband is doing to your son, and as his mother you need to protect him. Your son can't defend himself. He is helpless. He can't set those limits or tell your husband "NO" when he takes things to far. You have to do it for him. You have to set the limits. You have to put a stop to this abusive behavior- because your husband isn't going to stop of his own free will, without a forceful incentive like the loss of his family.

I've been in shoes similar to yours. I can understand why you've delayed action and are confused about what to do. But you need a wake-up call. My wake up call was when my husband turned his abusive actions and behavior on our four-month-old baby and came close to hurting him. Until that point, I thought staying was the right thing to do, that our road would be rocky but it would come together as long as I stood by my husband and honored my covenants. Then I realized the danger I was putting my child in- that my husband could very likely have killed him in an act of rage- and I ran. And I've never looked back.

While you may not think your husband would ever kill your child, the fact that he would verbally abuse him and physically harm him just to exhert control and power over him means your son is in danger. You need to protect him, no matter the costs.

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I don't think it matters whether you have one child or ten, or what there ages are. One needs you to protect him. When it comes to safety (physical or otherwise), the answer to this question is always the child.

Does he really treat your other children fine, and just targets this one?

He's aware of the problem and he's been given adequate opportunity to fix it. It's past time for you to do what needs to be done.

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Ashley,

Was your Bishop aware of the abuse? Is he aware of the restraining order now?

I'm assuming that you were remarried when your son was 3.

How is your husband living up to his covenants if he's emotionally and physically abusing your son to the point that he now has a restraining order against him?

Your husband does not sound like he is exercising his Priesthood using the guidlines the Lord has laid out.

I myself am remarried (temple) with 4 children and my wife has never been married or had children of her own. I feel I have been very patient and understanding. She has gone from no marriage, no kids to 4 kids 3 of them teenagers. She has had the crash course in parenting and it’s been a challenge for her and a challenge for the kids. I have learned allot myself and recognized where I have been over protective and sometimes that can be just as bad as abuse. It’s one thing when someone hurts you it’s another when they are hurting someone you love and someone they should love.

I will not tolerate abuse of any kind. My kids did not choose my wife, I did and in the end I have to be the one to look out for them.

In your situation you also have two children together. The Bishop won’t ever council you to divorce him. That has to be your decision and you should take it up with Lord with prayer and fasting.

I have learned allot about forgiveness but I feel I've only scratched the surface. While I can place my burden upon the Lord, how can I place my childs burden on the Lord for him. In other words, is it possible to forgive someone for hurting someone else, someone I love? I don't know.

Your post hit close to home, so I'm not sure if there has been any value in my advice. There are others here whose opinion I respect allot and I'm looking forward to hopefully seeing more responses.

Hi Windseeker. Most of my bishops over the years have known one way or the other. It was probably my fault for downplaying it. My husband is a good provider and father for the most part to the rest of the kids (things started out rough with the twins at first but he has since learned to just leave them alone) and I didn't want to misrepresent him if I was over reacting. But all of them have know how I felt with regards to his stewardship of the family and my son in particular.

I appreciate your words on forgiveness and I think that is what I struggle with the most. But you can forgive someone and still not want them in your life right? I suppose the guilt of trying to do the right thing all the time for everyone can eat away at you.

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I was going to answer each response individually and then realized that this may be easier. Thank you all so much for taking the time to answer me honestly ... even those not sugar coating it. :) Sometimes when you feel that you are overreacting or going against direct counsel its necessary to get the opinions of others and realize that things are need of a change...and now.

Just to give a few more details. My husband treats the youngest in our family like gold. Pure gold. The next to youngest a little better but there is still a dis-paring difference. The older two girls he has learned to just leave alone for the most part. It is mainly my son and a whole lot of jabs to his biological father. Each time he has gotten into the face of any of my kids I get right back in his but then feel guilty because he does a lot for our family. I don't have to work and he is a great provider and to everyone else i finally have the allusion of a full family....which was something that I lacked for a long time. My first husband was not a member of the church.

So now that my son and husband are separated there is not chance for the abuse to continue with him. Do I leave base on the fact that it may start up with the youngest? Do I leave to show my son that I will choose him over my husband? I know this may seem redundant and I apologize ahead of time....but should I feel justified in leaving based on things of the past now that it looks like they are not going to be a problem of the future?

Fasting and prayer are necessary there. Does anyone ever feel like they can't trust that they will know what they lord wants of them? I am so terrified of making yet another decision that displeases the lord. :(

Again, thank you ALL for all that you have posted. It really means a lot to me...

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But you can forgive someone and still not want them in your life right?

YES! Please do not feel guilty or like you have not forgiven him when you only do what is right and safe for your children. Forgiveness does not mean being a doormat. If someone steals from you, you can forgive them- but does that mean you trust them with your wallet? No. You protect yourself from becoming victimized again.

Forgiving your husband does not mean you have to let him avoid the consequences for his behavior either. Domestic violence is not only wrong morally, but against the law. If there is physical evidence he's harmed your son, you would be obligated by law to report him, or if someone else does you could lose custody of your children on grounds of neglect. Does reporting him mean you haven't forgiven him? Of course not. He has to suffer the consequences for his actions, and you have to protect your family. If he never has to face the consequences, he will never really "learn" that his behavior is wrong, and it will continue.

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Ashley- I think I can understand your confusion. We put what "should be" before what is, and think as long as I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, things will work out. The problem is- your husband isn't doing what HE'S supposed to be doing, and there's nothing you can do to make him fix it. I've been in shoes similar to yours, only I had no child and was with a man who was abusing me. He kept telling me he would work on himself and would change his behavior- would see the bishop, go to counseling, etc. And I clung to that. I thought to myself- this is a man who wants to be better and is trying to overcome behavior that has been engrained into him due to his own terrible past- if I leave him, I'd be unforgiving and un-Christ-like. I should stay and help him and be by his side, do my part to be a good wife and the Lord will take care of the rest...

The problem with thinking that way is that it is faulty logic and reasoning. I was allowing myself to remain in a dangerous situation that could have cost me my life- and it sounds like you've used the same reasoning to justify staying with your husband and allowing this mistreatment of your son to continue. I'm not going to sugar coat this. Your husband is an abuser. He may not be abusing you or any of your other children, but he is abusing your ten-year-old son, and eventually he will find a reason to abuse the rest of you. It is part of the psychology of an abuser- they are never wrong and life would just be perfect if everyone around them did what they wanted, so they have to use force and fear to exhert control over the situation and make it the way they want. He's not going to stop if you keep "forgiving" him and letting this slide- because that way he's getting away with it.

Forgiving and leaving yourself and your children vulnerable do not need to go together. You can forgive him and still set limitations and do what you need to do to protect your child. NOBODY should have to go through what your husband is doing to your son, and as his mother you need to protect him. Your son can't defend himself. He is helpless. He can't set those limits or tell your husband "NO" when he takes things to far. You have to do it for him. You have to set the limits. You have to put a stop to this abusive behavior- because your husband isn't going to stop of his own free will, without a forceful incentive like the loss of his family.

I've been in shoes similar to yours. I can understand why you've delayed action and are confused about what to do. But you need a wake-up call. My wake up call was when my husband turned his abusive actions and behavior on our four-month-old baby and came close to hurting him. Until that point, I thought staying was the right thing to do, that our road would be rocky but it would come together as long as I stood by my husband and honored my covenants. Then I realized the danger I was putting my child in- that my husband could very likely have killed him in an act of rage- and I ran. And I've never looked back.

While you may not think your husband would ever kill your child, the fact that he would verbally abuse him and physically harm him just to exhert control and power over him means your son is in danger. You need to protect him, no matter the costs.

And wow....this is exactly how I feel. Thank you...

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I hate to think of the limited contact my kids have with their real dad. (They can only see him when a thrid party is there.)

It breaks my heart since they love him so much, however bishops, counslors, friends, anf family say that they are better off without him.

It's a super hard think to deal with and inforce, but abuse is abuse, he may have only done it to his step son, but you never know when it might start with the real children. Take your kids and get away.

Hey, he might even start abusing you, you never know.

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Just to give a few more details. My husband treats the youngest in our family like gold. Pure gold. The next to youngest a little better but there is still a dis-paring difference. The older two girls he has learned to just leave alone for the most part. It is mainly my son and a whole lot of jabs to his biological father. Each time he has gotten into the face of any of my kids I get right back in his but then feel guilty because he does a lot for our family. I don't have to work and he is a great provider and to everyone else i finally have the allusion of a full family....which was something that I lacked for a long time. My first husband was not a member of the church.

So now that my son and husband are separated there is not chance for the abuse to continue with him. Do I leave base on the fact that it may start up with the youngest? Do I leave to show my son that I will choose him over my husband?

I disagree with the whole idea of internet-based groupthink diagnosis, which is what you've been experiencing here. I also disagree with people telling a woman to leave her "abusive" husband when the supposed "abuse" has not been established.

If I understand you correctly -- and I admit I may not -- your husband's "abuse" of your son comprises:

  • He engaged in unspecified actions that you characterize as "emotional abuse".
  • He speaks impatiently and sometimes unkindly to your son, accusing him of being "the problem" in your marriage.
  • He spanked your son when your son was younger.
  • He physically restrained your son recently, which involved twisting his arm behind his back in a "chicken wing" maneuver*.

To my ears, this does not rise to the level of abuse. I don't necessarily condone his actions, especially telling a child that he is the cause of his parents' marital difficulties (even though sometimes it's true...). But the term "abuse" gets thrown around entirely too much today, in my opinion. Perhaps I'm naive, but I suspect that half or more of the claims of "abuse" are nothing of the sort, which cheapens and lessens the actual claims of abuse that are made.

*I note that your objection to your husband's chicken-winging your son was in your son's "promising hockey career". A word to the wise: Your son will never play professional hockey. And if you think a broken arm or wrist will destroy a potential hockey career, then you don't understand the nature of hockey.

This is not to dismiss your husband's actions. Physical action against a child is normally not a good idea, and the older the child, the less of a good idea it is. But based on your description (and I'm not willing to accept at face value your unqualified judgment of "emotional abuse" against your husband), I am not convinced his stated misbehavior rises to the level of abuse. And I most certainly would not be calling for you to divorce him -- a shocking and explicitly unchristian thing for anyone to say without hard evidence of abusive behavior, especially on an anonymous discussion list.

I do not mean to minimize what has happened. Perhaps your husband really has been abusive to your son; in that case, you must act appropriately. But many today are only too quick to cry "Abuse! Leave the scumbag!" over any perceived slight. My opinion will not be popular, but there you have it. Please think very carefully before condemning or abandoning your husband. If he's abusive, leave -- but make sure it's that he's really being abusive, and not just that you are mad at him.

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So now that my son and husband are separated there is not chance for the abuse to continue with him. Do I leave base on the fact that it may start up with the youngest? Do I leave to show my son that I will choose him over my husband? I know this may seem redundant and I apologize ahead of time....but should I feel justified in leaving based on things of the past now that it looks like they are not going to be a problem of the future?

From what you've described, I believe it is possible the abuse was a confined incident and that it won't spread. It sounds like your husband had a hard time accepting a child that wasn't his, especially a male child. If you are really okay with not having custody of your son and feel that he is safe where he is, then you don't really need to leave now- since no one else's safety is in jeapordy. However, I would keep my eyes peeled for any possible abusive behavior targeting your daughters from your previous marriage- as they will most likely be the next targets if the abuse does spread.

This website has a lot of good information about what constitutes abuse, what you can watch for, how you can prepare yourself to leave if necessary, and where you can get help. I suggest studying it thoroughly before making a decision, and taking this matter to the Lord in prayer. You need to be able to recognize it and act fast if this spreads to you or your other children.

The fact that your husband would mistreat your son is a major red-flag, in my mind, that there are other problems you are going to face should you stay with him. If he believes what he did was okay and justifiable, what other similar acts will he justify? You do not HAVE to leave, since no one is in danger right now, but there needs to be some serious evaluation and I think your husband needs to face some kind of reprecussions for his behavior or he will continue down this path he's paving.

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Vort,

I know that leaving is not always the best advice, but with abuse it typically is. I spent 10 years trying to fix an abusive marrige. He changed for a while then always went back to abuse. Everyone I know that has had and abusive relationship has had it end, one way or another. If this child could have a broken arm, then he was abused, period. A smack on the bum is one thing, I have done that, but a possible broken arm, leave.....sorry, but I still am facing consiquences and so are my children from abuse, and he wasn't even physically abusive, much, mostly emotional. Still very difficult, I still struggle thinking I don't deserve my (current) husband. I don't feel good enough for him.

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Vort, I admit I get a knee-jerk reaction reading your response, but your advice is sound. I think I personally tend to go red and jump into protect mode any time I see something that even remotely resembles abuse, due to my own experience with it. As such, I may over-react in situations where there really isn't enough information to know if someone has actually been abusive or if the one complaining is blowing things out of proportion.

However, it has also been my experience that those who are experiencing abuse will minimize it and hide the details because they are afraid to share how bad it really is. They tend to leave hints and pieces while they try to justify staying with the abuser- that it's "not that bad". And I've been finding that there are far more people who have been through abusive situtions than we would care to think.

Because it is so hard to tell, for certain, if the situation is as bad as it sounds- I tend to prefer advising people to leave on a trial basis. Put distance between yourself and the possible abuser for safety- give that person a chance to make restitution by attending anger management classes, going to therapy, or some other means of actually making the effort to correct the wrongful behavior, and then decide whether you want to return or go through with a divorce based on that responsiveness.

I admit it is hard to find that middle ground though and not have that knee-jerk "divorce the scumbag" reaction you've described, because it is hard not to equate what someone else is describing to what I've been through personally. Though others may not agree with your advice, I think it is good to see someone posting the more cautious approach- to keep things in perspective and make sure nobody is overreacting.

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Yes you can forgive someone and actually we are commanded to forgive everyone. But that does not mean subjecting yourself and especially your child to harm, emotional or physical.

Every guideline I’ve read inside and outside the church recommends in blended families that the step-parent “step” aside when it comes to disciplining the children and leave that up to the Birth parent. They don’t have the Love, they don’t have the Patience.

Abusers often single people out and take their frustrations out on that single individual. Sometimes they even go out of their way to show exaggerated kindness to others they don't abuse. It makes you think there is something really wrong with the person they are abusing and in a way allows you them and others to excuse it.

When we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.”

Your children need to know that abuse is no longer tolerated or excused.

as a side note..

Your son is going to need to learn responsibility, don't let the guilt of what he's gone thru lure you into being overnurturing or overindulgent. Like I said that can be far worse than abuse. Many people experience abuse and go on to be highly successful. Those who are overnutured or overindulged rarely do and suffer their whole life

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So now that my son and husband are separated there is not chance for the abuse to continue with him

No that's also abuse, due to your husbands behavior he has permenantly seperated you from your son. He is free of your son and can continue withholding attention, love, and forgiveness. Does your husband believe that now that your son is gone the spirit is in the home?

I know anyone can get a restraining order, but I do think that indicates a serious serious problem. The fact your husband treats your son the way he does and the other kids like gold, the evil things he said to your son about how things are better when he's not around and making him feel he's not welcome or loved is abuse plain and simple. Has he ever aplogized to your son?

I have no doubt you love your son. I'm sorrry this happens.

Your husband should know by now not to cut down your previous husband especially in front of the kids. It might make him feel good but only makes him look pathetic.

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Guest mirancs8

First let me say I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

I feel like I'm missing something here. So you told us everything you felt and said but can you tell us afterwards what was the discussions between you and your husband. I know you got very angry but was it at all discussed after it happened and you both calmed down? What is your husband side of this? Feel like there is more to this story.

Reading all these comments I can't help but think how I as well as my friends were raised. Boy the things our parents did to us back then... they would have all been put in jail if they did those things today. I remember when I was a child and one of the neighborhood boys was throwing rocks at this guys house. The guy came out put the kid in a lock dragged him down the street to his house and told his father what he did. Right there the father beat the dickens out of his kid.

I can't tell you how many times I witnessed a mother taking off her high heal shoe and tossing clear across the room at her child cause she couldn't run fast enough to catch the kid.

I really don't know what to say to you advice wise other then you spend time discussing this with your husband. It's important that you and your husband communicate about this incident because there can be more to this situation.

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Reading all these comments I can't help but think how I as well as my friends were raised. Boy the things our parents did to us back then... they would have all been put in jail if they did those things today. I remember when I was a child and one of the neighborhood boys was throwing rocks at this guys house. The guy came out put the kid in a lock dragged him down the street to his house and told his father what he did. Right there the father beat the dickens out of his kid.

I can't tell you how many times I witnessed a mother taking off her high heal shoe and tossing clear across the room at her child cause she couldn't run fast enough to catch the kid.

I really don't know what to say to you advice wise other then you spend time discussing this with your husband. It's important that you and your husband communicate about this incident because there can be more to this situation.

I do not remember any of that kind of stuff. What I do remember is if we did something dangerous like playing with matches my father lined us up and use the belt on our pant covered rear ends. Generally once each and that was very very rarely. My mom would swat our bottoms if we were being rotten kids but it never hurt. On the other hand our principle at the grade school used the paddle rather often.

There is a time for more serious punishments but if they are dealt out to just one kid and commonly at that then something is wrong.

Edited by annewandering
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