My husband changed after marriage.


Recommended Posts

So I am a very touchy person, my number one love language is touch. I was introduced to my now husband because he was FAMOUS for being mr. touchy feely! He would hug complete strangers etc. While dating I was always SO grateful that we felt the same about physical touch. Always hugging, holding hands etc.

Ever since the WEEK after we got married, it's like I'm married to a completely different man. Every time I hug him, he just stands there and then literally pushes me away. I go to kiss him on the cheek and he pushed me away. He acts like I'm his grandma that's trying to kiss him or something, he even rolls his eyes and hangs his head.

I've tried to talk to him about it and explain to him that it makes me feel unloved, and he says well you aren't respecting me and my space. I try to talk about compromising, and nothing changes. I've had him read the 5 love languages book. If I would've known , that would have been a huge factor in whether I married him. I would not have dated him if he acted the way he does now when we were dating. I try to talk with him, and he just say's it's not that big of a deal, laughs and leaves. This is HUGE deal to me, I feel like I'm married to someone that doesn't even love me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I read that book too! mainly because I was having marital problems and my love language is words of affirmation and acts of kindness..I wasn't getting anyof them :( anyway pray and let the Lord guide you. His plans are for his children to live in harmony :)

I'm currently standing strong to my believes and it's been hard especially when my marriage has gone haywire but I know for sure that GOD's plans are for us to prosper...I still believe :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We have been married for only a year and a couple of days. So not very long at all. He doesn't have aspergers.

I heard him talking with a bunch of guys about how before marriage sex is forbidden so it makes everything so exciting, like making out, and all kinds of physical touch. Now that it isn't forbidden it isn't enticing at all. How do I fix his thinking about that?! I feel like I'm the man in the relationship when it comes to sex now, me wanting it all the time and him not so much. But that is an entire different topic, I'm just talking about the hugging, and non sexual touching that has completely dissapeared.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One thing I understand that guys like is to feel like the boss and the chase is 1/2 the fun, and even for girls if something is shoved on us all the time, we begin to reject it, right?

Maybe what would help is for you to back off a bit, or even a LOT? You don't want to get him in the habit of rejecting you. You can even tell him what you are doing, to let him have his space.

See if you can spend some time to improve your appeal. Paint your toe nails, take an exercise class, etc, and maybe even get a little lap dog, that you can pet and pamper for some of your need to caress. Find other ways to get your self worth raised, so you won't be hurt. I think if you keep giving him some of his other love language needs, that before several months have gone by he may start moving in to give you hugs again, but do not attempt to then swallow him whole immediately-- let him feel the space and if he stops moving toward you and retreats, do so too. :) God bless you both!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You got a big advantage because, 1.) You've identified the problem, 2.) You have a good idea of what is causing it.

The only thing left for you to do is to figure out a solution.

In a marriage, I/Me/Mine always gets you in trouble. Instead of thinking, I need this, I want this, I'm hurt, shift the focus to him. What does he need? What does he want? Is he hurting? And figure out what you can do to understand him better and make him feel better. Instead of him reading the love languages book for example, to make you feel better, you can read and apply it to make him feel better. Make sense?

You can't change him. You can only change You.

Edited by anatess
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh and he took the test, he had almost equal numbers in all of the 5 love languages. His top one was physical touch though.

So, if he's not talking his love language with you, who is he talking it with?

Of course I don't know one way or the other - but it would be a strong suspicion in my mind at this point. Much more likely than some mental issue. I would consider confronting him directly about it. You might want to ask him if he is interested in staying married.

How do I fix his thinking about that?!

This is one of the more common, and less helpful, ways that wives think about such things. You don't fix him. You can't fix him. You can't change him. Such things are not in your control - no matter how much you figure they ought to be, or should be. He must choose fix/change himself. You can't discuss or argue or explain or pressure or manipulate him into doing it. It can be quite a frightening realization for a young wife like you - but it's important to understand.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is one of the more common, and less helpful, ways that wives think about such things. You don't fix him. You can't fix him. You can't change him. Such things are not in your control - no matter how much you figure they ought to be, or should be. He must choose fix/change himself. You can't discuss or argue or explain or pressure or manipulate him into doing it. It can be quite a frightening realization for a young wife like you - but it's important to understand.

THAT. Perfectly stated.

LM, you win the internet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, if he's not talking his love language with you, who is he talking it with?

Of course I don't know one way or the other - but it would be a strong suspicion in my mind at this point. Much more likely than some mental issue. I would consider confronting him directly about it. You might want to ask him if he is interested in staying married.

I agree with this. Something has happened or something is happening. If he's checked out (where he isn't bothered by your concerns or how you feel) then there's a problem and a marriage cannot work if only one person is fighting for it. You need to ask him directly what's up — point blank. Whether he evades you or listens, you'll know your answer.

Anyway, I'm also a very physical person and so is my husband. I know that if my husband didn't want to touch me or be intimate, then something is very very wrong. Every relationship has hiccups and hopefully that's all you and your spouse are going through, a hiccup. The good news is, hiccups come and go. My husband has a job that can potentially be very stressful and there are days where I'll want to cuddle and crawl all over him but he's just too dead tired. I get that and I try not to let my feelings get hurt. But I know that he loves me and more often than not, we are very touchy-feely with each other. I couldn't be in a marriage that lacked that. I'd be more turned off though with an attitude that shrugs off how I feel etc. No matter how tired my husband is, he has NEVER tossed aside how I felt or ignored me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why is everyone scaring her into thinking her husband must be cheating on her? Probably what happened was that he went into the marriage naive and having these high expectations of what sex is. He probably thought too highly of the "idea" of it all. But now he's hitting reality and feeling a little let down about the "idea" of marriage. They say the first year is the hardest. So I feel like although your situation sucks, it's not a sure sign of a crumbling marriage. You two just need to go on some fun, exciting dates. Something that will get your adrenaline pumping maybe (theme park, rock climbing, etc.) and bring back that excitement that he's craving. For now, get yourself a little puppy or something to cuddle and then focus only on his needs. It seems to me that one of his needs aren't being met. And that's why he's not interested in being all cuddly. Maybe he's holding his feelings inside about something?? You probably don't know what is really bothering him, and it may have nothing to do with sex. Don't jump to the first conclusions.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

LM could very well be right- If touch is really his strongest love language and he's not interested in being touchy-feely with you, I would be concerned that he may be getting that fullfillment elsewhere. But, without other "clues" pointing that direction, I wouldn't jump the gun and say that is the case. I find myself agreeing more with moocow and Vort on this one, mostly because of this:

I heard him talking with a bunch of guys about how before marriage sex is forbidden so it makes everything so exciting, like making out, and all kinds of physical touch. Now that it isn't forbidden it isn't enticing at all.

That statement just screams disillusioned. He likes going after the "forbidden fruit", because it is fun and exciting. Now that there's a ring on his finger and you aren't forbidden anymore, it's just a mundane day-to-day thing for him, and he doesn't find it fun or exciting. That is a dangerous mindset to be in if he is not strongly committed to his marriage and the two of you cannot find ways to make your marriage "exciting" together.

If he's not willing to work on maintaining and rebuilding that intimacy with you, his mindset could very well lead him to more "forbidden" pursuits like looking at pornography or committing adultery, which makes LM's take seem very realistic. I would address the possibility with him as a concern- hopefully it will make him more aware that his unwillingness to communicate through touch with you or deem your feelings on the matter important is not a little thing. It can lead to big problems.

Again though- I wouldn't jump the gun and assume he's already getting into some kind of trouble without more information. Your marriage is still young, and he needs to come to terms with the reality of marriage over the fantasy he created in his head. The problem is you cannot change his mindset. You cannot change the way he sees things. You can only address any serious problems that are present by making him aware that you see the problems and then offering as great an outpouring of love as you can by serving him, meeting his needs, listening to him (both his words and bodylanguage), and finding ways to "spice" things up since he is clearly the kind of person in need of excitement.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I didn't sense that anyone was referring to cheating. Not sure where that came from. My statement was simply saying something has happened or something is happening. I think that's a fairly obvious analysis. But I agree that his issue or issues could stem from any of the above listed and not listed (ie. reality giving the honeymoon phase a swift kick in the butt, pornography use, same gender attraction, sexual dysfunction, mood disorder or depression, etc).

OP, sounds like you've already approached him with your feelings and his response was nonchalant. Try it again, sit him down and give it another go at a heart-to-heart. It's not a good sign when someone avoids or clams up. If you don't think you're making any progress this route, have you considered counseling? Keep praying for guidance and strength. Stay tuned in how your husband shows admiration and love towards you, it could possibly be coming in a form you haven't previously noticed. And keep loving on your husband, even if he's turning away hugs and kisses, just keep telling him that you love him. Best of luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all for your responses, it's really helpful for me to even just "talk" to people about it. Let me give you a little more background, he's a complete care free guy. He never gets offended by people, he loves everyone, he literally has zero cares in the world. So when someone cares about something, or is offended etc. he thinks that person is just being silly or immature. He doesn't understand when people have feelings I guess? So his personality is GREAT in that he is so care free, but in a situation like this where I have a problem, his care free personality has a downfall in that he doesn't seem to care enough to change.

I've brought up the whole gay/porn/other women thing and he seriously just laughs because he wouldn't even entertain the thought of having a conversation like that. Honestly I really do believe him. He doesn't have an issue with porn, and he's not gay. He still enjoys sex, but it's like once every two weeks. It's just a HUGE change from when we were dating, where we were always cuddling etc. It most likely is the whole "forbidden sex". A lot of his friends are going through the same thing in their marriages apparently (just the sex, not the physical touch because that's not their love language).

I'm really hoping I'm making sense, it's hard to describe a situation without any of you knowing either one of us.

About the whole me thinking of him, BECAUSE I he is so equal in all of the 5 love languages, I always try to do all of them. I'm the type of person where, if he is sad, or uncomfortable, sick, or anything but happy then I will do ANYTHING to fix that. I want him to be happy. I'm always telling him how much I love him, doing little acts of service, giving him gifts etc. but I feel like because he is so carefree it's not that big of a deal for him. I feel like I give so much and it's not returned? That makes me sound so incredibly selfish though, I am grateful for him having a job, and providing, and the times that he does express that physical love etc. I just feel like I married him because he made me feel loved, and now he pushes it away, almost without even knowing or caring?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all for your responses, it's really helpful for me to even just "talk" to people about it. Let me give you a little more background, he's a complete care free guy. He never gets offended by people, he loves everyone, he literally has zero cares in the world. So when someone cares about something, or is offended etc. he thinks that person is just being silly or immature. He doesn't understand when people have feelings I guess? So his personality is GREAT in that he is so care free, but in a situation like this where I have a problem, his care free personality has a downfall in that he doesn't seem to care enough to change.

I've brought up the whole gay/porn/other women thing and he seriously just laughs because he wouldn't even entertain the thought of having a conversation like that. Honestly I really do believe him. He doesn't have an issue with porn, and he's not gay. He still enjoys sex, but it's like once every two weeks. It's just a HUGE change from when we were dating, where we were always cuddling etc. It most likely is the whole "forbidden sex". A lot of his friends are going through the same thing in their marriages apparently (just the sex, not the physical touch because that's not their love language).

I'm really hoping I'm making sense, it's hard to describe a situation without any of you knowing either one of us.

About the whole me thinking of him, BECAUSE I he is so equal in all of the 5 love languages, I always try to do all of them. I'm the type of person where, if he is sad, or uncomfortable, sick, or anything but happy then I will do ANYTHING to fix that. I want him to be happy. I'm always telling him how much I love him, doing little acts of service, giving him gifts etc. but I feel like because he is so carefree it's not that big of a deal for him. I feel like I give so much and it's not returned? That makes me sound so incredibly selfish though, I am grateful for him having a job, and providing, and the times that he does express that physical love etc. I just feel like I married him because he made me feel loved, and now he pushes it away, almost without even knowing or caring?

Whoa, hey! You must be talking about my husband! He's the exact same way!

True story: I was bothered by something so I couldn't sleep and so I woke him up wanting to talk. He says, "call <my friends name here>. That's what she's for.". Yea, total emotional abandonment, man!

But, I'm secure in the knowledge that he loves me, so I got over it.

The thing is, we're not guaranteed that our spouses will never change forever. We kinda have to just dig deep into ourselves and find a way to adjust to it. My husband doesn't do "coded messages". If I want something, I tell him straight up. Like, if I'm needing some cuddling, I tell him, "I need cuddles". But yea, it gets frustrating when we get to the point that we feel our needs are not being met. Usually, in my case, I adjust my need. I can't control what my husband does. I can only control how I react to it.

By the way, my husband and I don't believe in knowing each other by answering questionnaire from a book. We get to know each other through experiences and observation. So, if my husband puts down in a questionnaire that he does all 5 languages, I'll call bull-hokey if it doesn't natch what my experiences are of him. If you ask him, he'll tell you he likes Filipino food. Bull-hokey. He only likes it at parties or if my mom cooks it. And remember, things change so we get to experience and observe on a daily basis.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like you are doing everything a good wife should! But you still have this problem on your hands, so that's why I'm going to give you this last advice. It's usually used for dating couples, but it might work for you actually. Try making yourself less "available" for him. Make him work for you again. Not like withholding sex or anything, not anything that destroys love, just little things. Back up a little and let him start to miss those cuddly times. You never know, pretty soon he might be wondering where his little cuddle bug went when she's out with her friends or busy with some kind of project that occupies her time. See what happens. It's low-risk as long as you keep it casual and not as a revenge tactic or something like that. If he's super care-free, he may not even notice so be comfortable with yourself if that ends up being the case.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Julielaraine

Sounds like you are doing everything a good wife should! But you still have this problem on your hands, so that's why I'm going to give you this last advice. It's usually used for dating couples, but it might work for you actually. Try making yourself less "available" for him. Make him work for you again. Not like withholding sex or anything, not anything that destroys love, just little things. Back up a little and let him start to miss those cuddly times. You never know, pretty soon he might be wondering where his little cuddle bug went when she's out with her friends or busy with some kind of project that occupies her time. See what happens. It's low-risk as long as you keep it casual and not as a revenge tactic or something like that. If he's super care-free, he may not even notice so be comfortable with yourself if that ends up being the case.

That is really good advice. I think husbands need to have the chase sometimes. Then perhaps, he will baby you a little! :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share