Do bishops generally tell their Stake President?

[Anon16]

I am still working with my bishop. Still struggling. I told a friend who told her mom who told the bishop. I was very upset and not in control of myself. My bishop now has said that he wants to meet with me, and wants the stake president there.

I got the feeling when the stake president was at my ward last week aand had a conversation with me, that my bishop had been talking to him. Just college related stuff, but neither I nor my parents said anything to him.

I feel really betrayed at this point. I'm not sure what to do. I told my bishop that i didn't want to meet for a while and would,d not contact him further.

What should I do? Will I be disfellowshipped?

[John11111]

The bishop and stake president are there for you when you are ready to seek forgiveness for whatever it is you have done. They will be there to help guide you and lead you through the repentance process when you are ready. They will know if disfellowship, excommunication, probation or something else is necessary to get you back on the path to salvation.

The stake president and bishop have been wanting to meet with someone I know for a while now but he has not gone to see them yet nothing has happened to him. Keep in mind im sure that if he tried to do something he shouldnt while unworthy they would step forward and prevent it.

Edited January 9, 2012 by John11111

[rameumptom]

The stake president is the person in the chain that the bishop goes to for advice and input. If you hold the Melchizedek Priesthood and have sinned, then the stake president has to be involved, according to Church doctrine and policy. Once the stake president has visited with you, he can determine whether your sins merit a disciplinary council or just some guidance via the bishop.

Refusing to speak with them shows pride on your part. You need to be humble and trust that they are doing what is best for you spiritually. They will treat you with love and respect, but you need to give trust and respect back. Otherwise, your refusal to work out your salvation through the proper priesthood authority will be seen as rebellion on your part, and it could lead to harsher sanctions down the road. Now is the time to humble yourself.

[Vort]

I am still working with my bishop. Still struggling. I told a friend who told her mom who told the bishop. I was very upset and not in control of myself. My bishop now has said that he wants to meet with me, and wants the stake president there.

Just my opinion, but I seriously doubt the bishop is going to ask the stake president to be present while he talks with a young woman about masturbation. It simply is not that serious an issue that he would need the stake president there. I can think of only two reasons why he might:

• He has never done it before and he's afraid he might get it wrong, so he wants the stake president there to guide him. (doubtful)
• He does not want to be alone with a young unmarried woman talking about sexual things, in order to protect himself from charges of molestation or such. (less doubtful)

If that's the case (especially #2), try to take a compassionate view of the bishop. He has to protect himself, even if YOU don't mean to do him harm.

I feel really betrayed at this point. I'm not sure what to do. I told my bishop that i didn't want to meet for a while and would,d not contact him further.

I hope you can get past such feelings. The bishop can share such things with his stake president if he feels the need. If, as I suspect, the bishop wants or is required to have another adult there while talking with you about sexual topics, the stake president is the obvious -- and perhaps the only -- choice.

What should I do? Will I be disfellowshipped?

We cannot possibly answer this. But if your problem is masturbation, I have never heard of anyone being disfellowshipped for masturbation.

Try to approach this with an attitude of hope rather than dread. Your bishop is there to help you achieve your spiritual goals. He is your friend and ally, not your nemesis.

[JudoMinja]

2.He does not want to be alone with a young unmarried woman talking about sexual things, in order to protect himself from charges of molestation or such.

Based on information you've shared in past threads, I think this is exactly it. Your situation has probably become complicated due to concerns your father has raised about you meeting too much with the bishop. Instead of just ending the process, as your father has voiced he wants, the bishop is trying to help you continue your repentance process by providing a less seemingly inappropriate option- having the stake pres. present during your meeting.

When an individual working on their repentance cannot meet or has problems meeting with their bishop for whatever reason, the stake pres. is the one who handles it, so going to the stake pres. is understandable in your situation. The stake pres. is also there to advice and counsel your bishop, so your bishop may have asked him what he could do about your repentance and this may have been the suggested solution.

Your best course of action is to go ahead with the meeting and ask them these questions yourself. They should both be more than willing to address any and all concerns you may have.

[Juan_P]

I am still working with my bishop. Still struggling. I told a friend who told her mom who told the bishop. I was very upset and not in control of myself. My bishop now has said that he wants to meet with me, and wants the stake president there.

I got the feeling when the stake president was at my ward last week aand had a conversation with me, that my bishop had been talking to him. Just college related stuff, but neither I nor my parents said anything to him.

I feel really betrayed at this point. I'm not sure what to do. I told my bishop that i didn't want to meet for a while and would,d not contact him further.

What should I do? Will I be disfellowshipped?

Bishops and SP have a very close relationship, usually. Bishop's rely on and in many ways depend on the SP's guidance and advice. You can't really ask anyone else some things so, even counselors, so he will usually call the SP at any time to talk about issues or proceedures or just for someone to hear him out.

Having said that, if there is a serious sin, usually or rather the Bishop should ask you permission to share your story with a SP. Not doing so is bad practice and eventually leads to problems. But not all Bishops are experieced or good leaders, so some make mistakes as it seems your one has.

I suggest you tell the bishop that you only want to meet with him and no one else. He should respect that so there you can talk calmly and try to see what's going on here, what he knows and what he was told.

Disfellowshiped? not for asking him to not contact you. But you write that you were working with him so if there is a serious sin, like sexual transgressions , then that's another matter and those sins can definetely lead to disfellowshipment or other disciplinary actions.

You mentioned your parent. Honestly I think they are a better go to than a bishop, if its possible to talk to parents. Parents have a vested intrest in children and will always do what they see is best for you, not for them nor be cold about things. So my advice to you is to try your parents first for help and advice and leave the bishop for the serious stuff, like sexual sins.

[jayanna]

Rame got it, I think.

Disciplinary actions are done by a group, a committee. A meeting with the bishop and SP would be to talk with you about your repentence process. The SP probably just wants to get information straight from you.

Putting it off makes it worse. They really want to do what is best for you, it would be good for you to go through the necessary steps whatever they may be. Onward and upward.

[bjw]

This is something I am curious about as well. In my experience my Bishop and SP have discussed my situations without me being present. I was not aware that there was confidentiality, but I was once upset that my SP knew things that I only told my Bishop. Now, if the rule is that the two of them can talk together about problems, but between the two of them they must keep it confidential it wouldn't bother me as much. So, I myself am curious if this is standard LDS procedure.

[jayanna]

Yes, actually, the SP is probably the only person he CAN talk to about it, other than prayer. Nobody else has authority.

[Juan_P]

This is something I am curious about as well. In my experience my Bishop and SP have discussed my situations without me being present. I was not aware that there was confidentiality, but I was once upset that my SP knew things that I only told my Bishop. Now, if the rule is that the two of them can talk together about problems, but between the two of them they must keep it confidential it wouldn't bother me as much. So, I myself am curious if this is standard LDS procedure.

Standard proceedure is that the Bishop should ask the member for permission to consult with the SP but not all Bishops follow this. Wise leaders will ask for permission first but some aren't wise nor leadership material.

But confidentiality is always assumed and necessary since only the two men, bishops and SP are actually judges in church so they may discuss matters but need to keep confidentiality at all times. But again, some don't do that unfortunately.

Some will just pick up the phone and call the SP for both advice and for permission to hold a disciplinary council if one is needed.

[Blackmarch]

I am still working with my bishop. Still struggling. I told a friend who told her mom who told the bishop. I was very upset and not in control of myself. My bishop now has said that he wants to meet with me, and wants the stake president there.

I got the feeling when the stake president was at my ward last week aand had a conversation with me, that my bishop had been talking to him. Just college related stuff, but neither I nor my parents said anything to him.

I feel really betrayed at this point. I'm not sure what to do. I told my bishop that i didn't want to meet for a while and would,d not contact him further.

What should I do? Will I be disfellowshipped?

It depends on the situation and on the bishop. I'd imagine some bishops would be more inclined to go to the SP for additional help, and others less so, and some situations probably call for a SP.

I guess the big question is; are you willing to repent, and how far are you willing to repent... Sooner or later you are going to have to swallow your pride, and that is a very difficult thing to do. And generally i've found is what we imagine things and how people react to something is ususally worse than what really happens.

as for disfellowshipping generally things like that are avoided if at all possible and tend to be the last option.

I wish you good luck, and pray a lot, and pray for courage.

Edited January 24, 2012 by Blackmarch