Holiday Blues?


JudoMinja
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I don't know if I'm really looking for advice or comfort or something else entirely, but... well several of you here know me better than anyone else in my life knows me, and I figure writing about this here will at the very least help me get this off my chest and maybe sort things out emotionally. I feel like I'm suffering a bout of holiday blues, probably brought on because I don't have enough to keep me busy during the break and I'm not exactly where I'd like to be in life right now. Normally I can handle a little bit of a down period fine- everybody goes through moments of depression and I'm a pretty optimistic person- good at looking at the positive side and putting a good spin on things to get myself out of a rut, but this one is.. confusing me.

See, as this bout of blues is setting in, I keep finding myself thinking about my ex and I... miss him. The man absolutely terrifies me, and I would be running if he was even in the same state as me, but instead of thinking about potential dates and the "single pool" I could be getting to know in my area, I keep thinking about the things that first attracted me to him, before things turned bad. And I'm finding myself wondering if he's managed to get himself straight.. or if he's going to be lonely this Christmas.

I want to be able to share with him what a joy his son is, want to talk to him about wrestling and judo, am remembering our walks in the park, reading scriptures together, talking about superheros, his cooking, how protective he was of me, how his strength and size used to make me feel safe and comforted instead of afraid, and am wishing things had worked out differently. That I'd known then the things I know now and maybe had been a better help to him.

But at the same thing I'm having these thoughts of saddness and regret, the whole idea fills me with fear. I can't ever contact this man. He's tried to kill me... And even if he has turned around, I'd be too afraid for anything to ever work out between us. And if he hasn't turned around... giving him access to my number, or email, or any way of contacting me or finding out where I am would just be the stupidest thing I could ever do.

So, why am I missing him now, why am I getting depressed over him when I haven't seen him in over two years and even the thought of seeing him scares the crap out of me? It doesn't make any sense. Maybe it's some kind of delayed reaction... some part of recovering from the broken relationship, but it just feels so weird and unnatural, and it's turning me into a big jumble of emotions that I just can't sort out.

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Do you think you might be in the next stage of grief? Grief over the loss of all the potential and enjoyment you had in the beginnings of your marriage?

After writing it out, I think that's probably exactly what I'm going through, but it still confuses me why I'd be feeling such grief when the grief alone brings up memories that also fill me with fear and dread. It's like polar opposites both trying to exist in me emotionally at the same time.

If I'm going to feel depressed, I should feel depressed about things that make sense- like simply being lonely because I don't have a relationship right now, or feeling inadequate because I can't seem to get an interview for a better paying job, or sad because I can't afford to do much of anything for Christmas for my family, or missing my college friends... there are any number of things I could be feeling depressed about- things I could all understand and shake myself out of because they make sense and I could give them all that bright "twist" to start thinking positive again.

The more I try to make sense of missing him though, the more it seems to hurt and I can't just shake it off like I do when other things start to get to me.

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I'm going to agree with Anne on this one. I think you are missing the lost potential. First of all your ex has had a huge impact on your life. Despite that impact being mostly negative and you needing to break free, it left a huge void in your life. The mind is a interesting thing in that it will try to predict the future and fill in the blanks it can't see. It does so by using what it already knows. Thus your ex is popping up quite easily. This should fade as time passes, and more distance is gained from him, and you begin to redefine your life without him being its focus. This will give your mind other ways to fill in the blanks.

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Guest mirancs8

JudoMinja,

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so blue and I completely understand the feeling. I too was in a simular situation and it's been 2 years that our relationship ended. It's the holidays that drive my depression through the roof. In no way do I miss him because he brought terror into my life in the end. However I do remember the good days and having an intact family unit.

I don't know if it will get easier over time but I sure hope it does. What I have been doing is keeping very busy. I barely stay a minute in the house especially this time of the year. For me that seems to work... just keeping busy to keep my mind off the reality of my sadness.

I feel for you I really do.

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It isn't easy being alone. And even though he's a dangerous man, you still had some good moments together in your marriage.

I suggest you get busy doing something during this break. Do some genealogy. Write a short story and put it online here for us to enjoy. Get out with some friends and have fun. Take a free university class online:

Khan Academy: Khan Academy

MIT courses: Free Online Course Materials | Audio/Video Courses | MIT OpenCourseWare

Utah State Univ: Utah State OpenCourseWare — Free Online Course Materials — USU OpenCourseWare

Many free online courses from schools: Technophilia: Get a free college education onlinePosted Image

The last thing you want to do is risk your son and you with doing anything with your ex.

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I can relate too.

Not my ex-husband but the man I was involved with before that put me through the same terrors. Despite everything I went through with him, for months after, I found myself missing him.. It didn't make sense to anyone, not even me. When the holidays rolled around, I only felt worse and more insecure. I totally understand what you mean by feeling safe with his protectiveness. He was like that too and I confused that over-protectiveness as he just loves me sooo much. But really, it was a control issue and when I was finally on my own, I had no idea what to do with myself! It was hard just going to the movies with family members or friends because I'd see other couples and those thoughts of missing him would rush back. Whatever you do, Judo. Keep your distance and don't ever initiate contact. Wrap yourself up in your child. I've been keeping busy and entertained with watching Hallmark Christmas movies :]

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After writing it out, I think that's probably exactly what I'm going through, but it still confuses me why I'd be feeling such grief when the grief alone brings up memories that also fill me with fear and dread. It's like polar opposites both trying to exist in me emotionally at the same time.

If I'm going to feel depressed, I should feel depressed about things that make sense- like simply being lonely because I don't have a relationship right now, or feeling inadequate because I can't seem to get an interview for a better paying job, or sad because I can't afford to do much of anything for Christmas for my family, or missing my college friends... there are any number of things I could be feeling depressed about- things I could all understand and shake myself out of because they make sense and I could give them all that bright "twist" to start thinking positive again.

The more I try to make sense of missing him though, the more it seems to hurt and I can't just shake it off like I do when other things start to get to me.

Grieving is a process. Sometimes it takes a long time to do the work and grieving is work. We don't go through all the steps in order and we often go back and repeat steps.

You have a right to grieve and it often doesn't make sense. There are so many circumstances that end in grief. The commonality is loss. You lost something precious and the loss happened in a very destructive way.

Be kind to yourself. Don't try to second guess or over analyze your feelings. Do not bury your feelings. Just feel it and remind yourself why there is a loss. Then get busy. There are many things you can do this time of year to help somewhere. Is there a family in your ward who needs help cleaning? The food banks always need an extra hand. Be creative in finding way to be of service. I forget how old your son is but taking him along to give service will teach him the meaning of Christmas while it helps heal your heart.

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I think it is healthy to remember (and miss) the good things your marrige had.

I also think you need to remember there was major issues in that marrige that you needed to be away from, so does your son.

I am not saying to hold a grudge, but know you did the right thing.

I don't know, but perhaps some of the feeling you are having shows you really have forgiven him. However that doesn't mean to go back to a bad situation.

I like the way the others put it, you are greiving over what you had (or thought you had, or could have had.)

I also think you care greatly for you son and wish he had a decent father that sees him every day and celebrates his milestones with you.

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Thank you everyone. A lot of times, just understanding what is bothering me so I can explain it is all I need- and of course some time to let the emotions run their course. Writing it out helped, and seeing everyone confirm that it is just part of the grieving process reaffirms that I've identified what's wrong. I'm still feeling a bit blue, but as long as I'm busy and not alone in my apartment it doesn't bother me so much. I've been helping my brother out with babysitting since I'm off work for the holidays, and today I got to help a sister in my ward who needed someone to watch her kids while she went to the hospital- so I'm feeling a lot better today than I was last night.

I do miss the man my husband was in the beginning and I really hope he can become that man again, but I also know it would be far too risky for me to ever try to be involved in his life again and there is too much damaged history between us. I think that is what is causing the saddness to set in- because it has been long enough for me to heal from the majority of the fear and pain, so I am now feeling the loss of the love I once felt for him, and the possibility of what could have been. I just have to do what I always do and turn it into positive thinking- focus on the good things I have now and the possibilities of the future.

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The Christmas holidays are traditionally the time for families to be together.

My ex was similar to your ex. Though all holidays were for him only, not for us. They were also for him to get and stay drunk throughout the duration of the holiday season.

I hated Christmas most of all. I couldn't be with my siblings, and I hated being with a 24/7 drunk.

After I left him, Christmas was such a melancholy time for me. I blamed commercialism of the birth of Christ, rather than I had no one to share it with.

I suggest that you volunteer you services and time. Is there a rest home that will allow you to visit and read to the residents? Or play parlor games with them? Is there a soup kitchen that needs another pair of hands? Any elderly singles at your ward you could visit, wash their dishes, vacuum their carpets, tidy their living room or clean & scrub their bathroom? Or just visit with? Read Christmas stories to? Hold their hands and listen to them? Invite them to your home for Christmas?

In our Branch we have a Thanksgiving dinner at church, nearly all of the singles plus a few families always attend. But we don't have that for Christmas. Those singles can't always make it to their children's or families. Husband and I can't - we will be home, alone, and not doing anything more special than having baked ham and scalloped potatoes for dinner. (Guess I should follow my own advise, and invite as many of the singles & couples that will accept over for dinner).

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I haven't been around a computer much the last few days, but just wanted to update everybody. I'm still not really feeling a hundred percent, but knowing now that I'm just going through another step of grieving has made it easier and it hasn't been consuming me. I've been able to keep myself busy and find things to do to help others- mostly babysitting for my brother and volunteering at the animal shelter. I'm sure I'll be feeling much better once the holiday is over and I can get back to work, as it will get me back on a schedule.

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