Trying to love my BIL


Bini
 Share

Recommended Posts

In one word; bleh! That's how I'd describe my BIL. :)

This man just grates on me. He's in his 40's and lives at home rent free. He's a moocher and takes advantage of the family but I seem to be the only one that is bothered by it. I don't like visiting the inlaws because he's always there and has his live-in girlfriend pawing all over him. This is the second girlfriend within a year. The first girlfriend (who was/is married to another man) decided to get her act together. This is not a lifestyle I approve of or want to expose my daughter to. I know she's just a baby right now but visiting the inlaws is never going to stop. My husband is very close with his family and loves his brother even though he's a complete idiot. On top of that, I just find my BIL to be offensive. He thinks it's sooo incredibly funny that DH has t-shirts older than I am. Big whoop! And I can't stand his caveman comments either. He literally gives me the creeps on top of being annoying. Since giving birth I've nursed pretty much everywhere — stores and restuarants. No biggie. But I don't dare do it at my inlaws because I'd be setting myself up with him around. He's so immature.

I know all that sounds like a load of hate. And honestly, I don't hate him but I'm finding it hard to love him, as I'm commanded to by the Lord. Whenever there's family get-togethers, I do my best to subtly avoid him. Make small conversation and leave it at that. But this last Thanksgiving as DH and I are leaving, my other BIL offers to watch baby if we ever need a night out. Then my annoying BIL says, "Yeh because X doesn't have a life haha!". I lost it. What do you mean he doesn't have a life? He has a fulltime job and supports 3 kids! You don't have a job and you live at home! What. The. Heck. I know you don't get bees with vinegar or whatever that stupid saying is. But really?

So anyway. I'm not a fan of BIL. I don't like him holding my daughter. Because I don't like him. He grates on me. I know I need to be "nicer". However, it isn't coming naturally to me when it comes to him. Oh and PS. I don't like his girlfriend holding my daughter either! She has a dirty mouth and drops words that I'd never say unless I happened to stub my big toe. I got a good backbone but I'm finding it hard to snatch baby away from them when everyone else in the family gets to hold her. I mean, what do I say? NO, no you can't hold her! Srsly. Hoping Christmas will be better.

Any encouraging words to help me get over myself? "Just do it" isn't helpful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I used to dread going to my in-laws too. Here's my BIL: How many dogs did you eat today?

SERIOUSLY. He can be such an idiot.

He spent his mission in Ecuador and he always tries to speak to me in Spanish. Uh, hello... Filipinos don't speak Spanish.

Lots of idiot things like that.

And then there's my husband's BIL who used to live with his parents and he is kinda like your BIL.

And then my MIL is always trying to convert me to LDS (I was Catholic then).

I know "Just do it" isn't helpful. But, there's really no other way to get over it. If I really don't want to talk to BIL, I don't. But, at the same time, if the topic of conversation is "safe" enough, I would tamp down my flight-instinct and sit through it. What helped me a lot though is my husband. He knows how I feel. I don't deal with his family. I let him deal with them. For example - if I'm uncomfortable about the baby, I tell my husband and he gets to run interference. If the BIL is there, I wouldn't do a "pass the baby around" thing. I would just say, I don't feel comfortable about it today. If they throw a fit, I let my husband deal with it since he's the one who knows them well. It's the same with my family. My Filipino culture sometimes clashes with my husband so I get to run interference too. I think the biggest problem my husband has is when my family asks for money and just expects me to hand it over without consulting with my husband. It's such a Filipino thing to do that is just not something Americans do. And I always feel caught between a rock and a hard place - wanting to give my family money, yet knowing that my husband don't agree that it's the best use of our money at that point in time. But, my husband doesn't deal with my family - I get to do it. And if I really want to do what my family wants, then I get to figure out a way to convince my husband and make him feel better about it - like setting me up a family allowance in the budget...

Did this make any sense at all?

Anyway, after 14 years of being married, it all seems water under the bridge now. Everybody has matured and we know each other better now.

Edited by anatess
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ugh.....he screams slimeball, if you ask me! I had a co-worker like that, and whe I brought my baby (years ago) to work to show her off, I didn't think about this slimeball holding her, but it happened. I think I made and excuse and went and washed her up after that.

Your husband is never going to stop going there, and it was one thing when it was just you, now you have a baby. Makes it harder.

I wish I had some good advice. All I can say is to go there as little as possible, make other plans right after your visit, so you have a time limit for being there.

Edited by Jennarator
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This may sound trite, but in a sense, it is easier to love the unloveable than to like them. Love is impossible in ourselves, so we give such people the love of God that is in us. "Heavenly Father, help me to love BIL today, in Jesus' name, amen."

The good news is that you do not have to like him. It's okay that you find him difficult. You are not sinning by finding him hard to respect, and unpleasant to be around. Jesus does not require us to "click" with everyone. Also, if the "creepy" factor turns into a real concern, your role as a protective mother will trump your goal of making nice.

So, don't just do it. Let God do it through you, and accept no guilt for your God-given personality, which finds this guy so difficult. Sometimes that intuition is laced with God-given discernment.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ask Pam how she handles this. Her 2-years younger sister is married to the biggest jerk I have ever known.

I have no idea who my 2 years younger sister is. I have an almost 3 1/2 years younger sister and yes. She is married to the biggest jerk I have ever known. :lol:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The baby is yours. Tell him to take a bath and wash out his mind then he can be around and hold your baby.

Does your husband actually like the brother as well as love him? He might not like him much better than you do but has family loyalty to him, which is lovely of him. :)

If you have such bad vibes from him just trust your motherly instincts and keep your baby safe. If needed you can plead baby is tired or hungry and take baby to the car for a bit of quiet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest mormonmusic
Hidden

Talk about it with your hubby, and avoid your BIL and visits to the family as much as you can. Try to see the good in him. Try to see his worldview even though you don't agree with it. Try to look at him with charity and someone who can be more than he is.

Link to comment

"Know thyself" -- inscribed on the Temple of Apollo at Delphi (okay, it was actually ΓΝΩΘΙ ΣΑΥΤΟΝ)

Though the intended meaning of a the phrase is a little different then how most English speakers would take it phrased that way. It's about understanding your place, avoiding hubris, rather than a more general self awareness.

Though it works both ways for this instance.

Sorry, I'm paying for classes, I gotta find some way to make them relevant. :D

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Anatess, I love your strong sense of family loyalty. I need to follow your example and Just Do It. But the good news is, I'm a lot closer to my MIL these days. I've forgiven her of something I felt was unforgiveable (this happened last year if you recall) and since having baby, she's surprisingly come around and in a helpful way.

This may sound trite, but in a sense, it is easier to love the unloveable than to like them. Love is impossible in ourselves, so we give such people the love of God that is in us. "Heavenly Father, help me to love BIL today, in Jesus' name, amen."

The good news is that you do not have to like him. It's okay that you find him difficult. You are not sinning by finding him hard to respect, and unpleasant to be around. Jesus does not require us to "click" with everyone.

Yeh, it's really hard for me to be around him. But I appreciate your post. This makes sense.

Here are some fun and useful videos about dealing with difficult family members (and other people) during the holidays. I got some great tricks for responding to my husband's tactless family all year long!

Brave Girls Club | Blog | Perfectly IMPERFECT Holiday Relationships w FAMILY and FRIENDS.....you gotta watch these videos!

Thanks. I'll have to look at that link. Sounds like there's a lot of amusement to be had! :D

Ask Pam how she handles this. Her 2-years younger sister is married to the biggest jerk I have ever known.

Hrmm.. I can't imagine who this BIL you speak of could be..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share