Caught in a Triangle

[hyohko]

We've all heard about these kinds of stories - when two guys love one girl, or vice versa. Too often these situations mean hurt feelings on the parts of multiple people, as whoever ends up together will be at the expense of that third party.

I'm in one of those situations right now. I've fallen head-over-heels for someone, and I feel trapped because of the things I know, and the people involved.

The biggest single issue: she is dating my room-mate.* Added to that, he spent Christmas break at home, while she invited me to spend time with her over the holidays here where I live. We were good friends prior to the break, but when we were together over those few weeks, she trusted me enough to talk about her relationship problems with him (things have been rocky). Plus, I felt something that I rarely feel myself, like I could trust her completely with things on my mind.

For me, that is a rarity.

We have so many of the same life goals, share common beliefs, want the same kinds of things in a marriage partner. She's one of the most selfless people I've ever met. She has, single-handledly, helped me to become a more open and confident person, and has encouraged me to make several large changes in my own life. I feel compelled to help her in all she does, to be kinder, to look outside myself more.

(And she's quite attractive. Just sayin'.)

But what do I do? First, I haven't yet said what I'm feeling to her. Second, the room-mate and I are good friends, I like and trust him as well. If they break up (seems somewhat likely at the moment), I don't want to be the cause of it, as that would really mess everything up.

Any thoughts? Anyone been in a similar situation?

*I say dating - up until now he's been so busy that they don't formally date much.

Edited January 6, 2012 by hyohko

[Dravin]

But what do I do? The room-mate and I are good friends, I like and trust him as well.

How much do you trust him? Enough to tell him your situation?

[hyohko]

As to that, well, I'm not sure yet. I don't know how well he would take to the idea that I'm interested in her. Perhaps he may see it as a challenge, an attempt to steal her away.

He's aware that we've spent a significant portion of the last few weeks together, and yet he seems like he's trying to patch things up between the two of them.

Do you think coming clean with him may be a good idea, or is that going about it the wrong way?

[Vort]

Friends come and friends go, but a spouse is forever.

Not to be flippant about a serious situation, of course. If a woman is married, it's hands-off (and eyes-off, and words-off). Otherwise, it's open season. If they're engaged, I would be especially careful, but the bottom line is: Until they're married, they are unmarried.

In your position, my advice is to tell her honestly (but probably not completely) about your feelings and ask if there is any reciprocity. If so, go from there. If not, bow out gracefully. But don't tell your friend. It's not his business, and if your overtures amount to nothing, then nothing will have been gained by telling him. If things do get started between the girl and you, then hopefully your friend will take it well -- but if not, well, remember the first sentence.

[Guest]

Team Jacob all the way!

:)

What I mean by that is... be sure that you really want to pursue a serious relationship with this girl. Once you're sure, then fight for it like Jacob does in that Twilight hoopla. The same goes to your friend - if he wants the girl, he needs to fight for her.

But, the thing about this fighting for somebody is - it is completely not like politics - you don't want to ever engage in negative ad campaigns against the other guy. So, if you've already put your hat in the ring, do not allow her to use you as her "sounding board" or "confidante" against the other guy. And one more thing - it's not a good idea to hide this from the other guy since he's your friend. You don't want to go behind his back. You may come to an agreement that he goes first and if it doesn't work out then it's your turn or something like that - it's up to you how to handle it.

Make sense?

Edited January 6, 2012 by anatess

[hyohko]

I haven't yet officially "announced my candidacy", as it were. There may be some opportunity for that over the next few days, but I need to snag time alone - and that has been proving to be somewhat difficult since Sunday.

We'll see how this goes.

[FunkyTown]

I want you to think for a moment.

If you're interested in this girl - Really interested - engage in boyfriend destroying mode.

That means you don't ever talk bad about the guy. There's a whole host of boyfriend destroying tools you can use, but that's a basic one. If you talk bad about her boyfriend, she'll defend him and end up resenting you.

The second thing is: Go after her, but don't think she's 'The one'. You are dangerously close to the friend zone right now, and may be in it. The longer you spend in said zone, the harder it is to get out of it.

[FunkyTown]

Err: As a clarification to the previous post:

Here is what I suspect will happen.

You've spent the last few weeks validating this girl. She feels good around you, but is attracted to your roommate. You're there so she can blow off steam. My suspicion is that you will walk up, palms sweaty and eyes furtive, and you will say "I like you. A lot. I'd like to ask you out." and she will think of you like a sweet but helpless puppy and will want to 'stay friends', but she's just not interested in you 'in that way'.

This is based on your description of how things are going: You say you've never felt so comfortable with anyone in your life, and describe her like you have 'one-itis'. This is a surefire sabotage to any burgeoning relationship, that you've put her on a pedestal. We don't date people who think they're below us. We date our equals.

If you're interested, you can get her, but know that it will be an uphill battle.

[JudoMinja]

Combine Vort and Funky's answer and I think you have the best response-

While a lot of people believe that dating means they've staked a claim on someone or that being interested in someone that somebody else is dating is wrong- anything goes until a real commitment has been made. The whole point of dating is to find a potential spouse, and if you think she would make a good wife for you and that you would be a good husband to her- then go for it! Your roommate may be your friend, and he may feel like you are "stealing his girl" if you do end up hitting it off with her in his place, but you are forgetting one very important thing:

Ultimately, she is the one who will be making the decision between the two of you. No matter what happens, there isn't any "stealing" involved. Whatever happens, you are both interested in her and she will be choosing whomever she prefers based on whatever information she is given and whatever she has decided she is looking for. Her decision will be limited and uninformed if you aren't putting your best foot forward.

That means not worrying about hurt feelings on the part of your friend. Of course be nice to him, but don't step down just because he went on a date with her first. It is up to you whether or not you want to inform him of your interest in the girl, but that really isn't necessary right now because he's made no "claim" on her. She is still a free single woman. Handle him however you think best, but think of yourself and him as two competeing companies trying to win business from a customer. While you could point out all the flaws in your "rival company", most customers don't like this and will end up turning you down just because you chose to play dirty. The best way to present yourself is to point out all of your own good qualities and leave it up to her to decide which of you she prefers.

One very important quality is interest- meaning if she is ever going to consider you, she needs to know you are interested in her. Tell her how you feel before it is too late, but do it in a way that doesn't sound desperate or "puppy-like" as Funky put it, so that she doesn't keep you in friend mode.

[rameumptom]

Just let him know that you are also attracted to her, but will not get in the way of their relationship. Let him know that if they end up breaking up, you may be interested in dating her, but for your friendship, you will wait to see how it plays out and not try to jump into it competitively. In this way, you can share your feelings, but not seem like you are stabbing him in the back.

Also, you are free to let her know the same thing: that if their relationship ends, you may be interested in dating her. But say it in those terms, and not anything bigger, so you do not subject their relationship to any undue pressures.