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acostaroad

Re-marrying after a Death

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Hi, I'm hoping to to be enlightened on a matter. A man died in a car accident leaving behind a lovely 24 year old wife. They had no children and had been married for about 3 years. They'd had a Temple Marriage. I'm sure that one day the sister will want to remarry as she is so young now. What are the ramifications of her remarrying and raising children that she and her new husband will both love, as it relates to her first husband that she is sealed to? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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Friends of mine were in a similar position. She married, had a child, and was widowed after a very short time, a year or so. She then married her deceased husband's best friend.

How would it be to be married to a woman who is sealed to another man (your close friend, to boot), whose child you have legally adopted and yet "belongs" not to you but to him -- and, if our understanding of the doctrine is correct, YOUR OWN CHILDREN are born, not in your covenant, but that of your wife and her first husband? I don't know.

But I do know that God is good, kind, and just. I do not believe, even for a moment, that a righteous man who marries a woman, loves her and cares for her and her children, and brings children into the world with her, will be relegated to some sort of divine consolation prize.

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I, personally, (and this is totally my own personal opinion) would not want to remarry. If I was married to a good man, no matter how young I was widowed, I would be faithful to my husband, and wait for the blessings of eternity.

Just to be clear: There is nothing unfaithful about a widow remarrying.

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I, personally, (and this is totally my own personal opinion) would not want to remarry. If I was married to a good man, no matter how young I was widowed, I would be faithful to my husband, and wait for the blessings of eternity.

I can respect that.

My thoughts though are. Let's say I was 21, sealed to a young man that was a soldier in Iraq. He was killed in battle. Do I wait for the next 60 or so years till I die or do I enjoy a life of companionship that could also mean raising a family?

If I remarried am I being unfaithful? Nope. I would still get the blessings of eternity with my husband who died.

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Does the same standard apply to men? I was under the assumption that a widower may re-marry if he wishes. I know I saw a talk given by a leader in the church earlier this year in which the man was on his second marriage because his first wife died. Is he sealed to his first wife only? To both wives? If only to one, then what happens to the other wife?

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If I was 21 and married to a 21 year old man, and we were husband and wife for eternity, then I died, I would expect him to be faithful to me. I don't think it would be cool for him to find another woman just to get him thru a few years of what would otherwise be celebacy. I think that marrying for eternity should be just that. If it's not, then why are we even getting married for time and eternity, if it really means, as soon as you die I'm going to find a different woman? That would be til death do us part, in my opinion. What separates us from any other christian wedding? And age shouldn't matter in my opinion. We are talking about eternity!

Please understand that this is my own personal opinion.

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That is really a personal opinion. There certainly is no law saying she cant remarry, still there are any number of women who would feel unfaithful if they remarried.

To clarify: In the eyes of both the law and the gospel, there is no infidelity involved when a widow remarries.

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Of course not, but I can understand and even agree with the other line of thinking. FOR ME, my husband and I stayed chaste and pure and have been the one and only for each other. I'm not saying that remarrying would take away that chastity or purity, but FOR ME, I would prefer to keep that between us. My situation is such that we are surrounded by a lot of family, including many good priesthood holders, who could be great male role models to my children. As for me, I am pretty capable and independent and while I don't have any illusion that it would be easy, I could do it. My heart is his and his alone, and I can't, FOR MYSELF, wrap my brain around giving my heart to another and then going back to him when this life is over. Yes, I know there will be so much we can't understand now and etc etc etc, but my choice would be to wait to be reunited with him, and choose to not remove my ring, date, or remarry.

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Of course not, but I can understand and even agree with the other line of thinking. FOR ME, my husband and I stayed chaste and pure and have been the one and only for each other. I'm not saying that remarrying would take away that chastity or purity, but FOR ME, I would prefer to keep that between us. My situation is such that we are surrounded by a lot of family, including many good priesthood holders, who could be great male role models to my children. As for me, I am pretty capable and independent and while I don't have any illusion that it would be easy, I could do it. My heart is his and his alone, and I can't, FOR MYSELF, wrap my brain around giving my heart to another and then going back to him when this life is over. Yes, I know there will be so much we can't understand now and etc etc etc, but my choice would be to wait to be reunited with him, and choose to not remove my ring, date, or remarry.

I feel just the same. We have been married for 40 years though so it is probably easier for me, although it was a decision I made long long ago.

What is right for one is not for another though and, like you, Eowyn, I respect that.

I just can not imagine me marrying another person then leaving them at death. Marriage is such a huge commitment emotionally.

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My husband and I have actually talked about this. If I died, and my husband was widowed, I would want him to remarry. I wouldn't want him to be alone. I'd want him to have companionship--someone to share life's experiences with, someone to help him in his priesthood callings, someone he could love, someone he could share a couples mission with. I have told him that if he did remarry, I would want it to be with a woman who has a strong testimony of the gospel--please don't marry outside of the church.

And he feels the same for me if I should be the one widowed. He wouldn't want me to be alone. He would want me to have a companion.

This may not be a popular idea, but I believe it's possible to love more than one person. Everything will be taken care of in the next life.

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All the post here service to point out that their really isn't a wrong answer to this question. There might be a 'wrong for you and your situation' answer, but that is a personal thing and should not be universally applied to different people to whom it might not work for.

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Posted (edited) · Hidden
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I don't think it would be cool for him to find another woman just to get him thru a few years of what would otherwise be celebacy.

I daresay marrying someone just to be a 'cure/solution' for celibacy isn't a 'cool' reason no matter what number marriage we are talking about.

Edited by Dravin

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What are the ramifications of her remarrying and raising children that she and her new husband will both love, as it relates to her first husband that she is sealed to? Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I discussed a similar matter recently with a member of the Bountiful Temple Presidency. Children born under the covenant follow the mother they were born to. A child fathered by a second husband would be granted the blessings of being born under covenant, but not necessarily bound to the first husband. These are situations that will not be sorted out in this life, but will have to be sorted out later. When the woman and second husband pass away, they can be sealed to each other (current policy allows for women to be sealed to multiple husbands if all are deceased), and choices can be made in the hereafter as to lineage links. No one faithful - neither the first husband, the second husband, the woman in question, or any of the children - will be denied the blessings of eternal companionship and family. But there will be some 'sorting out' to be done later. I haven't heard anyone (with authority) presume they know how that will happen, other than to reassure us it will be more than fair.

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Does the same standard apply to men? I was under the assumption that a widower may re-marry if he wishes. I know I saw a talk given by a leader in the church earlier this year in which the man was on his second marriage because his first wife died. Is he sealed to his first wife only? To both wives? If only to one, then what happens to the other wife?

Shelly, ryanh answered part of your question, but this is how I understanding marriage and sealings for men and women.

The man, who is the priesthood holder can be sealed while alive to multiple women, in all monogamous married relationships (as long as a woman has not been previously sealed to another man). The woman while alive can only be sealed to one man, in a married relationship. But a deceased woman can be sealed by proxy to all men that she had been married to in life, and all men that she had been married to must also be deceased. Eternal choices would then be made in the after life.

M.

Edited by Maureen

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I agree that a widow remarrying is not being unfaithful.

However, I personally am not fond of the idea of remarrying if my husband were to die. Would there be lonely days? Yes, of course. But I cannot imagine giving my heart to another as I have with my husband. He is my bestfriend and more. That doesn't mean that I couldn't find happiness with another man but I know myself. If I were to seek companionship after being widowed, it would only be to get me through the following years without my true love. That certainly isn't fair to the man that I would have become involved with, which is why I said I know myself because anyone else would be second fiddle. Not everyone thinks or feels that way but I do.

On the other hand, my husband feels differently. We have almost a 20 years age difference. We had our first child back in September and we are planning on one more child to complete our family. After this, DH will undergo a vasectomy to ensure we don't have any unplanned pregnancies thereafter. I had told him that I could just as easily get my tubes tied but he was very opposed to that idea. He told me that if he were to die, and I ever chose to remarry, I may want to have more children. The whole thing seriously gave my stomach knots.. So then we got on the whole topic of "I never want to remarry if you die". He tells me that he absolutely would want me to remarry and find someone to live a full life with if he were to die. It just brought tears to my eyes.

Anyway, there is no right or wrong on this subject. It is a personal decision.

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Well, from personal experience here - I was widowed at 37. Our son was 14. For awhile, I thought it best not to remarry because being a teen is hard enough without bringing a stranger into the family dynamic. I'd also heard enough about men not being happy having children, and especially teen males, around from the 1st marriage. I thought it best to wait through high school.

When he went to college, I thought I could date, but found my head was in a different place than it was when I was in my 20's. I didn't want to go to bars, I didn't have a lot of luck with personal sites, it was just better to concentrate on work. As time passed, I realized that men my age come with baggage, namely children. I no longer wanted little kids about. I didn't want some scarred from divorce, angry, teen messing up the relationship. I also started to see the truth behind the marriages of some of my parents' friends - financial shenanigans, infidelity, general male idiocy, etc.

Now when I look around, a lot of men my age have grand children. That's OK, but they seem to want to hang around these grand kids all the time and not do anything else. I'm in the beginning of a new career, very excited about what I do, and, contrary to what my son sometimes says, I'm not ready for the retirement home just yet. It seems many older men just have no interests and no life. They don't keep themselves up and look awful.

None of this has anything to do with being an eternal companion, but with what I did and didn't want to put up with here on earth. I miss my husband. I wish he were here, but he ain't. That said, I'm not remarried because he was some kind of saint (no pun intended), but because it just wasn't worth the effort.

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Well, from personal experience here - I was widowed at 37. Our son was 14. For awhile, I thought it best not to remarry because being a teen is hard enough without bringing a stranger into the family dynamic. I'd also heard enough about men not being happy having children, and especially teen males, around from the 1st marriage. I thought it best to wait through high school.

When he went to college, I thought I could date, but found my head was in a different place than it was when I was in my 20's. I didn't want to go to bars, I didn't have a lot of luck with personal sites, it was just better to concentrate on work. As time passed, I realized that men my age come with baggage, namely children. I no longer wanted little kids about. I didn't want some scarred from divorce, angry, teen messing up the relationship. I also started to see the truth behind the marriages of some of my parents' friends - financial shenanigans, infidelity, general male idiocy, etc.

Now when I look around, a lot of men my age have grand children. That's OK, but they seem to want to hang around these grand kids all the time and not do anything else. I'm in the beginning of a new career, very excited about what I do, and, contrary to what my son sometimes says, I'm not ready for the retirement home just yet. It seems many older men just have no interests and no life. They don't keep themselves up and look awful.

None of this has anything to do with being an eternal companion, but with what I did and didn't want to put up with here on earth. I miss my husband. I wish he were here, but he ain't. That said, I'm not remarried because he was some kind of saint (no pun intended), but because it just wasn't worth the effort.

Dahlia, have you ever considered the possibility that the strong negativity towards men in general may deter those that are worth getting to know? A self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts?

If my wife had exuded 1/10th of that gender bias when I met her, there would have been no second date.

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acostaroad - I was in this exact situation. I was widowed at 26 after having been married (sealed in the temple) for only a short time. We had no children. At the time I was devastated and wholly devoted to my deceased husband. I thought I would live my life single and just "wait" till we were reunited. Over time, I healed and the Lord brought a wonderful man into my life. We were sealed in the temple shortly before our 1st child was born. I had to request special permission for the first sealing to be cancelled so that I could be sealed to my 2nd husband. That IS something the church allows for and I'm sure it is done on an individual basis and is not openly discussed out of reverence.

It is entirely up to this girl to choose what to do when the time comes. She is not "stuck" because she was sealed to someone who is now deceased. The Lord knows that circumstances change and He allows for that.

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acostaroad - I was in this exact situation. I was widowed at 26 after having been married (sealed in the temple) for only a short time. We had no children. At the time I was devastated and wholly devoted to my deceased husband. I thought I would live my life single and just "wait" till we were reunited. Over time, I healed and the Lord brought a wonderful man into my life. We were sealed in the temple shortly before our 1st child was born. I had to request special permission for the first sealing to be cancelled so that I could be sealed to my 2nd husband. That IS something the church allows for and I'm sure it is done on an individual basis and is not openly discussed out of reverence.

It is entirely up to this girl to choose what to do when the time comes. She is not "stuck" because she was sealed to someone who is now deceased. The Lord knows that circumstances change and He allows for that.

Thank you for this information. It does answer a few questions we have had.

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Heh - I already let my wife know that she's free to remarry if I die. In fact, I picked a suitable replacement early on in our marriage, and made her promise to at least consider dating him.

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Heh - I already let my wife know that she's free to remarry if I die. In fact, I picked a suitable replacement early on in our marriage, and made her promise to at least consider dating him.

How did she react to your picking a replacement?

I have told my husband that I have no problem with him remarrying although all things considered it isnt likely he would. I would worry a lot about him if he didnt. :(

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