Ways to Meet Someone

[Guest Anonymity]

So I guess I'm just looking for advice/ideas on how to find people to date. Specifically, in my case girls, but I'm guessing/hoping that this will be good for guys to respond to as well. I really want more women to respond to get their points of view. That's always the most helpful. I've tried lots of ways and yet I still have the hardest time getting out there. I never seem to be what the woman wants for all the worst reasons but they are reasons none-the-less.

-Anon

[Guest]

So I guess I'm just looking for advice/ideas on how to find people to date. Specifically, in my case girls, but I'm guessing/hoping that this will be good for guys to respond to as well. I really want more women to respond to get their points of view. That's always the most helpful. I've tried lots of ways and yet I still have the hardest time getting out there. I never seem to be what the woman wants for all the worst reasons but they are reasons none-the-less.

-Anon

I didn't date. I made tons of friends. I married one of them.

When somebody tried to ask me out, I just tell them - I don't date. I make friends.

Okay, why did I have this "policy"... I see people trying to go date other people and are always on their best behavior with their best faces forward. It's too "fake" and a waste of time to have to peel off the layers to see what's underneath.

My friends don't have to put on a face. There's no pressure to "perform". We get into everyday situations being our everyday selves.

My husband was in my circle of friends and I in his for 2 years. He finally asked me out - just the 2 of us - one day and it was to go to his church (I was Catholic, he was LDS). He asked me to marry him not too long after that and we got married a week after he proposed. I already knew the guy in all his best and worst and vice versa. And yes, I had a major crush on him for 2 years.

[applepansy]

It helps to BE where the girls/women are.

[Bini]

Making and having friends can certainly create opportunities for friendship to blossom into something more BUT that's assuming there are females in your clique. If that isn't the case, it makes things a bit more difficult. So if your circle of friends are all male, perhaps consider joining a local activity group or co-ed softball/volleyball team, and get started on meeting a new pool of people. Best of luck :]

[zenbones]

Don't be ugly. j/k

[Guest]

What kind of "worse reasons"?

A couple of people I know have found "the one" on dating websites in the last year.

[JudoMinja]

The number one key to meeting someone is patience, because some people pair up fast and others take more time. You don't want to feel rushed or like you have to meet someone "faster" just because people around you are pairing off. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking your time, and patience will also be helpful when you are on dates as you won't be trying to rush the relationship.

The next step is to be places where you can meet women who share your interests. Don't join a sporting team if you aren't into sports, or join a book club if you don't like books, etc. Go to social events and activities that are things YOU like and enjoy, and you will meet women there who also like those things. Get active and involved, enjoy yourself and have a good time without meeting someone being your main goal. You will then eventually (with your patience) form a relationship with someone who will be a great match for you.

Edited December 30, 2011 by JudoMinja

[skippy740]

Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup

[Guest Anonymity]

Yeah, I understand the whole "fake" aura people have about them for the first few dates, hence the reason why I have hated dating. I guess I'm too honest and I'm just myself and since I don't come across as this stuck-up rich guy it doesn't go farther than there. So I get lumped into the "nice guy" group, which I am, but I can't feel bad for some women when they say they get treated poorly or get dumped because the guy was a jerk? What about me? Oh wait, I'm the nice guy . . . move along . . . And and far as being where girls are . . . yeah, I've thought about that. I'm big into service and it has been recommended to me to take a dancing class, not for the dancing more for the pairing off and dancing with the girls. Hopefully with ones that know as little as I do, haha. So I'm really considering that. Any other suggestions of places to be besides bars? (not that I would haha) But you know, zenbones has a point regardless of the j/k. Don't be ugly. That's something I do need to work on. I'm not ugly but I'm not gorgeous either. I need to workout but there are things that I can't change like my height or skin tone which girls don't like me for anyways, so those kinds of things are hard to accept. Try accepting the fact that some people won't like you for what God gave you (and I'm NOT looking for philosophical/spiritual/religious retorts to that comment). So I guess those could be some of the "worst reasons" that I was talking about. Not to mention "nice guy" syndrome, lack of money and a nice car, and the LACK of (which I see as a good thing but who knows) overall cockiness that most guys who get women easily, have. (That was poor grammar, haha). I've been on dating websites for years, had some luck and some really BAD luck, and then no luck. So I'm probably gonna leave that behind and let people mature and grow up a bit. Just because I'm not a model and I don't snowboard, travel the world, or consider myself sarcastic, doesn't mean I'm a bad guy. Patience, its true I need it, don't we all. But I can't help feel rushed when first it was my friends getting married, now its people posting kiddy photos and ultrasound photos on their FB. It drives me nuts. I guess I'm just tired of immaturity in people and their lack of honesty in what they are looking for. Here's a guy that wants commitment and that seems to be what girls say they want, but when they find a guy who's like that, I'm too good to be true. haha please! haha skippy740, can you expand on what you mean?

[JudoMinja]

Patience, its true I need it, don't we all. But I can't help feel rushed when first it was my friends getting married, now its people posting kiddy photos and ultrasound photos on their FB. It drives me nuts.

I definitely understand what you mean here, but this is exactly why I cautioned patience and think it is so important. I let my impatience get the better of me when I saw all my friends and siblings pairing off, getting married, and having kids. Instead of keeping my good judgement and exercising patience, I clung to the first guy who showed an interest in me and ignored many warning signs that the relationship was bound to be unhealthy.

Then, while I was going through my divorce, there was another guy who showed an interest in me- but he was the one suffering from impatience. I told him I wasn't going to have a relationship until after my divorce was finalized, but he kept pushing. If it weren't for his impatience, I possibly would have gone on a few dates with him once my legal matters were in order, but his inability to be patient and respect boundaries was a red flag of immaturity.

So patience is important on both ends- because without it you can either find yourself in an unhealthy relationship or you can drive a potentially good relationship away. It is definitely difficult to be patient when a relationship and a marriage is something you desire so strongly for yourself, but there are a few things that I think help in building patience.

1. Remember that all things come in God's time. Build your trust and faith in Him, strive to better your relationship with him and your understanding of spiritual and religious matters, and lose yourself in church service. Communicate with Him often in prayer so that you know you are doing what He wants you to do and where He wants you to be- because as long as you are doing your part to draw closer to Him, He will look after you and provide the blessings that will bring you the greatest growth and happiness.

2. Enjoy this time to work on yourself! The time that we spend as single adults is our time for self-discovery and learning. Be active. Be involved. Find things you want to learn and/or do and DO them. :) Build your interests and your character, and make the most of your time and talents. Don't worry about trying to be what you think women want. Be who YOU want to be. Not every woman will be interested in you, but that's okay because you aren't trying to form a relationship with every woman. You want to find someone who will be a good fit for YOU, and how can you find that if you don't develop and know who you are?

3. Stop making comparisons or fretting over things you can't control. Your friends lives are their lives, and your life is your life. It isn't going to be the same, and it shouldn't be. And as long as you are doing number 1 and 2, you are already doing everything in your power to find a relationship worthy of marriage. The rest is out of your hands. You need to be able to find serentiy- happiness with your current situation as you know you are doing everything you can in the areas you can control and trust that the things out of your control will come together in their own time.

Marriage and family is a goal for yourself, but it is not something you can set a timeline on. The goal will be realized eventually, as long as you work on your patience and can be happy with yourself as an unmarried person.

I guess I'm just tired of immaturity in people and their lack of honesty in what they are looking for.

Well, I think that many people are still uncertain about what they are actually looking for, so it can come off as dishonesty because they are still testing the waters and identifying what they like and/or dislike. Sometimes people make decisions based on what may appear to be really fickle or shallow reasons, but I believe that the majority of rejections happen because two people simply aren't compatible or they really just aren't ready for a relationship.

And remember that maturity is an ever moving scale. Some mature slowly, others quickly. And sometimes events or circumstances in our lives force a leap forward or severely stunt one's growth. You don't necessarily need to find someone with the same level of maturity as you, because your maturity will grow together as you face the challenges of marriage together. More important than their maturity, I think, is their outlook on life and the gospel. Are they the kind of person who will work and struggle and be shaped into a stronger individual because they cling to their testimony in hard times, or are they the kind of person who will cave and give up because hardships weaken their testimony?

Most important though is communicating with the Lord in prayer about your potential partners. When we date, we are striving to uncover all the layers and see the heart of the other individual- striving to make a judgement call as to whether their character will be a good match. That is a very hard thing to do, and everyone comes up with different strategies or "identification markers" for signs of a good or bad character. But the Lord already knows their hearts, and He knows us better than we know ourselves. If you can pray to Him, listen for and accept His answers, you will be led to a marriage that will be perfect for you.

[jlmcbride]

I have trouble meeting people as well. I used to do dating sites, but I just ended up in situations that I didn't want to be in. Now I am in the YSA ward and I am having trouble connecting with the others there.

[kayne]

i do agree with this threads idea.

but i think there are some problems. as a male especially since girls can just get hit on and it doesnt matter. the work is done for them they say yes or no. theres no obligation for girls to actively really pursue a relationship in many senses.

there is also in YSA those that are 25 and older and even those 27 and 28 and older. we start getting dangerously close to that magic number 30 of which there is a level of stigma attached to being 30 and single and being tossed into a family ward. as other threads have discussed the dangers of the mid singles life in the LDS world. so those in that age especially 27 or older can enter a certain desperate mode. of course then there are people like me who are 27 and whos blessings flat out say ill see many of my grandchildren mature. so presuming i have a kid and get married by 30. thats still just for one of those possible granded children to reach 20. i'd be 50 for one of my own kids to be 20 and have a kid at 20 which is rather pushing it. and one grand child alone to reach 20 i would be 70. im not the only person who is in this 27 or older group that ive heard mention sayimg im trying to date and failing and my blessing says ill see my grand kids get old well what gives here.

there is of course the entire fakeness of dating. mixed signals. casual dating. serious dating. and everything inbetween. i recently thought me and this girl liked each other but apparently not. but she liked me enough to go on two dates!. so yay progress. mixed random signals like that create epic confusion.

no its not that i lack patience. its not a lack of faith. its not an overwhelming rush desire. but i do know if i dont participate in this charade of dating ill be 40 a single lone man. its just i know i have to participate in it in order to eventually stumble across someone that i'd want to marry not will you go on one date with me? lets marry k? k kool wedding in 2 weeks. though here in utah i have learned this does happen so i have no clue whether said girl is one like this or not. there is of course part of this charade. each first date is usually little more than dinner or walking around or some stupidly common like putt putt golf or something. also its not cheap. as a guy i paid 20 bucks last night to get friend zoned. thanks its what i look forward too.

its like this game 1942 i play at someones house sometimes. we start off on level 32 or rather date 1. we can usually get past level 32 or date 1 easily enough but not always. then level 31 or date two will usually crush us so we rarely see level 30. but if we get to date 3 or level 30 we have rarely seen it so we most often fail having no experience in the matter and not really sure how one got to level 30 to begin with and in the odd circumstance we get to level 27. with no basis of how one got there. and level 1 is something we will only see once in a lifetime but if it works and you beat it isnt being married once the right and proper way good enough???

so see i can get to level 32. possibly level 31 beyond that i have no manual except for the other times i got that far and it failed so clearly its a broken manual. i know im not alone in thinking this.

now if we factor in the amount of guys that are stupidly shy like myself. we all get over powered by the outgoing members of our species. it can be very hard for the more quite folk to make connections with people. we tend to take longer and spend more time attempting to establish something. we also lack any semblance of proper social skills. we also cant stand large group gatherings. all these things make dating harder but yet it is who we are. i will never be an overly out going person. its just not who i am or who these quite folk i speak of are.

also in regards to women dont want to date someone who puts them on a pedastal. i call shannigans on this. some women want to be a queen others do not. as a male i cant tell which is which until i really dive in and find out. yet i am supposed to treat them with respect and every prophet from modern times has put all females on pedastal of as God's gift to human kind. so double standard? hyprocrisy? or something else i dont know. some want me to get the door for them others dont. who knows.

you say find a girl who shares interests that i do. great. ill let you know when i find a girl that loves history, anime, news, politics, philosphy, some of the deeper points of the scriptures, computers and how to build and program them, and video games. or just some of that.

so far i mostly find girls that love social gatherings and music and parties. yippee. why because when you are in your 20s to heck with anything else. it seems like every member of the female side of the species is such a complete clash and opposite of me.

in the year and a half ive been in utah the one friend ive made shares most of those interests i listed. so clearly it is quite rare or im just not stumbling onto these people because this one friend like me is stupidly shy.

bottom line is we are forced to participate in these charades lest we want to become the 40 year old virgin.

Oh wait, I'm the nice guy . . . move along

then there is this....seriously....whereever this idea came from and got firmly planted into the female psyche it needs to die. i want a nice guy. oh wait im a nice guy but sure ill listen to you whine about someone that treats you like garbage its only logical.

[darling]

its like this game 1942 i play at someones house sometimes. we start off on level 32 or rather date 1. we can usually get past level 32 or date 1 easily enough but not always. then level 31 or date two will usually crush us so we rarely see level 30. but if we get to date 3 or level 30 we have rarely seen it so we most often fail having no experience in the matter and not really sure how one got to level 30 to begin with and in the odd circumstance we get to level 27. with no basis of how one got there. and level 1 is something we will only see once in a lifetime but if it works and you beat it isnt being married once the right and proper way good enough???

so see i can get to level 32. possibly level 31 beyond that i have no manual except for the other times i got that far and it failed so clearly its a broken manual. i know im not alone in thinking this.

Ohhhh my goodness! There are a couple things I wanted to touch on from your post but this was the most prevalent. Dating is not a game! It is not that complex! THERE ARE NO LEVELS!!! It should be totally natural. You are way, way, way overthinking this! If you're trying to have a good time, then all you have to do is just think about it as hanging out with a friend, having a good time. That is all there is to it. I promise. The stigmas attached to "The Second Date" and "The Third Date" do not apply to us as members. Those stigmas are directly correlated to the bases (you know... first base or second base or a homerun) and as such, I repeat, do not apply to us.

It sounds like you're feeling pretty bitter about this whole dating process... so don't make it a "process"! Just go out and have fun and let everything take care of itself! :)

[mtman318]

Yeah, I understand the whole "fake" aura people have about them for the first few dates, hence the reason why I have hated dating. I guess I'm too honest and I'm just myself and since I don't come across as this stuck-up rich guy it doesn't go farther than there. So I get lumped into the "nice guy" group, which I am, but I can't feel bad for some women when they say they get treated poorly or get dumped because the guy was a jerk? What about me? Oh wait, I'm the nice guy . . . move along . . . And and far as being where girls are . . . yeah, I've thought about that. I'm big into service and it has been recommended to me to take a dancing class, not for the dancing more for the pairing off and dancing with the girls. Hopefully with ones that know as little as I do, haha. So I'm really considering that. Any other suggestions of places to be besides bars? (not that I would haha) But you know, zenbones has a point regardless of the j/k. Don't be ugly. That's something I do need to work on. I'm not ugly but I'm not gorgeous either. I need to workout but there are things that I can't change like my height or skin tone which girls don't like me for anyways, so those kinds of things are hard to accept. Try accepting the fact that some people won't like you for what God gave you (and I'm NOT looking for philosophical/spiritual/religious retorts to that comment). So I guess those could be some of the "worst reasons" that I was talking about. Not to mention "nice guy" syndrome, lack of money and a nice car, and the LACK of (which I see as a good thing but who knows) overall cockiness that most guys who get women easily, have. (That was poor grammar, haha). I've been on dating websites for years, had some luck and some really BAD luck, and then no luck. So I'm probably gonna leave that behind and let people mature and grow up a bit. Just because I'm not a model and I don't snowboard, travel the world, or consider myself sarcastic, doesn't mean I'm a bad guy. Patience, its true I need it, don't we all. But I can't help feel rushed when first it was my friends getting married, now its people posting kiddy photos and ultrasound photos on their FB. It drives me nuts. I guess I'm just tired of immaturity in people and their lack of honesty in what they are looking for. Here's a guy that wants commitment and that seems to be what girls say they want, but when they find a guy who's like that, I'm too good to be true. haha please! haha skippy740, can you expand on what you mean?

You sound a lot like me. Too bad we're both guys!

[Bini]

Darling, good advice!